


Waves

by Jeni182



Series: Broken [2]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Andrew Minyard Has Feelings, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Established Relationship, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Healing, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, POV Andrew Minyard, POV Neil Josten, Post-Canon, Romance, Sassy Neil Josten, Soft Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, Suicide Attempt, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-28
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2019-10-18 11:12:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 94,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17579753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeni182/pseuds/Jeni182
Summary: Broken Part II - Neil and Andrew try to navigate life post Andrew's suicide attempt now that he's in Denver and Neil's in his last year at PSU.





	1. Waves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! So here's the beginning of Part II! I've called this fic Waves for reasons you'll see in the first chapter. I have no real idea how long this will be, but it'll be as long as it needs to be to get to the end of Neil's senior year. Hope you feel things while reading! I'll update tags and the rating as the story progresses. I'm sure it'll get at least a little smutty because I just can't help myself tbh.
> 
> Also, a note about Jack: I know he's usually the bad guy homophobic asshole in fics (which is super fun to read). He's still an asshole here, but Nora posted some extra content about him, mentioning that he was Neil's Vice Captain so I'm sticking to that here. :)
> 
> ALSO ALSO: anenemyanenome pointed me in the direction of the song Drown by Seafret (originally by Bring Me the Horizon) and friends. FRIENDS. This is the theme song for this whole Broken series. It's exactly the vibe I've been going for and exactly where I think Andrew's head is at. If you haven't heard it, listen [here!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EI12l6-l57w)

Neil pressed his fingers to his lips for the hundredth time.

He sat on the airplane with an empty seat next to him. He stared at that seat and rubbed his bottom lip with his thumb and tried to calm his pounding heart. It was equal parts devastation and elation and longing all tied together with a neat bow so that he couldn’t tell where one ended and the other began.

_‘I love you.’_

He played it back in his mind over and over. He closed his eyes and rested his head back against his seat and pictured Andrew’s face when he said those words. It was so clear. It was so honest. Neil almost didn’t even say it back. He stared at Andrew with wide eyes for a moment until Andrew grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him close.

_‘I don’t expect you to say it back. I just…I just wanted you to know. Once, at least.’_

_‘I love you, too. Of course I do.’_ Neil had breathed.

Their last kiss before he went through that security check point and away from Andrew had been bruising. Their hands were clasped and crushed between their chests and Neil was crying all over Andrew. But he couldn’t find it in himself to care too much.

So, now here he was. Alone on this plane with an empty seat next to him that would normally please him, but now seemed like a really ill-timed metaphor. His lips still tingled from their last kiss and his heart still pounded from Andrew’s words. But the distance was just another step. A step forward. The sooner this happened the sooner they’d be together for good.

One foot in front of the other, for both of them.

“Hey,” a woman from the seats next to him leaned across the isle to get Neil’s attention. He looked over and raised a questioning brow. She was older, with smooth skin the color of mahogany and greying locs piled on top of her head. High cheekbones and sharp features. She looked like a sculpture, Neil thought.

“I saw you with that boy in the hallway. Next to the security checkpoint.”

Neil stiffened and the beginnings of panic started in his chest. He couldn’t escape from this woman and if she felt the need to berate him for being with another man or for being affectionate in a public place, he was going to let her have it up and down this entire plane and he did not care if they kicked him off. They hadn’t even left Denver yet. He wouldn’t mind an extra day or two with Andrew.

“So?” he replied. _Please just try me right now, lady._

“He loves you. And he needs you. I’m an expert on these things, you can trust me,” she said as she inspected the rings on her fingers. She looked back up and locked eyes with Neil. “Don’t drown in the distance, boy. Let the love buoy you.”

“Um…” Neil had no idea what to say to that. “Thank you?” he tried. This lady was weird and Neil was unsettled. She didn’t know either of them.  Was this just something she did? Went around handing out relationship advice to complete strangers?

She nodded and leaned back into her seat. Neil put in his ear buds and rested his head against the window and the plane finally started to move for take-off. He closed his eyes and kept them that way for the entirety of the flight, finally opening them when the plane was landing, but continuing his vigil at the window. He was now officially in another state from Andrew.

He looked across the isle when everyone was standing to unboard the plane, but the woman who had spoken to him was already gone.

****

Andrew opened the door to his apartment and stepped inside. It seemed bigger now, somehow. It was just how he’d left it. A blanket thrown over the couch. His and Neil’s coffee cups still on the table. The framed picture of the two of them beside the bed. It all looked so normal and right, but everything was different now.

Andrew felt okay about Neil leaving. He wasn’t happy about it, of course. But he felt like he was in a good enough place to handle things okay on his own. He went to the bedroom and dug in his closet. He pulled out the bright orange PSU hoodie with ‘Josten’ and the number 10 on the back. He stole it from Neil’s bag when he wasn’t looking and hid it in his closet. He pulled it over his head and smoothed down the front. He pulled the hood up and tugged it around his face for a second. It still smelled like his partner. Like his soap and Andrew’s cigarettes and Neil.

He sat on the edge of the bed and picked up the picture of the two of them. It really was a good picture. Andrew had wanted it when Nicky took it, but he forgot about it in the rush of packing and moving and signing lease agreements. He was glad Nicky gave Neil a copy. He doubted anyone but Neil would notice, but Andrew was actually smiling in this picture. He couldn’t ever remember _wanting_ a picture, much less smiling in one.

But he was happy that day. Genuinely. With a diploma in his hand and Neil tucked into his side. It felt like the world was on his side for once.

Neil had only been gone a couple of hours, but he already felt the distance keenly. It was going to be hard not to let himself get weighed down by it. That was the thing about his depression.

It comes in waves.

Sometimes, the water is calm and steady and reflects the sun. It’s welcoming and it’s hopeful and it’s warm. But sometimes, the weather turns unexpectedly. Clouds roll in at an alarming speed and the wind is a bitter chill. Even if Andrew feels comfortable and whole, a wave will crash into him without him realizing it was cresting. It slams down on him, powerful and enormous, and Andrew is helpless to stop it. He’s too small to fight against it.

_But._

But when the waves crash unexpectedly like that and pull him from his comfortable spot in the sun, he can still kick to the surface. He can still wear a life preserver in the form of recognition and reaching out for help and leaning on Neil, just a bit. Because Neil loves him and Neil is strong.

He picked up his phone and texted Bee to confirm their skype appointment for that evening. Then he took a deep breath, walked into the kitchen and pulled out a pint of double chocolate fudge ice cream before settling on the couch to watch a recoded episode of the Cosmos.

Maybe a cat wouldn’t be so bad.

****

When Neil walked out the doors of the airport back in South Carolina, it was to see Wymack leaning against his car, smoking a cigarette. He felt a little better seeing his Coach there waiting for him. Wymack was a steadying presence in Neil’s life and he was the only one left who knew about everything. Who knew about Riko and his parents and Baltimore.

“Thanks for the ride,” he said, tossing his bag into the back seat.

“I needed my captain back ASAP. We started practice without you and Jack has already made the freshmen cry,” Wymack answered, tossing his cigarette butt to the concrete.

Neil rolled his eyes. Jack was the other starting striker on the team and an asshole but also Vice Captain. Neil wanted it to be Robyn, but Coach didn’t think she’d be forceful enough to get everyone in line. Neil couldn’t argue with that. Jack was abrasive, but he was good. The team listened to him and that’s really more than he could say for anyone else on the team. Jack tried Neil a few times his freshman year, especially when he found out about his relationship with Andrew. But Neil took care of it with a well placed punch to the face (and two more to the stomach for good measure) and Jack had been pretty docile towards Neil since then. It was the first time Neil could say he thought Andrew was genuinely proud of him.

“They’re Foxes. They’re used to being shit on, I’m sure. I’ll take over at practice tomorrow,” Neil sighed and laid his head back against the headrest. He felt bad for missing the beginning of summer practices, but he didn’t feel sorry. He would’ve stayed longer if he could have.

“I know you will. How’s Minyard settling in?” Wymack asked, glancing over at Neil.

“Well enough, I suppose. The apartment’s nice. He’s close to the stadium. I told him he should get a cat.”

“A cat?”

“A cat.”

Wymack let out a chuckle. “Cats are assholes, I suppose they’d get along well.” Wymack waited a few beats before asking, “You okay, kid? I mean I know shit’s all different now, with everyone gone. With Minyard gone.”

“Yeah, Coach. I’m okay.”

****

“Andrew, you look well,” Bee said from his laptop. He scheduled this appointment on the day Neil left on purpose. He didn’t know how he’d be feeling, but he had his first day of team meetings and get-to-know-you bullshit tomorrow, and he wanted to be as ready as he could be so he didn’t immediately want to murder everyone.

“Thanks, Bee. So do you. New glasses?”

“Yes! Thank you. Felt like it was time for a change,” Bee straightened her glasses and smiled sweetly.

“A lot of things are changing now, I guess,” Andrew replied and took a sip of his hot chocolate. Bee had given him a tin of it as a graduation/going away gift.

“They certainly are. How was your time with Neil these last couple of weeks?” she asked.

“Fine, I guess. He made me get a bright orange bed set and he made me buy the health food on my nutritionist’s approved foods list. But he’s still able to walk, so I like to think of it as a practice in self-control.”

Bee laughed at that. “I’m sure it was. I notice you’re wearing his sweatshirt though, so I’m sure it went well. How are you feeling after saying goodbye?”

Andrew looked down at his (because it _was_ his now) hoodie at the small ‘10’ on the left breast. He thought about them clinging together at the airport. He thought about that leap he took, a hundred times more terrifying than falling from the roof. He thought about how Neil caught him before he hit the ground and wrapped him in affirmation.

“I told him I love him,” Andrew said still looking down. Not able to meet Bee’s eyes. Because even though he’s said and confessed some really fucked up shit to her, for some reason her reaction to this was the one he was most nervous about.

She was quiet for a minute before clearing her throat.

“Andrew, that-,“ she stopped and tried again. Andrew looked up at the computer to see if he could gauge her reaction. She was looking off screen and blinking rapidly, her eyes shining. She moved her gaze back to Andrew.

“That is a really big, really important step. I’m so proud of you for allowing yourself to be emotionally vulnerable. How did Neil react?”

“He said he loved me, too. Then he cried and snotted all over me. So, okay I guess.” Andrew did not cry but he could admit only to himself that it was a near thing. He didn’t mind Neil crying all over him. It felt nice to be able to hold him up for once instead of the other way around.

“Well, it seems like you two are in a really good place. You have a strong foundation. It’s going to be hard to shake. Have you worked out how you’re going to keep in touch while you’re apart? I know we touched on it briefly before you left, but I think a relaxed schedule of some sort would help you both have something to look forward to and to reaffirm the connection.”

“Texting throughout the day, phone calls at night after we’re both done with practice and dinner. Skyping on days we can manage it. It’s going to be hard once the season starts for both of us,” Andrew said, trying not to dwell. They promised to do what they could and that’s all they could really expect or ask of one another.

“Good. Sounds like you’re both prepared. Now, when do you start with your new team?”

“Tomorrow.”

“Perfect! Let’s go over the techniques we discussed for you dealing with new people and large crowds.”

Andrew listened while Betsey went over all the techniques she taught him before he left. He nodded and added input when he was supposed to. He ended the call feeling better than he had. He felt like he was as ready as he was going to get. He was not here to make friends and he was not here to socialize. He was here to play exy and make money and to start preparing for a life he would have with Neil when they could swing it.

Right now, the water was calm and the waves were gentle. He slipped shoes on his feet and walked out onto his balcony to wait for a call from Neil. This was around the time they talked about. He craved a cigarette but resisted. It was a kind of mental warfare, to prove to himself he could actually do it.

He brought out a small tumbler of whisky instead and pulled out his phone when it started to vibrate in his pocket. He looked at the picture of Neil before answering. It was one he took when Neil wasn’t looking. They were on this same balcony together and Neil was looking out over the city in the fading light. The sun setting had turned his auburn hair into fire.

Andrew answered the phone and put it to his ear. Before he could even say hello, Neil spoke.

“Did you steal my hoodie? Because I know I packed it in my bag and now it’s not here.”

Andrew pulled the hood of said stolen hoodie over his head and took a sip of whisky.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!  
> Come say hi to me on [tumblr!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/jtmann182)


	2. Adjustment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andrew's first day with the new team

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO. Just in case anyone didn't see on the last chapter:
> 
> anenemyanenome pointed me in the direction of the song Drown by Seafret (originally by Bring Me the Horizon) and friends. FRIENDS. This is the theme song for this whole Broken series. It's exactly the vibe I've been going for and exactly where I think Andrew's head is at. If you haven't heard it, listen [here!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EI12l6-l57w)

“Have a seat, Minyard.”

Andrew was in a very simple office in the home exy stadium of the Denver team. Their mascot was Thunder, which Andrew thought was maybe the dumbest mascot he had ever heard of. Especially since their logo was a bolt of lightning.

The marijuana laws here were really starting affect the community at large, Andrew thought.

He sat in front of the plain wooden desk and his PR rep sat across from him. Her name was Christina and she dressed like a hippie. She had on a flowing skirt and bracelets tinkled at her wrists and around her ankles. She had light brown skin like Nicky’s and big curly brown hair. She was kind of a bitch.

Andrew liked her.

“Okay, welcome to your first day with the Denver Thunder. Today will be general meet and greet with the team and then a promotional photoshoot. We’ll save the interviews for when we have the pretty pictures to flash on news stations. You’re the only new recruit this year so congratulations. Official practice will start tomorrow which management and the coaches will go over with you later today, but I get you first because I said so.”

Andrew rolled his eyes. “Why do I need to do interviews before the season even starts? Shouldn’t those be for after games?”

“No. Stop talking. Your agent and I already have three campaigns lined up for you that we’ll need to schedule shoots for. Nike is our official sponsor and provides our uniforms and gear, so Nike is the first one. Should be easy. Just you running around and working out in Nike gear. The next one is Gatorade and then at some point it’ll be Grunnings Racquets. That one can wait. They provide our racquets, obviously, but they’re small potatoes compared to the other two,” she said all of this very quickly while shuffling papers, not looking up at Andrew.

“Whatever. Just tell me where I need to be and when. And I’m not fucking smiling and posing like a jack ass in any of these pictures,” Andrew said, slumping in his seat and crossing his arms. He knew he probably looked like a pouty child, but he didn’t care. The thought of having a bunch of people around him, touching his clothes and his face and taking his picture was already making his skin crawl.

“Wouldn’t dream of it. Your image is ‘bad boy exy prodigy’ anyway. The more you scowl, the better it looks. So keep pouting, _precioso_. Now, is there anything you need to disclose to me that would be a PR problem? We know about your past arrests and the trial with your brother and the details surrounding that. Anything else? Drug use? Sex scandals?”

Andrew just stared at her blankly, willing her to change the subject. He knew this was coming but he didn’t want to have to do this already.

“Listen,” she started, and she dropped the harshness in her voice just a bit. “I’ve seen it all. Literally. Nothing you can say will shock me. But it’s my job to get ahead of these things. Nothing you tell me leaves this room unless it becomes a problem with the team later. But if I know now I can pre-emptively make a plan. This is part of the reason we’re not also in a room with management and your agent. The fewer people that know things, the better.”

Andrew sighed and steeled himself. He didn’t think he’d ever had to say this so bluntly to anyone before and he felt exposed. He always kept things close to his chest. But he wanted to protect Neil, too. Because if they were somehow spotted together and it were to cause a scandal, Neil’s career could be in jeopardy and that would make a certain asshole crime family very unhappy.

So, he sat up straight and let this little part of himself go. To protect Neil.

“I’m gay.”

Christina didn’t even blink. “Okay, great. Literally one of the tamer issues I have to deal with. Is that all? I need transparency here.”

Andrew took a deep breath and threaded his fingers together so she wouldn’t be able to see how his hands were shaking.

“My partner is Neil Josten from the PSU Foxes. Some of the team there and the coach know. Our old teammates know, but they wouldn’t talk to the press. I don’t care about people knowing I’m gay, but I don’t want this to jeopardize Neil’s career and I don’t want this to become a talking point at interviews. I want to keep it quiet as long as I possibly can, but if something were to happen I would want to make it as painless and private as possible for everyone involved.”

“That’s my job. Professional players generally prefer to stay quiet about their sexuality as to not rattle sponsors and to keep the press off their backs, so that’s what we’re going to do. But that means you need to be careful. Don’t go together to heavily populated places and if you do, keep it platonic. Don’t make my job harder than it already is.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Andrew drawled.

“Oh, you’re just going to be a gem aren’t you? Also, nice work. Josten is a hottie.”

“No shit. Are we done here?” Andrew asked, standing up. He very much needed to be alone for a minute and he very much needed a cigarette.

“For now. Before you go just listen for a minute. I can tell that’s hard for you,” she leaned back in her chair and gave Andrew and assessing look.

“Come to me first if anything happens. I mean it. I don’t expect to be your friend and frankly, I don’t want to be your friend. But if I’m going to help you and make your career work for you and for this team, I have to know what’s going on. I will never judge you or shit on you for choices you make. My job is to stay impartial and work the system. That’s all.”

“Fine. Get me a schedule of the photoshoots I have to do.”

Andrew walked out of the room and slammed the door behind him. He turned into the first empty room he could find, slumped against the wall and popped the rubber band he wore around his wrist as hard as he could without breaking it.

****

“April, move your ass!” Neil yelled from his position on the side of the court. He was watching a scrimmage he and Jack set up to see where the freshman were at and how they would mesh with the team.

It was not going well.

April was a striker sub, and Neil hand picked her from the group of candidates Wymack had selected. She graduated from an alternative girl’s school after being kicked out of public school for starting a fire in the bathroom. History of drug use, rehab, more drug use and one more time in rehab, which seemed to have taken. She started exy as a way to work out aggression, and the result was that she was brutal on the court. Her small size made her quick and agile enough to work around back liners. Small was relative, though. She was still taller than Neil.

“I’m moving it cap! Tell your back liners to do their jobs!” she yelled. This year was going to be a nightmare. Mike and Bryan were the returning backliners, and while they worked cohesively together after playing for a few years, the freshman sub Kai was not so cohesive. He was afraid of getting hit and he wasn’t pushing back as hard as he should. He reminded Neil a little of Nicky.

They needed to win championships this year. Neil needed to get onto a good team, and the Denver Thunder was one of the best, especially with Andrew in goal this year. He knew he could end up anywhere, but he couldn’t quite squish the hope of making it to Andrew’s team. Or at least somewhere near Denver.

“We’re going to be destroyed this year,” Jack said under his breath from his place next to Neil. “These freshmen have no idea what they’re in for.”

“Neither did you,” Neil reminded him. “Neither did I for that matter. I had no idea how different playing on a NCAA team would be from playing on a high school team. They need time. And don’t be such a dick to them. You sound like Kevin and no one fucking likes Kevin on the court.”

“I don’t need them to like me,” Jack pointed out.

“No, but you need them to respect you. And they won’t if you’re yelling without providing some sort of constructive criticism at the same time,” Neil shot back. Jack was still an asshole, but he didn’t want to see this team do poorly when he was gone next year. He’d worked too hard here for that. “Go start them on drills. I want the freshmen to have perfected the death drills before the first game.”

Death drills were Raven drills. But no one wanted to talk about the Ravens unless they were playing them, so Neil’s sophomore year Dan started calling them death drills.

Jack rolled his eyes. “Whatever you say, Captain.”

Neil made his way to Wymack who was watching from the other side of the court, to observe from a different angle.

“They’re no worse than you lot were your first year here,” Wymack said before Neil could speak.

“Kai needs to be more aggressive and April needs to be less aggressive. She’s going to get red carded as soon as an asshole back liner calls her sweetheart. Robyn is fine in goal and I think she’ll be able to get Trysten in good enough shape to sub for her come game time.” He chewed his bottom lip. He was still worried.

Wymack looked at Neil with eyebrows raised for a moment. “Well then, what do you need me for?”

“I need you to keep Jack in line and to give pretty speeches when we’re about to lose. The team wouldn’t be the same without your famous pep talks, Coach.”

Wymack laughed and touched his face where a round band-aid was stuck, just below his eye. He looked back at the team starting their drills and sighed. “I have a good feeling about this year. We’re still Foxes, don’t get me wrong. But as long as no one ends up dead or in rehab or prison, I’m going to count it as a win.”

“Way to keep the motivation, Coach. Kayleigh Day Spirit Award winner this year for sure. What’s with the band-aid by the way? Did Abby finally wise up and pop you one?”

Wymack touched his fingers to it again, his smile fading just a bit.

“Mind your business, Josten. Now get out there and Captain your team before I promote your asshole VC early.”

Neil gave him a salute and ran onto the court to work his team.

****

The team photoshoot they had Andrew do was excruciatingly invasive. They had a suit waiting for him, which they had gotten his measurements for before he even got to Denver. Once he got it on he could appreciate to value of a well-tailored suit, but it wasn’t enough for him to dress himself. Oh, no. There were then three people there to smooth and adjust and tweak. Then there was a woman putting makeup on him and then there was someone fussing with his hair and demanding to know why he wasn’t sent for a haircut before he came in here. He stayed silent through it all because he knew if he opened his mouth, he’d say something to get himself kicked off the team. It took every coping mechanism Bee had ever taught him to keep his mouth closed and his fists down.

He did a shoot with the entire team first. He’d met them at an informal luncheon they’d had after a team meeting with management and coaches. They ranged from indifference to Nicky level friendly and he knew exactly which one he preferred. He had a mutual understanding with the indifferent players.

_I don’t like you either. Let’s never talk._

 The friendliest and most obnoxious player was a backliner named Chase Maxwell. He shook Andrew’s hand enthusiastically and told him he was a big fan of the college circuit, so he’d seen Andrew play.

“Stick with me, I’ll show the ropes! We’re really excited to have you on our team this year. Our last goalie sub was shit so we were glad to see him go. Well, most of us anyway. Johnson wasn’t, but he’s an asshole so ignore him,” Maxwell grinned. His smile was wide and his hair was the same color brown as his eyes and his was 6 feet tall. He was the worst.

Andrew extricated his hand from Maxwell’s grip, resisted the urge to wipe it on his pants and walked away as quickly as he possibly could. And now he was in this group photoshoot with the whole team where they were trying to figure out where to place him where he wouldn’t be dwarfed or blocked completely by the player next to him. He was used to being short, that wasn’t the problem. It was being talked about like an object. Like an object that wasn’t in the room.

The solo shoot was a little better, only because he didn’t have to stand around so many people. They wanted a few headshots of him in the suit, and a few full body shots of him in his gear. He lost his number three, but by some cosmic joke he was assigned the number 10. Neil was unbearably delighted about it.

Andrew left the stadium as soon as he could. Practice would start tomorrow and he would be glad to have an excuse to do something physical and not have to mingle as much. He drove straight to his apartment, and by the time he got there his hands were shaking again. As soon as he walked in the door, he grabbed a pack of cigarettes he had stashed away and headed to the balcony. The first drag was like a hand caressing his nerves. He breathed it in as deep as he could and closed his eyes. He had no idea how he was going to quit completely.

His phone buzzed in his pocket and when he pulled it out, he saw it was a text from Christina.

_‘Your first Nike shoot is this weekend for the fall campaign. I’ll email you the details.’_

Fan-fucking-tastic.

He checked the time. It was 5pm Denver time which meant it was 7pm Palmetto time. He should probably wait another hour to call Neil. They were probably done on court but he still needed to shower and eat and some other stuff Andrew was probably already forgetting.

He pressed the speed dial for Neil’s number before he could stop himself.

 _‘Hey number 10,’_ Neil answered, a smile in his voice.  

Andrew immediately loosed a breath. The sound of Neil’s voice was like an anchor. He took another drag of his cigarette.

_‘Are you smoking? Naughty. What would your incredibly scary team nutritionist have to say about that?’_

“Keep talking.”

Neil went quiet for a moment, and Andrew knew he could hear the desperate way his voice sounded. How it was just a little rough around the edges. He could hear Neil moving around. He could hear a door shut. He could hear Neil’s feet pounding their way up to the roof.

_‘The new freshmen are shit. There’s this kid Kai, he reminds me so much of Nicky. He wants to be everyone’s best friend but everyone just wants him to shut up and block the fucking strikers from the goal. Jack is still an asshole, but I think he’ll come around before the end of the year. By come around I mean he’ll still be an asshole but the team will be able to tolerate him. By the way, that hickey you gave me on my chest is stubborn as shit and Abby is going to choke when I have to go in for my physical if it’s still there. I’ll send her your regards.’_

Andrew grinned at that. He made that hickey stubborn on purpose. It was a deep purple when Neil left and he was quite proud of it. Some of his best work.

“She’s seen worse, I’m sure,” Andrew replied.

_‘I suppose that’s true. At least it’s a mark on my body I wanted.’_

Neil and Andrew both went quiet for a few minutes, just listening to each other breath. Andrew could see him in his mind’s eye. Sitting on the roof with his knees pulled up to his chest and the phone propped against his ear. He was giving Andrew the time he needed to get his thoughts in order.

“I told my PR rep. That I’m gay. And about us,” Andrew finally said. He and Neil had discussed it beforehand and they both knew it was a necessary evil. But he hated feeling like the choice was taken away from them.

 _‘Okay.’_ Neil said slowly _. What’d your rep say? Is it going to be an issue? Because I’m going to be honest here, I really don’t give a fuck if it is.’_

Andrew almost laughed. “No. She just said she needs to know so she can get ahead of it if it gets out. Said for us not to go anywhere with a crowd and if we do, not to fuck on the floor in front of everyone.”

_‘What? That’s bullshit. Where are we supposed to fuck on the floor in front of a crowd now? Life will never be the same. The price of fame is steep.’_

“Indeed,” Andrew replied. He took a deep breath before continuing. “Today was not a good day. I don’t know how I’m going to do this.”

 _‘You’re going to do it by being Andrew fucking Minyard and getting shit done. It’s just what you do. Practice starts tomorrow, right?’_ Andrew grunted in the affirmative. _‘Once you get in the goal, it’ll come together. You’ll get to know who you like and who you hate on the team and it’ll get easier. Just give it time, Andrew. You’ll see. And we have the beach in a few weeks, so you can watch Kevin get drunk and maybe puke. Won’t that be nice?’_

 _“_ It’ll be horrible. How dare you suggest otherwise?”

Andrew couldn’t wait.

Neil laughed, and it was like music _. ‘I miss you.’_ he said quietly. Andrew almost said, _‘Of course you do’_ or _‘Are you going to cry about it?’_

Instead he rubbed his forehead with the hand holding the cigarette and took a deep breath.

“I miss you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!  
> Come say hi to me on [tumblr!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/jtmann182)


	3. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All the foxes at the beach house

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning for semi-explicit smut and a mention of self-harm

 

Neil shot up in bed, sweaty and panting. He looked around his dorm, trying to place where he was at. He was not in the trunk of a car. He did not have arms wrapped around him and red painted lips at his ear breathing hotly against him. It was not the sound of tires flying over pavement he was hearing. It was Bryan’s soft snoring and Kai shifting in his sleep. It was a car door being slammed outside of the dorm.

He took a deep breath and tried to slow his pounding heart. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and rested his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands, trying to center himself.

Neil missed Andrew all the time. Every second of the day he missed him. He missed the smell of his cigarettes and the taste of whisky in his mouth and even the way he would stand in goal and do absolutely nothing but lean on his racquet. Like he didn’t give a shit. But his eyes would track Neil across the court and he knew. He knew Andrew gave a shit.

But Neil especially missed Andrew right now. Because if Andrew had been there, it would’ve been a warm hand on his neck and sleepy eyes and tousled hair. It would have been a whispered _‘Go to sleep idiot.’_ It would’ve been decaf coffee and maybe a drive if he couldn’t get back to sleep. It would’ve been home.

Neil padded over to the coffee machine and started some decaf. He slipped on his shoes and a soft hoodie even though it was summer in South Carolina and the nights were warm. Once it was done, he poured the coffee into a travel mug and grabbed the keys to his Prius. He made his way down the stairs and to the car and pulled out his phone. He stared at it for a long time. He shouldn’t call Andrew, he knew. He had an early practice tomorrow and it was one of the few left before they were due in Myrtle Beach for a few days.

He really shouldn’t call and wake him.

He texted him instead. Half hoping he would see it and call and half hoping he wouldn’t see it until morning.

_‘I miss the Maserati. But don’t tell it. It’s already so full of itself.’_

He hit send on the very terrible joke and started the car. He really did miss the Maserati. The quiet buzz of his Prius just wasn’t the same as the smooth purr of Andrew’s car.

He’d barely gotten off campus when Andrew called.

“You should be sleeping,” he said. Because Andrew should be, and Neil did not want him to know how relieved he was that he called.

“So should you. Is it just me, or do your jokes get worse with age?” Andrew replied. His voice was sleep rough and Neil closed his eyes for the briefest moment. Imagining Andrew laying in bed, warm skin and cold feet. Because his feet were always cold.

“I should. Just can’t. And my jokes are fucking gold.”

“Talk.”

Neil sighed. “You really don’t have to listen to this. I’m fine. It was just a bad dream. Go to bed. You have early practice in a few hours,” Neil suddenly felt very stupid and a little guilty.

Andrew grumbled, and Neil could hear him shifting around in the bed. “I’m already up, Neil. Don’t be an idiot. Talk.”

“It was Lola,” he said after a moment. “We were in the trunk and she…she was wrapped all around me.” He shivered a little at the memory. He could still feel her arms holding on to him. Still feel her leg slung over his.

“What else?” Andrew asked.

“We were in the car. She was burning me. She was asking about my mother.”

_‘Try again, Junior. Answer me and make me believe you. Where is Mary?_

_‘She’s dead, she’s dead, **she’s dead**.’_

Neil almost had to pull over. His chest was tight, and he was gripping the wheel as tightly as he could. He was suddenly very glad for the blue tooth in his car so he could use both his hands.

“Neil. _Neil._ Take a deep breath. In through your nose, out through your mouth, okay? Stop breathing so quickly with your mouth. You’re going to pass out, and then I’ll _really_ be late for practice tomorrow.”

Neil nodded even though Andrew couldn’t see him. He put his own hand on the back of his neck and wanted to cry at how it wasn’t the same. He tried to slow his breath. In through his nose, out through his mouth. He was in his car. He was in Palmetto. His partner was on the phone with him. His partner was in Denver and he was safe and he would see him again in just a few days.

“Neil?”

“I’m here,” he said, as strong as he could manage. “Thank you. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately.” This was the first time he called Andrew, but this was not the first time he’d suffered a nightmare in the last few weeks. It was becoming exhausting.

“Shit happens. You can’t control your dreams. If you could you’d be playing exy every night, I’m sure,” Andrew said with disdain. It didn’t run below the surface and Neil knew he was being distracted. He didn’t mind. He played along with it, hoping it would slow the adrenaline pumping through him.

“Exy? Why would I bother with exy when there are so many other nice things to dream about?” he said, a grin trying to escape from his tight jaw and clenched teeth.

“Oh? Do tell.”

“Well, there was my last night in Denver. Do you remember, Andrew? Do you remember what you did to me in that bed? Because I’m pretty sure that bed will never be the same. I could dream about that. Or I could dream about the time we were in the house in Columbia and the kitchen table you bent me-“

“Okay, stop. _Stop_. As amusing as this is, if you keep going I’m going to have to jerk off and then I really won’t be able to sleep.  Save it for the beach house.” Andrew sounded just a little desperate and very exhausted.

Neil laughed, and Andrew sighed. “I always save it for you, Andrew.”

“Shut up. You okay?”

“I’m fine. Just driving around. It’s not as fun by myself.” It really wasn’t. Even being completely silent most of the time on their drives, Andrew’s presence was a soothing balm on Neil’s scarred soul.

“Of course it isn’t. You’re boring as fuck,” Andrew said, and Neil thought he could hear him settling back into the bed.

“Aw, thanks honey. You’re so sweet.” Andrew huffed into the phone. “Go back to sleep, Andrew.  I’m sorry I woke you.”

“I’ll stay on the phone until you’re home.”

Neil wanted to say _‘that’s not my home’_ because home was wherever Andrew was and Andrew was not here. But instead he said “I’m turning around now. I’ll be there in a few. Call me tomorrow night, okay?”

“Okay. You’re still going to get up at the ass crack of dawn to go running, aren’t you?”

“Yes. Bye, Andrew.” Neil hung up the phone and kept driving. He would go back to the dorm in a little bit. Right now, he just needed room to breathe.

****

Neil had been at the beach house an entire day, and he couldn’t keep still. He was pacing and bouncing on his heels. He had been on two runs already, one by himself and one with Kevin.

“Neil, you’re making me dizzy. Slow down,” Dan said from her spot on the couch. Neil was pacing restlessly in the kitchen. Open and closing the fridge like the contents would change if he just kept looking. “Andrew gets in in two hours. Just go. You’ll feel better waiting at the airport than waiting around here.”

Neil hesitated, head in the fridge. He knew she was right, but his pride was hanging by a thread here. Yes, he was desperate to see Andrew after a month of nothing but phone calls and skype. Yes, he couldn’t wait to get Andrew in that giant king-sized bed alone. But they didn’t need to know that.

“Dude. _GO_. Get out of here and don’t come back until you have your man with you,” Matt said from his spot next to Dan. She had her legs draped over his lap and he was massaging her calves slowly. Everyone else was scattered. Allison and Renee were shopping with Nicky, Aaron was pouting in his room because Katelyn couldn’t come, and Kevin was working out on the deck because he was insane.

“Fine. But only because you guys are insisting. I mean, Jesus. If you want me gone so bad just say so,” Neil yelled on his way out the door, keys in hand.

He made it to the airport with an hour and a half to spare. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against his seat. His heart was pounding and Andrew wasn’t even here yet. The last month had been Neil’s hardest since his freshman year when the world was burning around him. At least Andrew had been there then. To prop him up and to tell him to stay.

Neil stayed like that until his phone buzzed with a text message. It was from Andrew.

_‘Just landed.’_

Neil’s heart lurched and he jumped out of the car. He practically ran into the airport, almost getting hit by a taxi on his way. He stopped outside the arrivals gate and searched. Of course Andrew wasn’t there yet. He probably hadn’t even gotten off the plane. Neil sat in one of the seats and waited with a knee bouncing impatiently.

A stream of people started through the gate for arrivals, and _finally_. Finally, Neil saw him. He was wearing jeans and a white shirt and a light hoodie with the sleeves pushed up to his elbows, black armbands visible beneath. Neil thought he might cry in an airport again. The tension he’d been carrying around all these weeks lessened, and he felt like he could finally breathe. They locked eyes, and Neil was home.

****

Andrew was the first person off the plane. Not because of Neil though. Absolutely not. It was because he hated flying and he took a direct non-stop flight from Denver to Myrtle Beach and there was turbulence and he may have told the very large man next to him to shut the fuck up when he tried striking up a conversation. That was it.

He hurried through the airport to the arrivals gate and slowed his pace once it came into view. Because he was absolutely not rushing because he knew Neil was waiting there on the other side. Even though it had been weeks since he’d been able to see him in person. Since he’d been able to touch him. Since he’d had more than lonely nights by himself in the shower, thoughts of auburn curls and an icy blue stare seared into his brain.

 _‘Breathe’_ , he told himself. _‘Calm the fuck down, Minyard.’_

He walked through arrivals and turned the corner. He saw his partner immediately. Their eyes locked and Andrew could see Neil’s shoulders visibly relax. He swallowed hard and made his way over. They stood face to face for a minute before Neil brushed his fingers over Andrew’s wrist. Andrew shivered and Neil grinned.

“Hey,” Neil said, with just a little _something_ in his voice. It was one word and it was so simple, but it set Andrew’s entire body on edge. “Luggage?”

“I checked my bag,” Andrew replied, nodding his head toward the sign for the luggage pick up.

“You checked your bag for a three night stay? Who are you? Allison Reynolds?” Andrew just shrugged.

“Let’s go then,” Neil sighed the sigh of the long suffering, but that grin never left his lips.

Once they had his bag, Andrew followed Neil out of the airport and to his gray Prius. Neil offered him the keys, but Andrew declined.

“You’re insane if you think I’m driving this thing,” he said with scorn. A Prius? Yeah fucking right.

Neil rolled his eyes and huffed a laugh before getting in the driver’s seat. Andrew opened his door and threw his bag into the back before sliding in himself. Once doors were shut they both sat staring out of the windshield, neither making a move. Either towards each other or towards the road. It was awkward because the tension was palpable. It was thick and heady and neither of them were doing anything about it.

Finally, Neil shifted in his seat to face Andrew. “Our room at the beach house is really nice. It’s got a huge bed and the shower has two showers heads, which seems like a fun time.”

Andrew stared at Neil and reached out a hand, unable to bear it any longer. He ran it through Neil’s hair before cupping the side of his face and running a thumb lightly under his eye. Neil’s breath caught and he leaned forward. Andrew was already moving and they met halfway with a crash of lips and rush of hands. Hands in hair and hands on faces and hands moving underneath shirts, desperate to feel warm skin. Andrew only pulled away when he became conscious of the fact that Neil was trying to climb over the seat to get into his lap.

They froze, breathing hard for a beat before Neil started laughing.

“That…you have no idea how much I’ve missed that,” Neil said between panting for breath, sitting back in his seat.

“I think I have an idea.” It’d been just as long for him, after all. “Now keep your shit together long enough for us to get there. I’ve been trapped on a plane and I need a shower,” Andrew said, because he’d be damned if he would admit that he’d been just as out of control, if only for a moment.

Neil laughed again. “Okay, okay. We’re going. I missed you, too.”

Andrew looked at Neil’s profile as he started to drive and held his hand out palm up in between them. Neil looked at it and threaded their fingers together for the drive back to the house.

****

Once they arrived, Neil waited with thinly veiled patience while everyone greeted Andrew. He had never been more grateful that his partner was a man of few words and tolerated very little. He nodded to everyone and allowed Nicky to pat him on the shoulder before Neil grabbed him by the wrist and dragged him to the bedroom they were staying in upstairs. He ignored the hooting and cat calls following them.

Once in the room, Andrew threw his bag on the bed and looked around. The room was huge. There was the king-sized bed and a giant flat screen TV. No balcony, unfortunately. But the bathroom was impressive, with the double headed shower Neil mentioned and a jacuzzi tub. Neil stood in the middle of the room, watching Andrew and shifting his weight from foot to foot. It was taking every ounce of self-control he had not to pounce.

Andrew stuck his head around the door frame of the bathroom and found Neil in the same spot.

“Shower with me?” he asked.

“Yes,” breathed Neil.

Neil followed Andrew back into the bathroom and shed his clothes while Andrew started the water. He tested it for warmth and then shed his own clothes, all without looking at Neil. Neil suddenly felt nervous. He’d built this moment up in his head for so many weeks, and now that it was here he couldn’t help feeling exposed.

Andrew stepped in the shower, and Neil followed behind. Andrew turned around to face him, and Neil went in for a kiss immediately. Slowly. Slow enough that Andrew could pull away if he wanted. Neil was asking silent permission, and Andrew granted it. Where the kiss in the car was all heat and desperation, this one was slow. It was tender in a way Neil knew neither of them really thought they could be, until they found it in each other. It was an _I missed you_ and a _welcome home_ rolled up together and Neil thought that he’d been right when he wanted to tell Andrew that the dorm wasn’t his home. Because his home was right here in Andrew’s mouth, in Andrew’s hands, in the spot tucked in the left side of Andrew’s chest.

Neil placed a hand on Andrew’s jaw and tilted his head so he could deepen the kiss. He groaned into his mouth before he could stop himself, and it was somehow a signal. It somehow snapped any self-control they were holding on to, and before Neil knew what was happening, Andrew had pushed him back against the cold tile of the shower. Neil shivered and Andrew ground their hips together, grabbing one of Neil’s legs and wrapping it around his waist. Neil reached in between them to shift them both, already hard and ready, until they were rubbing against each other. The slippery friction was almost immediately too much. Both shower heads were spraying warmth on them from each side of the shower and Andrew’s teeth were on Neil’s neck and Andrew’s hands held both their cocks in place while he rocked his hips against Neil’s and Neil thought for just a second that he might die. His heart was going to stop and he was going to die right here in this shower with Andrew pressed against him.

Neil did not die. But he thought it was a very near thing. Andrew kissed him hard and squeezed his thigh where he was holding it against his hip and Neil found himself very suddenly unraveling from the inside out. He came with Andrew’s name on his lips and his hands in his hair, and Andrew followed him home with one hand clutching them both together and the other holding Neil’s leg tight against him.

Neil dropped his head to Andrew’s shoulder and tried to calm his racing heart. Tried to catch his breath. Andrew dropped Neil’s leg and rinsed his other hand off in the spray before wrapping his arms around Neil’s shoulders.

“Fuck, I missed you,” Neil said into Andrew’s neck. Andrew didn’t respond. His just tightened his grip slightly and dropped a kiss on the side of Neil’s head.

****

“I’m making dinner!” Nicky announced with all the flair of someone announcing a pregnancy.

The whole group groaned. “Can you even cook?” Allison asked, from her perch on the kitchen counter.

“Um, wow. Yes, thank you very much. I’m an excellent cook, as Erik would be able to attest to if he were here and not stuck at his stupid job. I can’t cook for him while I’m away so I’m cooking for all of you. Go fuck yourselves and enjoy!”

Nicky busied himself in the kitchen, making spaghetti and meat sauce since it was the easiest thing to make for so many people and also, Neil suspected, the only thing Nicky knew how to cook. Nicky set Neil to work chopping peppers and onions for the sauce, and Allison and Renee set the table. Matt and Kevin were playing some video game Matt had brought and Aaron and Andrew were conspicuously absent.

Once the meal was done and they were ready to eat, Neil set off in search of his partner. He found the twins outside on the deck, looking identical from the back. They were sitting in deck chairs next to each other, each one with a beer in hand. All Neil could see was the tops of their blonde heads, but he still knew which one was his partner. He couldn’t really explain how. Something about the way Andrew tilted his head. He called them in to eat and they followed him inside.

The meal was really good, Neil and the rest of the crew admitted. The dinner felt like old times. Like this was just another one of their vacations while they were all still on the team and they’d be getting a call from Wymack any minute making sure they’d have their asses back in time for practice on Monday.

After dinner was over and cleared, Nicky came back into the dining room with a handle of Vodka and enough shot glasses to go around.

“Never have I ever!” he yelled to the group at large. There were some cheers and some moans. Neil had seen them play this game before but had managed to avoid being dragged into it. This time though…this time he felt like joining. He wanted to be a part of this for as long as they were all together. Plus, he was still in a great mood from his shower with Andrew.

Nicky poured the shots and put a shot glass in front of each of them except Renee. Neil glanced at Andrew who took his shot glass and caught his eye.

“I’ll drink but I’m not talking,” he said. And honestly that was more than any of them expected out of him, so everyone sat at attention until Nicky started.

“Hmmmmm,” he mused, finger on his chin. “Never have I ever…had sex with a girl.”

Aaron, Kevin, Allison, Renee, Matt and Dan all drank.”

Nicky gasped, _“Danielle!”_

Dan just smirked and shrugged. “What can I say? High school was a wild time.” Matt buried his grin in her neck and kissed it.

“Okay, okay Dan’s lesbianism aside, my turn!” yelled Allison. The girls were obviously not surprised. “Never have I ever paid for my own drink.”

“What?!” sputtered Kevin, astonished. “Like, _ever_? How does that even work?”

“Listen, sweetheart. I know it’s probably hard for you to understand, but I have something called _it_ and _it_ can’t be taught.”

Renee laughed and slung an arm around Allison’s shoulder. “It’s true. Everywhere we go. She gets free drinks for both of us.”

“You don’t even drink!” Matt said, nodding at the bottle of water Renee was taking shots from instead. Renee just shrugged. Everyone but Neil drank.

“Neil? You’ve never paid for your own drink?” Nicky asked, confused.

“My sugar daddy takes care of all of my alcoholic needs,” Neil smiled, tilting his chin toward Andrew. He never drank unless he was with Andrew. Andrew shot him a glare with no heat behind it and Aaron muttered _Jesus Christ_ into his shot glass.

 “Okay, fine fuckers. My turn,” Aaron called, and everyone quieted down. “Never have I ever had sex with a guy.”

Every single person at the table took a shot, except Aaron.

Nicky screamed. He _screamed_ and Neil thought he was going to stroke out right at the table.

“KEVIN. Kevin, _why_? You were on MY LIST. What do you MEAN you’ve had sex with guys?!” Nicky’s face was red and he was gripping the edge of the table.

Kevin shrugged. “Everyone’s a little gay in the nest,” he said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Yeah?” Allison cooed from a few seats down. “You sure they’re just gay in the Nest, Kevin?” Kevin flushed all the way down his neck. Neil looked to Andrew to see if he was at all surprised by this revelation. If he was, he didn’t show it. He wore the same bored expression he always did. Neil was only surprised because he had a hard time picturing Kevin caring very much for anyone beyond Exy. Even when he was with Thea.

“Oh my god, it was Jean wasn’t it?! Please don’t tell me it was Riko. Gross. But Jean is hot. And French. You were on my _list_ ,” Nicky moaned.

“What list?” Kevin asked tentatively, like he was afraid of the answer.

“The _list_. _THE_ list! The list of celebrities I was allowed to sleep with if I ever got the chance! I had a whole Erik approved list and you were on it and we could have had some sweet, sweet nights together in that dorm room, stud,” Nicky winked at him.

“Not with the rest of us in there, you couldn’t! Calm the fuck down, Nicky” Aaron shouted over the laughs.

“So, what?” Kevin asked, raising a brow. “I’m not on your list anymore?” Neil couldn’t tell if he was disappointed or relieved.

“You’re not a celebrity to me anymore. You know me. You’d fall in love with me, Kevin. You wouldn’t be able to help yourself. It’d be a mess,” Nicky said, shaking his head sadly.

“Um, is NO ONE going to ask about Matt fucking guys?! Hello?! Why is anyone even surprised about Kevin? It’s like an incestuous brothel in the Nest,” Allison said, pointing a finger Matt’s way. Kevin nodded his head solemnly.

Neil looked to Matt to see him sheepishly hunching his shoulders. He couldn’t put his finger on why, but he wasn’t surprised about Matt. He knew he was loyal to Dan in a way that was untouchable, but he didn’t seem like the type to shy away from a good time because of what was in between someone’s legs.

“Matthew does not surprise me,” Nicky waved a hand as he spoke, as if brushing it off. “I’ve seen him checkout a male teammate or two. No!” Nicky yelled when everyone demanded answers. “I’m not telling! I’m like a dragon. I hoard secrets like jewels and only let them out when life gets boring!”

Matt looked relieved and Dan laughed at him before smacking a kiss on his cheek.

“What can I say? High school was a wild time,” Matt said, mimicking Dan’s answer from earlier.

Aaron looked like he was regretting every choice he’d ever made that had brought him to this moment in his life.

“Please allow me to change the subject!” Kevin yelled over the commotion. He went quiet for a moment before asking, “Does it have to be sexual?”

A chorus of YES from around the table made Kevin flinch. “Allison’s wasn’t sexual!”

“Doesn’t matter, sweetie. Since you’ve now revealed you’re an Exy bicon I’m going to need more tea please,” Nicky grinned.

 “Okay, Jesus fine.” He thought about his answer longer than Neil thought was necessary. “Never have I ever given oral sex to a girl.”

Renee covered her mouth and gasped. Dan shook her head sadly. Allison looked outraged. “ _Never?_ Not even Thea? Kevin Day, you selfish son of a bitch.”

Kevin held up his hands in defense. “She never asked me to!”

“She never – okay I literally cannot even right now with this oblivious fucker. Do the rest of woman kind a favor and stick with guys,” Allison snarled, then picked up her shot glass and drank along with Aaron, Renee, Matt and Dan. “ _Danielle, Danielle_ ,” Nicky muttered to himself. She shot him a wink down the table.

The rest of the game went pretty much the same. Someone claiming something outrageous to a chorus of yelling and laughing. Neil managed to be skipped over completely in everyone’s drunken need to one up each other, and he could admit he was glad. He stopped when he had a warm buzz and left the rest of them to it. Their noise  followed him to the bedroom and he couldn’t help smiling to himself. He hadn’t felt this light in weeks.

Andrew left the table when Neil did and was outside smoking a cigarette. Neil didn’t have the energy to scold him for it, so he made his way to the bathroom to get ready for bed. He dug through his travel kit and realized he forgot toothpaste, so grabbed Andrew’s bag to steal his. He pulled the small travel kit out and began rummaging through it when something sharp cut his finger.

“Ow, fuck,” he whispered to himself, sucking on the bleeding finger. He reached into the bag more cautiously and wrapped his hand around something long and metal. He pulled it out and stopped breathing. His heart crashed into his stomach and his mind was blanking. Because this couldn’t possibly be what it looked like.

Because it looked like the same xacto knife Neil had caught Andrew on the roof with all those months ago, cutting his arms to shreds.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!  
> Come say hi to me on [tumblr!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/jtmann182)


	4. Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part II of the beach house

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song that's playing in this chapter is called 'I Found' by Amber Run. Listen to it before you read this chapter! It's such an amazing fucking song and it's Andreil 100%, especially for what they're going through in this fic. Shout out to my girl windeavesdrops (check out her fic!) for turning me on to it! You can find it [here!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yj6V_a1-EUA)

“Neil?”

Andrew had come in the room from smoking outside and stopped dead at the scene in front of him. He felt the blood drain from his face.

_Fuck._

Neil didn’t look at him. He was sitting on the bed with Andrew’s knife, turning it over and over in his hand so the light from the lamp was glinting off the blade.

“ _Neil_ ,” Andrew tried again. He was getting desperate for a response. Any response.

“It makes sense now, at least,” Neil said so quietly, Andrew almost didn’t hear him.

“What makes sense?”

“The reason you checked your bag. You wouldn’t have been able to take this as a carry on, would you? You would’ve had to check it.”

Leave it to Neil to know the particulars of that rule. Andrew stayed quiet. He didn’t know what to say. Didn’t know how to explain. Part of him wanted to snatch it away and hide it somewhere Neil couldn’t get to it. He’d thrown Andrew’s last one away, and while he was glad at the time, he missed the comforting weight of the knife and the bite of cold metal in his hand.

“You promised me,” Neil whispered. Andrew stepped closer to the bed and squatted down so he could look up into Neil’s face. He wrapped his hands around Neil’s calves. “You promised me you’d figure this out. After everything, all the hard work you’ve done. All those extra sessions with Betsy. All that talking. The fucking rubber band, Andrew. The rubber band was supposed to _help_.”

Neil was angry. Seething. That simmering boil he sometimes got under his skin where he went very quiet and still. That was bad. Andrew preferred crying Neil to this Neil.

“It did – _does_ help,” Andrew said, as calm as he could manage. Neil was the only one who could ever get a rise out of him, and he tried desperately to push it down now, calling his emotionless shield to the surface. “I haven’t used it.”

“Take off your arm bands,” Neil demanded.

“What?”

“Take them off, now. I want to see. Show me your arms if you haven’t been using it.”

“Neil,” Andrew sighed and rolled his eyes to the ceiling. “You were just with me in the shower. No clothes. If I were hiding something like that do you really think I would’ve taken my clothes off? Don’t be an id-“

“No. _No_ , Andrew. Not now. Don’t with the idiot bullshit right now. I’m not a fucking idiot and I don’t care if you hate me or what percentage I’m at. Just _don’t_.  Just tell me the truth and don’t fucking lie to me like you’ve been lying to me this whole fucking time.”

“I have not been lying to you. I have _never_ lied to you.” Andrew ripped off his armbands and bared his scarred forearms to Neil. “Here. Happy? Would you like to take pictures of my scars for posterity?”

This was bringing up too much and Andrew was getting angry now. His emotionless shield was crumbling, and he could see it. He could see himself slicing his arms and creating these scars. He could see exactly what each and every one of the them had cost him. Had cost his mind and cost his soul. Neil had no idea. He had _no idea_ what it was like to fight the urge every fucking day like he’d had to do the last few weeks. Andrew took a deep breath and tried to calm down. He was very close to yelling and he did not like to yell.

Neil looked from Andrew’s arms up to his eyes. He seemed to deflate in on himself. He dropped the knife on the floor and folded in half at the waist, burying his face in his hands.

“I’m sorry,” came his muffled voice. “I’m so sorry.” Andrew pushed his shoulders so he sat back up. Tears were in his eyes and Andrew almost took back his thought about crying Neil.

“I shouldn’t have demanded to see your arms like that. That wasn’t fair of me. You should never have to show anyone you don’t want to. I just…I just really need you to help me understand here, Andrew. I feel lied to. I feel like you broke a promise to me and that…that just really fucking hurts.” Neil placed a hand on his chest over where his heart would be, and Andrew placed a hand on top of it.

“I haven’t used it. I swear to you, I haven’t. I picked it up a few weeks ago in Denver after a really bad practice. This isn’t like NCAA Exy. This is the pros and it’s fucking hard, Neil. I have to _care_ about it now and it’s fucking exhausting. It just makes me feel better to know I have it on those days.”

“Just in case?” Neil asks bitingly, searching Andrew’s face. He wasn’t explaining this right. He sat on the bed next to Neil and tried again.

“Your fake passports. The ones the FBI didn’t take. You still have them?”

“Yes,” Neil said slowly, not making the connection.

“Why? Do you plan on running again? Are you going to skip town and end up in another country and change your name? Leave everything?” _Leave me?_

“Of course not,” Neil answered immediately.

“Then why do you still hang on to them?” Andrew could see the moment it clicked for Neil. He could see his brain putting the pieces together. Andrew stayed quiet and let him think.

“I don’t really know why. I guess…I guess it’s a comfort thing. Just knowing they’re there if some terrible shit goes down.”

“Just in case?” Andrew asked again.

“Just in case.”

“So, do you get it? Because I don’t know how else to explain it,” Andrew was getting a headache right behind his ear. He was ready for this conversation to be over.

“It’s not the same though,” Neil started, without any heat. “My passports don’t damage me. I’m not causing myself harm by having them. You’re hurting yourself, Andrew and that’s not okay.”

“I’m not hurting myself,” Andrew said through gritted teeth. “Take the damn thing. I don’t care. But I’m done with this conversation. I didn’t lie to you. I fucked up by bringing it here. I’m going to sleep.”

Andrew stood up from the bed and Neil grabbed his wrist. “You’re not hurting yourself?”

“I’m not hurting myself,” Andrew repeated. He’d say it as many times as he needed to for it to penetrate that thick skull.

“Okay,” Neil said. He bent down and picked up the knife from the floor. “I’m sleeping on the couch.”

He grabbed a pillow and left the room, and Andrew punched the wall until the hurt on the outside matched the hurt on the inside.

****

Neil was up at 6AM. Partly because he wanted to go on a run, and partly because he didn’t want anyone to realize he hadn’t slept in the bed with Andrew. He wasn’t mad anymore. But he didn’t know what he was now. He’d tossed the xacto knife, but it didn’t make him feel any better. He felt like a weight had settled on top of him and he didn’t know what to do with it.

He still felt lied to. Even if Andrew hadn’t been cutting again, he made the effort to actually go somewhere and buy one of those fucking knives. He had to go out of his way to make that happen. Why hadn’t he confided in Neil? Was he confiding in Betsy? Did she know he had another xacto knife? He was admittedly distracted in the shower, but he probably would’ve noticed if there were cuts anywhere else, wouldn’t he?

The cutting was like a drug. Neil had seen first hand how relaxed Andrew was after. He closed his eyes and pictured Andrew as he’d found him on the roof. A shadow in the moonlight, blood wrapping its way down his arms and a bloody cigarette dangling from his fingertips. Neil had thought he was beautiful, then. And he was. He didn’t try to shy away from Neil or deny what he was doing. He was honest. Because he was right, he’d never lied to Neil. Why would he start now?

Neil sighed heavily and scrubbed his eyes with the heel of his hands. He didn’t know what to do.

Before he could make up his mind, Kevin came out of his room already dressed for running. He spotted Neil and lifted his chin in greeting.

“How are you up so early? You’re not hung over?” Neil asked.

“I quit right after you did. I don’t really drink much anymore. Doesn’t really help with training,” he responded quietly since the others were still sleeping.

“It didn’t help with training while you were at PSU either and that didn’t seem to stop you.”

“Yeah, well. I was dealing with shit at PSU. I’ve just been able to talk to…some other professionals about it and realized the amount I was drinking wasn’t healthy.”

Neil would bet $100 the ‘other professional’ was Jeremy Knox. But he didn’t bother asking. “Give me a second to change and I’ll join you.”

“Hurry up. I want to go before it gets too hot.”

Neil waved in understanding as he made his way back up to his and Andrew’s room. Andrew was in the middle of the bed in a cocoon of blankets. He blinked blearily at Neil when he came in.

“Just getting running clothes,” he whispered. “Go back to sleep.”

“I’d have to go to sleep to go _back_ to sleep,” Andrew said, voice tired. He rolled over to his other side so his back was to Neil. Neil wanted to tell him he didn’t feel sorry for him. But he just grabbed his clothes and left the room to change downstairs. Kevin raised an eyebrow at him coming out of the downstairs bathroom but didn’t say anything.

They stepped outside and started stretching. “How’s coach?” Kevin asked.

Neil stood up straight and looked at Kevin. “Coach? Don’t you talk regularly?” He was under the impression that Kevin and his father spoke over the phone at least a couple of times a week.

“We do. But I want to know how it’s going with the team. Is he doing okay handling everything?”

Neil was confused by this line of questioning. Coach Wymack was, well, _Coach_. He’d put up with Andrew for 5 years and all of Neil’s drama his freshman year. The man was practically indestructible.

“He’s fine? Why are you asking? He’s the same as always. Grumpy and harassed and a damn good coach.”

Kevin looked at Neil for a moment before saying, “Try to take it easy on him, will you? I just think he works too hard. It’s a lot of stress.”

Neil snorted. That was an understatement if he ever heard one. “I’ll do my best. No promises.”

They went quiet when they started their run, and Neil was able to clear his mind while his feet ate up the pavement. He could concentrate on his breaths and his posture and the road ahead. They turned back sooner than Neil would have liked, but he knew the others would be up soon.

Once back at the house, Neil made his way upstairs to shower. Andrew was there sitting in the middle of the bed reading something. And he was wearing a pair of thick black frame glasses. Neil stopped dead and stared. Andrew lifted his head up.

“What?” he asked, brow furrowed.

Neil was suddenly very irrationally annoyed.

“Since when do you wear glasses?! How did I not know this was a thing? Jesus, you don’t tell me _anything_ anymore do you? You think you can move a million miles away and just live your fucking life without involving me? Well guess what, fucker? You CAN’T. You-“

Andrew jumped up and snatched Neil’s wrist and pulled him onto the bed. He climbed on top of Neil and straddled his hips and held his wrists lightly at his sides, so he could escape if he wanted to. Neil was supposed to be mad at Andrew, he was sure. He just couldn’t quite pinpoint the reason at the moment because glasses. _Fuck_.

“They’re just for reading. When I had to do all the physical shit for the team they checked my eyes and I mentioned sometimes my eyes go blurry when I’m reading. These help. That’s all.” Andrew let go of one of Neil’s wrists to reach up and pull them off, but Neil caught his hand.

“Don’t,” he said, biting his bottom lip. “I like them.”

“Oh?” Andrew said, a smirk playing at the corner of his mouth. “Who knew Neil Josten has a thing for nerds.”

“Not nerds. Just you. In nerdy glasses.”

The smirk died from the corner of Andrew’s mouth and he leaned down slowly. Neil thought he was going to kiss him, but he put his face in the crook of Neil’s sweaty neck instead.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. And Neil snapped right out of the aroused haze he had found himself in. Andrew did not apologize. Ever.

Neil wrapped his arms around his shoulders and sighed. “It’s okay. I understand where you’re coming from with the comfort thing. Just…I think it’s a bad idea to have it around when you’re still trying to recover and work through some things. It’s like a drug addict holding on to heroine _‘just in case’_.” Neil rubbed soft circles into Andrew’s back.

“I know,” Andrew replied. “I’m still dealing with it. It’s hard to fight it on really bad days. But I’m trying.”

“That’s all I can really ask of you then. I guess I just have to trust you to be honest with me.”

“I guess you do.”

Andrew sat back up and moved from Neil’s lap, standing next to the bed and holding out a hand.

“Now go shower. You smell horrible.”

****

Andrew made his way downstairs in search of coffee once Neil was in the shower. He hadn’t slept at all last night. He felt guilty and angry and just a tiny bit helpless. Because Neil really didn’t understand what it was to fight this fight and he didn’t know how to make him understand. But, Andrew supposed, Neil didn’t really need to understand. He just needed to trust Andrew to handle it. He’d still kept up with his skype sessions with Bee. He was still working on recovery. He was telling the truth when he said he’d never lied to Neil. He didn’t intend to start now.

Nicky was the only other person in the kitchen, Andrew was glad to see. No one would’ve been preferable, but Nicky was a better alternative than the rest. Andrew didn’t know when that happened and he didn’t want to look too closely at it. His cousin was sitting at the long bar in the middle of the kitchen.

“Good morning!” Nicky said brightly. “There’s a pot of coffee made already.”

Andrew nodded in response and went to make himself a cup of sugar with a little bit of coffee added.

“So…you want to tell me why Neil was sleeping on the couch last night?” Nicky hedged.

“No.”

“Okay. But, are you guys okay? I know shit’s probably hard with the distance. Trust me, if anyone understands, I do.”

Andrew stopped stirring his coffee. He’d never really thought of it like that before, but it was true. Nicky had been separated from Erik for a lot longer and for a much greater distance. Andrew turned around to face Nicky and leaned against the counter, holding his mug with both hands to let the warmth seep into his fingers. He stared into it’s depths like it held the answers he was looking for.

“How?” It was all he could manage to let himself get out and he said it while still studying his coffee.

Nicky sighed. Andrew flicked his eyes up and saw his cousin staring off to the side, contemplation in his eyes.

“Lots of phone sex,” he finally said. Andrew snorted and turned away. He should’ve known better.

“And communication. You have to be honest with each other about what’s going on. There will be days when you just really don’t want to talk to him or he doesn’t want to talk to you. Because it’s been a hard day and you’re exhausted and the thought of talking to someone else and rehashing everything sounds terrible. But you have to sometimes.”

Andrew stayed facing the other way. He set his mug down and placed both palms on the counter top, leaning against them and hunching his shoulders. Trying to hide in plain sight.

“He has a lot to deal with this year,” Andrew finally said, because it was true, and it was what he’d been telling himself every time he wanted to call Neil and unload. The school year hadn’t started yet, but once it did Andrew knew his partner would be under a lot of stress.

“So do you,” Nicky’s voice came from behind him. “Does that mean you don’t want Neil calling you if he needs someone to talk to?”

“No.”

“So, there you go. I’m just saying, Andrew. If you keep it in and let it fester he’s going to think it’s his fault. He’s going to feel like you’re pulling away. I know you still talk to Betsy, but let Neil in a little, too. He’s earned his place there, I think.”

Andrew let his shoulders drop and let a breath loose. They hadn’t even gotten to the hard part of this distance yet and he was already fucking everything up.

He turned around to face Nicky, only to see Boyd standing in the doorway to the kitchen behind him. He had one shoulder leaned against it and his arms crossed over his chest. Nicky furrowed his brows at Andrew’s face and turned his head to see what Andrew was looking at. He jumped when he saw Boyd.

“Jesus, Matt. Eavesdropping much?”

Boyd pushed off the door and walked into the kitchen, eyes on Andrew. “I only heard the last bit, no worries,” he said with a grin. “But since we’re here and since we’re all talking about Neil anyway, I thought I should go ahead and let you know that if you fuck this up, if you hurt him, I’ll make life really difficult for you, Minyard. I wasn’t worried when you were at PSU together, because you were joined at the hip. But now that you’re not and now that none of us have eyes on you, I’m going to go ahead and give you this warning. You make him happy, and I’m glad. I don’t really understand the dynamics here, but I don’t have to understand it. I respect it. But the second you step out of line and do something that hurts him in a way that’s hard to come back from, I’ll be waiting.”

The grin never left Boyd’s face. He was on the other side of the counter from Andrew and Nicky was looking between them like it was a tennis match, wide-eyed and terrified.  Andrew cocked his head and stared at Boyd for a moment before responding.

“Go fuck yourself,” he turned around and poured a second mug of coffee for Neil. When he went to make his way back upstairs, Matt was still there all amusement and sharps smiles. He made it to the doorway of the kitchen and said without stopping and without turning around, “Don’t worry, by the way. He doesn’t know it was him you were checking out all those years.”

Nicky’s howl of laughter followed Andrew all the way up the stairs.

****

Their last full day at the beach house, the entire group went out together to explore. They found an antique car museum that Matt was trying to convince everyone was totally worth the $10 a piece to get in. Neil agreed because he could tell Andrew wanted to but knew he wouldn’t agree with anything Matt said. The girls agreed because it was July in South Carolina and there was AC involved. Nicky and Aaron agreed because they were outnumbered.

Neil loved watching Andrew with the cars. He would read the information on each one and look through the windows with his hands over his eyes to block out the glare. Matt was exclaiming over every car, flitting from one to the other, dragging a laughing Dan with him. Renee was taking pictures of Allison posing in front of a cherry red something or other Neil didn’t really care to learn about. Aaron and Nicky were absent from the group, and Neil assumed they had found somewhere to sit that wasn’t full of the smell of motor oil and Matt’s undying devotion.

Neil walked up and stood next to Andrew while he read the plaque of info for what was apparently a 1961 Jaguar E-Type Convertible. It was the third time he’d caught Andrew at this particular car. It was sleek and black and Neil had to admit, Andrew would look amazing driving it.

“Do you want to sit in it?” a gravelly voice asked from behind them. A man with dark skin and gray hair had come up behind them and was looking at Andrew with amusement in his eyes.

“Yes,” Andrew said, immediately. The man smiled and walked over to the rope, removing one side so Andrew could get to the car. He opened the door for him and Andrew slid into the driver’s seat, hands automatically gripping the wheel. The door shut and Andrew ran his hands reverently over the leather interior. The gear shift. The knobs and button on the dash. Neil had never seen him look so excited about anything. He pulled out his phone and snapped a picture before Andrew could protest.

Andrew sighed and looked around one more time before getting out of the car. He closed the door gently and nodded to the man that let him sit in it.

“That was it, wasn’t it?” Neil asked.

“What?”

“That car. That was your dream car. The one you would have if you could,” Neil couldn’t keep the smile from his face.

“Among others. I wouldn’t say no to it, if it was offered to me.”

“You know you’re rich now, right? And a few years from now you’ll be even more rich? You’ll probably be able to buy five of those cars if you really want to.”

Andrew huffed. “That just shows how little you know about cars. Your ignorance is hanging out for everyone to see, Neil. Tuck it back in before you embarrass yourself.”

Neil grinned and bumped his shoulder with Andrew’s, grabbing his hand and lacing their fingers together.

****

After dinner, Nicky led them all to a bar named Grand Central. Neil would’ve gladly gone back to the beach house and gone straight to bed after his night spent tossing and turning, but he didn’t want to miss anything. Andrew was indifferent, so they got an Uber big enough to carry all of them and made their way to the bar.

As soon as they walked in, Neil was forcibly reminded of Eden’s.

“Nicky, this is a gay bar. What the fuck?” Aaron called over the music, once they were all in and had found an empty table near the dance floor.

“Eden’s is a gay bar and you went there with us every weekend while we were at PSU. Why are you complaining now?” Nicky yelled back.

“Wait…” Neil was confused. “Eden’s is a gay bar?”

Nicky looked scandalized. “Andrew, what the hell have you been teaching him? His gay education is seriously lacking,” Nicky looked back to Neil. “You didn’t notice all the guys? With the other guys? And the leather? And the collars? No? Nothing?”

Neil shrugged, “I mostly stayed at the table with Andrew.”

Nicky shook his head and shot a glare at Andrew, as if it was his fault Neil was so oblivious. Aaron just huffed.

“I know the people at Eden’s. That’s different.”

“No, it’s not,” Allison shot at him. “Stop bitching and let’s dance! Minyard, you’re in charge of drinks!” She pulled Aaron, who looked wide-eyed and confused, up the by arm and drug him and Renee out onto the dance floor. Dan and Matt followed.

Andrew rolled his eyes. “Nicky go get drinks.”

“But that’s your job!”

“If you want to drink, go get drinks.” Nicky gave Andrew a wry look and got up from the table. That left Neil, Andrew and Kevin and Neil was again reminded of their time at Eden’s. Except this time Kevin was sober and he was here with everyone, not just Andrew’s lot.

Nicky came back and like it was a bat signal for drunkenness, the others found their way back immediately. They sat and they drank and they laughed and Andrew joined Renee in a debate about whether the US should do away with the electoral college. It was relaxing, and Neil was basking in it.

Soon enough everyone else was on the dance floor. He and Andrew were at the table watching and listening to the live DJ make terrible jokes. Nicky showed up sweaty and breathless an hour later and slung an arm around Neil.

“Dance with me!” he panted. Neil cringed away from his sweaty body.

“Nicky, if you want to keep that arm, I suggest you move it,” Andrew growled.

“Aw, come on! You never let Neil have any fun! He sits here and doesn’t dance because you don’t dance and then you terrify anyone who would even think of asking him.”

“Good,” Andrew said, taking a sip of his drink.

“Neil deserves to have a good time. Don’t you, Neil?” Neil didn’t answer. He never minded sitting with Andrew. Some of their best conversations happened at those tables at Eden’s when everyone else was gone and it was just the two of them. He’d never really thought about actually dancing before. It just wasn’t really an option.

Andrew raised a brow at him. “Do you want to dance?”

Neil shrugged, trying to feign nonchalance but unable to fight the grin blooming its way to his face.

“Only if it’s with you. I don’t mind not dancing.”

Andrew stared at him for a minute before putting his drink down and shoving his chair back. He held out his hand to Neil.

“Then let’s dance.”

****

Andrew hated himself. A lot. He already knew this, but this form of punishment was too far even for him. He did not dance. Not that he couldn’t. Not that he hadn’t. But being on a dance floor with sweaty bodies and wandering hands was not his idea of a good time. He couldn’t resist Neil’s grin though. Couldn’t deny it when Nicky said Neil deserved to have a good time. He did, and Andrew wanted to give it to him. So, he acquiesced.

As they made their way, hand in hand, to the middle of the floor, the DJ called out over the room.

“Okay, all you horny people! Let’s slow it dooooown just a bit. No getting naked on the dance floor! This is not our usual sound, but this is my lover’s favorite song so you’re all going to commiserate with me since he’s not here tonight. Love you, Matteas!” The crowd laughed and cheered, and Andrew thanked a god he didn’t believe in that he wouldn’t have to deal with bumping and grinding drunk people.

The song started, a slow piano playing a halting and subdued tune. Once the words started, it was like a smooth whiskey. It was deep and rich and if Andrew had to put a color to it, it would be a golden brown.

They stopped in the middle of the dance floor and Andrew pulled Neil in close. Neil wrapped his arms around Andrew’s neck, and Andrew wrapped his arms around Neil’s waist. The lyrics were warm, and Neil was looking at Andrew with a nervous smile. Andrew just stared back, and Neil bit his bottom lip the way he always did when he was nervous or worried or turned on. Andrew reached up a hand and tugged it out of his teeth. And the music played.

_I'll use you as a warning sign_

_That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind_

_And I'll use you as a focal point_

_So I don't lose sight of what I want_

_And I've moved further than I thought I could_

_But I missed you more than I thought I would_

_And I'll use you as a warning sign_

_That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind_

“You didn’t have to do this, you know,” Neil said in his ear, so he could be heard above the music. “But I’m glad you did.”

Andrew just pulled him a little closer. They were flush against each other now, and Neil’s head was still near his ear so he could feel his warm breath on his neck. He didn’t know how he was going to live without this again when he went back to Denver. It was so hard when Neil left the first time, to learn to live without seeing him every day. It was so hard to not have Neil next to him, a warm presence even in silence. The other half to his broken soul.

The music played, and they stayed together barely moving. Holding on for dear life.

_And I found love where it wasn’t supposed to be_

_Right in front of me_

_Talk some sense to me_

Neil moved his head to look at Andrew. They locked eyes. They spoke silent words. They made silent promises. They clutched shoulders and waists and moved in a slow circle. The club was still dark and the lights were still flashing and they were bathed in red and blue and green and Andrew’s breath was stolen from his lungs. Before he could catch it, before he could grasp on to something to try and squash the overwhelming emotion that he always kept locked up so tight but was clawing its way to the surface, Neil kissed him.

It was like the kiss in the airport. It was like no kiss they’d ever had. It was like Andrew had been drowning in those waves that pulled him under, and Neil was rescuing him. Breathing new life into his lungs and pulling him to the surface. He ran his tongue over Neil’s bottom lip and Neil opened for him, like he always did. He tasted his mouth and breathed his air and thought _‘this this this’_ until all the sensation made thinking too hard.

_And I’ll use you as a makeshift gauge_

_Of how much to give and how much to take_

_I’ll use you as a warning sign_

_That if you talk enough sense then you’ll lose your mind_

When they finally pulled apart, Andrew put his forehead to Neil’s. Neil’s hands were in Andrew’s hair, gripping the blonde strands tightly and Andrew’s hands hand found their way under the front of Neil’s shirt. Tracing the scars he knew so well. The ones that always centered him and told him it was his partner there with him when the darkness threatened him.

_And I found love where it wasn’t supposed to be_

_Right in front of me_

_T_ _alk some sense to me_

When the song ended, they stood still until a heavy beat picked up and people around them started to move. Andrew grabbed Neil’s wrist and started to drag him outside, passing by their table on the way. Everyone stared at them, Nicky with his hands over his mouth and tears in his eyes and Renee with a tiny smile. Andrew raised an eyebrow at Matt who shrugged as if to say, _‘Alright. I get it.’_

No one said a word to them and they said a word to no one as they left the club alone and hopped in the back of an uber.

****

Once they were back at the beach house, they made their way upstairs to their bedroom and to each other. Neil’s chest was tight. There wasn’t enough air. They couldn’t get close enough.

They were desperate. The dance, the song, the kiss all built up to this moment where they were trying to crawl inside of each other. Trying to feel the pieces where they fit with desperate fingers and wandering mouths. Neil ripped his mouth away from Andrew’s and dropped to his knees in the middle of the room.

He trusted Andrew to stop him if he needed to, but Neil knew his partner. Neil knew when he wanted space and when he wanted Neil. And right now, he wanted Neil with a desperation that only matched his own.

Neil unbuckled Andrew’s belt and slid it out of his pants, tossing it to the side. He quickly unbuttoned his jeans and pulled them and Andrew’s underwear down to mid-thigh, just enough to get to what he needed. His hands were shaking, he realized. Not because he was scared, but because the anticipation was killing him. He _needed_ this right now. Need Andrew in his mouth and in his body and in his soul.

Andrew plunged fingers into Neil’s hair and hissed when Neil finally took him in his mouth. He worked Andrew fast and rough, the way he knew his partner liked it. He palmed himself through his jeans and moaned around Andrew’s cock, suddenly very glad they were the only people in the house.

Andrew tugged his hair to pull him up and kissed him hard. He pulled Neil over to the dresser until Neil was backed into it, and only pulled away long enough to get the lube he packed in his bag and to shed his clothes. Neil hurriedly shed his own.

A few minutes and a few slick fingers later, Neil found himself bent over the dresser, looking at Andrew behind him in the mirror. They didn’t often do this in this position, because Andrew liked to see his face. Like to see his reactions and liked to make sure Neil was okay. But this mirror allowed both of them to see everything and he did not think Andrew would complain.

They locked eyes as Andrew nudged at Neil’s entrance, and Neil’s eyes said _‘yes now’_ and Andrew’s eyes said _‘thank god.’_

Andrew started to move, and Neil sucked in a breath. He loved this part. He loved the burn. Andrew laid himself over Neil’s back and rested his forehead in between Neil’s shoulder blades. He kissed him there. He kissed him on his shoulders. He kissed him on his neck. And Neil watched him through heavy lidded eyes through the mirror and thought _‘he loves me almost as much as I love him.’_

Once Andrew stood back up and grabbed Neil’s hips in a grip Neil knew would leave bruises, he did not hesitate. He did not go slow. He did not take his time. It was fast and rough and grief fueled because neither of them knew when they’d have this again. They _would_ have it, they knew. But when was a mystery. Now was not. Now was here and they would use now until the very last moment they could.

Neil arched his back to deepen the angle and sobbed at the feeling of Andrew rubbing against his prostate.

“Fuck, right there,” he gasped, and Andrew listened. He looked at Neil’s face in the mirror with dark eyes and a flushed face and drove into him hard. Like he was angry at Neil. Like it was all Neil’s fault Andrew felt so fucking much right now. Like he was determined to make Neil scream.

So, he did. Neil came untouched and yelled loud enough that he knew if anyone else were anywhere at all in the house, they would’ve heard. He did not care now. He did not care if the entire fucking street heard. This was Andrew giving part of his soul to Neil and he would take it every time.

Andrew came a few thrusts later, laying over Neil once more, breathing hard and biting his shoulder to stifle his moaning. Neil let out a gasp that turned into a moan and dropped his head to his arm, panting, trying not to collapse to the floor.

After what seemed like an eternity, Andrew stood up straight and pulled out of Neil. Neil stood, wincing at the twinge in his lower back and turned around to face Andrew. Andrew grabbed him around the waist and pulled him in for one more kiss. This one was slow. This one was a _thank you_ and an _I’m sorry_ and an _I love you_ **_so fucking much_**.

They took a very long shower.

****

“Tell me something I don’t know about you.” Neil said. In the giant bed with his head on Andrew’s chest and a finger tracing patterns in the space between Andrew’s pecs, Neil felt languid and content. He pushed away any thought of tomorrow. Of having to leave this space.

Andrew looked at him with disdain on his face. “Really?”

“Oh, come on. A truth for a truth. Something you’ve never told anyone.”

Andrew sighed and looked to the ceiling, thinking. “My first crush was a boy in juvie. I thought something was wrong with me because of all the abuse. So, after sitting through therapy and trying to come to terms with it I decided to just kiss this kid and see what happened.”

Neil gasped. “No! You just kissed him? Was he even into guys?”

“No idea. But when I kissed him he kissed me back and when he tried to stick his tongue in my mouth I punched him,” Andrew said with an almost grin on his face.

“Well, obviously you punched him. Who did that kid think he was, sticking his tongue in your mouth?”

“Exactly. But it was fine. I got the hang of it eventually and that kid and I did a lot of exploring that year in juvie.”

“What was his name?” Neil asked.

“I have no idea.”

“Liar.”

“I swear, I have no idea. We never talked. We would catch eyes and meet behind the gardening shed during yard time and that was it.”

“Wow. That is so on brand for you. Juvie Andrew really set the tone, huh? I don’t have anything near as interesting as that to tell you,” Neil said laughing again.

“Tell me something else then. Something no one knows.”

Neil curled a little further into Andrew’s chest. He wracked his brain. The truth was Andrew knew most of it. There wasn’t a whole lot to tell.

“My mother used to sing to me,” he offered, for lack of anything better.

“That’s not a truth. Mother’s sing, it’s the way of the world. I had a few mothers that would beat me and then sing to me. That’s not news.”

Neil winced at the mental image. “It’s the news I’ve got,” he thought about stopping there but elaborated with a heavy sigh. “When we were on the run and I got scared or hurt, she would sing. It was the only time she was gentle with me. She would crawl into the bed next to me and sing in my ear. A few times when I thought I was dying, when I got shot and when I had to jump out of that car in Germany, she sang to me while I was drunk on vodka to ease the pain. And I thought for sure that when I did actually die, that song would be the last thing I would hear.”

“What song was it?” Andrew asked, curiosity piqued.

“You Are My Sunshine. So cliché, I know. But she would sing it in English or German or French and every time it made the hurt just a little less. It got to where whenever I was hurt, I would sing it in my head. Even now, honestly. That song ran through my head a lot in a lot of different languages when I was in the nest over Christmas break freshman year.”

Andrew squeezed him a little closer. “I wish I could’ve been the one to kill Riko,” he said into Neil’s hair.

“Me, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya'll were so mad at me about the end of the last chapter, I went overboard with the fluff. SORRY NOT SORRY. 
> 
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!  
> Come say hi to me on [tumblr!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/jtmann182)


	5. Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bad surprises! But also good ones! Balance!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter would not have happened without bloodydamnit, windeavesdrops and SeaBear13 helping me make sense of my jumble of ideas. :D

“You want to explain to me what exactly this is?”

Christina slapped something down on the desk in front of her and slid it toward Andrew. He rolled his eyes at her dramatics. Really? She couldn’t just show it to him and ask him about it? She had to slam it on the desk like they’re in a god damned mafia movie? Andrew leaned forward to look and immediately leaned back into his seat.

“No.”

“No? Try again. What did I tell you about making my job more difficult than it already is?”

Andrew looked again. It was a picture of him and Neil at Grand Central. Someone had snapped it towards the end of their dance. Neil had his hands buried in Andrew’s hair and Andrew’s hands we’re underneath Neil’s shirt while they kissed. The picture was dark and grainy. Andrew’s face wasn’t visible because of Neil’s hands and Neil’s face was partially obscured as well.

“That’s not me,” Andrew tried in a bored voice.

“You can’t bullshit a professional bullshitter, Minyard. What the fuck were you two thinking? Didn’t I tell you avoid crowded places?” She was pissed, Andrew noted. Her nostrils were flaring and somehow her hair seemed to be getting bigger every minute he was in that office. He might have found it amusing if the situation weren’t so serious. He’d fucked up.

“We were in South Carolina. How was I supposed to know we’d be recognized? I haven’t even played a game here yet, no one cares who I am. I told you I was going.”

“Yep. You sure did, _precioso_.  And I told you to stay out of trouble. This is not that,” she said, jabbing a finger to the picture. “You were in _South Carolina_. You know. Where you used to play college Exy? Where your boyfriend currently still plays college Exy and is the best striker in the NCAA right now? Ringing a bell?”

“Partner,” Andrew responded.

“What?” asked Christina, momentarily confused.

“He’s my partner, not my boyfriend. It’s bad enough I have to even talk to you about this, at least give me that.”

Christina huffed a breath. “I’m sorry. I respect whatever you choose to call each other, I really do. But this is a problem.”

Andrew sighed and ran his hands through his hair. If this got out… _fuck_. He didn’t care if people knew but he did not want to be the reason Neil missed out on getting drafted or getting endorsement deals.

“How did you even get this? Did someone send this straight to you?” he asked. Was someone out there trying to sell pictures of them?

“I have friends in the media. They know you’re one of mine and I told them we wanted to keep an eye on Josten as a potential recruit next year to make sure he didn’t stir up controversy. Because I knew if he did you’d be involved,” she told him sternly. Andrew suddenly felt like he was in the principal’s office. “Someone called me and told me they had this picture and that the person shopping it around was saying it was you and Josten. I’ve put word out that you were in Denver during this time and that Josten was in Palmetto training with Coach Wymack. This isn’t going to go anywhere.”

Andrew let his shoulders relax. “So why are you freaking out? It’s nothing. It’s fine. We’ll be more careful next time,” he started to get up when Christina snapped her fingers at him.

“Sit your ass down, Minyard. I’m freaking out because this is exactly the kind of thing I was afraid of. You want to protect your boy? You want to make sure he gets drafted to the team he wants? Then get your shit together. I get it, it’s hard-“ Andrew cut her off.

“ _Do_ you get it?” Andrew asked, head cocked. “Do you get what it’s like not to be able to be with the person you want to be with in the way you want to be with them because you’re both men? Do you get that it could literally ruin one or both of our careers, just because people don’t like what we do behind closed doors?

If he expected Christina to be cowed or to backtrack, she didn’t. She laughed. And Andrew felt nothing but a seething hatred for a second. Was she fucking laughing at this situation?

“ _Precioso_ , I’m queer. I come from a strict Spanish Catholic family. I’m a woman in the PR industry. Do I get it? Yes, sweetheart. I get it. The world is a giant dumpster fire of intolerance. Doesn’t change anything here. I’m protecting you and your career and you can thank me when you retire without drama surrounding it,” she snapped. “Let me say this again since it didn’t sink in the first time. _Do not_ go to crowded places together. If you can’t avoid it, _no fucking touching_. I know, I know. It must be difficult not to put your hands all over him. But save it for when you’re alone. If you’re serious about this relationship and splitting isn’t an option-“

“It’s not,” Andrew said through gritted teeth.

“Then help me make it work for you, okay?”

“Fine,” Andrew said standing up. He started to leave the room until he remembered what she’d said about Neil. “So, is Neil a potential recruit? Or is that just what you’ve told people so you can keep tabs on him?”

“He is not a potential recruit,” Christina replied, all harshness gone and replaced by a businesslike indifference. Andrew deflated a little and turned to leave.

“Yet. I wouldn’t get your hopes up. We have a full striker line-up and no one is retiring next year that I know of. Unless someone gets traded, I don’t know if it’s a possibility. But like I said, Josten is the best striker in the NCAA. I can’t imagine management not trying to recruit him if there’s a spot.”

Andrew had stopped with his hand on the door knob. When she was done talking, he opened the door and walked out and tried to kill any hope he carried. Because if there was one thing Andrew had learned in his very fucked up existence, it was that it was better not to hope at all.

****

Neil was a week into classes at PSU when he realized something. Something he’d been burying his head in the sand about for the past 4 years. Something he knew logically was coming, but he hid away so he wouldn’t have to think about it.

He’d saved all the hardest classes for his major until his last year. And he had no idea how he was going to make it out alive. Advanced Stochastic Processes was going to go where no insane father or criminal organization had been able to go before and actually kill him.

Their first game was against Breckenridge at the end of the month, and though the team was slowly coming together and incorporating the new freshman, they weren’t where they should be. He had no doubt of their ability to beat Breckenridge. But he still wanted to try and keep the point margin as high as possible, just in case.

He was the first to arrive for practice and was starting to gear up when Wymack came to find him.

“Josten, come in my office for a second. I need to discuss something with you,” he said, not looking at Neil and turning back around immediately.

“Whatever it is, it was Andrew,” Neil called after him.

“Minyard’s not here that excuse doesn’t work anymore. Now get your ass in here.”

Neil set down his gear and followed Wymack to his office. He sat down across the desk from his coach and waited. Wymack had removed the band aid from his cheek weeks ago, but still had a small mark on his face under his eye. Neil wondered but didn’t ask.

“April’s gone,” Wymack said with no preamble.

Neil blinked. “What? What do you mean she’s gone? How much practice is she going to miss?

Wymack shook his head. “No, she’s gone. From the team, from PSU, from South Carolina. She got into a fight and beat the shit out of someone before pulling a weapon. She claims it was self defense and she had no intention of using it, but the school board didn’t see it that way. She was expelled. She’s already gone.

“What the fuck, Coach? Why am I just now hearing about this? When the hell did this even happen?” Neil was suddenly furious. The first week of classes is just ending and already? Already they’ve lost the only striker sub they had managed to sign this year? Their second back up backed out of the contract when they were offered a scholarship from another school. It’s freshman year all over again. They were going to have to play full games. Neil hadn’t done that in 4 years.

“Calm down, Josten. I told you as soon as I got the confirmation. We’ve done this before and we’ll do it again. Now sit your ass down.” Neil realized he had risen halfway out of his seat. He plopped back down and crossed him arms over his chest.

“We can’t this year. We can’t. It’s not like it was. The team isn’t strong enough. _I_ can’t this year,” Neil felt hopeless very suddenly. Of all the years for this to happen, it had to be this one. It had to be the year he actually needed to win championships to better his chances of getting drafted, the year that was already going to be hell academically, the year he didn’t have Andrew’s solid presence to lean on.

“Shut your mouth, Josten. You can do it this year and I don’t want to hear you say otherwise, you understand me?” Wymack growled jabbing a finger at Neil. He sighed and leaned back in his chair when Neil didn’t respond. He rubbed a hand over his eyes.

“I know it’s going to be hard. It’s going to be a fight. But you can lead this team, Josten. It’s why you’re Captain. You’ve brought the team together the entire time you’ve been here, and that’s not going to change this year. Get out of your head and get into the game.”

Neil was not convinced, but what could he do? It’s not like he could quit or walk away. He wouldn’t even if he could.

He took a deep breath and tried to focus. “Fine. We’ll make it work. You get to be the one to tell the rest of the team, though.”

“Gee, thanks. So generous.” Wymack rolled his eyes and stood. “Now go finish changing out. I want everyone working twice as hard on the death drills today.”

So, Neil sucked it up and followed Wymack out of the office to get to work.

****

“You excited about our first game?” Maxwell asked Andrew excitedly.

“Ecstatic,” Andrew answered dully. He was not excited. It was an away game and he’d have to share a hotel room with someone and that sounded like fucking torture.

It was against Kevin’s team, the Seattle Black Bears. Kevin had been calling him constantly. Andrew never answered so he didn’t know why. But he was pretty sure it was exy related and that’s all he needed to know, really.  

Practice that day had been no less brutal than all the other days, but with each passing day Andrew was learning to bear the weight a little better. He was slowly gaining the respect of his teammates, except a striker named Mark Johnson. Andrew had replaced his friend as a sub goalie and he seemed determined to hold it against Andrew. Andrew did not care. He could tolerate his teammates on a professional level, but he certainly did not need any of them to like him.

He quickly showered and changed out and refused the invitation to join Maxwell and a few others for dinner and made his way to his apartment. His phone buzzed when he was halfway there and he answered it without looking, thinking it would be Neil.

“You already done with practice?” Andrew asked when he answered the phone.

“Andrew?”

Fuck. It was Kevin. Andrew sighed and rolled his eyes.

“Kevin. What?”

“I’ve been trying to get a hold of you. I just wanted to talk about the game coming up.”

“Why?” Andrew asked. What could they possibly have to talk about?

“Ah, just strategy, I guess,” Kevin answered. “Do you want to get together after the game? Get coffee or something before you go back to Denver?”

Andrew didn’t know how to respond. Because his gut reaction was to say ‘No absolutely not fuck off’, but if he used Bee’s method of listening to understand instead of listening to respond, he could admit that it was probably not a bad idea. He also noted Kevin wanted to get coffee, not drinks. Interesting.

“Fine. It’ll have to be early the next morning. Our flight leaves Washington at eleven,” Andrew finally said.

“Yeah, I can do that. So how is Denver? All settled in?”

Andrew shrugged even though Kevin couldn’t see him. “It’s fine.”

“Okay. It’s just…I just know how it is to move to a new place where you don’t know anyone and to have to deal with the dynamic. So, if you ever want to talk…”

“Good bye, Kevin,” Andrew said and hung up the phone. He didn’t know what had gotten up Kevin’s ass but he didn’t want to deal with it tonight.

****

After practice, Neil convinced Robin and Jack to take an impromptu trip to Exites. Yes, he was going to drive an hour to an Exy store to take his mind off of the misery that was that day’s practice. April’s absence was felt and the team regressed immediately once told they’d be down a striker sub. It was like they’d already lost and suddenly no one remembered what they were supposed to be doing and where they were supposed to be. It was a shit show.

So that was how he found himself Exites in Columbia with Robin and Jack looking for things he could buy but obviously didn’t need. PSU provided all the gear and equipment he could need or want, but something about the smell of freshly strung racquets made Neil feel calmer.

They made their way upstairs to check out any new racquet models. They passed by all of the athletic wear and shoes when Jack let out a sound of choked outrage. Neil looked up and followed his gaze and couldn’t hold back the sharp breath he sucked in.

There. In Exites. Was Andrew Minyard, sweaty and lifting weights in Nike gear. Neil could feel his face go hot and his jaw drop, but he couldn’t even make himself care. The picture was huge, taking up almost an entire wall. It was black and white and Andrew was sitting on the edge of a weight bench, curling what looked to be a very heavy weight. The muscle in his arm bulged and his head was tilted down so his hair was falling in front of his face. He wore a Nike tank top, Nike shorts, Nike shoes. And sweat. He wore a lot of sweat. Neil was sweating, too.

“Josten! For Christ’s sake please stop making that face,” Jack yelled at Neil. Neil looked over at him and regained as much composure as he could.

“Fuck off, Jack. I was just surprised, that’s all.” Neil felt shaky. He didn’t know if it was the sudden tightness in his jeans or the fact that he was not expecting a gigantic poster of his partner to suddenly appear. He looked to Robin behind him to find her giggling behind her hand.

“Stop. Look at it! It’s fucking huge!”

“Didn’t he tell you he was shooting a campaign for Nike?” Robin asked, stifling her giggles.

“Of course he told me! But he said it was for the fall campaign,” Neil explained desperately. He was not a love-sick idiot. He didn’t think.

“Um, it’s August. If it’s for a fall campaign it would make sense that it’s out now. You should be proud! He looks amazing!” she said, gesturing toward the picture.

Neil looked back to the picture and sighed. “He really does, doesn’t he? Fuck. I miss him.”

“Well obviously. You’ll get to see him soon enough I’m sure, don’t worry. Now do yourself a favor and find the pictures online so you can pursue them at your leisure later,” she winked at him.

They made their way to the racquets to find Jack, but somehow Neil didn’t find them quite as interesting as he’d hoped.

As soon as he was back on campus and had kicked Robin and Jack out of his car, he called Andrew.

“Yes?” he answered. Neil knew he was done with practice right now. He was probably just getting home and hadn’t had time to settle in and eat dinner, but Neil didn’t care this time. Usually he tried to give Andrew a reprieve from training before calling him, but tonight was an exception.

“Thanks for telling me the Nike campaign was coming out. I just walked into Exites and nearly pissed myself at a 10 foot tall poster of you lifting weights.”

“So, did you call me to tell me what a good day you’re having?” Neal could hear the sound of Andrew moving around pots and pans and opening the fridge.

“It was just surprising, is all,” Neil bit his lip before saying, “You looked amazing in that picture.”

“Oh? You know they probably edited the shit out of it right?”

“No. They didn’t. I know those biceps, Andrew. They didn’t need to photoshop them, believe me.” The fact of the matter was that Andrew’s biceps were a special kind of weakness for Neil and he did not have a problem admitting that. They way they flexed when Andrew held Neil down or lifted Neil’s hips…

Neil shook his head and took a shaky breath.

“Listen, I know how amazing my muscles are you don’t have to tell me,” Andrew drawled, running water on the other end of the phone. “How was practice today?”

Andrew was changing the subject on purpose, Neil was sure. “Terrible. How was yours?”

“Why was it terrible? Jack finally break someone?”

So, Neil told him. About April and about how he didn’t think he could do it this year. He sat in his car and he pulled his legs up to his chest and he spilled every single worry he had about the school year. Andrew stayed silent and let him get it all out. When he was finally done, he buried his face in his arms and waited for Andrew to respond.

“You’ll figure it out,” Andrew said.

“That’s it? I’ll figure it out?”

“Did you expect me to give you a 12 point plan? You have to do these things, Neil. You don’t have a choice. You have to graduate to get drafted to a pro-team, you have to have a cohesive team to get drafted, you have to get drafted to please the Moriyama’s. You’ll get it done because you have no other choice and you don’t know how to give up. To a fault sometimes,” Andrew added in a murmur when he was done.

Neil thought that should probably make him feel worse, but Andrew was right. This was just his life right now and if he really thought about it, he’d dealt with worse. He’d take the issues of this year over the issues of freshman year any day of the week. He should be grateful he even had issues like this to deal with. Hard classes for a whole degree in his last year of college? There was a time he didn’t think he’d live long enough to see himself graduate college.

He could do this. It would be fine. Because it _had_ to be fine.

He let out a long breath. “You’re right.”

“Of course I’m right. Go eat and do homework and shit. Call me later tonight.”

“Okay. Thank you. I miss your biceps,” Neil replied, suddenly finding the whole picture situation incredibly funny.

“Yeah? Think about them next time you shower, will you?” Andrew said and hung up before Neil could respond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!  
> Come say hi to me on [tumblr!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/jtmann182)


	6. Mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andrew's first game and Neil's mistake.

Andrew woke from his dream panting, one hand already in his boxers wrapped around himself.

“ _Fuck_ ,” he whispered to the dark room. It had been too long. It had been too long since he’d had anything other than his hand and maybe Neil’s voice saying words he loves to hear come from his mouth over the phone. _Fuck_ and _touch_ and _I miss you_.

The thing about his dreams, when they were like this, was that they were so very rarely explicitly sexual. It would be an interesting conversation to have with Bee, he thought. His nightmares were explicitly sexual. He rarely had them these days, but when he did he woke up with phantom aches and touches. But when his dreams were about Neil, they were subtle. They were a flash of blue eyes, a full bottom lip caught between teeth, long and thin fingers making their way up his arm, down his chest.

He wanted to call Neil. He wanted to hear his voice roughened with sleep. He wanted to hear him whisper ‘ _Andrew?_ ’ when he answered the phone because it’s late and everyone is sleeping.

Andrew gripped himself tighter and moved his other hand up his chest trying to recreate the feeling. He plunged it into his own hair and pulled, just like Neil would do. He imagined the eyes and the lips and maybe even the curve of Neil’s ass when he’s naked and the sheet is riding low on his hips.

Andrew came with Neil’s name spilling out of his mouth and his hand pulling his hair painfully. He removed his fingers from the strands and used them to rub his face and cover his eyes, trying to come down and catch his breath.

It had been too long, and if he was being honest with himself, it was starting affect him in more ways than one.

Andrew looked at the clock beside his bed and sighed. It was four in the morning. He had to be up in two hours to get ready and meet the team at the stadium for a short practice and strategy meeting before heading to the airport for their game in Seattle. He was never going to get back to sleep now. He eyes traveled from the clock to the picture of him and Neil and while it usually gave him comfort, it hurt to look at right then. When Neil is so far away and he’s starting to feel himself slip under, just a little.

Andrew made a mental note to maybe schedule an extra session with Betsy this week as he got up to clean himself off and take a shower. He could talk to Neil. Neil would listen and offer advice. But Neil had enough to deal with without adding Andrew’s bullshit to the pile.

He took a deep breath and stopped thinking and took a shower as hot as he could stand it.

****

PSU won the game against Breckenridge, but barely. It was 6-7 in the Foxes favor and that last point was scored by Neil in the last minute of the game. He was all desperation and panic at that point. He hadn’t had to push himself that hard in years, and while they used the dealers, Cameron and Sheena, as striker subs, it still fell to Neil and Jack to do the bulk of the work. It was exhausting and at the end of the game, Neil couldn’t feel his lower half.

“But we won,” Kai reminded him after practice one day when Neil was still going on about the game. “Isn’t that all that matters?”

Ever the optimist. Neil wanted to punch him in the face.

“We need to raise the point gap next time. If we’re going to win championships we’re going to have to work twice as hard as we’re working now.”

“Okay, Cap,” Kai said with a laugh, holding his hands palms up. “We get it. Now, take off your leader cap and come hang out with us. Drinks in the girl’s dorm.”

“No thanks,” Neil said immediately. He still didn’t drink often, but when he did it was with Andrew. He knew he was safe with Andrew around. Plus, Andrew’s first game was tonight, and Neil had every intention of watching it alone on the couch, curled up in the blanket Andrew had let behind on purpose.

“Come on,” Robin whined, nudging Neil with an arm. “It’ll be fun. It’s Friday night, live a little. And we’ll be watching the game, so you have no excuse.

Neil sighed. He should probably just go. He was the captain. Team spirit, and all that shit?

“Fine. But I’m leaving as soon as the game is over.”

Robin waved him off. “Fine, fine, yes I know you must call your guy to congratulate him or console him. As long as you let yourself have some actual fun beforehand.”

That was how Neil found himself sandwiched on the couch between Kai who kept accidentally brushing his hand against Neil’s thigh and Bryan who yelled anytime anyone scored a goal. Teams did not matter to him, apparently.

The game was close, but Denver was winning. Kevin was playing better than Neil had ever seen him. He was always good, and he was always interesting to watch, but he’d definitely leveled up from last year. Neil wondered if his new found sobriety had anything to do with it.

Andrew came into goal in the second half and Neil was so nervous for him, he squeezed his thighs until it hurt. His heart pounded in his chest at the sight of his partner in that goal. It was odd seeing him in navy and silver instead of orange and white but seeing him in that number ten made him smile, just a little. It was like a little piece of him was there with Andrew, when he couldn’t be.

He took a long sip of his drink as the game started again. He didn’t even know what it was. It didn’t taste like alcohol. It was some kind of punch that Trysten had made and tasted a bit like grape soda, only not as sweet. She refilled his cup with a wink as he was glued to the screen.

Andrew didn’t have much to do for a while, but soon enough Kevin bulled his way through the backliners to try and score on Andrew. He did. Neil watched Andrew turn to watch the goal light up red before resuming his position. He stopped the next two goals before letting another in that put Seattle ahead. Neil was on edge. He wanted this win for Andrew. He’d been working so hard and was putting forth so much effort and he knew this was his introduction to the fans. This was the first time they were seeing him in action and Neil wanted so badly for them to accept him. They didn’t have to like him, but to at least respect the fact that he was an amazing fucking goalie.

Denver scored another point to tie the game, and they were in the last 30 seconds of play. Neil didn’t even know how many times Trysten had refilled his drink and how many times he’d slapped Kai’s hand away from his thigh after it accidentally made its way there again and again the drunker Kai got. Neil had the tip of his thumb in his mouth and he was biting it hard.

Kevin ran through the backliners to try for another goal.

And scored.

The room let out murmurs of sympathy for Denver and praise for Seattle and Neil just sat there. He was so disappointed for Andrew. He kept his eyes glued to the TV as Seattle came onto the court to celebrate and focused on Andrew, still in the goalie box. He had dropped his racquet so that the net was on the ground and he just stood there, until Chase Maxwell met him in the box and clapped him on the shoulder. Andrew followed him to the after game lineup.

Neil stood up, intending to go to his room and wait for Andrew to call when it hit him. He’d been so still and so focused, he hadn’t realized how drunk he was. The room spun, and he stumbled. Kai caught him, and Neil did not like the way his teammates hands felt on his body. It felt odd and wrong.

Neil heard Kai laugh from a great distance. “Hey, Cap. Let’s get you to bed.”

“Here, I’ll help you,” came Robin’s voice from somewhere beside Neil.

“No, no. It’s fine. I’m calling it a night, too. I’ll make sure he makes it into the bed.”

Neil allowed himself to be led to his dorm and sat on his bed. He laid down and put his phone next to his head so he could answer it if Andrew called. He would not fall asleep before then. He was not a sleep when he felt a hand in his hair and someone’s hot breath in his ear, whispering something he couldn’t make out. He was not asleep when someone tugged off his shoes. He was not asleep when someone laid down in the bed next to him. But he couldn’t move his head, and he was asleep before he could say anything.

****

Andrew stood in the shower after the game for longer than was strictly necessary. He was pissed. He didn’t even think he’d be so mad if it wasn’t for the fact that Kevin was the one who’d scored the most goals against him. It was his first pro-game. He was never going to be perfect. But he’d guarded the goal against Kevin for years. He knew how Kevin played. He should’ve been able to block more of his goals. He didn’t care about this stupid fucking game.

He didn’t care if his team won or lost, as long as he got paid. But the fact of the matter was that if he wanted to make more money and be a starting goalie he would have to be as good as any other starting goalie. Neil was going to have to give up 80% of his income to the Moriyama’s, and while that was still a good chunk of money for a professional Exy player, Andrew could not get out of his head that he needed to make up the difference. He needed to be able to support Neil no matter what happened. What if the Moriyama’s come back and demand 90%? 95%? What would Neil be able to do about it? Absolutely nothing. So, Andrew would be prepared. If he could get his shit together.

He turned off the water and rested his forehead against the tile. He closed his eyes and breathed deep. He reminded himself it was only his first game.

He needed to hear Neil’s voice.

He got dressed as quickly as possible and made his way to the bus with the rest of the team to head to the hotel. Of course, his luck had him roomed with Mark Johnson, the one teammate who couldn’t stand him.

Once they made it to the hotel and Andrew dumped his stuff in his room, he turned around to leave again immediately, phone in hand.

“Where are you going? We’re not supposed to go out tonight,” Johnson called to him as he made his way to the door.

“None of your fucking business,” Andrew responded, voice bored. He didn’t have time to deal with this asshole. He had a phone call to make.

He made his way downstairs and to the deserted business center of the hotel. He didn’t want to step outside. If there were photographers waiting like the coaches said, he didn’t want to deal with it.

He dialed Neil’s number and listened to it ring. Already feeling calmer knowing he’d be hearing his partners voice in just a few seconds. He heard the line click, but the voice that answered was not Neil’s.

“Hello?” it said. Andrew was immediately on alert.

“Who the fuck is this?” Andrew demanded. He was on his feet now. “Where’s Neil?”

“Wha…?” the voice said, sounding completely out of it. “Oh. Right. Neil. He’s here next to me in the bed. Hold on.”

Andrew froze. His heart plummeted straight to his stomach. He heard some rustling in the background and the mystery voice saying _‘Neil, hey Neil. Someone’s on the phone.’_

He heard muffled talking that sounded like Neil. That sounded like a sleepy Neil. That sounded like a _drunk_ Neil, if Andrew didn’t know any better.

Mystery voice came back on the line, “He’s too worn out sorry.” They hung up. And Andrew wanted to puke. He threw his phone across the room so it put a dent in the wall and sat back down in the chair, his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. He tugged at his hair and tried to calm down.

He was between being pissed at Neil and worried about Neil and trying not to jump to conclusions about Neil. There had to be an explanation. Some reason. Neil would’ve been waiting for his call. He would’ve watched the game. There’s no logical explanation for how he would end up in bed drunk with someone else. Him cheating on Andrew didn’t make sense. But neither did anything else. Andrew stood up and picked up his phone from where it fell on the floor. He dialed Neil’s number again, and this time it went straight to voicemail.

He contemplated breaking his phone just to see if it helped, but dialed another number instead. Robin answered almost immediately.

_"Hey, Minyard! Looking good in that game tonight!"_

"Where's Neil?" Andrew asked. He did not have time for idle chat. Robin was quiet for a moment.

_"Neil? He didn't call you?"_

"I called him and some guy answered the phone and said he was too wiped out to talk. He sounded drunk in the background," Andrew relayed this as quickly as he could to try and outrun his anger.

Robin murmured something that sounded like _'Kai fucking idiot'_

"Robin," Andrew gritted out.

_"Sorry, sorry. That was Kai. He's an idiot but harmless. Neil drank a little too much while we were watching the game. Kai took him back to the dorm. I watched them walk in, Andrew. He's safe, I promise."_

Andrew stayed quiet, chewing on his tongue. 

"Fine," he finally said, and hung up. Something loosened in his chest knowing Neil was safe. But he was still pissed.

****

Neil woke up sometime in the middle of night with the overwhelming urge to puke. He shot up in bed and moaned, clutching his head with one hand and his stomach with the other.

“Hey, you,” Neil heard from somewhere next to him. “You okay?”

Neil squinted in the general vicinity of the voice and jumped when he realized Kai was in the bed next to him, stretched out with a hand around Neil’s waist. Neil really was going to puke.

He kicked Kai until he got out of the way and Neil ran to the bathroom. It was purple and sweet and Neil hated everyone who was in that room while he was drinking that shit. How had he not noticed how wasted he was getting?

“Here’s some water,” he heard from the bathroom door. He lifted his head to look behind him at Kai, leaning against the door jamb and holding a glass of water. “Thought you might need it.”

Neil was furious. He was beyond pissed and as soon as he was done puking he was going to _murder_ Kai. Who the fuck did he think he was? Neil knew he had this weird need to be liked by everyone on the team and that he was friendly to a fault, but what in the fuck made him think it was okay to get in the same bed as Neil?

Neil flushed the toilet and took the glass of water Kai had set on the floor next to Neil’s leg. He took smalls sips and crossed his fingers he could keep it down. He went to stand, and Kai came up next to him to try and steady him.

“Don’t fucking touch me,” Neil snapped.

“Woah, hey, calm down. I’m just trying to help.”

“Why the _fuck_ would you get into the bed with me? What the fuck is wrong with you? Don’t you ever touch me again without my permission, do you understand? Because I swear to god I will tear your head off and feed it to your ass if you ever make that mistake again.”

Kai went pale. He stepped back from Neil.

“I just…I didn’t think…”

“No, you didn’t think,” Neil said. Andrew would flip his shit if this got back to him. _Fuck. “_ Andrew,” Neil moaned.

Kai looked confused. “Minyard? What about him?” Kai, like most of the underclassmen, had not figured out the nature of Neil’s relationship with Andrew.

“I need to call him. Where’s my phone?” Neil was suddenly panicked. Andrew was probably worried since he hadn’t heard from Neil.

“It’s in the bed. Someone called last night after you passed out. I don’t know who it was, I didn’t look before I answered and I just told them you were in the bed and too worn out to talk.”

Neil choked. He ran back to the bathroom so he could puke again. “GET ME MY FUCKING PHONE!” he yelled when he was done. Kai came into the bathroom a minute later, setting his phone down just out of arms reach and scuttled away, clearly terrified. Neil couldn’t even believe this was happening. Worn out in the bed? Another guy answering his phone? Jesus Christ. But there was no way Andrew would think Neil was cheating. He couldn’t, could he? He knew. He _knew_ that he was the only person Neil had _ever_ felt that way about. That wasn’t going to change now.

He turned on his phone and waited for it to power up, impatiently jiggling one leg. As soon as it came up, he saw that he had a text message. It was from Andrew.

_‘You must have some story. I can’t wait to hear what possible explanation you could have for this.’_

“Fuck, fuck, FUCK.”

Neil looked at the time. It was three in the morning. He struggled between calling Andrew and waking him up and waiting till morning. He didn’t want to wait. He wanted to call Andrew right now and explain that it was all a big mistake, all a misunderstanding. But he didn’t want to wake him up. He was probably exhausted after his game. And Neil knew he was in a room with someone else, and he didn’t want to try and force Andrew into a conversation with someone else nearby. He dropped his phone on the table and dropped his head into his hands. He would wait until morning. It was the obvious choice.

He stood up and made his way back into the bedroom. Kai was already in his bed. Neil had no idea if he was sleeping or not, but he didn’t want to deal with him right now. He laid down in his bed and got under the blanket and fully expected to be awake worrying all night.

But he was still slightly drunk, and he was asleep in minutes.

****

Andrew woke the next morning and immediately checked his phone. Nothing from Neil. He tried to call him even though it was six in the morning, and if Neil had been drunk there was no way he’d be up yet. No answer. Andrew tried to push down his anger and sent Neil a text.

_‘Don’t bother calling me today. I’ll call you when I’m back in Denver.’_

It may have sounded petty, but he had to get up for coffee with Kevin and then he had to get ready for the airport and then he’d be traveling. He wanted to actually _have_ this conversation, not an abridged version between flights. He put his phone down and heaved himself out of bed to shower. He’d fallen asleep reading and somehow managed to fall asleep half on his pillow and half on his book.

He slid the bookmark he’d been using out of the back of the book and went to put it in to hold his spot, when he stopped. It was the letter Nicky had written him when he was in the hospital after his fall. He thought about opening it now and reading it, but he didn’t. He would never admit it to Nicky, but he kept this letter close to remind himself of what else was out there. The other relationships he had to hold on to. Bee said it was important to remember that the world didn’t start and stop with him and Neil. He knew that was true. But his world would always revolve around Neil. That’s just how it was. But this letter was a good reminder that there were other people out there who cared enough to check in on him from time to time. Would care if he died.

He placed the letter in the book, tossed it on the night stand, and grabbed his clothes for a shower. He took a long one and tried not to think about the guy that had answered Neil’s phone last night. He tried and he failed.

When he was showered and dressed, he made his way back into his room to grab what he needed to go meet Kevin for coffee. They were meeting in the hotel lobby so Andrew wouldn’t have to go out into the city.

Johnson was sitting on his bed with Andrew’s book in his hands. Andrew froze.

“Is this any good? I’ve been meaning to pick it up,” he said, still staring at the book.

Andrew walked over and snatched it out of his hands. “It’s terrible, don’t bother. Don’t touch my shit again, or you’ll be working with less fingers than normal,” Andrew told him calmly. It was a shame he couldn’t bring his knives on trips like these, since he couldn’t get through security with them. He’d tried wearing them less when he got to Denver, but lately he’d felt like he needed the extra security for some reason.

Andrew grabbed the room key and shoved his cell phone in his pocket and made his way downstairs. Kevin was already waiting for him, of course. He was wearing a Seattle Black Bears baseball cap and trying his hardest to look inconspicuous. Andrew thought about pointing out that they were the only idiots up this early on a Saturday morning, but he didn’t bother.

He ordered a mocha frap with extra whipped cream and slid into the chair across from Kevin.

“Really? It’s seven in the morning,” Kevin said, exasperated.

“I have not missed your condescension, Kevin,” Andrew sighed. “Why did you want to meet?”

Kevin shrugged. “Just to talk, I guess. To keep in touch. Just because college is over doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends.”

Andrew narrowed his eyes at Kevin. “We were never friends, Kevin. We had a mutual agreement and then we were teammates. Occasionally we would drink together.”

“That’s a friendship, asshole. How is Denver?”

“Fine. Too clean. Too healthy. Smells like weed.”

Kevin laughed. “Seattle is exactly the same. How’s Neil? He doing okay with the captaincy and his senior year?”

Andrew didn’t want to talk about Neil. Didn’t want to think about Neil, right then. “He’s fine. How’s Jeremy Knox? You guys fuck yet?”

Kevin choked on his coffee and it sprayed across the table. Andrew leveled him with a disgusted look before wiping off the table in front of him.

“Jesus, Andrew. No, we haven’t fucked. What the hell is wrong with you? Why would you even think that, anyway?”

“Spare me, Kevin. I know you two were hanging out this summer and your fanboy crush through college was pathetic. Either you’re fucking or it’s unrequited love and I’m not in the mood for that story.”

Kevin rolled his eyes. “Are you ever in a mood that isn’t ‘unfiltered asshole’? Because it sure doesn’t seem like it.”

Andrew shrugged. “I have my moments.”

“Fine. No, we aren’t fucking. We’re…talking. He’s another professional to bounce ideas off of and to get advice from. He gets it. He and Jean were together before Jean went back to France to play professionally there, so he gets what the Nest mentality was like and why I’m…like I am.” Kevin held his coffee in both hands and stared down at the lid. “I don’t know if it’ll go anywhere else. But I’m happy just being able to talk to him for now.”

Andrew put Kevin’s melodrama aside for a moment. “Jean went back to France? And the Moriyama’s let him?”

Kevin shrugged. “He said Ichirou doesn’t care where he plays as long as they still get paid their 80%. He got permission before he left, but all they needed to know was what his salary was going to be in comparison to his US team and his bank account numbers. They didn’t even want his location information. Said they could track him down regardless, so they weren’t concerned. Kengo would’ve probably never allowed it, but he also probably would’ve never made the deal with us in the first place.”

“Good for Frenchie, I guess,” Andrew said, taking a sip of his coffee.

“I’m glad,” Kevin said. “He missed his sister and he missed France. I hope he’s happy.”

Andrew snorted. “Alright, then. How’s daddy dearest?”

“If you mean Coach Wymack, he’s…fine.”

“Who else would I mean? Unless you’ve started calling Jeremy daddy?”

Kevin threw a napkin at Andrew.

“Hey, I’m not here to shame anyone’s kink, Kevin. I’m just clarifying,” Andrew said, holding his hands up against another napkin attack. “And why the hesitation before ‘fine’?”

Kevin played with his cup and stared down at the table. Then he seemed to shake himself just a bit and shrugged. “No reason. He’s fine, I just think he works himself too hard. He’s not as young as he used to be. I keep telling him he needs an assistant coach, but he doesn’t want to risk hiring someone the team doesn’t trust or that would betray their trust somehow if they _did_ manage to trust them.

“He doesn’t need an assistant coach. The team this year is almost as small as it was Neil’s first year. He’s fine. He’s handled worse.”

“That’s true,” Kevin nods. “He handled you, I suppose.”

“No one can handle me Kevin. I’m going to get packed. Make sure the paparazzi get your good side this time. You looked a little plump in the last set of pictures they snapped.”

Kevin flicked him off and stood to leave. As Andrew made his way to the elevators, he pulled out his phone to find a text from Neil.

_‘I’m sorry. I can explain everything. Please call me as soon as you can.’_

Andrew put his phone away and tried to push Neil out of his mind as he went to pack.

****

Neil had not moved from his bed. He’d fallen asleep and missed Andrew’s call and he was so pissed at himself. That was his one opportunity to talk to Andrew before tonight. Now he’d have to wait hours. He’d have to pace and worry and go over his story over and over and over in his mind to make sure he wasn’t leaving out any important details. He’d pulled Kai aside when he was finally feeling steady enough and reamed him within an inch of his life.

“I swear to you, Neil. I swear I didn’t have anything sexual in mind. I just really wanted to take care of you. You were in a bad spot and the only reason I got in the bed with you was because I was afraid you’d puke and choke on it or something. I shouldn’t have answered your phone, but I thought it was mine when it rang and I picked it up without thinking. Was it your boyfriend or something?”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” Neil said through gritted teeth. “He’s my partner. If you’ve fucked up this relationship you’re going to have a very bad year,” Neil promised.

Kai just swallowed hard and nodded. Neil paced. He paced some more. It was ten in the morning Palmetto time, which meant it was eight in the morning Denver time, which meant it was 7 in the morning Seattle time. Andrew was probably having coffee with Kevin. He paced and wrung his hands some more before finally decided to text Andrew back. He wouldn’t call him, since Andrew asked him not to. But just a text to let Andrew know Neil knew exactly how this looked.

Once that was done and Neil paced a little more, he finally said to hell with it. He booted up his laptop and started pulling clothes out of drawers.

****

Andrew’s flight was delayed twice on the way back from Seattle. It was miserable. He kept checking his phone to see if Neil had tried to call or text, but Andrew knew realistically he wouldn’t. He always respected Andrew’s need for space, and right now Neil knew Andrew needed space.

By the time he finally made it back to Denver and back to the stadium and back to his apartment, he was empty. He felt drained and numb and he didn’t want to talk to Neil. He didn’t want to hear him try to stutter out an explanation for something that was fucked up no matter what the excuse. He couldn’t deal with it tonight. The game, Kevin, the flight. They had all cost him just a little bit, and now he was ready to just forget the world.

He dropped his bags and stuck his key in the door, unlocking it and letting it swing open. He was bending down to pick his bags back up when he caught sight of someone standing in the middle of the living room. He was startled enough to try and pull a knife, but let his shoulders drop when he realized it was Neil, standing there, hands clasped in font of him and eyes wide and pleading.

Andrew sighed. He didn’t want to deal with this. Yesterday he would’ve said he was desperate for this. For Neil to be here, waiting for him to get home. But now he was only tired, and now he didn’t think he could handle this conversation.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, picking up his bags and walking into the room. He stepped around Neil to get to the bedroom.

“I wanted to talk to you face to face. To explain what happened. I know you’re probably pissed and I don’t blame you, but you have to let me-“

“I don’t have to let you do anything. You should have told me you were coming here. I can’t deal with this right now, Neil. I’m exhausted, and I just want to sleep. I just…I can’t deal with this.”

Neil’s face shut down. He tried to hide it, but Andrew could see the disappointment creeping in. The tightness in his mouth and the worry in his eyes.

“Fine. Then we won’t deal with it right now. Go to bed. I’ll sleep on the couch. We’ll figure it out in the morning. My plane leaves tomorrow night so I can make it back to campus for Monday classes and practice. If you want me gone in the morning, I’ll go.”

Andrew didn’t say anything. He stared at Neil for a few beats and turned around when it was too much. It was started to break through the numbness and he didn’t want to feel anything right now. He walked into the bedroom and shut the door. He didn’t come back out the rest of the night.

****

Neil laid on the couch and did not sleep at all. He stared around Andrew’s apartment. At the mug on the table and the paper towel holder Neil had picked out and the stolen sweatshirt Neil was sure Andrew had snatched draped over the back of a chair. He did not regret coming yet. That would come later, if Andrew refused to talk to him. Right now, he just kept going over it again and again in his mind. The way Andrew looked so defeated when he got home. So worn down.

Neil wanted to take care of him with a desperation he couldn’t remember ever feeling.

He watched time tick by on the clock on his cell phone. He counted minutes and hoped Andrew was sleeping. Knowing he probably wasn’t. When the clock finally said eight, Neil got up and made some coffee. Andrew emerged a few minutes later, looking like he had slept about as much as Neil.

Neil poured him a cup and added cream and sugar the way he knew Andrew liked it and handed the cup over. Andrew took it and took a sip before heading out to the balcony. Neil followed.

They sat in the chairs they had sat in when Neil was helping Andrew move in. When Andrew had grabbed the back of Neil’s neck to shotgun cigarette smoke into Neil’s mouth and Neil had told him they were forever.

“Talk,” Andrew said.

“I fucked up,” Neil started. He didn’t even mean to say it, but it was the truth.

“This sounds promising,” Andrew said, sounding deceptively bored. He was on edge. Neil could see it.

“It was a mistake. I was watching your game in the girl’s dorm with the rest of the team. They had this punch stuff and I was just so into the game and watching you, I didn’t realize how much I had been drinking. Trysten kept refilling my cup and I kept drinking and I just…I didn’t even realize. By the time the game was over, I could hardly make it back to the dorm. Kai grabbed me and helped me back and I passed out as soon as I was in the bed. I woke up with him in the bed next to me. I swear to you, nothing happened. I told him if he ever touched me again, he’d regret it…in so many words.”

Andrew was quietly sipping his coffee. He looked at Neil and Neil looked back, not wanted to break the contact. “How would you know if anything happened, if you were passed out?” Andrew asked.

“I..” Neil stuttered. How _would_ he know? He was sure it didn’t, but could he say that with absolute certainty. “I guess I wouldn’t know for sure. But I think Kai was telling the truth. We were both fully clothed. I didn’t feel…it didn’t feel like anything happened.”

“You know,” Andrew said quietly. “I’m not even mad about you waking up in bed with someone else. I trust you. I know you’re not going to suddenly develop deep enough feelings for this guy that you become sexually attracted to him. I’m mad that you put yourself in a position where you were so god damn vulnerable, Neil. You say you trust Kai, but what if it was someone else? What if you had been at a bar watching the game and it was another guy who found you and took you home? You could’ve been hurt. You could’ve been raped. You could’ve been _killed_.”

Andrew’s voice broke, just a little on the last bit.  He sighed and tried to rub the sleep from his eyes. He still looked exhausted, Neil thought. He reached out a tentative hand and took Andrew’s from his face. Andrew didn’t pull away, so Neil laced their fingers together.

“I’m sorry,” Neil said softly. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you worry. You’re right, I was stupid. I should’ve known better. I should’ve at least let you know what I was doing so you didn’t worry. It won’t happen again, Andrew.”

Andrew squeezed his hand and loosed a breath. “Come on,” he said to Neil, standing and pulling Neil along with him. “Let’s go back to bed. I’m exhausted.”

So, they did.

****

Sometime later, Andrew found himself in the bed with Neil, naked and settled for the first time in weeks. They took a nap where they both actually slept a deep sleep and woke up with soft kisses and slow hand jobs. They were too tired for anything else, and there was something so lazily domestic about it all. Andrew felt whole again.

He wrapped an arm around Neil’s waist and pulled him closer to his chest, so they were flush against each other. He buried his head in the back of Neil’s neck and closed his eyes again.

“I have a flight to catch in a few hours, you know,” Neil said, not making a move to get out of Andrew’s hold.

“Hmmm,” Andrew hummed. “Enough time for another nap.”

“We should probably eat, though?”

“Can’t. Too much work.”

Neil laughed, and Andrew felt the vibration of it in his chest. He kissed Neil on the back of the neck.

“Hey,” Neil said quietly. Something in his voice made Andrew lift his head, just a little. “Are we really okay?”

Andrew laid his head back down. “Yes.”

A few minutes later, Neil turned around to face Andrew. “What are you thinking right now?”

“I’m thinking about how much I hate you,” Andrew responded with a sigh.

Neil let out a delighted laugh. “You say the sweetest things. Say more words.”

“I hate your laugh and how it makes my stomach feel every time I hear it. Like I’m on a fucking roller coaster.”

“Hmmmm,” Neil hummed. “What else?”

“I hate your eyes and how fucking blue they are. Whose eyes are that blue? They’re like ice. And don’t even get me started on when the sun catches them. Jesus Christ it’s annoying.”

Neil nods agreeably. “Sounds terrible. Say more things to me.”

“I hate your smile when you think no one is looking. I hate your hands and how long your fingers are and how they move. I hate that smart mouth of yours, and how my heart has to work overtime every time something slick comes out of it. My blood pressure is probably shit. I hate the sounds you make when I’m fucking you, because I have to get control of myself every single time before I come too soon and ruin it. I hate the face you make when you come, like you’re surprised. Like you can’t believe this is happening, every single time. I hate how I still can’t believe this is happening.”

Andrew stopped. He could go on all day if Neil would let him. He meant it every single time he told Neil he hated him.

Neil placed a hand on Andrew’s chest and pushed him gently until he was on his back and Neil was propped up on an elbow, hovering over him.

“So, what you’re saying is,” Neil started slowly, eyes locked on Andrew’s and Andrew’s stomach was doing the rollercoaster thing, “You hate how much you love me.”

“Yes.”

Neil smiled.

“I hate that you’re the only person I feel out of control with sometimes. I can’t pretend with you, and it’s unsettling.”

Neil shrugged. “Sorry. Just the way it is I guess. Part of my charm. I seem to bring out the worst in people.”

Andrew placed one of his broad hands over Neil’s smaller one on his chest. He was scared. If he had to place a name to this emotion, it was fear. He was afraid of Neil. He was afraid of losing him with another fit like he threw yesterday, and he was afraid of keeping him. Of what it might do to Neil in the long run, to be with someone like Andrew. Someone who could feel so numb sometimes and someone who didn’t even know when he woke up if it would be a good day or if it would be a day the waves would drag him under.

“What if I ruin your life?” he whispered to Neil. Neil leaned down and kissed him.

“Ruin it. It’s yours anyway.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!  
> Come say hi to me on [tumblr!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/jtmann182)


	7. Fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil and Andrew both get bad news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to [BloodyDamnit](https://bloodydamnit.tumblr.com/) and [fuckyeahdisreputablekibeth](https://fuckyeahdisreputablekibeth.tumblr.com/) who wanted me to murder Kai immediately, and [seabearthirteen](https://www.tumblr.com/dashboard/blog/seabearthirteen) who is the only one who could see reason. :DDDD

“Merkel Cell Carcinoma.”

Neil stared blankly at Coach Wymack. He’d been called into Coach’s office after morning practice and was just about to leave for his first class when Wymack held him back. And now he was saying words but they didn’t make sense to Neil. He didn’t understand.

“What?”

“It’s called Merkel Cell Carcinoma,” Wymack said again, gesturing to that spot on his face that had been there since summer but Neil not given very much thought to. “I had the biopsy done right before the semester started and the test confirmed it. I’ve been putting off having the surgery to remove it, but if I put it off any longer Abby will kick my ass.”

Abby was standing behind Wymack with one hand on his shoulder. She squeezed it and said, “Glad you’ve come to see reason.”

Neil didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what to do. He still couldn’t make sense of what Wymack was saying.

“So, cancer? This is cancer?”

“Yes.”

 “You’ve known about this since the summer? And you’re just now telling me?”

“I didn’t want everyone to make a fuss over it. We caught it early which is good. I just have to go in and have it removed. They’ll have to do some testing after that to make sure it hasn’t spread, but the doctor seems confident that I’ll be fine since, like I said, we caught it early. The only reason I’m telling you now is because I’m going to have to miss some practices and maybe even a game. I’m not sure yet. I’m going to have to get a temp Coach in here. The University isn’t going to let you practice on your own.”

“So you’ve known about this since the summer?” Neil repeated. Because his brain was catching up with what was happening, and he was starting to panic. “You’ve known about this since the summer. And you didn’t tell me.” Neil stopped and looked up at the Excellence in Coaching award Wymack won last year. He thought about Kevin giving that speech about how he was a Dad to all the strays. He thought about Nathaniel Wesninski breaking him apart piece by piece from the time he was a small child and he thought about David Wymack holding him together. About lying in the kitchen floor of Wymack’s apartment with him holding on to Neil and saying _“Hey. Hey. It’s alright.”_

But Neil remembered. He remembered lying in the floor with Wymack wrapped around him and thinking, _‘It’s never been alright’._

Neil stood up, grabbed his backpack, and left Wymack’s office before he could say anything else.

_Help me._

****

 It started right after their game against Seattle. They’d had two more games since then and they’d won both, and Andrew shut out the goal while he was in it in the last game. So he didn’t understand why he felt like everyone was staring. It made his skin crawl. Johnson was as hostile as ever, so that felt normal at least. But even Maxwell, who had been a cheerful shadow to Andrew was markedly less cheerful. He had no idea what he’d done and the Andrew _‘fuck you’_ Minyard part of him really want to not give a fuck, but his need to figure shit out was overriding his need for apathy.

“Hey, Minyard,” Johnson called to him as they were dressing out for practice. “How’s Josten?”

Andrew froze where he was getting his gear out of his locker. What the fuck? So many possibilities ran through his mind. Had something happened to Neil and Johnson just knows they were teammates? Did he somehow see the picture from Grand Central? Did someone talk to the press about them? He got his mind together as quickly as he could before responding.

“What the fuck are you talking about, Johnson? Spare us all your ridiculous need to hear yourself spout bullshit,” Andrew said, in the most unconcerned voice he could muster. Johnson just smiled a smile that Andrew knew meant that Johnson knew. Andrew had no idea _how_ he knew, but he knew.

Johnson turned and headed for the court and Andrew continued dressing out, feeling twenty something pairs of eyes on him the entire time. He ignored it and headed to the court, ready to physically work the tension out.

Practice was thankfully normal. If there was one thing Andrew could say for playing on a professional team, it was that they didn’t let petty bullshit get in the way of training. The Foxes would’ve been a mess at this point. And frankly, Andrew would’ve been standing in goal smashing balls into his teammates helmets. But he couldn’t with this team. The strikers hit the ball at him so hard and fast, he didn’t have time to aim properly. Which was a shame really. Johnson could use a few balls to the head.

Before practice was over, one of the coaches called Andrew off the court.

“Christina just got here. She wants to see you now,” Coach Anders said. He was the head Coach and he was a dick but he was good at his job. He was eyeing Andrew now with something like trepidation. Did he know, too?

“We’re in the middle of practice,” Andrew started to protest.

“ _Go_.”

So, Andrew went. He made his way to the locker room and quickly showered and changed out before heading to Christina’s office. His meetings with her were rarely good news. Sometimes it was about an endorsement deal or an interview, but more often that not it was a problem or a reminder.

He walked in to her office to find her sitting behind her desk, with a look of concern on her face that made Andrew’s stomach drop. Something was very, very wrong.

“Sit, _precioso_ ,” she said, softer than Andrew had ever heard her.

Andrew sat. She didn’t say anything for a few minutes so he huffed a breath and started for her.

“Johnson knows. About Neil. I don’t know how but he does.”

“That’s not the only thing he knows, Minyard.” When Andrew just looked at her she continued. “We knew about your accident and your injury, because we had to make sure you were recuperated and able to play. You almost lost your contract due to that, you know.”

Andrew gripped the arms of the chair he was sitting in. And that’s when he realized. That’s when he put it all together.

The letter.

Nicky’s fucking letter that he was using as a bookmark. Johnson holding the book when Andrew was done in the shower. That letter said everything. It said his fall wasn’t an accident and that Nicky was glad he had Neil. How could he be so _stupid_?

“When I first met with you, I told you I needed full disclosure. I told you I needed to know everything. This is part of everything,” Andrew wanted to be mad. He wanted to tell her to shut the fuck up and leave this office. He wanted to tell her he didn’t need her pity. But she wasn’t looking at him with pity. She was looking at him with a sort of grim determination to get to the bottom of it and get it handled.

“Who else knows?” he asked. Because suddenly the stares were making more sense.

“Everyone. I don’t know who you told or who found out and leaked it to the team, but the entire team knows, and it made its way back to the coaches. They wanted a meeting with you and the entire coaching staff and management and everyone. I told them to let me handle it first.”

“So, they know about Neil.”

“Yes.”

“They know that I tried to kill myself.”

“Yes,” Christina answered again, this time in barely more than a whisper.

“It was Johnson, you know,” Andrew said, in as even and bored a tone as he could muster. “He found a letter I had with me during the game in Seattle. He must have read it and told everyone else. It’s out now. There’s nothing I can do. Am I going to get kicked off the team or what?” Andrew crossed his arms over his chest and made sure his carefully controlled mask was in place. His heart was pounding and the beginnings of panic were trying to break through, but he pushed it down, down, down where it couldn’t get to him and looked directly at Christina.

“No, you’re not being kicked off the team. No one cares that you’re with Josten. Management thinks we still need to keep it quiet for as long as possible, but it’s not an issue that’s going to get you kicked off. The suicide attempt is another matter. You’re a liability now. Everyone involved in this team takes the health of the players seriously, so they’re concerned that it’s going to be too much stress for you. Too much for you to handle. What if you break again? What if you have to drop in the middle of the season?”

“That’s not going to happen,” Andrew said through gritted teeth.

“I know that. That’s what I told them. I don’t know your past and I don’t know what happened that made you decide that was the only way out, but I don’t see that when I look at you now. We all have shit, Minyard. Every single one of us. Did you seek help after?”

“Yes.”

“Are you still seeing someone currently? A therapist?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Give them my number. Management and medical want to confirm that you’re getting continuous counseling and they want a recommendation from your therapist that you’re fine to play. After that, everything progresses like normal.”

“Like normal?” Andrew wanted to laugh. “You think it’s going to be normal after this? How do I know no one on this team is going to talk? Even if they don’t talk to the press, they talk to their spouses, their friends, their neighbors. It’s going to get out one way or another.”

“Well, while you’re here in my stunning company, the rest of the team is in a meeting regarding respecting their teammates choices and privacy and our confidentiality policy. Johnson has already been on thin ice this year, I’m sure management will love to hear that he’s the one that started this shit.”

“They won’t do anything. He’s the best striker we have. He’ll get a reprimand and then he’ll be free to do whatever the fuck he wants.”

“He won’t,” Christina insisted, and she looked insulted at the idea. “Forget about Johnson. Get me in contact with your therapist and this will blow over. But listen to me. Hey,” Christina waved a hand to make Andrew look up at her.

“We’re going to handle this, okay? I’ve dealt with issues a hundred times worse than this. Josten is fine, you are fine, this is going to be fine. The most important thing is that you feel safe here and you feel like your mental health is being taken care of.”

She sighed when Andrew didn’t say anything.

“Okay?” she asked.

“Okay,” Andrew said. “I won’t be at practice tomorrow. I’ll be back Monday. Bee will be in touch with you.”

Andrew stood and left the room before she could say anything else. He had to pass the room where the team meeting was being held and through the cracked door he heard one of the Coaches say, _‘If we ever find out any of you are talking to the press…’_

Why did Andrew think this would work? Why did he think he could get away with this? With having a normal life where he went to a job everyday and he did it well and that’s all anyone cared about? It was never going to work for him because he was not normal. Now everyone knew he’d tried to kill himself and now everyone was going to look at him like he was a ticking time bomb.

He suddenly wished he had arm bands to hide this entire situation. He rubbed at his arms and felt the missing weight of his knives. He didn’t wear these bands to cover his scars because he was embarrassed. He did what he had to do to survive an impossible situation, and he wasn’t ashamed of that. He hid them because he couldn’t stand anyone looking at him with pity. Like he was a sob story to be clucked over and fixed. He wasn’t. But no one would see that now. This entire team would look at him like he was insane and maybe he was insane. Throwing himself off a building? It seems ridiculous in hindsight right now because he hadn’t let himself remember how it felt. He hadn’t let himself slip down that hole of darkness.

But now? Now seemed like a really good time to go to his apartment and let himself remember because maybe the pain was what he deserved after all. It was all he was ever going to be remembered for.

****

Neil tried to call Andrew. He needed Andrew’s voice. Andrew did not answer. Andrew was in practice, Neil knew. He should stop trying to bother him with this right now. He was at the top of his game. The last two Denver played had been incredible. Andrew’s saves were breathtaking to watch. You always think there’s no way he can do it, and then right at the last second, he does it. It made Neil’s stomach swoop every time.

So, this was not the time. It was not the time to call Andrew and lay this on him. He wasn’t sure how Andrew would react to the news, but it had to be better than how Neil was handling it. He wasn’t even sure why he was so shaken. Wymack said he’d be fine. He said they caught it early. He was only going to miss a couple of practices, that’s all. Neil wondered if Kevin knew.

And then he realized, Kevin absolutely knew. That’s why he was so weird at the beach house, asking Neil to take it easy on Wymack this year. That piece of shit _knew_ and didn’t think it might be nice to clue Neil in. Did everyone think he was weak? Did no one think he could handle it? He pulled out his phone and called Kevin, not caring that he was probably in the middle of practice just like Andrew.

_“Neil?”_ Kevin answered. _“Is everything okay?”_

Neil saw red. He was worried Neil was calling about Wymack.

“Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

Kevin sighed into the phone. _“I’m guessing Wymack shared the news.”_

“Yeah, Kevin. He shared the fucking news. Finally. Right before he’s about to go in for surgery. What the fuck, Kevin? You didn’t think this was something I needed to know? Something I needed to prepare for? I’m the captain of this team and I’m going to have to be the one that keeps everyone together.”

_“Is that really why you’re mad?”_ Kevin asked skeptically.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

_“Nothing. Listen, I didn’t tell you because he told me not to. I’m sorry you’re just now finding out, but that was his choice and I wasn’t about to take that away from him. He should’ve had that surgery weeks ago, but he didn’t and you know why, Neil? Because he was more worried about you and the team than he was about himself. It took Abby and I ganging up on him to finally convince him to schedule the damn surgery, so excuse me for not taking your fragile feelings into consideration. Go fuck yourself, Josten.”_

He hung up. Neil stared at the phone, stunned. Kevin had completely missed the point, that’s all.

Neil skipped his afternoon classes. He didn’t care that it was October and he was already behind. He didn’t care that he was missing a test review. He went to his dorm and he changed his clothes and he ran until he couldn’t feel his feet.

****

Andrew stared at his phone as it lit up with Neil’s name and the picture of Neil outside on the balcony.

_You don’t deserve this._

Andrew buried his head deeper in his pillow to try and block it out. He didn’t want to hear this again. It wasn’t true. He knew it wasn’t true and his mind was eating itself again. This one thing happened, and he was letting it consume him. He picked up the phone when it stopped ringing, but he didn’t call Neil back.

_“Andrew?”_ Bee answered. _“It’s always nice to hear from you, but is everything okay? Did I forget a session?”_

“No, Bee. You’d never forget a session.” Andrew felt calmer just hearing her voice. He tried to explain in as few words as he could muster. “The team knows I tried to kill myself and they want you to tell them I’m not going to try and kill myself again.”

Bee was quiet for a few seconds as she let that sink in. _“I see. Did you decide to share this with your teammates?”_

Andrew snorted. “Hardly. Johnson found the letter Nicky wrote me and decided to share with the class. They all know about Neil, too.”

_“Send me the contact information of the person I need to talk to and I’ll call them today. Have you spoken to Neil?”_

“No. I don’t want to tell him this. I can’t right now,” Andrew suddenly felt very tired. His body was heavy.

_“Andrew, I want you to listen to me very closely, okay? I assume you’re not at training today?”_

“No. I told them I’d be back Monday.”

_“You need to get out of your apartment, okay? Do not sit in that room by yourself the entire weekend. You need to shower and you need to eat, do you understand? It would be really easy to slip into a depressive state with this situation, but I need you to remember that nothing that’s happened in your past is anything for you to hide from or be ashamed of. Call Nicky or Aaron if you don’t think you can talk to Neil right now. I’m going to take care of this on my end, and the team will take care of it on their end.”_

Andrew didn’t respond. He didn’t know what to say. He was very close to spiraling, he knew. The storm was here and the waves were getting higher and higher and he was going to let it consume him.

_“Andrew?”_

“Okay,” he said. Because there was nothing else to say.

_“I’m going to call you again tonight once I’ve talked to the team and I have more news.”_

“Okay.”

_“Call me if you need me before then.”_

“Goodbye, Bee.”

Andrew hung up and rolled over in the bed, pulling the blanket tighter against himself.

He woke up sometime later and squinted at the sun coming through his blinds. It was still early afternoon. He checked his phone and didn’t have any missed calls. No word on anything. Neil had not tried to call again. Andrew was suddenly very annoyed with Neil for taking his xacto knife. Not that he would use it. He absolutely would not use it. But he wanted to feel it in his hand right now. The knives he kept in his armbands weren’t the same. They were for fighting and stabbing. But the xacto knife was for precision.

He thought about making a trip to pick up another one, but in the end he knew it would end in another fight with Neil. And he didn’t want to fight with Neil even if he was annoyed at the moment. He wished Neil was here. He wished the two of them could go somewhere that wasn’t Palmetto or Denver and just be fucking alone with none of the bullshit to surround them. He was tired of always having to fight for everything.

So, he got up and he got dressed and he decided to make something happen instead of watching it all burn around him.

****

Evening practice was miserable. Neil was still pissed and Coach was tense. He did not tell the rest of the team and Neil wondered if he was going to bother or if he’d make Neil be the one to break the news. Every time he looked at Wymack, something in his chest hurt just a little. So he tried not to look at Wymack and he tried to concentrate on practice.

“Kai, quit fucking talking to the strikers and block them from the goal!” Neil yelled. Ever since the incident with Neil waking up with Kai next to him in bed, Kai had steered clear and Neil had lost all tolerance for his bullshit. He wanted to tell Kai he was lucky Andrew hadn’t seen fit to fly here and take care of the situation himself, but he imagined that wouldn’t be helpful.

Kai didn’t respond. But he started putting more effort into blocking the goal and that was all Neil needed. He just wanted everyone to do what they were supposed to fucking do. He wanted Jack so stop flirting with Sheena. He wanted Wymack to stop assuming he knew what was best for Neil. He wanted Andrew to answer his god damn phone.

Practice ran late that night because Neil made them all work death drills again, even though they’d done them at the beginning of practice. They had their game against Edgar Allen next week and Neil would be damned if he would lose to them. It didn’t matter that Riko wasn’t there and that they had new coaches. They were still the Ravens and they were still enemy number one.

Once Neil finally called it quits and let everyone shower, Coach pulled him aside.

“Are we going to have a problem, Josten? I said it before, but I’ll say it again. This is not going to affect the team. I already have someone lined up to come in and help out while I’m out. This isn’t going to affect our chances for championships this year, got it? I need you to get your head out of your ass and stop pouting like an infant.”

_‘Is that really why you’re mad?’_

Neil did not say anything, but turned around and made his way to the showers.

***

Half an hour later, after everyone else was already gone, Neil finally made his way out of the stadium. He saw immediately. Someone was there leaning on his car. Someone with blonde hair and black boots and a leather jacket. Neil dropped his bag and Andrew met him halfway.

Neil did not care that they were in the parking lot. He did not care that anyone could walk by. All he cared about was that everything was so fucked up and Andrew was here and he smelled like the cigarettes he shouldn’t have been smoking and cold autumn air and Andrew. Neil wrapped his arms around Andrew’s neck and barely managed to keep it together long enough to ask, “What are you doing here?”

“I needed to see you.”

Neil pulled back to look Andrew in the face. Something was wrong. He was too quiet and too still and his eyes were too blank right now. Something happened.

“What is it? What’s going on? Are you okay?”

“I want to go somewhere. I need to get out. Away. Let’s go to Atlanta for the weekend. We’ll get a hotel room,” Andrew was saying all of this very quickly and Neil struggled to keep up. Too much had happened today and he wanted nothing more than to unload on Andrew and tell him everything. But he couldn’t. Not when Andrew was like this.

“Okay. Just let me pack a bag, okay? We can leave tonight.”

“What about your classes tomorrow? Practice?”

“It’s fine, I don’t have anything important tomorrow,” Neil said. It was a lie. He had a test tomorrow and a lab, but he didn’t care right now. The team could survive without him for one practice.

He tugged Andrew toward his car and they made their way back to Fox Tower. He tried to get Andrew to come up with him, but Andrew just shook his head and slumped further down into his seat. So Neil shut the door and made his way upstairs to pack as quickly as he could.

****

Andrew felt like such an asshole. He hopped on a plane and flew all the way to Palmetto and took an Uber to the stadium so he could interrupt Neil’s life. So he could make sure Neil would drop every single thing he had going  on to tend to Andrew and his bullshit, once again. Andrew sighed and stared out the window. And saw someone he’d been meaning to have a chat with.

Kai Fletcher was moderately sized. Maybe 5’6 or 5’7 Andrew thought, and he was annoyed to see a very nice looking face. His hair was black and curly and it fell in his eyes like it was completely by accident, but Andrew knew it was not. It probably took him an hour to get it to look like that.

Andrew hated him so much it made him sick.

He opened the door to the car and got out. Kai didn’t turn around. He kept walking with whoever it was he was with and was talking too loudly. Andrew knew this was coming, but he’d been patient. He was biding his time. He wanted Kai to feel secure in thinking that this whole situation was over. Because Andrew wanted to be the one to remind him. He pulled his hood up over his head and stepped behind the two boys, talking and laughing.

“Fletcher,” Andrew said, just loud enough to be heard. Kai stopped and turned around. Squinting to try and see who was talking to him. “Got a minute?”

“Um, sure…” Kai said, nodding to his friend that it was okay. He walked to Andrew and his eyes went wide when he saw who it was.

“Andrew Minyard! Hey, man! Big fan! That last game you played against Kentucky was amazing!” He held out his hand to Andrew and Andrew looked at it before taking it and using it to twist Kai’s arm behind his back. He kicked the back of one of Kai’s knees to make him fall to the ground and used his other hand to grabbed the back of his neck to push him forward.

“What the fuck?!” Kai yelled. But no one else was around, and Andrew was suddenly feeling so much better. He leaned down until he was right next to Kai’s ear.

“Here’s the thing Fletcher,” he started slowly. “You touched one of my things, and that’s not okay with me. It makes me feel really, really stabby you see. I don’t know if you’re just an idiot like everyone says, or if you were actually trying to make a move on Neil, but let me spell this out for you. If you even think about touching him again without his consent and I get wind of it, it’s going to be a problem. I’ll have to come all the way back here and do more than have a nice chat with you, and that’s just really not convenient for my schedule. Are we clear?” Andrew asked, pulling Kai’s arm up a little more and squeezing his neck a little tighter.

“Y-yes! It was a mistake! It won’t happen again!” Kai sputtered, close to tears.

“Good,” Andrew said cheerfully and let him go with a push. “I’m so glad we could have this chat. Always nice to meet a fan.” Andrew heard someone coming down the stairs and looked up in time to see Neil take in Kai on the ground and Andrew standing next to him. He rolled his eyes and muttered something that sounded an awful lot like _‘Jesus Christ’_ before continuing his way down the stairs.

Kai jumped up and ran into the building, avoiding Neil completely.

Neil walked towards Andrew and said, “I’m going to be pissed if you’ve damaged my backliner. I’m already down a striker this year and I’m going to fucking lose it if I end up another player down.” He said it jokingly, but Andrew narrowed his eyes. There was too much emotion behind it for Neil to be completely kidding.

“I didn’t damage him permanently,” Andrew said, all innocence. “We just had a talk. He said he was a fan. What was I supposed to do?”

“Not manhandle him?” Neil replied.

Andrew slung an arm around Neil’s neck and pulled him close for a kiss to the side of the head. “You got jokes, Josten.”

Neil rolled his eyes and they made their way to his car.

****

Road trips with Neil were Andrew’s favorite part of their time at PSU. Something about having open road stretch in front of them endlessly was soothing. They could pretend, then. That they could go anywhere and be anyone and do anything. They didn’t have the game or school or the Moriyama’s hanging over their heads when it was the two of them in the car.

It was like that now. Neil drove because Andrew refused to drive a Prius and Andrew watched Neil out of the corner of his eye. He watched his hands, one moving while he talked and one on the wheel. He watched the way the light changed his face as it got darker. He watched the way Neil watched him out of the corner of his eye when he thought Andrew wasn’t looking. But that was the problem. Andrew was always looking.

“So, are you going to tell me what happened? What made you hop on a plane and fly all the way here? Because I know I did the same thing to you last month, but I like to think my appearance was much more dramatic. Waiting in your house? Jesus, I’m the king of desperate apologies. You’ll never be able to top me.”

The corner of Andrew’s mouth tugged. He tried to stop it. He really did. But it was just so, so easy.

“Never be able to top you? You sure about that? Because I’m pretty sure-“

“Oh my god, Andrew. Not like that you pervert! Why would I even say that? I live for you topping me,” Neil said this like it was the most obvious thing in the world and Andrew’s heart and dick twitched at the same time.

“Can I give you a hand job?” he asked. Because it would distract Neil from this line of questioning and he just really want to get Neil off right now.

“What? I’ll wreck the car!”

“No, you won’t. I promise,” he said, creeping a hand onto Neil’s thigh, closer and closer to the prize. Neil didn’t say anything, just sat there biting that damn bottom lip. Andrew stopped and waited for an answer.

“Okay,” Neil said quietly. So Andrew resumed his movements and was silently glad this car was so damn small. He managed to pull Neil’s sweats down his hips just a little without Neil swerving into oncoming traffic, and he pulled his partners cock out into the open air. Neil shivered, already half hard and Andrew started to move his hand. Neil sucked in a breath and his head hit the headrest on his seat. Andrew licked his palm and moved it a little faster.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Neil moaned, as Andrew twisted his wrist just a bit.

“How much do you miss this?” Andrew asked quietly, watching Neil’s face. Andrew did not talk during sex, that was Neil’s area of expertise. But this one time he wanted to hear it. He wanted to hear Neil say it.

“So much. Fuck, Andrew. I miss it so much. Only you. It’s only ever been you,” Neil panted, and Andrew almost stopped. He lost his rhythm for a second but got it back the next. Why did Neil have to say shit like that? Shit that stabbed Andrew right through the heart and made him equal parts happy and scared and horny. He quickened his pace and Neil gasped.

“Fuck, I’m gonna come,” he said desperately, gripping the wheel and fighting to keep his eyes open and on the road. Andrew leaned forward and wrapped his lips around Neil’s head and Neil let out a loud moan before spilling into Andrew’s mouth.

“Oh my god,” he panted when he was done, and Andrew had moved back to his seat. “Oh my god, that was fantastic. Why have we never done that? All those road trips. All those wasted opportunities.”

“Ah, yes. Back when we were young and stupid. We know better now,” Andrew drawled, drinking from a water bottle and tossing it out the window when it was empty.

“How many times have I told you not to do that shit? Jesus, Andrew. Do you know how bad that is for the environment?”

“Put your dick back in your pants and drive, Neil.”

****

They drove straight through until they got to the hotel, so Neil was starving when they made it. They checked into their room and dropped their bags and Neil immediately reached for the room service menu.

“I’m getting food. What do you want?” he asked Andrew, who was trying to figure out if he could get the window open since there was no balcony.

“I’m not hungry.”

Neil looked up at him. He had been effectively distracted in the car and the hours that followed were filled with non-sense chatter about the obnoxious tux Matt wanted Neil to wear for his wedding and Andrew’s neighbors who had really loud sex at 3 in the morning and Neil’s new racquet and how the net hadn’t been properly broken in yet. But now that they were here and now that he could see Andrew fully, he remembered that Andrew had shown up out of the blue and wanted to come to Atlanta. He had practice tomorrow Neil knew, which meant he was missing it.

Neil set the menu aside and sighed. “Go take a shower.”

“I don’t need a shower. I took one before I got on the plane,” Andrew said, still trying to jimmy open the window. Neil stood up and grabbed Andrew’s arm, turning him so he could look him in the eye.

“Go take a shower. A hot one. A long one. I’m ordering room service, so it should be here when you’re done. We’ll talk after we eat because we’re _going_ to talk, and I have a feeling we both need the extra energy.”

Andrew clicked his tongue and glared at Neil, but still made his way to the bathroom. Neil picked up the phone and ordered for both of them once he heard the water running. The food arrived 20 minutes later, and Neil was just setting everything on the small desk in the room when Andrew came out of the bathroom in nothing but a lose pair of pajama pants. They were slung low on his hips and they pooled around his feet because they were too long, and Neil _wanted_ so badly in that moment. He had to force himself to look away.

“I got you a burger,” Neil said. “And cake. But you have to eat the burger first or I’ll flush the cake down the toilet. Sit.”

Andrew sat on the foot of the bed where Neil indicated, and Neil handed him his food. He made his way with his own food to the head of the bed and leaned against the headboard. They ate in silence, and when Andrew set aside his plate, so did Neil.

Neil just looked at him and waited. Andrew ran a hand through his still damp hair and sighed heavily.

“So, you remember Mark Johnson?”

“The giant douche nozzle, yes. Continue.”

“He found the letter Nicky wrote me when I was in the hospital,” Andrew said, not looking Neil in the face. Neil’s heart dropped. There was so much in that letter. About Andrew’s suicide attempt and about their relationship. Neil held his breath for whatever was coming next.

“He spread the news to the rest of the team. About me and about us. Management got wind of it and Christina pulled me into her office this morning.”

“Christina? Why Christina? I mean I know she’s PR but I would think this is something management and the coaches would want to be involved in?” Neil just knew if it was Wymack, he would want to be the one involved. He never said outright, but Neil knew he suspected about Andrew. And he did the only thing he could because he knew Andrew would never want to talk about it. He let Andrew have time and he let Neil have time to take care of Andrew.

Thinking about Wymack was making Neil more uncomfortable than he already was, so he turned his concentration back to Andrew.

“They did want to. But Christina told them to let her handle it. I think she knew I’d flip if I had to sit in a whole room of people discussing me like I’m not even really there. She said I’m a liability now. They don’t care about our relationship, but they’re worried I’m going to get stressed and try and off myself in the middle of the season or something,” Andrew stood and took his plate back over to the room service tray. Neil suspected he was just looking for something to keep his hands busy.

“But that’s bullshit. You’ve been having regular sessions with Bee and you’ve been working really hard on this. They can’t just say you’re a liability. God, what a bunch of assholes. Did they even bother to see if you were getting help? If you were okay? Instead of just treating you like a fucking commodity?”

“Yes.”

“Oh,” Neil said, surprised. “Well, yeah. They fucking _better_.”

“Christina was the one I was dealing with so I’m sure that’s why. She told me they wanted confirmation from my therapist that I’m attending sessions and that I’m fit to play,” Andrew said, taking a spot next to Neil on the bed, leaning against the headboard.

“So that’s okay then?” Neil asked, hopefully. “It’ll be okay right? Once they get that they won’t kick you off the team or anything. So you’ll get to keep playing.” Neil was relieved. Even if Andrew did get kicked off the team, Neil knew he’d be fine. He never cared about Exy anyway. But Neil didn’t want that for him. Andrew deserved to leave on his own terms.

“No, I won’t be kicked off the team. But it doesn’t change the fact that the entire team plus management plus medical now knows I threw myself off a building. What am I supposed to do with that? I don’t want their fucking pity and their sad looks. I can’t take that shit. And now they all know about us and what if it gets out? After the pictures-“

“What pictures?” Neil was confused. Pictures of what?

Andrew stopped talking and pressed his lips together. Oh shit. “Andrew, what pictures?” Neil asked again.

Andrew ran a hand through his hair again. “When we were at Grand Central, someone got a picture of us making out after the dance. It was blurry and you couldn’t really see either of our faces, but they were shopping it around.”

Neil put a hand over his mouth to stop the gasp that was threatening its way out.

“They didn’t sell it,” Andrew said quickly, seeing Neil’s face. “Christina put a stop to it and put word out neither of us was in Myrtle Beach that weekend. She already squashed it.”

“Were you ever planning on telling me this?” Neil asked, supremely annoyed.

“No.”

“What the fuck, Andrew?”

“There was no point. It wasn’t going anywhere, and you’ve got enough shit to deal with. I didn’t want you to worry about it. It’s done now. It doesn’t matter. I would’ve told you if it was something to be worried about.”

Neil closed his eyes and prayed for patience. This felt like the xacto knife argument all over again.

“Andrew, you can’t just not tell me things because you think you know what’s best for me. That’s called lying by omission and it’s still a lie.”

“It wasn’t important,” Andrew said, impatient.

“That was for me to decide!” Neil stopped and took a breath. This wasn’t the issue here. They could deal with this later. Right now Andrew was obviously in a bad spot and he was obviously feeling overwhelmed, even if he wouldn’t say it.

“Listen, all of this bullshit with the letter will blow over. I don’t care if people know about us. No,” Neil said, when Andrew started to argue. “I know you’re worried about me being drafted and endorsements, but I don’t want to have to sneak around for the rest of my life and pretend like we’re nothing but great pals. That’s bullshit. I’m not saying let’s break out a rainbow flag and jog around the block, I’m just saying if it gets out, it gets out and I’m not worried about it.”

Andrew didn’t respond. Just looked down at his hands so Neil kept going.

“And this other shit? Fuck them, Andrew. They can feel sorry for you all they want, but they can’t make you feel sorry for yourself. You’ve pulled yourself up from the gutter and you’ve fought to be where you are. You worked for this. You deserve to have this, and you deserve that spot in goal. If your teammates want to make this into an issue when it isn’t, let them deal with it themselves. You don’t owe anyone but Bee and yourself and also me because I said so, an explanation. Okay?” Neil was breathing hard and he’d worked himself into anger. Anger for Andrew and that this was even shit they had to worry about.

“Okay,” Andrew said, looking up at Neil. Neil turned his body so he was facing Andrew and put both hands on either side of Andrew’s face, so he was forced to look Neil in the eye.

“You are okay. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to feel good.”

Andrew just nodded, and Neil leaned in for a kiss.

“ _Can I make you feel good_?” he whispered against Andrew’s mouth. Andrew nodded again. Neil kissed down his neck and bit the spot that always made Andrew shiver. He kissed down his chest and gave each nipple a flick of his tongue. Andrew ran his fingers through Neil’s hair, and Neil kissed his wrist, too.

Neil slid off the bed and pulled Andrew to the edge. He got on his knees on the floor between Andrew’s thighs and pulled his pajama pants all the way off. He smelled like hotel soap and like Andrew’s special brand of musk and Neil’s brain went into immediate overdrive. He took Andrew into his mouth and he ran his hands up Andrew’s legs and he let Andrew’s soft noises be the music to his favorite song.

Andrew sat up and wrapped his arms around Neil’s head, bowing his body over Neil and panting harshly. Neil worked him slowly. He wanted to make it last. He wanted Andrew to feel what Neil was feeling right now. A special kind of tenderness he only ever felt in these moments. Neil did not feel soft and he did not feel careful. Only when he was with Andrew did he ever feel those things.

 Neil barely heard him say he was coming before he released into his mouth and Neil could feel Andrew’s tension melt. Could feel his bones go pliant and could feel his body soften. He ran fingers through Neil’s hair and rested his forehead on the top of Neil’s head.

“Thank you,” he said on a sigh.

“Always.”

****

Later that night when they were in the bed and they were close to sleep, Andrew reached out a hand and tugged on Neil’s pants.

“Tell me what’s going on with you.”

“Nothing’s going on with me,” Neil replied. Because even though everything was going on with him, he was too exhausted to talk about it and Andrew was dealing with too much to also bring up the issue of Wymack.

“Liar.”

Neil shrugged and laced his fingers with Andrew’s.

“I’m fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Narrator Voice* Neil was not fine.
> 
>  
> 
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!  
> Come say hi to me on [tumblr!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/jtmann182)


	8. Revelation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song in this chapter is Revelation by Troye Sivan and Jonsi. You can listen to it [here!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkbdUPKD8ek)

PSU lost the game against the Ravens.

They lost the game against JD.

Neil was losing hope. While they weren’t technically out of the running for Championships, he could see his goal of being drafted onto a good team, onto Andrew’s team, slowly slipping out of his grasp. He clutched his fingers tighter and squeezed his eyes shut and tried so hard to breathe. But there was no air here. In the place where he was not good enough and Wymack was sick and Andrew was a million miles away. He did not know if he could do this.

Wymack was due to have his surgery next week, and their sub coach would be introduced at practice today to meet the team. He had been suspiciously mum about who it was, but Neil suspected it was because he knew whoever it was, Neil would not approve. They would never be Wymack and they didn’t need another coach. They could do it on their own if they needed to.

Neil made his way to the lounge to wait on everyone. He was the first one there, as usual. He threw himself on one of the couches and put an arm over his eyes. He wondered what Andrew was doing. He checked his watch. Probably still running drills. Things had calmed own a bit since the whole letter fiasco, but Neil knew Andrew was still having a hard time dealing with the fact that everyone knew he’d tried to kill himself and that he and Neil were together. He was distancing himself even more than he had been from his teammates, and Neil worried. Because it’s one thing to be an introvert and a homebody, but it’s another to isolate yourself in a place where you have no friends or family.

Neil was shaken from his thoughts when he heard someone walk through the door. He sat up from his place on the couch, only to see one Danielle Wilds standing in the door way. Hands on her hips and a smirk on her face.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Neil asked, confused. Was Matt here, too?

“I’m your sub coach. Congratulations. Wymack got me on loan from the High School team I’ve been assistant coaching in Boston. Who’d you think it would be?” She made her way over to the couch and Neil moved over so she could sit next to him.

“I don’t know. Coach hadn’t really mentioned it. I haven’t talked to him much the past few weeks.” Neil scrubbed a hand over his face and tried to focus on Dan. Her grin faded.

“He’s stressed I’m sure. I assume you know everything?”

“I don’t know, Dan. Do I? No one saw fit to tell me what the fuck was going on until he was going in for surgery. Have you known for months, too? Because I just found out and apparently according to Kevin, I’m being an asshole about it.”

Dan pursed her lips together. “I just found out a couple of weeks ago when he called me to see if I’d be willing to sub. I was upset, too. Believe me. Matt had a few really bad nights of trying to keep me together. So, I get it.”

Neil knew Dan was probably closest to Coach out of all of them. Knew she saw him like a Dad.

_Is that what you’re really upset about?_

“Neil?”

Neil shook Kevin’s voice out of his head. “I’m sorry you’ve had a hard time.”

Dan waved him off. “I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m just letting you know I get how you’re feeling. Kevin was right. Coach is a Dad to all of us fuck ups and sob stories. You’re no different.”

And suddenly Neil was falling. The room tilted just a little. He put both hands flat on the couch and tried to ground himself. Because.

_Because._

No. That’s not what he was really upset about. And Dan had just forced him to recognize it. He had agreed with Kevin at the awards ceremony that Wymack was the closest thing most of them had to a Dad. It’s hard not to be when most of the team didn’t have Dads or had Dads who were colossal fuck ups. But he never thought about it in more than a surface kind of way. He never thought about what that really _made_ Wymack to him. How could he when he'd never really known what that was supposed to feel like?

Wymack was Neil’s family and he was the closest thing he’d ever had to a Dad. Wymack held him together after Evermore and he had Neil’s back time and time again. He could’ve kicked Neil off the team for the danger he may have brought, but he didn’t. Because he believed in Neil. Because he cared about Neil. And Neil did not think he had ever had a grown adult to care so much about him as a person. His mother loved him, but it was in a possessive and sometimes violent way. She did not care so much about who Neil was as a person or who he would become. Wymack did and he always had.

Neil was going to puke.

Right as he turned away from Dan’s concerned stare and went to stand up and leave the room, the rest of the team filed in with Coach behind them. Neil swallowed bile and went to stand across the room, leaning against the wall. Wymack shot him a glance before gesturing to Dan to join him.

Once everyone had found a seat, Wymack put a hand on Dan’s shoulder.

“Okay, listen up! Meet your new sub coach. Dan will be filling in for me while I’m out. I know some of you know her, but if you don’t this is Dan wilds, former PSU exy captain and current assistant coach for the Boston Wildcats. You’ll pay her the same respect you pay me – no you’ll pay her _actual_ respect, you cretins or every one of you are running marathons until graduation, got it?

Murmurs of yes coach echoed around the room and Wymack nodded before going over the day’s business. Games they had coming up and strategies they needed to work on. Once he dismissed them all he called Neil over to where he and Dan were standing.

“Good enough, Josten?” he said, gesturing to Dan.

“Yes.”

“So glad I have your approval. When are you leaving?”

“What?” Neil thought for one panicked second he was getting kicked off the team.

“For Denver. I assumed you were going there for Minyard’s birthday? How much practice are you missing and when because if I have to leave Jack here with Dan by himself I’m going to have a very threatening conversation with him.”

“Oh,” Neil didn’t know what to think about the fact that one – Wymack knew Andrew’s birthday and two – Wymack knew Neil would most definitely not be in South Carolina when it happened. Again, that sick feeling roiling in Neil’s stomach came creeping back.

“Not much. I’m going this weekend since his birthday is next week and neither of us have games this weekend. So, Friday afternoon practice. I’ll be back Sunday.”

“Good. Tell Minyard he gets shorter every year he gets older.”

Coach turned to walk away, and Dan gave Neil a hug before he could process what she was doing.

“He’s going to be fine, Neil. Try not to let it get to you so much. It’s all over your face.” Dan let him go and held him at arms-length to look directly at him.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

****

Andrew was going through the motions of dressing out when Maxwell came up behind him. They had not spoken more than a few words in the weeks that followed the letter getting out, and Andrew found that the more time that passed, the less he cared. He was in a comfortable routine of waking up, going to practice, coming home and going to bed. He ate mechanically because he knew he had to, and he spoke to Neil because he wanted to. He sporadically spoke to Nicky when he had time and even less to Aaron because things with them would always be a little rough around the edges. It was enough right now to know they were both okay.

“Hey, Minyard,” Maxwell started. He stood awkwardly at Andrew’s back. Andrew did not respond.

“So, listen. I just wanted to apologize for the weirdness that’s been going on the last few weeks. I didn’t want to crowd you since I knew you were probably pissed as hell. But just so you know, none of that shit bothers most of the rest of us, okay? You’re a great fucking goalie and at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.”

Andrew still did not respond. He finished dressing out, slammed his locker shut and made his way to the court to start drills.

He was not here to make friends. He was here to make money.

That night when he got home and booted up his computer for his skype session with Bee, he scrolled through his phone and the various social media accounts he did not follow because he could not be bothered, but that he still checked from time to time. Namely Robin’s. He liked seeing Neil when he didn’t know he was being seen.

A new picture was on Robin’s page, and Andrew’s stomach dropped just a bit. Because it was Neil at practice and he was sweaty and flushed and so fucking gorgeous. Even with that hideous orange bandana in his hair. Andrew started to put his phone away when he noticed Dan Wilds standing in the background of the picture. What the hell was she doing there?

Right on time, Andrew’s computer pinged with an incoming call.

“Hello, Bee.”

****

“So, what are you going to do for Andrew’s birthday?” Dan asked him over dinner. It was nice to have her there. Like a little piece of family to concentrate on instead of all the other shit going on in his life.

“I have no idea,” Neil replied. He really didn’t. Andrew was so hard to shop for. He didn’t really enjoy getting presents so Neil always had to find little ways to sneak him things in the least celebratory way possible. He was at a loss this year for his birthday.

“Hmmm, what to get the guy that can literally buy himself anything he wants and basically wants nothing?” Dan said, tapping a finger to her chin and looking at the ceiling.

“So, you see my problem?” Neil said with a grin.

“Okay, there’s only one thing you can do if there’s really nothing you can think of that he wants or needs.”

“What?”

“You have to go sentimental,” Dan’s grin was mischievous.

Neil choked on his French fry. “Are you kidding me? Do you know who Andrew is? I will admit he has a side that I refuse to describe in detail and that none of you have ever or will ever see, but I can’t imagine him doing anything but calling me an idiot if I got him something sappy.”

Dan shrugged and took a sip of her milkshake. “You never know. He’s all alone in Denver. I know he doesn’t have some huge group of friends keeping him company,” she held her hand up at Neil’s glare. “I don’t mean that as an insult. I just mean Andrew functions better when he doesn’t have to bother with a lot of people and it’s obvious he has to really trust someone to let them into the inner circle. So, get him something that will help him feel not so alone sometimes. You never know. He may really need it.”

Neil thought about that for the rest of their meal. They switched topics to the upcoming games and strategies and avoided talking about Wymack. On the way out of the diner, Neil knew exactly what he wanted to do.

He turned to Dan to tell her his plan.

“I’m going to need your help. I’m going to need everyone’s help.”

****

Andrew sat at the arrivals gate impatiently. Neil’s plane was delayed, and he was on edge waiting. He was ready for a weekend with no game and no practice and no people. Except for Neil. And he was barely a person, really.

Andrew had just started scrolling through his phone to help pass the time when he heard a camera shutter nearby. He looked around just in time to see a couple of girls holding a phone in his direction and giggling obnoxiously. Fantastic. He sighed and stood up and made his way out of the airport. There was no way he could meet up with Neil without being noticed now and the last thing he needed to deal with was more pictures being leaked. He made his way to the Maserati and sent a text to Neil.

_‘meet me at the car’_

He put his phone in the cup holder and rubbed a hand over his face. He was tired. Bee said in their last skype session that his body was feeding off the stress and using up his energy. He hadn’t been sleeping well. He ate to have enough energy to get through practice, but he never paid attention to what or how much.

Just as he closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the seat, the door opened. Neil threw his bag in the back and got into the front seat and frowned at Andrew when he shut the door and buckled his seatbelt.

“Meet me at the car? Can’t even come in anymore?”

“There were some idiots in there with cameras and I didn’t want to deal with Christina yelling at me about more pictures.” Andrew put the car in drive and made his way to his apartment.

“Oh. Okay.”

He could tell Neil was put out. He was doing this wrong. He hadn’t seen Neil in weeks. He should’ve kissed him when he got into the car. Or some kind of shit like that. He sighed and at the next red light, he leaned over for a kiss. Neil obliged and grinned at him after.

Andrew rolled his eyes and turned back to the road.

Once they made it to his apartment, Neil dumped his bag on Andrew’s bed and sat down next to it.

“So, what’s the plan?”

“Plan?”

“Yeah. What are we doing this weekend?” Neil started digging through his bag for something, avoiding Andrew’s eyes.

“You’re looking at it. What are _you_ doing?”

Neil pulled out a plain manila envelope. “Here. Early birthday present. I’m going to take a shower. Feel free to join me.”

Neil grabbed some clothes and made his way to the bathroom. Andrew looked down at the envelope. Whatever was in here, Neil didn’t want to be around when Andrew saw it. He opened the top and looked inside.

There was what looked like a DVD in a jewel case with a sticky note that said “play me” on it. And there were two passports, held together with a rubber-band. Andrew threw the envelope with the DVD on the bed and took the rubber-band off the passports. He opened them to find two different Neils, one named Stefan and one named Christopher staring back at him. On the inside of the second one he looked at, there was another sticky note.

_‘Because you’re the only “just in case” I need.’_

Andrew’s heart was suddenly beating overtime. He closed his eyes just for a moment, just to recall the conversation they’d had at the beach house about Andrew’s _‘just in case’_ knife and Neil’s _‘just in case’_ passports. He wanted to rip them to shreds. He wanted to burn them. He wanted to march in the bathroom and ask Neil how he could be so fucking stupid and do this to him when he clearly didn’t deserve any of it. When Andrew had been here in Denver, skulking around his apartment and functioning just enough to get by because he was too fucking exposed here. People knew too much. They saw too much. Andrew felt _too much._

But he didn’t rip them or burn them or march into the bathroom. Instead, he carefully put them together and wrapped the rubber-band around them slowly. He put them back into the envelope and he pulled out the DVD. Because whatever this was, it was not going to give him the punch in the gut those passports had. And if it did…well he didn’t want Neil around while he watched it either.

He made his way to the living room and put the DVD into his game console. He regretted it as soon as he heard the music start.

This music was all soft piano and Andrew hated it immediately. Not because it was bad. But because now he knew what was coming. It was slow and it was midnight blue and Andrew clenched his jaw against whatever was about to pop up on screen. The lyrics started.

_You're a revelation_  
_Won't you liberate me now_  
_From a holy world_  
_You're a revolution_  
_I will liberate you now_  
_As the walls come down_

The first thing that showed up on the screen was the first picture Dan snapped of the two of them at the airport. Both in their matching jackets, barely a hand’s width of space between them. It was the moment Neil gave him his real name and it was the moment Andrew gave him one of his fears. Because during that time, the roof was nothing compared to absolute terror and confusion and want that Neil made him feel.

_It's a rocky road to say_  
_Maybe I won't go_  
_Hey, dear, you're a wrecking ball_  
_You're here crushing all I'm told_

_Ever I roam_  
_Ever I roam_  
_Further from home_  
_Your hand I hold_

Andrew was going to murder him for this.

The next pictures were ones Andrew didn’t know existed. It was the two of them in a corner of the basement of Fox Tower during a party. Heads together and a grin working its way to the corner of Neil’s mouth. It was a silhouette of two men leaning against a car, shoulder to shoulder with matching cigarettes. It was the fall Banquet Andrew’s senior year, before he jumped off the roof but on the cusp of his spiral. Neil was whispering something in Andrew’s ear and Andrew was looking down at their feet. Because he couldn’t bear to look anywhere else right then.

_It's a revelation_  
_There's no hell in what I found_  
_No kingdom shell_  
_How the tides are changing_  
_As you liberate me now_  
_And the walls come down_

And then there were short clips someone had caught on their cell phone. Nicky, Andrew assumed. Andrew and Neil in the empty stands, Neil laughing at something Andrew said. The two of them after a game they had lost, in a supposedly empty hallway. Forehead to forehead and Andrew’s hand around the back of a very sweaty Neil’s neck. Neil nodding and stealing a kiss. Andrew wanted to be mad about the intrusion, but he didn’t have room for it at the moment. There were too many other emotions swirling and fighting for dominance.

_'Til the end_  
_It's a rocky road to say_  
_Maybe I won't go_  
_Hey, dear, you're a wrecking ball_  
_And you're here crushing all I'm told_

They changed again, and this time it was pictures of everyone. It was everyone crowding Andrew’s goalie box after a game. Celebrating around him but not touching him. It was a surprise birthday cake the team had brought in the locker room for him and Aaron one year. It was him and Nicky and Aaron on the porch of the Columbia house. It was all of them at graduation. It was the team holding up the championship trophy after that first win in Andrew’s sophomore year.

It was him and Wymack. Andrew with his arms crossed over his chest looking bored, and Wymack copying him because he thought it was funny.

The last picture that popped up on screen was a selfie Neil took when he got his smart phone. The two of them in bed kissing. Eyes closed, mouths together softly.

Andrew dropped his head in his hands and tried to keep it together. Because he knew what Neil was doing. He knew Neil wanted him to know he wasn’t alone here, even if he was away from everyone. He did not consider his old teammates friends. He probably never would. They were Neil’s friends. Aaron and Nicky were the exception, but he didn’t consider them friends either. They were family and they belonged to each other. That’s just the way it was. But he supposed they were part of his life, whether he wanted to acknowledge it or not.

How? How had this happened? How did he make it to this place with this man by his side? This man trying to help him and heal him and keep him safe?

_You don't deserve this._  

He knew the moment Neil walked into the room behind him, but he couldn’t make himself turn around.

****

Neil stepped into the living room, freshly showered and nervous as hell. Andrew was sitting on the floor, head in his hands and the DVD stopped on the picture of the two of them kissing. Neil swallowed and took a step further into the room.

What he thought was going to be a huge task ended up being surprisingly easy. With Dan’s help he contacted all the old Foxes and everyone sent every picture they could find of the two of them or just of Andrew with everyone else. The pictures he used in the video weren’t even a fraction of what he was sent, most of which came from a very excited Nicky. Neil was hopeless when it came to most everything dealing with technology, so Robin helped him put it together. Honestly, the hardest part was choosing the song.

He just needed something to remind Andrew that it was not always like this and it would not always be like this. Andrew was struggling, and he knew it. He was starting to shut down. Their conversations over the phone were quiet and getting shorter, and he could feel Andrew pulling away a bit. Neil knew it was not his fault and he knew Andrew was not pulling away from him on purpose. But it was there and Neil was worried and he wanted Andrew to know that there were people who cared if he lived or died.

He sat down on the floor next to Andrew and waited. He didn’t want to be the first to talk. He had no idea how Andrew would react to this. In the end, he looked up at Neil with something like anger and awe and defeat.

“You’re an idiot.”

“That’s exactly what I thought you’d say,” Neil replied. He couldn’t wait to throw an _I told you so_ at Dan.

Andrew looked back at the TV and sighed. He turned toward Neil just slightly and rested his forehead on Neil’s shoulder. There were no words and there was only this small contact, but Neil knew. He knew and he was glad. He kissed Andrew on the top of the head.

Andrew stood up and headed towards the kitchen.

“What do you want for dinner?”

****

Later that night after they had eaten dinner and turned on a movie they didn’t watch because making out was infinitely more interesting, they found themselves on the balcony.

“So, are you going to tell me why Wilds is in South Carolina right now? Or are you still pretending like there’s nothing going on?”

Andrew was always too damn perceptive for his own good. Still. Neil did not want to talk about this because talking about it made it real and he was still able to exist on a plane of maybe this isn’t really happening.

“Wymack has to be out for a few days and they won’t let us practice without a coach. So, he brought Dan in.”

That was the truth, after all.

“Why is Wymack going to be out? He’s never taken a single damn day to himself the entire time I’ve known him unless it was over an already scheduled break. And now all of a sudden he’s leaving for a few days?” Andrew narrowed his eyes at Neil and he tried very hard not to fidget under that glare.

Neil sighed.

“He has to have a medical procedure done. An outpatient thing. He and Abby say it’s not a big deal, he’ll just be down for a few days and one of the days is a game day, so he had to bring someone else in,” Neil said as quickly and as nonchalant as possible.

“A medical procedure? What kind of medical procedure?”

“He has to have a spot removed from his face or something. Listen, I really don’t want to talk about this okay? It’s just...I just want to be here with you and enjoy the weekend and not think about Wymack or classes or anything else. Just you.”

Neil knew he was being unfair. He knew if the roles were reversed he would want Andrew to talk to him if something was eating at him. But he had just arrived at the place where he was trying to accept the fact that he was so messed up about Wymack because Wymack is the closest thing he’d ever had to a father. Losing Wymack would be devasting. And Neil was having a hard time processing that feeling because although the foxes were his family now, he’d never been faced with a father figure that he was anything but terrified of.

Andrew studied him for a few minutes. Taking a sip of whisky from the tumbler he was holding.

“Okay. For now. We won’t talk about it. But we have to eventually. Remember when you made me promise I would talk to you about my shit? That I would tell you if I wasn’t okay?”

“Yes.”

“It goes both ways. Yes?”

“Yes.”

Andrew nodded and took another sip.

“On that note,” Neil started. “Are you going to tell me what’s up with _you_? Why you’ve been so distant?”

“Have I?”

“Yes, you have. What’s going on?”

“Just trouble sleeping,” Andrew said, staring into his glass. “Some nightmares. Nothing I haven’t dealt with before.”

“Sure,” Neil said. “But that doesn’t mean you have to deal with it alone now. You can call me, you know. If you can’t sleep and it’s late. I can bore you with exy talk and you’ll go right to sleep.”

Andrew huffed what passed as a tiny laugh for him. “That’s undoubtedly true. I’ll call you and talk to you about my shit when you start talking about your shit.”

Neil rolled his eyes.

“Fine. Let’s go to bed now.”

Andrew raised a brow at him. Neil knew he was terribly transparent. He stood up and moved into Andrew’s space.

“Can I sit on your lap?”

Andrew set his glass on the table next to his chair and leaned back in response. Neil sat sideways on Andrew’s lap and Andrew wrapped strong arms around his waist. Neil was content to just be held for a few minutes. He needed it right now. He needed to feel safe and grounded and supported. He buried his face in Andrew’s neck and breathed him in.

“Bed?” Andrew asked, and Neil grinned against his neck. He sat up and looked at Andrew. He looked tired. Neil put a hand to his face and leaned in for a kiss. It was slow. It was calm. And Neil thought back to those days in the beginning when their kisses were nothing but a needy desperation. They were a fight and they were a surprise somehow, every single time. Because neither one of them thought it was something they could ever have and both of them were sure it would disappear at any second.

But here they were. Four years later and with enough time to smooth the desperation from the air. Sometimes the kisses were still needy and desperate, but Neil liked this kind the best. The kind that were slow and lazy because they both knew they had all the time in the world. They knew neither of them was going anywhere. This was it for Neil and this was it for Andrew and if the payoff of that was that Neil got to kiss Andrew like this? Well. Neil couldn’t imagine why some people complained about commitment. 

Neil finally pulled away and agreed.

“Bed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!  
> Come say hi to me on [tumblr!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/jtmann182)


	9. Effort

“Do not come here.”

“Seriously, Andrew. I’m coming for Thanksgiving anyway whether you like it or not. It wouldn’t be a big deal to come a little early. Really.”

Andrew didn’t know what had crawled up Nicky’s ass, but it was really putting a damper on the post phone sex buzz he’d been on since talking to Neil a few hours earlier.

“Nicky, why are you calling me about this? Just spit it the fuck out already,” Andrew finally said, running a hand through his hair and trying valiantly to not hang up on his cousin. He should be nominated for a god damn sainthood.

“I just worry about you all alone in Denver, okay? Every time I talk to you you’re just sitting on your couch or something. You should go out, make friends. Find a hookup-”

Andrew froze and cut Nicky off before he could continue.

“Did you just tell me to find a fucking hookup? Are you serious? Just because Erik didn’t care who or what you fucked while you two were apart doesn’t mean Neil is cool with me having random hookups. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

He really did hang up that time. Nicky would never learn to watch his mouth. Andrew’s phone immediately started pinging with texts.

_i didn’t mean like that you asshole_

_i meant like at a bar_

_like roland was_

_wait_

_that came out wrong_

_no_

_not like roland_

_i just mean someone that hooks you up with drinks or whatever_

_like_

_free stuff?_

_ugh_

_why do you make me like this????_

Andrew turned his phone off. He was done now. He sat down at his computer to bring up Skype. Bee was due to call any minute and he needed a session right now.

That was the thing about getting older, he thought. When he started out with Bee, it was just a mandatory thing he had to do. Even when he started to trust Bee and actually looked forward to going, even if he didn’t talk the whole time, he never felt like he needed it. Nineteen year old Andrew thought he was in control and didn’t need someone to tell him how he should feel or think. Twenty-four year old Andrew who was actively trying to make his life something other than a wreck knew he needed these sessions just as much as he needed diet and exercise.

His skype app pinged, and Bee’s face popped up on his computer.

“Hello, Bee.”

“Hello, Andrew. It’s good to see you. You look really well! Sleeping better?”

“Yes. I tried the mindfulness app you recommended. It helped, I think.”

Mindfulness was a way for Andrew to recognize and acknowledge his nightmares and feelings without getting overwhelmed by them and without shoving them to the side and ignoring them, which was his usual go to method. He felt like an idiot every time he opened the app and he would never admit to anyone outside of Bee that he was using it, but it was actually helping.

“I’m so glad! What a great step in acknowledging your feelings.”

“Spare me, Bee. I’m sleeping better. How are you? Are the new Foxes giving you a run for your money?” Andrew knew Bee was being supportive, but it still made him squirm.

Bee laughed and Andrew bit down a smile. “You know I can’t say a thing. But I will say that I survived you all during your time at PSU so anything else pales in comparison.”

“Yes, yes I know I’m your favorite thing of all your broken things. You don’t have to tell me.”

Bee’s smile faltered just a little. “Andrew, you know that’s not true. You are not a broken thing and I would never see you or refer to you as such. I don’t want to hear that from you again. Understand?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Andrew gave her a little salute.

“Now, tell me how you’re doing there in Denver. I know you said you’ve been invited multiple times to dinner and drinks with teammates. Have you accepted?”

“Nope.”

“Do you think maybe it would be good for you to at least give it a shot?”

“Nope.”

“Why do you think that?”

Andrew sighed. They had this conversation every week. “I don’t need friends here. I’m not here to socialize and be bros. I’m here to make money. That’s it. I have plans, Bee and they involve money. Not friends.”

“Why this concentration on money? You’ve never cared very much before about having a lot of money or status. So why now? Do you think maybe you’re using it as an excuse to distance yourself?” Bee asked, eyebrows furrowed and her serious face on.

“No. It’s just…” he wanted to tell Bee. He really did. But explaining to her his fear, however irrational, that Neil would lose all his money to the Moriyama’s because they owned him seemed like a bad idea. He thought for a way to put it that wouldn’t put Bee on a list of people who knew too much.

“It’s just that Neil getting drafted isn’t certain, right? It’s what he wants to do but if it doesn’t happen, I need to be able to pick up the slack. That’s all. Maybe he’ll get drafted and end up across the country, but maybe he won’t and he’ll end up in this apartment. I just want to make sure there’s no issue until he figures shit out.” There. That was as close to the truth as he could get right now.

“So, you want to support Neil?”

“Yes.”

Bee looked suspiciously blank. Andrew sighed and looked up to the ceiling. This was Bee trying very hard not to let Andrew know how emotional she got over his progress with Neil. Anytime he showed anything beyond general interest in their relationship, Bee got this little twinkle in her eye that reminded Andrew they were probably beyond a typical doctor/patient relationship now. He couldn’t find it in himself to care.

“It makes sense for you, when one takes into consideration your need to protect those close to you. And while I think that’s very mature and noble of you, I don’t think that’s something you need to necessarily plan your life around right now. Even if Neil never works a day in his life after graduation, I’m sure as a professional athlete you make more than enough money to support you both. Socializing is still important. I’m not suggesting that you become best friends with the entire team, Andrew. You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to. I’m just saying some adult interaction would do you some good. You’re a very intelligent young man and I think intelligent conversation would be beneficial in the long run.”

Andrew’s attempt to distract Bee with sentimental mush was thwarted once again.

“If I go out for drinks with them will you stop asking me about it every week?”

“Absolutely.”

“Fine. But I’m not eating a meal with them.”

****

Neil was just about to change out for an impromptu Saturday practice when Dan popped her head in the locker room.

“Josten, in Coach’s office now.” She turned and left immediately.

What now? They had won their game against Binghamton last night and it'd spurred the whole team into even having this practice, and the phone sex he’d had with Andrew earlier was his best attempt yet, if he did say so himself (which he did). He was feeling good again after weeks of carrying dread around and whatever Dan wanted, he hoped it was good news.

He made his way to Coach’s office and couldn’t keep the grin from spreading on his face at the sight of Dan looking stern behind Wymack’s desk.

“Get that grin off your face and sit. This is serious.”

Oh fuck. Neil sat heavily in the chair and crossed an ankle over a knee, elbows on the armrests and fingers threaded loosely in front of him. He wanted to say ‘ _hit me’_ , but thought Dan might actually hit him for trying to make light of whatever this was.

“You’re failing two of your classes. Why?”

Oh. That.

Neil shrugged. “My classes this year are harder. It’s fine. I’ll bring my grades up before the end of the semester.”

“How are you so calm about this? You’re in danger of losing your scholarship here. You’re in danger of being kicked off this team. You’re in danger of not being drafted into the pros. This is serious shit, Neil. I didn’t go looking for this, an academic advisor sent this over. What’s going on?”

Neil sat forward and dropped his head in his hands and rubbed his face a few times. The truth was he was trying really hard to just ignore it. It was just one more thing on a long list of things that had been going wrong this year and he didn’t have it in him to care much about it anymore.

“I don’t know. I knew my grades have been slipping but I thought I had time. I have a few tests coming up that will boost my grades as long as I do well and-“ Dan cut him off.

“Stop. I’m not asking what your plans are. I’m asking what’s going on. This isn’t like you. I know you’ve never been a straight A student, but your grades have always been decent and you’ve always cared about the game too much to risk not being able to play. So what is it? Is it because Andrew’s gone?”

“I’m not wholly reliant on Andrew to live my day to day life, you know,” Neil said, testily. He wasn’t. It was hard not having Andrew here, but for reasons that didn’t have anything to do with his grades. It was hard not having Andrew’s steady presence to lean on. It was hard not to have the Columbia house for weekends away. It was hard having phone sex when he was really bad at it but basically had no choice because masturbation was a chore unless Andrew’s deep voice was telling him what to do on the other end of the line.

“I know that. I just know it’s hard to be away from your person. I get that. If it’s not Andrew, is it Wymack?” Dan’s voice had gone quiet at the end, like if she spoke it out loud the universe would come swoop down on them all.

Neil didn’t say anything. He avoided Dan’s gaze. His grades we in danger before he found out about Wymack, but it certainly didn’t help matters. And the situation made caring about anything else a herculean effort on Neil’s part. Grades seemed trivial in the face of cancer, if he was being honest.

“Neil. Hey. Look at me.” Neil looked up. “He’s going to be alright. Okay? Abby wouldn’t lie about it and I’ve talked to her about it a hundred times. The surgery went well and he’s due back in the next couple of days. They’ll tell us when they get the test results back.”

“Will they?” Neil couldn’t help himself. He was paranoid now, wondering what else had been kept from him.

“Yes. They will. I’ll make sure of it. Now, listen. You have got to do something about these grades. Get extra tutoring, ask for extra credit, sleep with a teacher. I don’t care. Just get your grades up before you can’t come back from it. Do you understand? I will personally kick every inch of your ass if you lose your scholarship over this.” Dan punctuated her words with a pen jabbed in Neil’s general direction, and all he could think was what a good fucking coach she was.

Neil bounced his leg in a show of nerves and looked out of the small window in Wymack’s office.

Without looking at Dan he said, “What if it’s not okay though? What if the test results come back terrible and he has to go through chemo? What if…what if he _dies_ , Dan? This isn’t how this is supposed to happen. He’s supposed to get old and retire and finally marry Abby and die when he’s old and we’re old too and we’re just happy he lived so long. That’s what’s supposed to happen. Not this. Not any of this.”

Neil stopped and leaned back in the chair. Face to the ceiling, he put his hands over his eyes. He couldn’t stand to see her right now. He was unraveling quickly and he needed to reel it in before it got away. Because he was pretty sure if he started now, he wouldn’t be able to stop and he had a team to captain in just a few minutes.

“You’re worrying about something that hasn’t happened yet. Stop it. There’s absolutely nothing any of us can do right now but wait for the results and support him when he gets them, okay? You’re worried about Wymack? You want him to be okay? Then do your job and bring your grades up and captain this team.”

Neil shook his head silently. Dan was right. There was nothing he could do. And that made him feel more helpless than ever.

“Okay.”

****

Andrew woke up Saturday morning to a pounding on his door. He’d had a rare Friday night game and had been very much looking forward to being as lazy as possible the entire day. More pounding followed these thoughts. He stared at the door in confusion for a second, as if he could will whoever it was away with the power of his burning hatred. It did not work.

He dragged himself out of bed and pulled his armbands on, making sure his knives were secure. He stood on tiptoe to look through the peephole and went back on flat feet with his forehead against the door.

“You have got to be fucking kidding me.”

“I heard that. Open the door, Andrew. It’s fucking cold out here.”

Andrew sighed and opened the door for his brother, who indeed looked a bit frozen around the edges. Ears red, nose red, hands shoved in armpits.

“It’s not cold in Chicago? What the hell are you doing here? I don’t remember inviting you,” Andrew said with all the disdain he could muster. He needed notice if someone else was going to be in his space. He had to mentally prepare himself to not murder whoever it was too quickly.

“Are you going to let me in?”

Andrew stood back grudgingly and let Aaron in the apartment. He walked in and looked around while dropping his bag on the couch and taking off his scarf and jacket. He finally turned around and looked at Andrew once he had shed his outer layer. Andrew gestured a hand toward him in a request for an explanation.

Aaron sighed. “Nicky called me.”

“Jesus Christ,” Andrew muttered and made his way to the kitchen for coffee. It was too damn early for this shit.

“He was worried. Said you’ve been living like a hermit. I said it wasn’t my problem. He threatened to send Katelyn pictures of the time I tried to dye my hair green. So here I am.” Aaron sat down at the bar and watched Andrew pour two mugs of coffee.

“So, you spent money that you don’t have to fly all the way here so that your girlfriend wouldn’t see you with green hair? I missed whatever phase it was you were going through then, but I can only imagine she’s seen you in worse positions,” Andrew narrowed his eyes at Aaron. Something wasn’t adding up here.

Aaron held his mug between his hands and stared into his coffee. “Nicky paid for the ticket and…Mom is in those pictures.”

Which meant either she was visibly high or Aaron was visibly bruised. Or both. Nicky must not have realized. He didn't have it in him to be that cruel.

“Ah,” Andrew said.

“Yeah.”

“Well here I am,” Andrew said, spreading his arms wide and leaning back against the counter. “I’m fine and alive and my hermit lifestyle keeps the locals safe. Run home and tell Nicky to leave me the fuck alone.”

“My plane leaves Monday. I’ll tell him then. Now, what’s for breakfast? I’m starving.”

****

Neil’s good mood had vanished in a puff of smoke in the office with Dan. He was glad she was the one to tell him about his grades. Not that he didn’t know, but if his adviser was sending a warning to his Coach, that was bad. Coming from Wymack would’ve been worse somehow. He didn’t think he could take his concern on top of everything else.

He was out on court with the team, pushing them hard on drills. Dan was standing next to him, making note of who needed improvement where and making a plan on who to pair up in the scrimmage when there was a banging on the plexiglass. They both looked up at the same time to see Wymack and Abby standing on the other side.

“Keep going!” he yelled to the team. A few of them had stopped to look at what the racket was, and he didn’t want them crowding Wymack. He jogged across the court with Dan and stepped through the door. Wymack’s back was to him hugging Dan, and Abby came over to give him a pat on the shoulder.

“How is he?” he asked quietly.

“Oh, fine. Doing too much already, but he’s in great spirits,” Abby said with a smile. That was encouraging at least.

Until Wymack turned around and faced Neil. And Neil felt all the blood drain from his face. Wymack grinned a little.

“Now you know how we all felt when we saw your messed up mug in Baltimore.”

Neil didn’t – _couldn’t_ respond. Wymack had a stitched-up incision in the shape of an upside down U from the bottom of his cheekbones to right at the corner of his eye. His eye was swollen and red and blood vessels were broken so the white was bloody. He had another incision on his neck that looked like someone had tried to kill him but had really terrible aim.

Neil looked at his feet because he couldn’t bear to look at Wymack a second longer.

“How’d the surgery go?” Neil finally said, when the silence reached the point of awkwardness.

“Went well,” came Wymack’s rough voice. “They found two hot spots in my lymph nodes that they removed. But that was it, so it hasn’t spread anywhere else. They have to run the tests to see what they are, but the doctor seemed confident they got it all.”

“What if the tests come back positive for cancer in the lymph nodes they removed?” Dan asked. Neil was glad because he wanted to ask but didn’t think he could.

“Radiation. But not chemo. Like I said, it went well.” He squeezed Dan’s shoulder and she gave him a small smile. Neil just nodded.

“Get back out there then. Just stopped by to make sure the slackers weren’t slacking. Go.”

Neil went. He finished practice in a daze, showered and left the stadium ahead of everyone else for once. He ignored his phone when it rang and he went straight to his dorm. It was still early, and Neil knew he needed to get started on some homework he’d been putting off. But instead he took off his shoes and pulled off his jeans and crawled under his blankets and did not come out again until it was dark outside and he couldn’t stand himself or his roommates noise any longer.

He should eat. He should call Andrew back. He should do his fucking homework.

Instead, he went for a run. It was late and campus was dark, but Perimeter Road was always lit up. He followed it around campus and found a kind of numbness in the cold and the visible puffs of air. He tried to clear his mind of anything and everything but his breathing, but only succeeded in making space for the more self-destructive thoughts to creep in.

_You’re going to get kicked off the team. You won’t get drafted. The Moriyama’s will find you and kill you. What will happen to Andrew?_

He followed a curve in the road and heard a group of people laughing loudly near a fountain. He kept his head down and attempted to run by unnoticed.

It didn’t work.

“Hey, Josten! That you?”

Neil vaguely recognized a football player from the hallways of Fox Tower. Jones? Smith? Something equally boring? He kept running.

“You Exy players sure do like running,” probably Jones yelled. “Like that bitch that wanted to play games.”

Neil slowed his pace just a little. What bitch?

“What was her name? April something?” The other guys started hooting and laughing and Neil heard someone yell _‘That bitch wanted it!’_

Neil stopped. April? They were talking about April?

_“She got into a fight and beat the shit out of someone before pulling a weapon. She claims it was self-defense and she had no intention of using it, but the school board didn’t see it that way. She was expelled. She’s already gone.”_

She was attacked. By this asshole. She was attacked and they kicked her out of school for defending herself.

Neil turned around slowly, seeing red.

“What the fuck did you say to me?”

A chorus of laughter and ‘ooooooh’ rang all around and it made Neil grit his teeth.

“I said, you short fuck, that bitch wanted to play games. Tried to act like she didn’t want it when she did, so when I tried to give it to her that cunt pulled a knife on me. But don’t worry, we taught her a lesson in the end. You Exy players all walk around campus like you’re hot fucking shit. You’re not. You’re a bunch of fucked up rejects that no one else wants and someone needs to teach a lesson.” Jones turned around and raised his arms to his drunk friends like he was preaching a sermon.

“Friends, class is in session!”

Applause echoed in every corner of Neil’s brain and before he knew what he was doing he was running straight for the asshole. Straight for the guy that assaulted April. That cost her a scholarship, an education, a purpose. That cost him a striker.

He was going to rip this guy to pieces. No matter that he had a foot and a hundred pounds on Neil. That was all secondary to his need to destroy.

As soon as Neil was in punching distance, he started in. He fought dirty and he was not ashamed of it. His mother taught him the best way to incapacitate a man, and as soon as he had Jones down on the ground, Neil laid into his face like it was Wymack’s cancer. Like it was his shitty grades. Like it was the distance between here and his heart in Denver. Like he could fix everything wrong in his life by letting it all bleed out through his knuckles.

Neil was very good at math. It was why it was his major. No matter where he was in the world with his mother, math was always the same. It was like a universal language. But he’d overlooked something in this equation, and that was the six other guys who were very drunk and who were currently pulling Neil off of Jones.

He fought like a rabid animal. He kicked and punched and even bit someone, he was pretty sure. But the fact was, he was outnumbered. He was on the ground quicker that he’d like to admit, and the blows rained down in a torrent of pain and noise. Someone kicked his back. Someone kicked his head. And all Neil could do before the darkness swept in was curl up in a ball and wrap his arms around his skull.

****

Andrew sat on the balcony with Aaron after dinner. It was strange having him here, but not because it was uncomfortable. It was because it _wasn’t_ uncomfortable that made it odd. It was like this was natural and that unsettled Andrew. When did this happen and why?

“So,” Aaron said, swirling his drink in his glass. “How are things with exy?”

Andrew’s fingers twitched with a need for a cigarette, but he pushed it down. He hadn’t had one in almost a month.

“It’s the same as always. Stupid and boring. But the money is good so it’ll do, I suppose. Med school?” Andrew didn’t want to ask honestly. He didn’t want to know. But he felt like he should so he did. This is how normal family functioned, right?

“Fucking hard. Thank god Katelyn is so damn smart. I would’ve flunked out immediately.”

Andrew hummed noncommittally.

“And…Josten? How is Josten?”

Andrew almost laughed. Aaron was so obviously uncomfortable asking, Andrew wondered why he bothered.

“An idiot as always. He’s coming for Thanksgiving. So prepare yourself to have him in your presence at the cabin.”

Nicky and Erik were coming and they had rented a cabin the mountains in Denver. Nicky wanted to cook and Andrew would not be eating but as long as there was ice cream, it was probably fine.

“I don’t hate him, you know,” Aaron half mumbled.

“Oh?”

“I just don’t understand it, I guess. How it works with you two. You don’t let anyone in ever, not even family. You don’t let people touch you. You don’t let people know you. And then here comes Josten, a liar and a criminal and _he’s_ the one? He’s the one that got through?”

“So, you’re jealous? I’m flattered little brother. I didn’t know you cared. I’m sorry my happiness is such a point of confusion for you,” Andrew drawled.

Aaron spluttered, “Little brother? What the fuck makes you think you’re older? You don’t even have a real birth certificate!”

Andrew had been assigned a birth certificate with November 4th as the date and 12:00AM as the time. He didn’t know why. Something to do with orphans and parents who wanted nothing to do with their children or something equally as tragic.

“Do you really think you’re older than me? Please. You have all the maturity of a grapefruit. You’re lucky to have an older brother like me. Someone to look up to.”

“God, you’re such an asshole. You’d think it would mellow with age.”

“Not a chance. Sorry to disappoint. I’ve only learned how to pinpoint people’s insecurities with greater accuracy.” Andrew took a long sip of his drink and willed it to work it’s way quickly through his bloodstream.

“But are you though? Happy?” Aaron would not look at him. Andrew stared at the side of his face a sighed.

“Neil and I are the same. We both come from something so fucked up, we’re not whole people. We’ve both had to fight and scrape and crawl to survive. He stops when I say no. He starts when I say yes. It’s a mutual understanding of something no one else understands. It’s not some big secret or mystery. It just works.” Andrew finished the rest of his drink and set his glass on the table harder than he meant to. He didn’t like talking about Neil to anyone. He knew what it looked like from the outside, and he didn’t think he owed anyone an explanation. He was only having this conversation with Aaron now because apparently he hated himself and wanted to have regrets in the morning. Who knew?

Aaron nodded. “Okay, then.”

“Are _you_?” Andrew asked, because he felt like he should.

“Yes. I’m going to ask her. When we’re done with this year. I’m going to ask her.”

“Okay.”

Andrew’s phone rang and his stomach dropped when he saw the number. It was Wymack and there was only one reason he’d be calling Andrew.

“What happened?” Andrew answered.

“He got into a fight. There were a bunch of guys and they piled on top of him. I have no idea why. Someone called the cops and they managed to grab three of them before they ran off with the others,” Wymack said all of this very quickly and very calmly and it only made Andrew more on edge.

“Where is he? Can I talk to him?”

Wymack sighed. “He’s in the hospital. He’s unconscious. I think he’s fine, but they won’t tell me much since I’m not family.”

“He doesn’t _have_ any family,” Andrew said through gritted teeth.

“Preaching to the choir, kid. They don’t care. Listen, can you get here? He’s going to ask for you as soon as he wakes up and I don’t want to have to tell him you’re not here.”

“I’m on my way.” Andrew hung up the phone and stood up. He walked past Aaron into the house and didn’t stop until he was in his room with a bag open on his bed. Aaron came in behind him.

“What happened?” Aaron asked.

“It’s Neil. I have to go. Now,” Andrew said, not stopping to explain any further. How soon could he get a flight? When would Neil be awake? Was he even really okay?

“I’ll drive you.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!  
> Come say hi to me on [tumblr!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/jtmann182)


	10. Honestly

“You will absolutely not drive my car,” Andrew snapped, shoving random things in his bag. His thoughts were running wild and he was thinking about packing and a plane ticket and Neil lying helpless in a hospital bed without anyone there with him. But through all that he knew without a doubt that he would never give Aaron the keys to the Maserati.

“It doesn’t make sense for you to drive to the airport and leave your very expensive car there. I’ll ride with you and drive it back. Unless you want to try and wait for an Uber out here on a Saturday night. How long will you even be there?”

Andrew picked up his back and threw it on the floor.

_“FUCK.”_

He ran his hands through his hair over and over until it hurt. He finally stopped with his fingers still clutching the strands and took a deep breath.

“Andrew,” Aaron said quietly.

Andrew spun around to face him. Chest heaving.

“Let me bring your car back here. If you’re stuck in Palmetto for more than a few days, it doesn’t make sense to leave your car at the airport,” Aaron was speaking very calmly and quietly, as if trying not to spook an already frightened cat.

“Fine. I don’t have time for this. We have to go now.”

Andrew picked up the bag with whatever contents he had managed to collect. He grabbed his phone, wallet and keys and made his way outside to the car, Aaron struggling to keep up with him.

Andrew was quiet in the car. He was gripping the wheel too hard he knew. He thought about calling Wymack back. Calling the hospital. Calling the police station to get the names of the men he was going to have to hurt very, very soon. But he didn’t. Because none of that would be helpful right now.

“So, what happened? Is he okay?” Aaron finally asked, breaking the silence.

“I don’t know. He got in a fight and a bunch of guys beat the shit out of him. He’s in the hospital. They won’t tell Wymack anything.”

Aaron was quiet for a moment, contemplating. Finally he said, “Josten is an idiot.”

Andrew thought that for maybe the first time in their lives, he and his brother were in complete agreement.

****

Neil was floating. He was standing but he was floating. He was on the Foxhole Court, in the very center, standing on the big orange fox paw.

“You didn’t listen,” said a voice that was only vaguely familiar. Neil looked up and found himself looking into the eyes of the woman he had met on the plane on his way back from Denver. She had the same dark flawless skin, the same greying locs, the same rings on her fingers.

“What? Why are you here?”

“I told you. I told you not to let the distance drown you. You didn’t listen,” she said sadly, and turned to walk away.

“Wait! I didn’t! I didn’t let it drown me!” Neil called desperately. He wanted her to stay. He didn’t know why. He just felt like she needed to be there so he wasn’t alone.

“You have not drowned yet, boy. But the water is in your lungs. Let the love buoy you.”

And then she was gone, and Neil was alone. In the next blink of his eyes, he was on his back on the roof looking at the sky above PSU campus. He heard an inhale of smoke and looked over to see Andrew lying beside him. Looking contemplative and beautiful, bathed in shadow and moonlight. He reached a hand over, but could not find his partner to grab on to him.

“Andrew?”

Andrew slowly turned his head and looked at Neil.

“You should have told me,” he said. But his lips didn’t move. He stared at Neil with a furrowed brow, and it was like Neil was hearing his heart.

“I know. I should have. I should have told you everything. I don’t know how to do this,” Neil said, desperate to explain.

“Yes, you do.”

The distance between them grew and Neil reached out his hand. Stretching his fingers as far as they would go. Andrew stretched his out too and they met in the middle. In the abyss of darkness and turmoil between them, their fingers brushed and then were lost.

Neil closed his eyes and there was only darkness, and the sounds of people and machines and Neil tried to move. Tried to open his eyes. But it was no use, and he thought maybe it was better to stay in the darkness. Maybe he could find Andrew again.

****

Andrew finally got to the hospital 2AM Palmetto time. There was only one direct flight leaving within the hour and Andrew had to pay an insane amount for the only seat left on the plane, which was first class. He did not care even a little.

He made his way to the area Wymack texted him and saw his old Coach sitting with Abby and Dan Wilds in the waiting room. They stood when he came in.

Andrew vaguely noted Wymack’s face, but didn’t have the time or patience to ask.

“Where is he?” he demanded, as soon as he got within hearing distance.

“He’s in the back,” Wymack said, nodding his head in the direction of double doors with _‘employees only past this point’_ on them. “They’re still running tests. They said they’d come out and let us know when they were done and when he was moved into a room, but that they can’t give us any details since we’re not immediate family.”

“We’ll see about that,” Andrew muttered and glared at the nearest nurse he could find.

“Don’t make a scene, Minyard,” Wilds put in. “It won’t help either one of you.”

Andrew turned to her and mentally laughed. Oh, Wilds. Andrew wanted to thank her for the opportunity to spit his vitriol somewhere after having to sit on it this long.

“Last time I checked, you’re not my captain anymore. And while we’re on the subject of captains, weren’t you in charge here? What happened? Where were you? Did you not notice something was going on with him? Or were you too trussed up on your own importance to notice?”

Dan took a step back while her expression twisted into one of rage.

“How fucking dare you?! Of course I noticed something was wrong, and I tried talking to him about it this morning. Where the hell were _YOU_?”

Andrew was just about to step into her face when Wymack moved between them.

“Both of you, cool it!” he said harshly, all Coach mode. “Everyone here knows Josten isn’t going to talk to anyone about anything unless he wants to, and we have no idea what happened. He could’ve been jumped randomly for all we know.”

Andrew raised a brow at him as if to say ‘ _Really?_ ’ and Wymack sighed. None of them were under the illusion that even if Neil hadn’t started the fight, he did nothing to try and prevent it. And Andrew knew. He _knew_ something was wrong. He knew something was up and he was trying to give Neil space and time and thought he would talk when he was ready.

He was wrong and he hated himself for it.

A nurse came out and called, “Neil Josten?”

Everyone turned around and made their way to her.

“He’s in critical but stable condition. He’s asleep now. Visiting hours start at eight in the morning,” she said as impersonally as humanly possible, and she turned on her heel to go back through the double doors when she was done.

“Wait!” Andrew called. She stopped a turned around, obviously put out. “That’s it? What does that even mean? Critical but stable?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t give you any more details. HIPPA laws and all that,” she was turning to leave before she even finished.

“I’m his husband!” Andrew yelled desperately. The nurse stopped and turned slowly. She ran her eyes down to his ringless left hand, and then back up to his face, raising a skeptical brow. Wymack coughed behind him and he heard Dan mutter an ‘ _oh my god_ ’.

“Do you have any proof? I can’t just-”

“Proof? _PROOF?_ Would you ask me for proof if I were a woman? Let me see him now or I’m suing this entire fucking hospital and everyone in it for discrimination,” Andrew was breathing heavily and suddenly, it was like he was outside himself looking in at the situation. What was wrong with him? Why were words still coming out of his mouth? Husband? He could’ve literally said anything else. He could’ve said uncle, brother, cousin. But no. No, his brain had supplied husband and now Andrew was stuck in a stare down with this nurse and all he could think was that this must be how Neil felt every single time he opened his mouth.

“He’s telling the truth,” came Wymack’s voice from somewhere behind Andrew. He didn’t look. It was taking everything he had to keep his shit together right now. “Do yourself a favor and let him back. They won’t rest until they’re in the same room, trust me.”

The nurse gave a heavy sigh and looked at the ceiling as if praying for patience.

“He has a concussion. He’s relatively unscathed except for outward bruising and contusions. Bruised ribs, but not broken. Because of the concussion we can’t give him anything for the pain stronger than ibuprofen, so he’s hurting and he’ll be hurting for awhile.We’re taking regular urine samples to make sure there’s no damage to his kidneys. We need to keep him here at least overnight for observation. Room 208,” she said with the air of the long suffering and stood aside when she was done so Andrew could make his way through the doors.

He nodded at her and without a backwards glance at anyone, he made is way to his partner.

****

When Andrew finally found his way into Neil’s hospital room, he froze. He stood by the door and looked towards the bed and couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. Neil was there, looking gray in the dim light. Andrew couldn’t see the extent of the damage, but he could see that Neil’s eyes were swollen and his nose had a bandage on it. And as if he knew, as if he was so attuned to Andrew he could sense his presence, Neil turned his head toward the door.

“Andrew?” he whispered. It was small and gravelly and it broke Andrew’s insides into a million tiny pieces, and he didn’t think they’d ever fit together the same again.

Andrew finally unfroze his feet and walked toward the bed. He stood next to Neil and took in his face. Two swollen black eyes, broken nose, split lip. He slipped his hand into Neil’s and squeezed. He didn’t trust himself to talk just yet.

“Andrew,” Neil whispered again, and this time it was broken. This time it was like a weight was lifted off of Neil’s chest and he sucked in a rattling breath. “It hurts.”

Andrew ground his teeth. He bit his tongue until he tasted copper. He had a sudden vision of himself ripping this entire hospital room apart. The supplies and the curtains and the stupid fucking vase of flowers on the table. Destroying everything until it was all at his feet, broken and ruined.

But he didn’t. Because that’s not what Neil needed right now. He took a deep breath and placed a hand in Neil’s hair, where he hoped it didn’t hurt. He leaned forward and rested his cheek on Neil’s head and closed his eyes. He breathed in deep and took a step back. He toed off his sneakers and he squeezed himself as best he could between Neil’s body and the bed railing. He’d never been so grateful to be so small.

He didn’t want to jostle Neil too much, but he managed to get them into a position where his head was on Andrew’s shoulder and Andrew’s arms were wrapped around him. He lowered his head to get as close to Neil’s ear as he could manage.

And he sang.

_You are my sunshine_

_My only sunshine_

_You make me happy_

_When skies are gray_

_You’ll never know dear_

_How much I love you_

_Please don’t take_

_My sunshine away_

It was not pretty. It was not even singing so much as speaking the words as quietly as he could with Neil still able to hear. But it was enough. Neil took a sobbing breath and went pliant against Andrew. Burying his bruised face as much as he could manage into his partner.

“I’m sorry,” Neil said to Andrew’s neck, and Andrew shushed him.

“Stop talking. Go to sleep. I’m not going anywhere. We can talk later.”

For once in his life, Neil listened. He dropped off to sleep almost immediately, and Andrew could finally breathe now that he was here and now that he knew Neil would heal eventually.

This was Baltimore all over again, but somehow so much worse. It shouldn’t be. In Baltimore he had no idea if Neil was dead or alive and it was sheer panic he felt at losing the one thing that made him feel. Of losing it before he’d even really had it. Baltimore was the moment it had all changed. It was the moment he had to stop denying to himself that he wanted Neil, and he wanted Neil to want him back. It was the moment he was so lost it was like being in a dark room with no door knob, and then he was found. He was found, he was found, _he was found_ and Neil was the one that lit the candle. Placed that tiny glow of light in the middle of the room and allowed Andrew to finally see.

Now, all these years and kisses and moments of trust and honesty later, he can say for certain that if anything were to happen to Neil, that light would go out for good. Nothing could bring it back. He’d be back in that dark room with no door knob, feeling the walls and walking in circles until he collapsed. And gave up. Because what would be the point of it all? Nicky and Aaron and Bee were all part of him and he knew they cared about him. He was finally in a place in his life and recovery where he could admit he cared about them, too. He cared what happened to them and if they were safe. But what he felt for Neil was so all consuming, it scared him. And for just one second, one tiny moment, he wished he’d never met Neil. Because it was his fault Andrew was able to feel this depth of emotion and it was his fault he’d never be able to get the taste of Neil out of his mouth and the smell of him out of his nose and the feel of him out of his hands.

But, Andrew reminded himself, Neil is that light. That glow that started out as a tiny candle and grew to a white light that warms and guides. That is not nothing, and it never was. And maybe this seems worse than Baltimore because he didn’t know in Baltimore. Losing Neil then would’ve ruined Andrew. But losing Neil now that he knew. Now that he’d had Neil and loved Neil and been loved by Neil. Losing him now would be devastation on a scale Andrew couldn’t comprehend. And he could have lost him, if someone had even kicked him in just the right spot.

So he squeezed Neil just a little tighter and for the second time in recent history, Andrew allowed himself to cry for what he had and what could’ve been lost.

****

Andrew did not move from that spot until the light of morning filtered through the curtains. Nurses came in and out to check on Neil and his concussion throughout the night, but not one of them tried to get Andrew to move. They worked around him and gave him small smiles when they caught his eye. They really did think he was Neil’s husband, and that sudden reminder of what he’d done came rushing back in a bit of panic in his belly.

Not because he didn’t want people to think they were married. Because who gives a shit? He was Neil’s family and that was the end of it. But because he suddenly had a perfectly clear vision of Christina’s furious face if word got out that Andrew Minyard rushed to his _husband’s_ bedside at all hours of the morning and demanded to see him immediately.

He checked his phone. It was 7:30 in the morning Palmetto time, which meant it was 5:30 Denver time. He sighed and started to untangle himself from Neil.

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m not going anywhere. I just have to pee and make a phone call, okay?” Andrew said when Neil started to whine at the loss of Andrew’s body heat. Neil nodded stiffly and Andrew kissed his head before stepping into the bathroom. After taking care of himself, he steeled himself to call Christina.

‘ _There better be a damn good reason you’re calling me so early on a Sunday morning. I hope you’re calling to say “I’m on my way to my shoot Christina._ ”’ she answered, voice sleep roughened. Andrew pressed his lips together for a moment. He completely forgot he had a photoshoot for grunnings racquets scheduled for today.

“I’m on my way to my shoot, Christina,” he said as cheerfully as he could manage.

Christina let out a heavy sigh. _‘Liar. What’s going on? Do you know how hard it was to get this shoot scheduled for a Sunday? Because some lazy little shit wanted to sleep in on Saturday?’_

“It’s Neil,” he said. “He’s in the hospital. I left Denver as soon as I heard. I’m in Palmetto.”

 _‘Palmetto?! Oh my god, Minyard. Does anyone know you’re there?’_ Andrew could hear her sitting up and shuffling around, immediately going into PR mode.

“No one but you. And whoever was in the hospital at 2AM.”

_‘Have you called your coach yet to let him know you won’t be at practice tomorrow? Management?’_

“Could you be a peach and let them know for me? Thanks you’re the best,” Andrew said, saccharine sweet. The fewer people he had to deal with, the better.

 _‘You better hope this doesn’t end up in the news. You’re going to get the ass kicking of a lifetime if someone sends me pictures of you in the hospital with Josten,’_ she replied, and Andrew could hear her already typing away.

“There’s something else,” Andrew started, and he almost stopped himself. Did she really _need_ to know what an idiot he’d been? If it came out, it came out and he could just deny it, right? But if it came out and Christina was blindsided, Andrew didn’t even want to think about how much bullshit he would have to deal with from her. And everyone else, for that matter.

The typing stopped. _“Ay, Dios mio. What did you do?”_

“When I got here they wouldn’t let me see him. They wouldn’t give me any information about how he was because of some bureaucratic bullshit about how I’m not his family even though he doesn’t have any fucking family,” Andrew said, getting angry all over again.

_‘Yes, yes I’m sure you were very upset. What the fuck happened? Please don’t tell me you punched a nurse. There’s no coming back from that, Minyard and I don’t even want to try.’_

Andrew could practically see her rubbing her forehead.

“I told them we’re married. It’s the only reason I’m even in his room right now. It was the only way-”

 _‘Don’t you only way me you little shit! Are you insane?! You come into my office and tell me you want to keep this under wraps for as long as possible and then you pull some shit like this?! You couldn’t have said you were his brother for fuck’s sake? I’ve dealt with some difficult people in my time but you, precioso, take the fucking cake. I hope you’re proud of yourself,’_ Christina spat out, very quickly and more shrill that Andrew had ever heard her.

“Yes, yes I’m an idiot. You don’t have to tell me. But it is what it is and nothing will come of it I’m sure, but I just thought I’d let you know. But, Christina?”

 _‘What?’_ Christina responded through gritted teeth.

“I’d do it again in a second if it got me to his room and to his bed. I need you to understand that. I still want to keep it quiet for as long as possible, but I will be here every single time if I need to be. You can pass that along. Kick me off the fucking team. I don’t care. He’s more important,” Andrew said, and for some reason he felt like it was really imperative that she understand. This was always going to be the most important thing.

Christina let out a heavy sigh. _‘How is he? What happened?’_

“Some guys jumped him when he was running. I haven’t gotten the story out of him yet. Kicked the shit out of him until someone called the cops and they scattered. He’s got a concussion and he’s beat up pretty bad, but he’ll be okay.”

 _‘Good. That’s good. Do you know when you’ll be back in Denver?’_ she asked, hopefully.

“No. But I’ll let you know when I do,” Andrew said, and heard Neil calling his name from the room. “He’s awake. I have to go.”

_‘Okay. Listen, I’m still pissed at you but call me if you need anything, okay?’_

“Okay,” Andrew said and hung up the phone.

***

Andrew had been in the bathroom forever, and Neil was tired of waiting for him to come back. He could hear him talking softly on the phone to someone and he was curious to know who.

He still couldn’t believe Andrew was here. That he’d made it so quickly. That he remembered the song his mother used to sing when he was hurt. Neil swallowed the lump in his throat before it spilled out of his eyes.

Andrew came out of the bathroom looking exhausted. He was wearing a long sleeve thermal shirt and jeans and only socks on his feet. Neil suddenly felt very guilty that Andrew rushed all the way here because of his stupidity.

Neil sat up and attempted to swing his legs off the bed to go to the bathroom. He was immediately dizzy and Andrew rushed to grab his arm.

“What are you doing, you idiot? You trying to do more damage?” Andrew asked harshly. Neil winced and Andrew’s face softened.

“I need the bathroom. I can get there on my own.” Neil started to pull his arm from Andrew’s grip, but Andrew just held on tighter.

“Would it kill you to just let me help you? You’re dizzy and your legs are bruised as shit. It’s going to fucking hurt to walk.”

Andrew was right. As soon as Neil put weight on his legs he sucked in a breath between his teeth. It hurt. A lot. He let Andrew help him to the bathroom and left him waiting outside the door.  When he came back out, Andrew was right there to grab his arm again.

“Thanks,” Neil said when he was sitting again on the edge of the bed with Andrew in front of him. He leaned his head against his partner’s chest and took a deep breath.

“So, are you going to tell me what happened now? Who I have to kill? Because honestly I think my patience here has been admirable.”

Neil looked up at him. His head hurt. His face hurt. His heart hurt. He fucked up. He threw the first punch in a fight with the same guy that April got expelled for fighting.

“Do me a favor?” he asked Andrew.

“Anything.”

“Kill me please. Before the Moriyama’s get their chance once I’m expelled.” Neil mostly meant it as a joke, but Andrew did not take it as one. He squeezed Neil’s arms and then put his hands on either side of Neil’s face.

“Don’t you ever say shit like that again. Do you understand? It’s not funny. You’re not going to get expelled. We’re going to fix whatever is going on. Do not ever joke about it again,” Andrew said, honey eyes locked into sky and expression deadly serious.

“I’m sorry,” Neil said. “I was joking. I just know I fucked up.” Andrew waited quietly for him to continue. So he did. He explained about the group of guys, and about how Jones goaded him about April. He explained how he lost it. He explained how he was in danger of failing and how Wymack’s face had caught him off guard and the cancer and how it was too much. It had all been too much and he’d been too scared to unload on Andrew with everything he was dealing with and so he let it fester. And this was the result.

Andrew sat next to him on the bed.

“Do you understand that the cops are going to come question you?” he asked. Neil nodded. “Then you understand that you need to use your unnatural gift for lying? You need to tell them that Jones threw the first punch. You need to tell them that he was the instigator and when you tried to walk away, he wouldn’t let you. You need to tell them that all the guys were belligerent so that their word won’t mean shit. You got it?” Neil nodded again.

“You should have told me,” he said, and Neil was back in his dream, reaching fingers out to grasp onto any part of Andrew he could.

“I know. I tried so many times. I don’t know how to do this.”

“Yes, you do.”

Andrew wrapped an arm around Neil and he let his head fall onto his partner’s shoulder. Let himself close his eyes. Let himself pretend that everything was normal, just for a moment. Just until the door to his room opened and it startled Neil out of his thoughts.

A nurse walked in and smiled at them. “Just need to check vitals,” she told them. Andrew started to move and she waved him back down next to Neil. “No, it’s fine. You can stay with him.”

“Thank you,” Neil said.

“Of course. You’re lucky to have such a great husband. He’s been right by your side the entire time he’s been here. I think he likes you,” she said with a wink.

Neil blinked. He blinked again. He looked at Andrew and watched him shake his head minutely. As soon as the nurse left Neil sat himself on the bed as gingerly as he could  and put his chin in his hands, elbows on his knees.

“I can’t _wait_ to hear whatever you’re about to tell me.”

****

Andrew pinched the bridge of his nose.

“It was the only way they’d let me back. They wouldn’t tell me anything and they wouldn’t let me see you because it was outside of visiting hours. So I told them we were married so they’d let me through.” Andrew watched Neil’s face steadily turning redder. The tips of his ears, his chest, his cheeks. All flushed. Andrew steeled himself for Neil’s anger.

And then Neil laughed. He laughed so hard he had to moan in between from the pain. Tears leaked out of the corner of his eyes and Andrew found that anger he was expecting from Neil come rumbling up inside his chest.

“It’s not fucking funny. Christina is furious and if anyone heard-”

“You told Christina?” Neil asked, still laughing.

“Yes. I needed her to know. Just in case.”

“Andrew. Oh my god. It hurts to laugh,” Neil moaned clutching his bruised ribs.

“It’s not that funny. You’re welcome for figuring out a way back here,” Andrew said, before something occurred to him. When he was in the hospital after he jumped off the roof, Neil was there the entire time. He slept there. He ate there. He did his homework there. “How did you do it?”

“Do what?” Neil asked, finally catching his breath.

“When I was in the hospital. How did you get them to give you info and let you stay?”

“I bribed a nurse to put that I was your next of kin in your file,” Neil said with a grin. “It wasn’t hard, really.You know, for someone so logical-”

“Shut up.”

“Make me. _Husband._ ”

Andrew huffed and tried to pull away. He only resisted a little when Neil pulled him down to the bed.

****

The cops came to talk to Neil that afternoon. He was supposed to be out already. He was supposed to be with Andrew somewhere that wasn’t a hospital. Instead he had to talk to the cops and he hated every second of it. It went against everything he’d ever been taught. But he was still afraid of being expelled, so he cooperated.

He more or less gave them the truth, but he conveniently left out the part where he threw the first punch. They didn’t need to know that. He did, however, make sure he let them know exactly what Jones had admitted to him regarding April. He didn’t know if anything would come of it, but he had to try.

When he finally told Wymack what happened, he expected raging fury. Instead, Wymack went very quiet. Neil could see what was happening as it was taking place across his Coach’s face.

“It’s not your fault,” Neil said. “I don’t know why April didn’t give anyone the whole story. But I’m sure she had her reasons.”

Wymack shook his head and started to rub his face before he remembered his stitches.

“She said it was self-defense. I should’ve fought harder for her. I should’ve made them listen. They just kept telling me she pulled a knife so that was the end of it.”

“Then there was nothing you could do.” Neil hesitated before asking, “Am I going to get expelled?”

“No. And I know you threw the first punch,” Wymack said with a pointed look at Neil. He held a hand up when Neil started to open his mouth. “Don’t deny it. I know as soon as that asshole started talking about April you popped him, and I’m glad. But April pulled a weapon that she wasn’t supposed to have on campus to begin with. It’s a miracle Minyard was never caught all those years.You will not be expelled. As shitty as it is, you make this school way too much money for them to actually do anything serious.”

“That... _is_ shitty.”

“Yeah, well. Let’s count our blessings. Now you want to tell me why you thought it was a good idea to let yourself get carried away with a group of drunk football players?”

“I thought you were glad I punched him?” Neil said, annoyed that he was getting a Coach talk after everything.

“I am. But you’re smart enough to know to pay attention to your surroundings and get the hell out before shit goes south. You didn’t. You wailed on that guy and let a group of wasted assholes get you to the ground. Why?”

Neil was quiet. He was sitting in one of the two chairs in the room, and Wymack was in the other. He was waiting to be released and waiting for Andrew to get back from wherever he had gone and he couldn’t stand a second more of sitting in that bed. He looked down at his hands and thought of how much he should really burden Wymack with. In the end, he decided that not being honest was the catalyst for this whole thing, and he was sick of trying desperately to pretend that everything was fine.

“I’m going to tell you something. Okay? And I don’t want it to be weird. But it’ll probably be weird. But I feel like I should let you know anyway. So I’m sorry if its….weird.”

Wymack just raised an eyebrow and waited for him to continue.

“You’re the closest thing I have to a father. I know you’re not and I know you’re probably glad you’re not. But my own father was abusive and insane and now thankfully dead. I didn’t really understand family before I came here, but between you and Andrew and the rest of the team, I get it now. I know what it means. I just...panicked. When I heard the word cancer I panicked. I’m sorry. It wasn’t fair to you. I just didn’t know how to deal with the thought of losing the head of my family.”

Neil looked up at Wymack when he was done, but Wymack was looking at the floor. Neil cleared his throat.

“So, anyway. That’s not the only reason. My classes this year are hell and Andrew being gone has been harder than I thought it would be. But, that’s the main part I guess,” Neil said, and started to stand up when it seemed like Wymack wasn’t going to respond. He made it about an inch off of the seat before he remembered he could barely walk with how deeply bruised his legs were.

“Sit down, Josten,” Wymack grumbled. “Before you hurt yourself.”

Neil sat. Wymack looked at him for a long moment before speaking.

“I understand how you feel. Because if anything were to happen to you or Kevin or even Minayrd. If anything happened to any of you I don’t know if I could take it. You’re my family too, kid. I know I’m just your coach, but you know I’d do anything to make sure you’re okay?”

Neil nodded. “You’re not just a coach,” he said quietly.

“And you’re not just a player.”

****

Andrew finally arrived back at the hospital just in time for Neil to be discharged. He’d had something he wanted to do that day before he left for Denver again, and Wymack helped him make it happen.

“Where have you been?” Neil asked when he walked in. “I was worried you wouldn’t get back before they released me.”

“I had tabs on you. I was always going to be here.” It was true. Now that he realized healthcare workers could be paid off, he tipped a nurse to send him text updates on Neil.

Neil rolled his eyes and sat heavily in the wheelchair that was presented to him. Andrew knew he wanted to walk out himself, but he was still in a lot of pain. Abby and Wymack were waiting outside in Abby’s car, and Andrew helped Neil get situated in the back before getting in on the other side.

“Are we going back to Fox Tower?” Neil asked.

“No. We’re staying at Abby’s tonight and then we’re getting on a plane to Denver tomorrow,” Andrew answered calmly.

“What? I can’t go to Denver! I have classes and I’m already behind! I’ll miss practice! I have a game Friday!” Andrew loved when Neil thought he had a choice in a matter he clearly did not.

Wymack answered from the front, “I’ve already contacted your teachers. They’ve agreed to let you work online for the week. And as for practice and the game, you won’t be doing either of those things anyway.”

“But-”

“No,” said Abby. “You need to let the bruising heal and you’re coming off a concussion. You are absolutely not practicing or playing this week. Next week is the holiday anyway so go enjoy a vacation.”

Neil slumped back in his seat with a pout.

“That bummed to spend a couple of weeks with me?” Andrew asked. He couldn’t help himself. He needed the reassurance.

“Of course not. But you’ll have practice and a game this weekend.” Neil’s eyes went wide. “Wait, it’s a home game right? Can I come to your game?!”

“Yes, it’s a home game. Yes, you can come if you sit very still in the stands and don’t say anything stupid.”

“Wow, that’s a big ask,” Neil said, considering. He glanced at Andrew’s sleeve a moment later. “What happened to your arm?”

Andrew glanced down where the a bandage was poking out of his sleeve. “Nothing. I broke into your room and packed your stuff. So you should be good to go.”

“You-,” Neil huffed. “You could’ve just knocked you know.”

“But it was so fun to see the look on Fletcher’s face when I came in unannounced. He almost pissed himself,” Andrew had needed that laugh.

When they got to Abby’s, Neil and Andrew went straight to the guest room to lay down. Andrew helped Neil hobble to the bed and got him situated before kicking his shoes and jeans off and laying down on the other side.

“So are you going to tell me what happened to your arm?” Neil asked, and Andrew suddenly realized Neil may have thought he was cutting again.

“I didn’t hurt myself.”

“Then what?” Neil asked. He turned to his side to face Andrew, and Andrew just looked. He looked at the eyes that were the only part of his dreams that were ever in color. He looked at each freckle he could point to with his eyes closed. He looked at cheeks and chin he’d held between his hands so many times. He looked at the one stray curl that seemed to always fall forward, no matter what. And he looked at the lips. The lips of the mouth that could be so sharp and so frustrating but that had healed Andrew over and over. With soft kisses and soft words whispered after a nightmare. With hard kisses and hard words when he was splayed underneath Andrew, trusting and inviting and wanting. Andrew knew this face better than his own.

He pulled the sleeve of his shirt back and very slowly took off the bandage. He peeled it back and tossed it to the side and let his partner see. Neil sat bolt upright and grabbed Andrew’s wrist.

“Andrew…” he breathed.

Because right there, right in the corner of Andrew's left wrist at the very top was a very small ‘ _N_ ’. It was simple and small and still red around the edges.

Neil looked at him, teary eyed and devastatingly touched.

“Why?” he whispered.

Andrew sat up to face Neil and laced their fingers together.

“Because I wasn’t here. Because I can’t be here for you like I want to be. I can’t have you with me in Denver. I just wanted something with me all the time. I needed something tangible to ground me. One day, Neil. One day forever will start and it’ll be you and me and that’s it. That’s all we’ll ever have to worry about. But not yet. So for now there’s this,” Andrew said, and let out a shaky exhale. He was done now. Done not saying exactly what he wanted to say for fear of being too exposed. Too vulnerable.

“Is that all?” Neil asked, a small smile tucked into the corner of his mouth.

“And because I love you.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!  
> Come say hi to me on [tumblr!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/jtmann182)


	11. Healing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pure fluff and smut. These boys have been through so much, okay? I REGRET NOTHING.
> 
> Also, the song is All of Me by Ella Fitzgerald :)

“Oh, god,” Neil moaned. “Harder, Andrew.”

“I’m going as hard as I can,” Andrew replied through gritted teeth.

“I don’t care. _Harder.”_

Andrew pressed in harder, as hard as he could go. He could feel sweat starting to bead on his brow at the effort.

“FUCK. Yes, right here. Fuck, fuck, fuck. That’s it,” Neil panted.

“Yeah?” Andrew said, going harder still. “Just here?”

“Uuuuuuuuuuuuughhhh fuck.”

“Okay, I’m done,” Andrew said, dropping his hands from Neil’s body.

Neil turned around with fury in his face.

“What the fuck? It was just getting good!”

“Sorry. You want a massage go to a professional. My hands hurt and I do still have to hold a racquet or be destitute,” Andrew said, shaking out his hands. Neil’s upper back had been in knots since the fight and the stay in the hospital and the horrible plane ride.

Neil had only been here three days, and already they’d fallen into a comfortable routine. Andrew would wake up and make breakfast before he left for practice, Neil would roll out of bed right as Andrew was kissing him goodbye, he would eat the food Andrew left, try and catch up on school work, and be generally bored the rest of the day until Andrew came home and made them both dinner.

It was really, really nice.

This particular morning, Andrew didn’t have to go to the gym before practice, so he was leaving later than normal. Neil had roped him into a massage by asking, because that’s how he always roped Andrew into things.

“What do you want for breakfast?” Andrew asked, getting up from his spot behind Neil on the couch. Neil was sitting on the floor and drew his knees up to his chest with minimal pain, he was pleased to note.

“I don’t care. Whatever is fine. I can cook something, you know. I’m not totally useless here.”

“Yes, you are. I’m making pancakes.” Neil watched Andrew’s fit form disappear into the kitchen. He was shirtless in just a pair of sweats and Neil bit his lip. He wanted Andrew. He always wanted Andrew, but from the moment they were back in a bed together it’d been overwhelming. But Andrew was keeping his distance. Neil knew it was because he was still hurt. It didn’t make make him feel any better.

He got up carefully from his spot on the floor, wincing just a little. He was mostly okay except for his legs. They still hurt like a bitch from the bruising. There was bruising everywhere, but he had to use his legs the most.

Neil stepped into the doorway of the kitchen and leaned against the jamb, watching Andrew gather ingredients. Watched his muscles flex as he reached for something on tip toe in a cabinet. Watched him bend over to get milk out of the fridge. Watched him lick dry lips and run a hand through messy hair. Fuck, he was gorgeous. He wondered how he didn’t see it immediately when he met Andrew. He’d done enough curious research and self introspection to know that that’s just not how his sexuality worked, but still. It seemed so obvious now.

“Staring.”

“Yep,” Neil replied, pushing off the door and wrapping arms around Andrew’s waist where he stood at the counter, mixing batter.They were both shirtless and Neil reveled in the skin to skin contact.

“Why are you making things difficult? I’m trying to cook you food.”

“Mmmm, yes but we could be doing other things,” Neil punctuated this with a few well placed open mouthed kisses on Andrew’s neck. He grinned at the resulting shudder he felt go through his partner’s body.   

Andrew stepped out of his grasp and turned around with mixing spoon aimed in his direction. “No. Keep it in your pants. You’re only just able to walk and what? You want me to make it _harder_ for you walk?” his eyes narrowed slightly and he took a step into Neil’s space. “Is that what you want, Neil? You want me to fuck you until you come? You want me to make it hurt, just a little? The way you like it?”

Neil swallowed hard and he felt himself flush. Felt his eyes go wide.

“Yes?”

Andrew touched the tip of his nose with the spoon so that a dollop of pancake batter was left behind. “No. Go soak in the tub before breakfast. It’ll help your muscles relax some more.”

He turned back around like he wasn’t bothered a bit, and Neil obediently went to soak in the bath, rubbing batter off of his nose.

Andrew only had the one bathroom, but it was well equipped. The tub was big enough for Neil to stretch out in, which wasn’t a big ask considering his size. He filled it with water as hot as he could stand and slowly lowered himself in. Andrew was right, this felt amazing. He could feel his muscles softening in the warm water, and he idly ran a hand up and down his torso, feeling the scars there bump under his fingers.

His thoughts strayed back to Andrew. Back to the view of him shirtless in the kitchen. Back to those open mouth kisses that made him shudder under Nei’s mouth.

Neil’s hand moved lower.

He thought about the time Andrew fucked him at the beach house. About him being able to see Andrew behind him, brow furrowed and face flushed. Thought about Andrew’s cock stroking his prostate with every thrust.

He wrapped a hand around himself and squeezed, arching his back just a little.

He thought of -

“Neil?” came Andrew’s muffled voice through the door. “Pancakes are ready. Hurry the fuck up.”

Neil didn’t respond. He froze, one hand still wrapped around his cock and the other he was surprised to find on his nipple.

“Neil?” Andrew called louder and opened the door. Neil didn’t move. Some part of him, he decided in that split second, wanted Andrew to see him like this.

Andrew took Neil in. Looked pointedly at his erection and then looked back up into his eyes. He walked into the room leaving the door open behind him and leaned against the sink counter. He gestured towards Neil’s dick.

“Well, go ahead. Don’t let me stop you.”

“You’re just going to sit there and watch?” Neil asked, hopeful he would be inspired to join.

“Yes.”

Neil bit his bottom lip as was his custom in these sorts of situations, and gave himself an experimental tug. He looked back up at Andrew.

“Wrap your hand around your head,” he said. Neil obeyed. “Now twist your wrist and stroke it.”

Neil did, and sucked in a hiss at the sensation.

“Good. Now press your thumb into your slit. Feels good?” Neil’s eyes were closed, but he could hear the smirk in Andrew’s voice. He nodded “Grab your balls with your other hand and play with them. Don’t just squeeze, roll them around a little. Perfect. Look at you.”

Neil opened his eyes and looked down. One hand on the head of his cock and one hand on his balls. He was so close already.

“Now stroke yourself, root to tip. All the way. Slow down, let’s make this last shall we?” Neil slowed his hand and took a shaky breath. He kept pulling. Up and down up and down with Andrew’s instructions rumbling inside his chest.

“Are you close?”

“ _Yes_ ,” Neil whispered.

“Make yourself come.”

So Neil did. He quickened his pace and moved his hand from his balls back to his nipple, pinching it and rubbing it between his fingers. He closed his eyes again and felt his balls draw up, felt a spring ready to uncoil, felt himself coming undone.

And then he saw stars. In the blackness behind his eyes, with pleasure a cresting wave in his entire body. He could feel the hot streaks of his come on his belly where it had lifted out of the water at Neil’s arched back, and he ran a wet hand through it before opening his eyes and looking over to Andrew.

He was already gone.

***

“Ready for the game tomorrow?” Maxwell asked, sitting next to Andrew on a bench to put his shoes on.

They had just finished practice for the night, and Andrew was ready to get home to Neil. Being here was so much worse when he knew what he had waiting for him.

“I’m always ready,” Andrew said, because it was true. He never felt any more or less ready than he did at any other game. They would either win or they wouldn’t, and while Andrew needed to make sure he was made starting goalie eventually, he’d had to come to the conclusion that he couldn’t win the game by himself.

Maxwell laughed. “I know you are. Hey, a bunch of us are going out for drinks after the game. Come along?”

Andrew remembered his promise to Bee to try a little harder, to maybe have drinks with them. But Neil was here so oh well.

“Can’t,” Andrew replied. And after a slight hesitation, “Neil’s in town.” The whole team knew anyway. There was no point hiding it here. Maxwell was annoying, but not malicious. Andrew hoped by mentioning it he would lay off.

“Josten? Awesome! Bring him with! I’d love to meet him, he’s a hell of a striker.”

“No. Christina has already threatened me with murder if we’re spotted out together. Another time, maybe,” Andrew said, standing and grabbing his bag. Maxwell stood to.

“Hey, don’t worry about that. We go to a bar that puts us in a back room by ourselves where no one will bother us. No one will even notice an extra guy in a group of guys. It’ll be fine.”

Andrew sighed and rubbed his forehead.

“I’ll talk to him.”

Maxwell grinned and started to slap Andrew on the shoulder before he thought better of it.

“Perfect. It’ll be great, you’ll see. Johnson won’t be there because we all hate him. It’ll be fun!”

****

Andrew could hear the music from outside his door. What the hell was that idiot doing? It sounded like big band swing music and Andrew couldn’t imagine what could possibly make Neil want to listen to it. And loudly.

He unlocked the door and stepped inside. Neil came rushing out of the bedroom in nothing but black boxer briefs and white socks. He slid on the wood floors and came to a stop in front of Andrew with a grin on his face.

God he was stupid. And fucking hot. And so fucking stupid.

“What the hell-”

Andrew’s question was cut off when Neil grabbed him by an arm. Andrew was forced to drop his bag and Neil pulled him further into the room.

“Dance with me!” he said, all smiles and freckles and lean muscles.

“What are you even listening to?” Andrew said loudly, to be heard over them music.

“It’s Ella Fitzgerald obviously. Wow, so uncultured.” Neil spun himself in Andrews arms so his back was against Andrew’s chest and his head was against Andrew’s shoulder so he could lean back and look at him.

“I was forced to listen to so much music when I was making that video for you. Most of it’s still on my laptop. I like this one.”

 _All of me, why not take all of me?_  
_Baby, can't you see I'm no good without you?_  
_Take my lips, I'll never use them_ _  
Take my arms, I want to lose them_

Neil swung back around and took Andrew’s hands in his own.

“Come on sour puss. Move with me.”

Andrew gave a long suffering sigh and he rolled his eyes to the ceiling before reluctantly grabbing on to Neil’s hips and pulling him closer. They moved together to the upbeat music and before long, despite his best efforts to fight it, Andrew found himself laughing at Neil dancing around in his underwear.

When the song was nearing its end, they unsurprisingly found themselves chest to chest and forehead to forehead. Both breathing heavy from exertion and Neil smelling like he’d just gotten out of the shower.

“Welcome home,” Neil said, using the same breath Andrew was breathing to speak.

Then they kissed for a very long time.

****

“Here, put this on,” Andrew said, tossing Neil a Denver Thunder baseball cap.

“Embarrassed to be seen with me?” Neil mock pouted.

“Have you seen your face? People are going to think I beat the shit out of you if they spot us together.”

Neil huffed. They would not. Would they? He didn’t really know, he supposed. But even the notion that Andrew would lay a hand on him like this...he huffed again. People were so stupid. The fact that they had to hide this was stupid. Neil hated it. Was this what it was going to be forever? Baseball caps and sunglasses at night? Leaving in seperate cars? Would they not be able to live together if they ever managed to get on the same team and be in the same place? The thought made Neil’s chest tight with anxiety.

“Some of the guys want to go out for drinks after. Said you could come,” Andrew said, snapping Neil out of his thoughts.

“What? What happened to secrecy and not being spotted together?” he couldn’t totally keep the bitterness from his voice.

“There’s a private room at the bar. The team all know so it’s whatever. I don’t care one way or another. You’ve just been whining about how bored you’ve been and I’m sick of hearing about it. Go or don’t I don’t care.”

Yes, he did. Neil could tell.

“Yeah, sounds like fun. Come on let’s go before you’re late for warm-ups.”

They rode together to the game, Neil in a Denver Thunder hat and jersey to “blend in”. Andrew rolled his eyes when he came out dressed in one of his jerseys. Neil loved it. Loved having the number 10 and Andrew’s name on his back. He didn’t care if Andrew thought it was stupid.

“Meet me here after the game,” Andrew said, starting to turn toward the locker rooms. Neil grabbed his arm, and after a cursory look to make sure no one was around, kissed Andrew soundly on the mouth.

“Good luck.”

****

Neil sat in the friends and family section of the stadium that was specially reserved for the players to use. It wasn’t totally full, and the people who were there didn’t pay him any mind. He was glad.

He settled in to the seat and waited for the game to start. The stadium was huge. He remembered thinking how enormous the foxhole court was the first time he walked on to it, but this was at least twice the size of PSU’s court.

The game started, and Neil was lost in the play immediately. Andrew didn’t come on until the second half as usual, but when he did Neil’s heart leapt in his chest. Seeing Andrew jog to goal made him feel so damn nostalgic for their time at PSU, he couldn’t help but grin.

He watched Andrew take his place in the goal and he watched as, right before the buzzer sounded to start the game, Andrew lifted his wrist and tapped it to the mouth of his helmet. Right at the spot where his N tattoo was hidden under armor and gloves and sleeves. Neil put his hands to his mouth to stifle a gasp.

He thought that if he ever heard anyone ever refer to Andrew as souless or unfeeling again, he would gut them in a way very few people knew how.

The buzzer finally sounded and the game started. Andrew was a force. He blocked every single goal that came his way that night. And when he was pulled off the court only to be put back on in the very last minutes of the game. He tapped his wrist to his mouth again and Neil could only smile and put a hand over his heart.

He had no idea, with the very fucked up life he’d lived, how he’d ended up so lucky.

Denver won the game and Neil was on his feet with the rest of the fans clapping and cheering. As soon as he lost sight of Andrew, he made his way to the spot Andrew had told him to wait. He came out about half an hour later, freshly showered and looking tired.

“You were amazing,” Neil said, before he could speak. He grabbed Andrew’s wrist and brushed a thumb over his tattoo in silent recognition.

“Let’s go. Everyone’s riding together and I would rather die.”

Neil snorted and followed Andrew out to his car.  

****

Andrew found himself seated in between Neil and Maxwell, with a very expensive tumbler of scotch in front of him. The room they were in was spacious and well furnished. There were high tables with stools and couches with tables. Andrew was at one of the tables, his legs swinging where his feet couldn’t rest on the stool.

“It was fucking amazing,” Maxwell was saying, talking about some game or other PSU had played this year. “When you just ducked and spun under that behemoth of a backliner,” he put a hand to his chest, “it was magical.”

Neil just smiled and nodded. He wasn’t drinking tonight, since he was still having random dizzy spells left over from his concussion. Andrew wanted to laugh. Neil didn’t drink often, but he was willing to bet Neil sure wanted one right now.

Will Bridges, the starting goalie, was sitting with them as well. He eyed Neil and Andrew and asked, “So you two met at PSU?”

“Yes,” said Neil before Andrew could respond. Fine. Andrew would let him handle this conversation. He leaned back a bit on his stool and crossed his arms, throwing Neil a look. “We met playing Exy.”

“Ah, that’s so perfect. My wife and I met at a gas station,” Maxwell said sadly. “That’s not a romantic story.”

“The first time I caught sight of Andrew it was from the other side of an Exy racquet he’d just used to knock the wind out of me if it makes you feel any better,” Neil said, dead serious.

Bridges and Maxwell laughed and Neil looked like he wasn’t sure what was so funny.

“You had it coming, rabbit,” Andrew said, bumping Neil’s shoulder with his own.

“Yeah, yeah.”

Bridges looked at them fondly before saying, “I just want you two to know that I know how hard this is. I’ve been with my partner for 15 years, and it’s not easy having to hide it. If you ever need someone to talk to-”

“We’re fine,” Andrew said, downing the rest of his drink and sliding off the stool. “Come on. Let’s get home.”

“It was nice to meet you,” Neil said, waving.

“You, too!” Maxwell said cherrily. “Find me on facebook!”

“Oh, I don’t have a facebook. Sorry.” Maxwell laughed again like Neil had told a wonderful joke and Neil’s brow furrowed in confusion.

“What’s wrong with that guy?” Neil asked, once they were in the car. “Is he always like that?”

“Always,” said Andrew, squeezing Neil’s thigh with one hand and keeping the other on the wheel.

“So, when can we fuck?”

Andrew jerked the wheel and snapped his head to Neil.

“What’s wrong with you? Why do you open your mouth? Do you ever hear yourself and think _‘This is a bad idea’_ or do you just say whatever words your idiot brain supplies?”

“Okay, _husband_. So...is that an answer or?”

Andrew sighed and prayed for patience, pulling his car into the underground garage of his apartment building. They made their way up silently and without talking, both getting ready for bed when they got there.

They laid down together and faced each other.

“I wasn’t joking, you know. I want you,” Neil said running a hand down Andrew’s bare arm and squeezing the muscle there. Andrew caught his hand and brought it to his mouth.

“Do you understand that you’re still hurt?”

“Yes, but-”

“And do you understand that you could make your injuries worse?”

“ _Yes_ , but-”

“And do you understand that if I fucked you like I want to do right now and I hurt you, I would spiral into a black pit of doom and never allow myself to fuck you again?”

Neil’s eyes widened and his mouth opened just a bit. “Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh.”

“Okay. No fucking then. But there’s other stuff…”

“Neil-”

“No, really. At least let me make you feel good. You were fantastic tonight in goal,” Neil said, grinning at Andrew. Andrew raised a brow.

“Got you all hot, did it? Seeing me stop those strikers like they were nothing?”

“Seeing you do this every time you stepped in goal, more like.” Neil lifted Andrew’s wrist to his own mouth and kissed his tattoo. He sucked just a little and scrapped his teeth over it before leaning in to kiss Andrew. It started superficial. Andrew was determined to keep it that way.

Unfortunately, as with most things, Neil derailed those plans rather quickly. The kiss deepened and Andrew only pulled back when he realized Neil was trying to push him on his back.

“Hey,” Andrew said, stopping Neil’s progress. “I’m not going to let myself hurt you.”

“I know,” Neil sighed sadly. He laid back on his side facing Andrew and trailed a hand down his stomach. He let his fingers bump over Andrew’s abs and trailed them through the line of hair that trailed down, down, down to the point of his focus.

“Just this? This won’t hurt me. It’ll help me heal faster to get you off, I promise.”

Andrew studied him for a moment, but in the end he was powerless to it. He hated it and loved it at the same time.

“Yes.”

Neil resumed the path his hand was taking.He reached past the band of Andrew’s boxers and wrapped it around his prize. Andrew sucked in a breath. Neil used the precum already beading at the tip to make the glide of his hand a little easier and set a slow pace.

He watched Andrew’s face the whole time. Andrew wanted to look away. To hide. But he couldn’t. He surrendered to it. To Neil. Neil wanting to make him feel good and take care of him. All his life he’d been hurt and abused and shit on and it was hard sometimes to accept what Neil wanted to give him. It was easier now, though. Now that he had admitted that Neil was it for him. That this thing that they were doing was a thing that wasn’t nothing. It was everything. So Andrew held his gaze and wrapped a hand around the back of Neil’s neck and let his partner take him apart.

Neil’s pace alternated between fast and slow, bringing Andrew to the edge and then slowing down again. Andrew’s breaths were coming in shaky pants and right at the end, right as Neil’s hand grazed over his head and then made one long stroke up his length, he pressed their lips together hard and let himself come undone.

****

The next Wednesday saw them throwing bags into the backseat of the Maserati and making their way to the cabin to meet Andrew’s family. Nicky had wanted to come stay with Neil while Andrew was at practice during the week, but Neil shut that down pretty quickly. He had been bored most of the time with Andrew gone, but he needed the time to himself to regroup after everything that happened. He felt a lot steadier as a result. He was able to catch up in his classes and actually study the material he was struggling in. It wasn’t even difficult, really. It was just like everything else that had happened was blocking him from being able to see it.

The drive to the cabin was beautiful. It was snowing and the sun turned everything glittery.

“Let’s live in the mountains one day,” Neil said from his perch at the passenger window, his face practically smashed against it.

“Sure, if you want to be the one to shovel the drive everyday,” Andrew responded, wholly unimpressed.

“Shovel-what? We would obviously have a heated driveway. No one is shoveling anything. We’ll live in a cabin in the mountains where people have to be buzzed in if they want to see us and our house will not be huge because who needs all that space? But it’ll have three bedrooms.”

“Three? What do we need three bedrooms for?”

“One for us with a giant california king-”

“Neil? We’re tiny. Why do we need a california king bed?” Andrew asked, and Neil smiled at him calling himself tiny. He was just the right size, Neil thought.

“Let me finish. One for us with a california king, one extra in case one of us has a bad night and needs to sleep somewhere else, and one for the cats. Which is also why we need a california king. They’ll like to sleep with us when it’s cold.”

Yes, Neil thought. That would do nicely. They would also have a heated pool and a flat top stove with a griddle so Andrew could cook him breakfast every day.

Andrew shook his head, “Whatever you say.”

When they finally got to the cabin, Nicky was equal parts excited and horrified to see him. Neil forgot his face was still bruised.

“You should’ve seen him a week ago,” Andrew said, looking around at their home for the next couple of days.

Nicky pulled him into a hug. “At least tell me you did some damage, too?”

Neil scoffed. “I beat the shit out of that guy. Did you ever doubt me?”

Nicky smiled. “Not for a second.”

Aaron came in the room with Katelyn and they all exchanged polite, if not a little awkward greetings. Neil knew Aaron had been there when Andrew had gotten the call, knew Aaron rode with him to the airport. He felt like he should acknowledge it, but didn’t know how. Thanks for driving Andrew’s car back to the apartment? Thanks for understanding? In the end, he didn’t say anything until he ended up alone with Aaron in the living room after dinner when everyone else was scattered throughout the house.

“So,” he started, still unsure of where exactly he was going with this. “Andrew told me you were there when Wymack called him. So, um. Just, thanks I guess. For being there for him.”

“I didn’t really have a choice, did I?” Aaron answered.

“There’s always a choice.”

Aaron shrugged and looked back at the TV. After a few minutes he said, “So do you think this is it?”

“What?”

“You and him. Do you think this is it? Like...do you think you’ll always be together?”

“Yes,” Neil responded. No hesitation.

“Then there was no choice.”

***

Thanksgiving Dinner was chaotic. Nicky insisted on doing all the cooking, so Eric hovered around his shoulder making sure he didn’t set anything on fire or hurt himself in the process. Despite all that, Neil had to admit the food was good.

“See!” Nicky exclaimed. “I told you. I’m a great cook, right baby?” Nicky leaned into Erik and looked up at him, lashes fluttering.

“The best,” Erik replied, kissing Nicky on the forehead.

Katelyn giggled and Aaron wrapped an arm around her. “Katelyn made pie. It’s really good. I’ll get everyone some after dinner.” He gave everyone a pointed look that Katelyn missed that said _‘eat the fucking pie or I’m going to sulk the entire rest of this trip.’_

In the end, the pie was good too. Everyone but Andrew lavished her with praise, but Andrew ate an entire half by himself so Aaron was appeased.

“So,” Nicky said, standing at his seat at the table. “Erik and I have an announcement to make. We’re engaged!”

Everyone stared at them. Neil was confused.

“Haven’t you been engaged this whole time?” he asked. “Because I feel like you’ve been engaged this whole time.”

Nicky tsked. “Not officially! Now it’s official!” He held out his hand to show them the ring they had all somehow missed. Or Neil had missed. He figured even if Aaron or Andrew saw it, they wouldn’t say anything.

“The wedding will be in Germany and I expect all of you in attendance,” he said, beaming. Erik was grinning proudly up at him from where he was still seated and wrapped an arm around his waist.

Neil looked at Andrew and Andrew reached across the table to get at the last bite of pie. “Make sure it’s not when we’re in season,” he said, inclining his head toward Neil.

“ _Andrew,_ ” Nicky gasped.

Andrew snapped his head up to look at Nicky and followed his gaze right to the N tattoo. Andrew snatched his hand back and pulled his sleeve down.

“Is that a fucking tattoo?! Of an N?! Oh my god, what is happening? Did you guys get married or something?” Nicky was absolutely vibrating. Katelyn was craning her head trying to see and Aaron just stared.

“You two got married?” he asked.

“No!” Neil said. “Jesus Nicky, it’s not that big of a deal.” Andrew was silent. Neil knew he didn’t want to have this conversation.

“Do you have a matching one? Please tell me you have a matching one.”

“Didn’t you guys say something about a movie? You should hurry or you’ll miss it,” Neil tried, trying to distract from the issue at hand.

“Oh!” Nicky said, checking his watch. “Yeah we need to leave. You two don’t want to come?”

“No. We’ll stay and clean up,” Neil said, hoping to rush them out.

“Don’t fuck on the couch while we’re gone, okay! I want to sit on it later!” Nicky called, and Neil rolled his eyes.

In the end Neil managed to get them out in ten minutes and he silently started cleaning up while Andrew sat quietly at the table.

“You okay?” he asked, once he was done dumping dishes into the sink. “Why so quiet?”

“I don’t want you to,” Andrew finally said.

“Don’t want me to what?”

“Get a matching one. That’s not why I did it.”

“I know it’s not. And if I did get a matching one, it wouldn’t be to settle a score. It would be because I wanted to.” Neil grabbed his hand a flipped it so he could see the tattoo. It always gave him a little thrill. “Come on. Let’s go watch TV for a little bit. Just relax.”

Andrew nodded and allowed himself to be led into the living room and sat on the couch. Neil flipped until he landed on something that didn’t seem terrible and he threw the remote on the couch next to him. He threw a leg over Andrew’s lap and leaned back into the couch. It was big and soft and Neil felt himself getting drowsy.

“Hey,” Andrew said, shaking his leg a little. “Let’s go to bed.”

“No, I’m fine. Really,” Neil responded, sitting up and leaning his head against Andrew’s shoulder. He kissed his neck. “I don’t want to go to sleep yet.” He wanted to stay here next to Andrew and enjoy him on this very soft couch.

****

Andrew knew Neil was close to passing out, and was about to bodily pick him up and carry him upstairs when he kissed his neck again. His head moved to the side slightly to give Neil better access, completely against his will.

Neil was encouraged.

He sat up a little more and started in on Andrew’s neck in earnest. He ran a hand up Andrew’s shirt and he wanted to moan at the contact. But he didn’t. Because he was good at keeping it inside.

Neil’s mouth moved to Andrew’s mouth and Andrew was betrayed again when his mouth deepened the kiss without his explicit involvement. Neil moaned into his mouth and Andrew swallowed it down. He shifted so he could push Neil down beneath him and pulled away to search his face for an answer.

“Want to fuck on the couch while they’re gone?” Neil asked.

“Yes.”

Neil smiled wide, pleasantly surprised that Andrew had finally deemed him healed enough. Andrew caught his mouth again and Neil spread his legs wider, allowing Andrew the room he needed to slot himself in between. He ground their hips together and Neil locked his legs around Andrew’s waist, urging him on with the heel of his foot.

In a flurry of hot breaths and hard kisses, they both lost their shirts. In a fit of desperation and unsatisfying friction, they lost the rest. Naked and skin to skin, Andrew was flying. He sat up and pulled Neil on top of him so that he was straddling Andrew’s hips. He sank down on Andrew’s cock quickly, and this time he couldn’t hold it back. It’d been too long. He was too lost. He let out a long moan at the feel of Neil’s tight heat swallowing him.

“Fuck,” Neil said. “Fuck, you sound so good.”

And he started to move.

All Andrew could do was hold on for dear life while Neil rode him hard. His cock was rubbing against Andrew’s abs and Neil slapped his hand away when he went to wrap it around him.

“Not yet,” he panted. Andrew held on to his hips to still him and fucked up into him hard. Neil screamed and leaned back just a little. Just enough so Andrew knew he was hitting that spot that made Neil practically sob in pleasure. He kept going, harder and faster and dug his fingers into Neil’s hips and bit the closest bit of skin he could find.

Neil came yelling Andrew’s name, and Andrew followed him two thrusts of his hips later, spilling himself into his partner and resting his head on Neil’s chest, breathing heavily.

They stayed there silently for a few minutes, wrapped up in each other’s arms. Letting their hearts slow and synch.

“So, can I tell Aaron that we fucked on the couch? I’ll bet you a hundred bucks he won’t sit on it the rest of the trip.”

Andrew huffed. “Why do I keep you around when you insist on making my life more difficult than it needs to be? I should send you back to Palmetto. There you can think about what you had and what you lost with your very smart mouth.”

Neil laughed and grabbed Andrew’s ears in both hands, forcing his head up. He rubbed Andrew’s ear lobes and leaned in to rub their noses together.

“Andrew. Andrew Joseph Minyard. My heart. The literal reason I’m even alive today. You can throw me out of this cabin, this state, this relationship,” he leaned his head very close to Andrew’s ear and whispered, “ _but you can never unlick my asshole_.”

Andrew threw him off in one quick movement onto his back on the couch. He left him naked and laughing hysterically while Andrew stomped his naked way up the stairs.

Once he was safely behind the slammed door, he allowed himself a grin.

Because Neil wasn’t wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!  
> Come say hi to me on [tumblr!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/jtmann182)


	12. Plots

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY this took so long! Things over here have been so busy and I've been so exhausted BUT HERE YOU GO.

Neil had been back from Denver and on PSU campus for a couple of weeks, and he was feeling more centered and determined than he had all year. Being with Andrew for two weeks and being taken care of shifted something. Telling Wymack he saw him as a father shifted something.

Realizing what really happened with April _shifted_ something.

Neil had tried to contact April more than once, but it was no use. The phone number he had went straight to voicemail, and when he recruited Robin to help him try and track her down via social media, he had no luck. It was like she had scrubbed herself from everything, and Neil was worried. He had no idea what happened to her after she left PSU. He should’ve reached out sooner, but he had been so caught up in his own bullshit he was ashamed to say his biggest concern at the time was being down a striker.

He knew he had to make this right somehow. To get justice for April. His problem was that he had no idea how to do that. He’d talked to Andrew about it while he was in Denver, and Andrew was as non-committal and stone faced as ever. He wanted to know exactly who had hurt Neil. Had made Neil point out who he could in a picture of the football team. What Andrew was going to do with that information, Neil didn’t know. He didn’t really care very much either.

Let them burn.

He wasn’t going to face any disciplinary action for the fight because he succeeded in his self-defense story. That and he suspected Wymack was right; he was too valuable to the school for them to really do much about it. Unfortunately, that meant all that happened to Jones and the others who were caught was that they were benched for a game.

He was trying not to think about it. He was doing really well and he didn’t want to get distracted by things he had no control over. That was so freshman year.

Walking into afternoon practice that day, Neil smiled when he spied Wymack yelling at Jack about something or other. Wymack looked up when he walked in.

“Get that smirk off your face and change out, Josten,” Wymack barked. Neil just let out a laugh and went to change.

Wymack looked so much better. His face had healed up a bit and the scars were going to be brutal, but he didn’t look like Frankenstein’s Monster anymore. The scar pulled slightly at his eye, but other than that it was like none of it had ever happened.

Wymack got a clean bill of health. Neil could breathe again.

The two “hot spots” they found were benign and other than regular check ups and blood work, Wymack was off the hook. Neil called Kevin and apologized. Kevin was right and Neil was wrong and he just needed Kevin to know he understood.

They had a game on Friday, and this one would determine whether or not they made it to Championships in the spring. As long as they won by a margin of 3 points, they would be in and Neil was going to win by a margin of 3 points because he didn’t have a choice. They needed this win, but Neil needed it worse.

So they practiced and trained and pushed. Jack kept his mouth shut for once and everyone worked together cohesively. Watching this team finally click and come together was always his favorite part of the year. It just happened later than it should have this time.

****

“Hey, Minyard. Heard your boyfriend got the shit beat out of him. Get a little rough in the bedroom?”

Johnson was across the locker room. It was mostly empty, which made sense. No way he would make a slick comment like that with more witnesses.

The news of the fight had gotten out and was reported on PSU campus and brief mentions of Neil having a injury were made during sports commentary since he was not present for a game. Johnson couldn’t have known specifics though, unless he had been digging.

“Wow, Johnson. I’m so flattered,” Andrew shot back, bored. “The fact that you had to go looking for something to toss around. Honestly. The depth of your obsession with me must know no bounds. You sure you’re not into guys?”

Bullseye. Johnson’s face went red and he slammed his locker shut. Andrew had found in most situations, the best way to get under the skin of a homophobe was to insinuate the homophobe himself was gay. It worked too well every time.

“Shut your fucking face Minyard. Before I shut it for you.”

“Oh my!” Andrew said, looking up at Johnson. “Was that an advance? I’m so sorry Johnson, but I’m taken.”

Maxwell let out a loud crow of laughter and Andrew watched Johnson’s back as he stomped out of the locker room.

“Oh man,” Maxwell said, wiping a tear from his eye. “Can’t wait for you to beat the shit out of that guy one day.”

Andrew ignored him. He’d love to beat the shit out of Johnson. He’d love to get him on the ground and pound the homophobia out of him. But he wouldn’t. Because life didn’t work that way and the last thing he needed was to get arrested.

He grabbed his bag and went to make his way out of the stadium, but paused at the door. He _couldn’t_ beat the shit out of Johnson. But maybe he could do something that would be beneficial to more than just himself.

He turned around and made his way to Christina’s office. He almost knocked, but opened the door and went in without it. Because he knew it would piss her off.

She looked up from her computer and pushed her glasses to the top of her head when he walked in.

“Ah, _precioso_. Yes, of course come in. Thank you so much for knocking first you little shit. Would’ve served you right if my girlfriend was in here,” she grumbled.

“Why? Do you fuck your girlfriend in here? That’s not very professional.”

“Neither is aiming for Johnson’s helmet when you’re blocking the balls from the goal and yet here we are.”

Andrew gave her a two fingered salute in acknowledgement and sat in the chair across from her desk.

“What?” she asked. “If this is about your shoot this weekend, deal with it. I’ve rescheduled three times and I know Josten isn’t in town so you’re going.”

“Keeping tabs on me? Between you and Johnson I have quite the fan club.”

“Johnson? Jesus. What this time?” Christina rubbed her eyes and sat back in her chair.

“Oh, the usual. Found out about Neil and the fight and decided to make a smart remark about our sex life. His must be severely lacking.”

“He’s married.”

“Poor woman.”

Christina rolled her eyes. “Let me talk to management. He’s already been disciplined  for this so this should be interesting.”

“No,” Andrew said. “I have a better idea. I’d have to talk to Neil and I’d need your help.”

Christina narrowed her eyes at him and leaned forward, elbows on her desk. “I’m listening.”

****

Neil was trying to do homework and failing miserably when there was a frantic pounding on his door. When he opened it, Robin was standing there with her laptop.

“Have you seen Facebook?!” she asked, breathless.

“You know I haven’t,” Neil replied, immediately annoyed. “What’s the problem?”

“Oh no problem,” she said, smiling now. “You might want to sit down though.

Neil sat on the couch and Robin sat next to him, putting her laptop on his lap. It was opened to a page called ‘ _PSU DOUCHEBAGS EXPOSED’_. He looked at Robin with a raised brow.

“What the hell am I looking at?”

Robin leaned over and scrolled down to the first post. It was pinned to the top. There was a picture of Jones at some kind of party, his arm slung around the neck of a girl with her face blurred out and his hand on her breast. The caption read:

_‘Ryan Jones, star PSU Football player, is a known rapist. He thinks its fun to assault girls who are too drunk to consent and brag about it to his friends. Have an experience with King Douche? Post it here and let’s get this asshole expelled.’_

Neil’s jaw dropped. “Has April seen this?” he asked. He couldn’t believe this. The timing was perfect.

“I have no idea. She still won’t answer my calls. But look at the replies.”

Neil looked. There were already over 100 likes and 20 replies and the post had only been up two hours. All of them were stories of girls who had run ins with Jones and his cronies. They ranged from stories of them being general dick bags and cat calling or harassing girls, but some of them described sexual assault in the vaugest terms and Neil thought he might be sick. He kept scrolling past the post of Jones and found more posts of men on campus being accused of one thing or another. Some of them he recognized as the guys that were with Jones the night of the fight.

“Do you know what this means?” Robin asked.

“They can’t ignore it now. They have to do something about it, football player or not.”

Neil felt a smile stretch his lips. A cold one. This was better than anything he could’ve come up with. He hoped Robin saw this.

“Who do you think this was? It’s crazy this happened right after the fight. And we’ve been talking about what to do now that we know the truth. Talk about the universe lending a helping hand,” Robin said, grinning like she’d just received the best present of her life.

Neil stopped scrolling. It _was_ suspiciously good timing. He picked up his phone.

Andrew answered on the first ring.

_“I told you it would take care of itself.”_

“Seems like someone else took care of it for me.” Neil replied, his smile softer now.

_“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”_

“I love you.”

Andrew hung up. Neil moved the phone from his ear and looked down at it, still grinning. Robin making a choking sound. When he looked up at her, she was looking at him in astonishment.

“Did...did you just tell him you love him?”

“Yes. Come on, let’s see who else is on here.”

****

The page wouldn’t last long, Andrew knew. He didn’t need it to. He really just needed it to get enough attention for Jones to be expelled. He’d put out feelers via Renee. She knew Jones and she knew his reputation. Knew he had tried with Allison when he was a freshman before Renee stepped in and threatened to cut his balls off.

So Andrew knew all he had to do was put it out into the social media universe, invite PSU’s female population to join the page, and watch it catch fire.

It would be on the local news by tonight and probably shut down in a few days. It didn’t matter. The damage was done and Andrew was satisfied. Jones had gotten off easy, all things considered. He could’ve made sure he never played football again. He could’ve made sure he was never able to use his dick again.

This seemed like a good compromise.

Andrew put it aside and sat at his desk with his laptop in front of him. Neil was due to call any minute for their skype session. He’d had a game tonight so he’d probably be too tired to talk, but Andrew didn’t mind if it was short. Neil had told him he loved him today and as disgusted as he was with himself, he just needed to see his face.

The call popped up and Andrew answered immediately. Neil was at the desk they had moved into the bedroom for when someone needed extra quiet to study, and his hair was still wet from a shower. He was wearing a PSU jersey.

“We won,” he said in greeting. “We’re going to championships!”

He was so happy. God, he was an adorable idiot. He was trying to smother his smile but he couldn’t. It was too big and bright. This was his Neil. He was back and Andrew took a moment to feel so incredibly relieved before he answered.

“I know. I watched the game.”

“Oh, you did? What’d you think?”

“You need to stop antagonizing the backliners before you end up back in the hospital,” Andrew said, trying to make his tone as even as he could.

“But my husband visits me in the hospital and dotes over me. I’ve been considering renting a room whenever I’m feeling neglected.”

Andrew huffed. “End up back in the hospital and see how well that goes for you.”

“Okay,” Neil says, head cocked. “Hold on a second, let me grab this water off my dresser.”

He stood from his chair so that Andrew had a full view of his body, and Andrew jolted so hard he almost fell out of the chair.

Because Neil...Neil was very naked from the waist down.

“Are you fucking kidding me, Neil?” he choked out. He could not keep his tone even this time.

Neil bent down so he could look into the camera. “What? Oh,” he said looking down at himself. “So sorry. Must’ve forgotten my pants.” His smirk was taunting and he turned from the computer to make his way to the dresser. Andrew realized, seeing the back of the jersey, that it was his old PSU jersey. His cock twitched. Neil took an absurdly long time to get there and took a full 30 seconds to turn to the side and drink the water.

“Ahhhh,” he said when he was done. “Hits the spot.”

He sat back down at the desk like he hadn’t just shown Andrew his perfect ass and half hard cock and said “What were we talking about?”

“Where the fuck are your roommates?” Andrew asked through clenched teeth.

“Out. Partying. Who cares. It’s just me here,” Neil replied, biting his lip.

“Take off the fucking jersey and move the chair back.”

Neil leaned back in the chair and moved the bottom of the jersey up a bit. Andrew palmed himself through his sweats. Fucking tease. Seeing Neil in his jersey did something to Andrew he didn’t like to look to closely at. It felt awful close to possessiveness.

“But I like this jersey. Makes me think of you,” Neil said, looking at the camera through lidded eyes. He moved the shirt up a little more, and Andrew could see the tip of his now fully hard cock against his stomach and a teasing of abs.

“Leave it on then. Tell me what you think about.”

Andrew took himself out of his pants. He didn’t move his hand. Not yet. He wanted to see how far Neil would go with this.

Neil moved the chair back a bit so Andrew had a full view of his bottom half in the chair. He kept the jersey on, but moved his hand up and underneath so he could play with his nipples. His abs were now on full display and Andrew let out a hiss of breath. Neil smirked again. Andrew wanted to put that mouth to use.

“Tell me,” Andrew said again. He was horny and angry and so fucking gay for Neil right now he didn’t know how he was making any sense.

“Whenever I have to touch myself, after I watch your games or after we get off the phone and I still hear your voice, I always imagine it’s your hands on me,” Neil said. He was stroking himself idly. Not with any intent at the moment. Just to feel it. Andrew did the same.

“That’s all?”

“Sometimes I think of you inside of me. Making me feel so full and so warm. I love it, Andrew. I love when you’re inside of me.”

“Do you finger yourself?”

“Sometimes.”

Andrew’s hand stopped it’s ministrations on his cock. He didn’t expect Neil to say yes to that. He knew his partner loved it when he did it to him, but he didn’t realize he’d ever done it on his own.

“Show me.”

Neil stopped too and looked from his dick directly into the camera. “What?”

“Show me how much you love it.”

Andrew could see Neil visibly swallow. He didn’t move for a few seconds.

“You don’t have to,” Andrew said. “You know that. You never have to if you don’t want to.”

“No, I - I know. I want to. Just...hold on.” Neil stood again and for just a second, his hard and leaking cock was on full close up display on Andrew’s computer. He wished he’d been able to screenshot it.

Neil moved the computer onto the rolling chair and moved it to the bed. He dug around until he found a bottle of lube and settled himself so his back was against the wall and his legs were spread, knees up.

“Can you see?” he asked Andrew softly.

“Perfectly.”

“Okay,” Neil said, a little breathless. “Talk to me while I do it. I always imagine your voice talking to me.”

“Put the lube on your fingers, Neil.”

Neil did.

“Now rub them over your asshole. Don’t push in yet.”

Neil did that, too. He was so good. So responsive. He moaned at the contact.

“Now push in. One finger. Good. Stroke yourself at the same time.” Neil did all of it, and Andrew watched him squirm. Andrew kept expecting him to close his eyes, but he never did. He looked directly at the camera the whole time. Directly into Andrew’s eyes.

Andrew kept instructing him. Add another finger. Now another. Find your prostate. There you go. Andrew watched Neil ride his own hand and when he was getting close, he made sure Neil was getting close too.

“Let’s come at the same time,” Neil panted, stroking himself roughly and fingers still in his ass. Andrew knew his wrist had to be hurting, but he didn’t seem bothered.

Andrew let a groan slip as he quickened the pace on his own cock and Neil lost it.

“Fuck, Andrew,” he whined. “ _Fuck._ ”

He came on his hand, and so did Andrew. They stayed still for a few seconds, and Neil slowly straightened his legs out on the bed, wincing slightly. Andrew took his shirt off and cleaned himself up with it, tossing it to the side of the room. Neil started to take his jersey off.

“Don’t you dare use that jersey to clean up your cum.”

Neil laughed. “I wasn’t going to. It’s just really fucking hot in here.” He took it off and put it aside, and found a towel hanging on the edge of the bunk to clean up with.

“I miss you,” Neil said, still on the bed.

“I miss you, too,” Andrew said, still on the chair. Because he did and Neil should know. “Christmas is soon, though. You still haven’t told me what you want to do.”

“You.”

“Yes, yes I’m irresistible. I don’t know how you held out for so long against my prowess quite honestly, with all the sneering and fucking with you I did.”

Neil slid from the bed to the floor in an attempt to find clothes, Andrew assumed. “I have no idea either, honestly.” He sounded dead serious and Andrew wanted to laugh. Instead he brought up the reason he wanted to have this call in the first place.

“So,” Andrew said. “I need to talk to you about something.”

“Jesus, Andrew. Can I put my dick away first?” Neil said, looking back up at the computer from the floor.

“No. Leave it out. It calms me.”

Neil rolled his eyes and sat down cross-legged on the bed, which was somehow so sexy Andrew almost forgot what he was going to say.

He cleared his throat.

“About Mark Johnson. I have a proposition for you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!  
> Come say hi to me on [tumblr!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/jtmann182)


	13. Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Andrew talks about how he sees color in this chapter, and this comes from a one shot I wrote when I first started writing. It's [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16752982/chapters/39303319) if you want to read it!
> 
> Also, Andrew's hip freckle belongs to [this](https://bloodydamnit.tumblr.com/post/183508012384/bloodydamnit-hello-everyone-here-is-my-first) amazing piece by bloodydamnit. Legit I thought about that hip freckle for way too long. :)

Neil stood outside of Andrew’s door and stared down at the key in his hand. He was here for Christmas because Andrew had team obligations he couldn’t get out of, and he was suddenly struck by how comfortable this place had become to him.

Andrew rarely came to Palmetto. Partly because it was harder for him to get away and partly because they would have no privacy if he did. He cursed the cousins again for selling the Columbia house too early.

Shaking himself out of his thoughts, he unlocked the door and made his way inside. The lights were off and it was warm in the apartment. Neil unraveled his outer layers and shook some of the snow off himself before making his way to the kitchen. He peeked in the fridge. He peeked in the freezer. He made a note of the contents and went to take a shower.

Andrew wouldn’t be home from practice for a few hours. Neil knew this and still took the earliest flight he could. He wanted to be here in this space that held Andrew’s presence for as long as he could. He wanted to use Andrew’s body wash in this shower and he wanted to put on Andrew’s clothes and sleep in the sheets that smelled like his partner.

This apartment was Andrew’s. He lived here and slept here and had skype sex with Neil here. But it still felt like _their_ space somehow. Neil had his own coffee mug and his own set of toiletries in the bathroom (he still used Andrews. Partly because he liked the way it smelled and partly because he knew it drove Andrew crazy). He kept clothes here so he didn’t have to pack so much if he stayed for longer than a few days. He had a side of the bed and he had a pillow and he had a blanket on the couch for when he and Andrew lazily watched TV because Andrew liked to cocoon himself in the blankets and did not like sharing.

Neil finished his shower and toweled off. He padded his way to Andrew’s closet. He thought about stealing back his PSU hoodie, but dismissed the idea.

He liked the thought of Andrew in his clothes.

So instead, he opened the door to Andrew’s walk in closet, determined to steal something of his partners that was comfortable enough to sleep in.

He walked inside to head for the drawers and glanced at a heavy jacket hanging in the back on the wall. He did a double take when he saw a note pinned to the sleeve.

_‘because I know you’re an idiot that didn’t bring a thick enough jacket’_

Neil laughed. Andrew was such an assohole. But he was also correct. Neil was still hanging on to the jacket Nicky had gotten him his freshman year, and he didn’t own anything thicker than that. A Denver winter was not the same as a Palmetto winter, and Neil wanted to run straight back into the airport when the doors slid open on his way out and a gust of freezing wind and snow hit him in the face.

He’d been in worse and colder weather plenty of times with his mom. But he was out of practice.

He took the jacket off the hanger and tried it on. It fit perfect, of course. The sleeves were the right length and everything, which was next to impossible to achieve. He hugged it around himself for a moment before putting it back on the hanger and continuing his journey for Andrew’s clothes.

Once he was dressed in a pair of soft Nike pants and a long sleeve shirt that he made sure covered him down to his wrists, he crawled into the bed, burrowed under the blankets, and stole Andrew’s pillow for himself.

He was home.

****

Andrew came home to find every light in the apartment on except the bedroom, and a sleeping Neil in the bed. He vaguely noted that Neil was wearing his clothes and made a mental note to give him shit for it later.

He dumped his gear in the corner and started to get undressed. Shoes. Socks. Pants. Shirt. And after thinking about it for a second, armbands. He never really wore them in the house anymore. He didn’t need to hide his scars from Neil. There was no secrets or shame between them. Not anymore.

He made his way around the bed and slid under the covers as quietly as he could. They both knew this was a good way to get punched in the face, but neither of them could ever resist taking the risk.

Andrew laid down facing Neil. He wasn’t tired. He probably should be after practice, but he was very much awake at the moment. He took in Neil’s face and vaguely wondered if he’d managed to kiss every single freckle yet. If he’d get more freckles as they got older, or if they would fade by the time they were both old and gray. Then he thought about what it would be like to get old with Neil. To die with Neil.

And then he stopped because what the fuck?

Neil cracked an eye open and squinted at Andrew.

“Staring,” he mumbled. He closed the eye again and pulled the blankets up higher around his ears. Andrew snaked a hand under the blanket and slid it up Neil’s neck and into his hair.

“Now you know how it feels.”

“It feels wonderful. I’m so beautiful, Andrew. You can’t help but stare,” Neil said, voice sleep rough and eyes still tightly shut.

Andrew did not answer. Because although they had shared a lot of truths in the years they’d been together, saying some things out loud still made Andrew feel vulnerable in a way he wasn’t comfortable with yet. Because, yes. Neil was the most beautiful creature Andrew had ever laid eyes on, and he hadn’t been able to help staring when Neil wasn’t looking since the very beginning.

Andrew rubbed Neil’s scalp with his fingers just to hear Neil hum in pleasure before pulling him in for a kiss. Neil tried to deepen it, but Andrew pulled back.

Not yet.

“You need to get up,” Andrew said quietly.

“Why? You’re here now. We can sleep all day if we want to.”

“Because you’re drooling on my pillow.”

Neil grinned, eyes still closed and rubbed his face into the pillow. “Yours is softer. I like it better.”

“Okay, then how about you’ve been lounging around in my clothes since 9AM and it’s almost three now.”

Neil’s eyes popped open and Andrew’s stomach flipped at the sudden icy blue locked on him. He sat straight up in the bed and looked at Andrew with one side of his hair flat against his head and the other side sticking up in different directions. Brows furrowed and a deep frown.

“How the fuck did I sleep so long? I was going to go to the store and buy food for you. I was going to buy you ice cream,” Neil pouted.

“Hey, don’t let me get in your way. Who am I to deny you anything? Go now. Go get the ice cream. It’s so fucking cold outside you won’t even have to worry about it melting on the way back,” Andrew said before stealing his pillow back, flipping it over, and flopping down on it like he was going to sleep. He wasn’t, of course.

“Hmmm, no. I think I’ll stay here.” Neil laid back down and turned his back to Andrew. He wiggled his ass until he was in perfect spooning position. Andrew scoffed. And then he wrapped an arm around Neil’s waist and pulled him flush against his chest. Kissed the back of his neck. And slept even though he was not tired.

****

Andrew’s team obligations meant that the lazy day they spent in bed napping and kissing and being all around immune to the outside world was short lived. Andrew had to make a showing at a charity of his choosing, he had a team holiday party he was expected to attend as this years rookie, and there was a game on Christmas eve. All of this on top of still having regular practice. Christmas day he was blissfully free, so Neil was hoping they could have a repeat of the lazy day. Except with more nakedness.

First item on the agenda was the charity. Andrew was surprisingly amenable. He let Neil pick which one he would volunteer at. He suggested at risk teens the first go round, but Andrew declined. Neil knew he donated to an organization in Oakland that provided counseling and shelter for at risk youth, but the idea of spending time with the kids and trying to be someone they could relate to and look up to? It was too much for Andrew right now. He said he felt like he was still trying to work his own shit out, he didn’t think he’d be a good role model for some other poor kid out there.

Neil silently thought it might be triggering to Andrew, too. To listen to the stories of these kids. “One day, maybe.” Andrew had said. So Neil nodded and suggested a local animal shelter instead. Seemed safe enough for both of them.

Because Neil was coming and Andrew couldn’t stop him.

He called Christina on the way to tell her where they were headed. He had her on speaker so Neil could hear the conversation being had.

“The Denver County Animal Shelter,” Andrew was telling her. “We’re on the way now. Neil called to make sure they were open and accepting volunteers.”

‘ _Neil? You’re bringing Josten?_ ’

“Hi, Christina!” Neil said cheerily from the passenger seat. Neil could practically hear her rolling her eyes.

 _‘Ay Dios mio. You love to make my life difficult, don’t you? How am I supposed to send a photographer out there to get pictures of you cuddling cats if your boyfriend is there? ‘I want to keep this quiet for as long as possible, Christina’,_ ’ she mocked, and Neil had to bite his lip to keep from laughing.

“First of all, I don’t love making your life difficult. It’s just a natural consequence of who I am as a person. Second of all, I’m not cuddling cats or anything else at that fucking shelter so it won’t matter.”

 _‘Fine. I won’t send anyone. But you better post something to social media. Management will notice if you don’t. And get ready for all the best bros posts that are going to come out about you guys if anyone there decides to snap a picture._ ’

“I’m sorry, was I the only one in your office when we made plans?”

Silence for a beat and then, _‘No. But things have to happen in a certain order for this to work, Minyard._ ’

“It doesn’t matter. I’ll text you when we’re done.”

Andrew hung up the phone and glanced at Neil. “You sure you’re okay with this?”

He meant the plan. They had been over it over and over and over again, and Neil was sick of talking about it. He’d made up his mind and Andrew had respected it and now they could move forward together. And maybe get a bonus in the process.

“Yes, I’m sure. Ask me again and I’m dumping all the ice cream I just stocked your freezer with. Don’t tell your dietician, by the way. She’ll think I’m sabotaging you.”

“I’m not telling her shit. No ice cream,” Andrew said with a huff. “It’s a hostile work environment, is what it is. I’m just trying to live my life, Neil. That’s all.”

“I know, dear,” Neil said, patting Andrew’s thigh. “The world is cruel.”

Neil watched as the corner of Andrew’s mouth lifted just a little. It gave him a little thrill every time he saw it.

“It’s not the world that’s cruel,” Andrew said, squeezing Neil’s hand where it rested on his thigh. “It’s the people in it.”

****

Andrew made a mistake letting Neil pick the charity. While he was cleaning shit out of cat cages, Neil was in the floor cooing at 5 cats, all slinking their way around him and trying to climb into his lap at the same time.

“Enjoying yourself while I’m scrubbing cat shit out of cages?”

“Yes, thank you. This is just what I need after the incredibly stressful day I had yesterday,” Neil said, not even bothering to look up.

“You mean the day you spent laying around in my clothes, eating my food, sleeping in my bed?”

Neil did look up at that. “ _Your_ bed? That’s _our_ bed. How dare you, I’m so offended. I need one of these cats to make it better.”

He picked one up so he was nose to nose with it. “Yes, this one I think. Look a her!” Neil turned her around so she was facing Andrew. She was fat and gray and looked pissed at the world. “She reminds me of you. Look at that face.”

Andrew rolled his eyes and went back to cleaning. The sooner he could get out of here the better.

“I’m serious, can we get one? I’ve been saying you need a cat since you moved and Bee agrees with me.” Neil had turned the cat back around and was petting her in long strokes from her head all the way to the end of her tail.

“Bee? Are you two talking about me now? That’s a direct breach of doctor/patient confidentiality,” Andrew said, pausing in his scrubbing again to give Neil a glare. He didn’t really think Bee would discuss anything in detail, but he didn’t like the idea of them having conversations about him he wasn’t privy to.

“Of course not. Believe me, I’ve tried. She’s like Fort Knox.”

Andrew snorted.

“You told me she said so. You’re not the only one with a good memory.”

“Your memory may be good, but it’s also apparently short. I told you then and I’m telling you again. I’m not getting a fucking cat. Who would take care of it when I’m traveling? Don’t they have to go to the vet and shit? I’m not fucking doing that. Go get your own cat when you get back to South Carolina.”

Andrew finished the cage he was cleaning and dropped the disinfectant and cloth he was using into the bucket. He was taking the latex gloves off his hands when he looked back at Neil.

“Come on, Andrew. They’re really low maintenance. You’re never gone for that long, she’d be fine. I think you’d like it. Having something there to take care of,” Neil said the last part with as much patheticness as he could muster, eye wide and blue and pleading. “It would be nice.”

“Absolutely not.”

***

Two hours and a lot of sulking later, Neil got into the Maserati very carefully with the cat carrier provided by the shelter. Neil made Andrew take a picture with the cat for social media so Christina would be nice to them.

“We have to go to the pet store. She needs toys and food and a bed and bowls and one of those things that’s really tall that cats like to jump on. What are those things called?”

“How the fuck am I supposed to know? This is _your_ cat. You’re taking it back to Palmetto with you,” Andrew replied, shooting a glare at the cat carrier.

Neil laughed and tipped his head back against the seat. He turned it to the side to look at Andrew and smiled. Andrew shot him a glare, too.

“You’re going to love it. You’ll see.”

After a trip to the pet store where Neil left Andrew in the car grumbling about needing a cigarette and he went into the store to buy what they needed, they made several trips up and down the elevator with everything Neil had bought.

“Jesus, did you leave anything in the store?” Andrew asked, eyeing the mountains of bags.

“No, I cleaned them out they have to close for good now,” Neil replied, pulling out various toys and testing them on the cat and snapping pictures on his phone. “Oh, she likes this one,” he said, regarding some sort of stick with a feather on the end.

Neil texted a picture of their new pet to the group chat. Andrew froze when his phone pinged.

“You didn’t.”

Neil smiled sheepishly. Andrew turned to walk out of the room like he couldn’t even stand the sight of Neil.

“I hate you.”

“I know.”

Neil checked the messages that were coming in rapid fire from the other foxes.

_Nicky: YOU MADE ANDREW GET A CAT NEIL WHAT KIND OF SORCERY_

_Matt: This is your child now. Welcome to fatherhood. pls give my grandcat a kiss_

_Dan: boy/girl?_

_Neil: girl_

_Matt: A GRANDDAUGHTER #blessed_

_Nicky: WHAT’S HER NAME TELL ME NOW_

_Neil: No name yet._

_Nicky: LET’S PUT IT TO A VOTE_

_Aaron: idc_

_Nicky: No one asked you aaron._

_Renee: She’s adorable. I agree she needs a name._

_Nicky: POLL TIME: SIR FAT CAT MCCATTERSON, BING CLAWSBY, BRAD KITT_

_Kevin: You should name the cat Steve after Steve Howard who was the best striker in exy history_

_Nicky: SHUT UP KEVIN_

_Dan: shut up kevin_

_Matt: shut up kevin_

_Aaron: i still don’t care but seriously kevin stfu_

_Nicky: VOTE_

_Dan: 1st one_

_Matt: Sir Fat Cat 100%_

_Allison: I like Brad Kitt because it will annoy minyard the most_

_Andrew: fuck u_

_Renee: I like Sir Fat Cat as well._

_Andrew: traitor_

_Nicky: IT IS DECIDED. SIR FAT CAT MCCATTERSON WELCOME TO THE FAMILY._

Neil was still smiling at his phone when Andrew walked back into the room.

“No.”

“I thought this was _my_ cat?”

“She’s a girl. Why would we call her Sir?”

Neil bit down a smile at ‘we’. “Why not? Her name is Sir Fat Cat McCatterson and that’s all there is to it. What’s for dinner?”

“My foot in your throat. Get all this shit out of here,” Andrew said, gesturing to the plethora of cat goods Neil had spread out in front of him.

“Yes, dear!” Neil called to Andrew’s retreating back. Honestly, it was too easy sometimes.

****

Neil did not join Andrew for the team Christmas party. It was a publicized event and the media would jump on it if Andrew’s old teammate was spotted with him at a Christmas party for his new team. It would be too obvious for what they were trying to do. So, Andrew left Neil laying on the couch in his underwear with kiss and a glare at the cat and made his way to the stadium for the party.

If you wanted to call it a party. Which Andrew did not. It was the team and management and PR and a few members of the press interviewing his teammates about what Christmas meant to them and what charities they were working with this year. Andrew avoided them all. He leaned against the wall by the table of food with his arms crossed and checked his watch every ten minutes to see when he could finally get out of there.

Andrew looked over when he felt someone lean against the wall next to him. It was Johnson and Andrew couldn’t help the sharp grin that bloomed. He was making this so convenient. Andrew should thank him.

“What’s wrong, Minyard? You and your fag boyfriend get into a fight over who gets to bottom?” Johnson said quietly. Andrew should have beat him into the ground for that. Should have taught him an important lesson in manners. But he didn’t. Because it would go against the plan, and someone was walking up near Johnson and Johnson hadn’t noticed yet.

“You know,” Andrew started, “I just can’t help but wonder why you’re so interested in my sex life, Johnson. Your wife looking for tips on how to peg you for your birthday?”

Johnson’s eyes went wide and his face went red. “I’m going to fucking destroy you. You won’t be on this team by the end of the season, I can promise you that. Then you can go be a disgusting fucking homo somewhere else.”

“Excuse me?” It was Christina and she was fuming. “I’m so sorry, I must’ve misheard you because I’m almost positive you’re still in deep shit for the last bit of vulgarity you spewed.”

Johnson spun around and faced Christina. “Of course you would take his side,” he mumbled, storming off and shoulder checking Christina along the way. Andrew started to move after him, but Christina held him back with a hand up in front of him. Not touching him, but enough to get him to pause.

“He’s not worth it and we have this figured out, right?”

“Yes.”

“Then let it go. If things go the way we want them to he won’t be able to defend himself.”

Andrew let out a huff of air. She was right. He was patient. He _had_ to pull this off.

“You and Josten coming for drinks after?” she asked when she could see that he had calmed down.

“Will Johnson be there?”

“Probably.”

“Then yes.”

***

A few hours later, Neil found himself nervously pulling his sleeves down over his wrists in the Maserati while Andrew drove them to the same bar they were at last time.

Andrew glanced over at him. “You’re sure about this?”

“Yes, I’m sure. I’ve been saying it from the beginning Andrew.” Neil’s nervous leg jiggle told a different story, but he wasn’t lying. He hated Johnson as much as Andrew did that this point.

They walked into the bar and straight into the back room. There were a few team groupies on the main area. Fans who hung out here in hopes of snagging a player. Andrew and Neil looked straight ahead and made their way to the private room the team was in. The found Christina and Maxwell on a couch and went to join them.  

“Johnson here?” Andrew asked as he sat down.

“Yep,” said Maxwell. “In the corner sulking. I think he and his wife are fighting again.”

“Imagine that,” Neil said dryly. Maxwell laughed and Christina held out a hand to him.

“Josten. I’m Christina. I feel like I know you through this one but we haven’t officially met.” She smiled warmly and Neil couldn’t help smiling back. He already liked Christina, just from what he’d heard from Andrew. She seemed honest and trustworthy.

“Yeah, me too. Thanks for keeping him out of trouble,” he said with a nod towards Andrew. Christina snorted.

“ _Is_ there any keeping him out of trouble? I have yet to find a way.”

“I understand,” Neil nodded solemnly. “He’s such a bad influence on me. It’s been nothing but drama since we met. I was such a nice, well adjusted guy too.”

Andrew actually chuckled at that and everyone within hearing distance turned to stare. He looked at Neil with a smile still on his face and Neil could feel his own face go hot. Smiles that genuine and carefree were so rare, Neil couldn’t help but stare.

“Oh. Oh you two are really it, huh?” Maxwell said, eyeing them. They both turned to look at him at the same time and his smile died a little.

“We’re going to go get drinks,” Andrew said, grabbing Neil’s hand and pulling him up. Neil came easily and they made their way to the back towards where Johnson was sulking.

“ _Now?_ ” Neil whispered.

“Now or never. You’re sure?”

“Yes, I’m fucking sure. Stop asking.”

So Andrew stopped. And pulled Neil to him. And kissed him in full view of the room and Johnson. There were a few catcalls and cheers, but Andrew ignored them. He pulled away and scanned Neil’s face and looked over his shoulder at Christina.

She nodded and that was all the confirmation he needed.

****

Christmas Eve meant Andrew had a game. It was a throwaway game, basically. They were playing a team they were guaranteed to beat for no other reason than it would get the fans to spend more holiday money buying tickets and team merchandise. Andrew was just ready to get home and be alone with Neil.

They hadn’t had sex since he’d been in town. Andrew didn’t feel like he was all the way in the right head space for it and Neil didn’t push because he never pushed. It’s not that anything happened. He’d been relatively nightmare free lately and he felt stable enough. It frustrated him that he couldn’t explain or put a pin in what exactly it was. But this was his normal. So they’d stuck to kissing this time.

One thing Andrew was learning slowly about intimacy was that it wasn’t always about getting off. Sometimes it was Neil curled up next to him in bed or Neil running long fingers through his hair and scratching his scalp or Neil massaging his palm. Bee had to help him here. He didn’t know what intimacy meant beyond sex and he didn’t understand why it was important.

He understood better now.

The buzzer for the game sounded and Andrew jogged to his position in the goalie box. He was starting today instead of Bridges. He didn’t know why, but he didn’t question it.

Right before he took position he scanned the friends and family section of the stadium. He spotted Neil in in the front row, Thunder hat on but auburn hair still visible. A Minyard jersey. And a smile Andrew could see all the way from across the stadium. They locked eyes and Andrew very deliberately lifted his wrist to his mouth and kissed the N tattoo. Just like he always did every single time he was in this box. It was a reminder of why he was here.

And he watched as Neil, also very deliberately, lifted his own wrist and kissed it in the exact same spot. He stood staring for a second, trying to puzzle out exactly what that meant, until the second buzzer sounded and he pulled his helmet down to cover his face.

****

Andrew started the game and finished the game, and although the other team was obviously not in the same league as the Thunder, it was still a good game to watch. Andrew was a force like always, and every time he stepped in the box, he kissed his wrist.

And Neil kissed his right back. Grinning at Andrew trying to figure out what the fuck he was doing.

Denver won by eight points to nobody's great surprise, and as Neil stood up to cheer with the rest of the stadium as the two teams were shaking hands, he saw a flash out of the corner of his eye.

He turned to look but there was only a woman sitting a few seats down from him. Neil assumed she belonged to one of the players, but he didn’t recognize her. Not that he would have reason to. The only spouses he’d met were Maxwell’s wife and Bridges’s  husband at the bar the other night. She was looking at her phone and not paying attention to Neil or to what was going on on the court floor.

He left immediately. He hadn’t spent years paranoid and looking over his shoulder for no reason.

He met Andrew in the same spot they always met in. There were no after game drinks tonight since it was Christmas eve, so they’d be able to go straight home, which Neil was thankful for. They’d been busy this trip and Neil wanted some time to just be next to each other.

He stood waiting with his hands in his pockets. A few players trickled out and nodded or waved to him and he nodded and waved back. Johnson came out, and Neil was immediately tense.

But he just looked at Neil and smiled a predatory smile. “Enjoy it while it lasts,” Johnson said looking straight ahead again and continuing to walk with a purpose. Neil wanted to spit on him.

Andrew finally came out with an intent gaze that made Neil bite his lip to hide a grin. He stopped in front of Neil and crossed his arms over his chest.

“Did you?”

“Did I what? I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Neil started to walk away, but Andrew grabbed his wrist to stop him.

He pushed up the sleeve of the shirt Neil was wearing under the jersey and stood quietly for a minute, staring. There it was. A tiny ‘A’ in the same spot Andrew had his ‘N’. Andrew looked up and locked eyes with his partner. He ran a thumb over the tattoo a few times.

"How have I missed this the whole time you've been here?" Andrew asked, almost angry.

"I was careful."

“I told you I didn’t want this.”

“You told me you didn’t want me to get it only because you got one first. That’s not why I did it,” Neil said, meaning it.

“Then why?”

“Because I’m not home unless I’m with you. And this reminds me that one day we’ll be in the same place and one day forever will start. You keep me going, Andrew. When I look at this I remember. This is not forever. But one day it will be.”

Andrew just stared at him. The only tell of any emotion a furrowed brow. Still holding on to Neil’s wrist, he pulled him to the car so they could make their way home.

****

Andrew and Neil were both determined to spend Christmas day doing as little as humanly possible. They woke up late, ate too many pancakes (Andrew did anyway) and watched TV. They napped. They snacked. Neil played with the cat and Andrew did not think it was cute and he definitely didn’t snap a picture or two.

They ordered Chinese for dinner and after they ate they laid together on the couch in a satisfied haze of limbs and mouths and hands. Andrew was so fucking content right at this moment, he almost wanted to call Bee just to see her proud face.

“So, do you want your present now?” Neil asked against Andrew’s neck. He wasn’t kissing it. Just laying with his head pressed there and his hand idly stroking Andrew’s stomach under his shirt.

“I thought the tattoo was my present?” Andrew said, eyes closed and nap ready.

“Hmmm no. Although it hurt enough it should be all your presents forever.”

“It hurt?” Andrew asked. He did not remember his hurting. It was actually relaxing. He was afraid he wouldn’t be able to go through it once he got there, with a strangers hands on him and poised with a needle. But the whole process was so clinical, he didn’t mind. And the actual tattooing? It was calming. The letter was so small it took maybe two minutes, but Andrew was surprised at the very familiar sting and the way his brain let go to the pain.

“I mean I’ve had worse, but yeah. That’s sensitive skin right there.”

“Pussy.”

“Hey!” Neil laughed, smacking Andrew on the shoulder. “Forget it, you’re not getting your present now.”

“So sensitive. Fine. I guess you won’t get yours either.”

Neil narrowed his eyes at Andrew and disengaged himself enough to get up from the couch. He made his way into the bedroom where Andrew could hear him rifling through his bag. He came back out with a hot pink gift bag, and Andrew raised an eyebrow at him.

“Is there lingerie in there? Because I’m not wearing lingerie.”

“Maybe _I’m_ going to wear the lingerie for _you_ ,” Neil said, face straight and tone even. Andrew swallowed hard.

Neil laughed, Andrew was sure at the look on his face, and tossed the bag at him. “Relax lover boy, it’s not lingerie. Although I’m going to remember the reaction you just had the next time Nicky tries to talk me in to it.”

“Nicky can be destroyed.”

Neil sighed. “You’ve been saying that for years. No follow through. Open it.”

Andrew reached a hand in blind and closed his fingers around what felt like a book and what felt like a pack of pencils. He pulled them out and found an adult coloring book and colored pencils. He stared at them for a second, confused.

“You _have_ been talking to Bee,” Andrew said, not looking up. “Haven’t you?”

“Wow, paranoid much?”

Andrew looked up at Neil and raised a disbelieving brow.

“Okay, maybe a little but not about you! I just asked, you know, _hypothetically_ , what would be helpful for someone who deals with a lot of stress and anxiety. She suggested this,” Neil gestured to the items in Andrew’s hand and shrugged. “Keep looking there’s more.”

Andrew stuck a hand in the bag again and pulled out another book. This time is wasn’t for coloring though. It was for writing.

“It’s a journal. You know, for writing shit down.”

“Yes, professor. I know what a journal is, thanks.”

Neil rolled his eyes and plopped down on the couch next to Andrew. “I just thought it might help sometimes. To write it all down. When I was on the run with my mom, I couldn’t keep anything like that lying around. So I would write everything down and burn it when I was done. It always made me feel better just to get the words out.”

Andrew nodded and looked down at the journal. It was nice, he had to admit. It was leather bound with a black elastic band that held it closed. It felt sturdy.

“One more thing,” Neil said.

So one last time, Andrew reached his hand in the bag and this time he felt something soft and fuzzy. He pulled it out only to be met with a pair of garishly bright orange and white PSU socks. Soft and fuzzy and hideous.

“For your feet!” Neil said. “Because you’re always so fucking cold and your feet under my legs turn me to ice every night.”

Andrew took off the socks he was wearing and put them on. He had to admit they were pretty damn soft. He looked back to Neil and gave him a kiss in thanks.

“Wait here,” Andrew said, leaving the couch to retrieve Neil’s gift. In the back of his mind, he knew this wasn’t how they usually did things. He knew they did not anticipate gifts and anticipate the giving of them. Most Christmases they got each other nothing but company. And in a place even further back in his mind, he thought maybe this was a good change.

Andrew came back with an envelope in his hand and handed it to Neil without flourish. Neil slowly opened it, curiosity clear on his face. When he pulled it out he let out a small gasp.

“Andrew, no,” he said, shaking his head. “I can’t take this. Are you kidding me?” he held up the card in his hand and waved it around. It was an airline gift card worth $2,000.

“Stop being dramatic. You have to fly out here all the time and the amount of money you’ve had to spend on it this year alone is obscene. This is so I don’t have to deal with you being broke and whiny the rest of the school year,” Andrew waved a hand as if to dismiss Neil’s protests.

“I have my own money. I don’t need this. If I have to retrace the path my mother and I took across this country to pick up extra cash I will. You shouldn’t have to spend your hard earned money on me.”

Andrew looked hard at Neil. The truth was, he knew Neil was running out of money. The car he bought had nearly depleted what he had left, and although he didn’t have to pay for much out of pocket for school, the trips back and forth to Denver were not cheap. And Andrew would be damned if he couldn’t have Neil here at least some of the time because of something as inconsequential as money.

“What would you do, Neil, if the Moriyama’s demanded more than eighty percent? Is that eighty percent before or after taxes, by the way? Because when you start to play professionally, 50% of your income is going to go toward taxes. What about bonuses? Do they get that, too? I know they’re going to take your endorsements. Have you even thought about any of this?”

Neil blinked at Andrew. Clearly, he either hadn’t thought of any of this or he had purposely tried not to.

“I’ll do what I have to do. I’ll take care of it. My deal with the Moriyama’s is not your concern,” Neil said, standing now and pacing. Andrew shifted on the couch to watch him and leaned back with an ankle crossed over a knee.

“You haven’t have you? You haven’t thought of any of this. _Neil_ ,” Andrew demanded. Neil stopped pacing to face Andrew. Face flushed and mouth a tight line.

“Listen to me. Don’t open that mouth of yours until I’m done. Understand?” Neil nodded. “We are going to handle this together. I don’t care if you’re across the country on another team. We are going to handle this _together_. I make enough money for both of us and I don’t have the japanese mafia to answer to. You have to get over this money issue. This issue of you not wanting me to help because I’m fucking going to.” Andrew rubbed his forehead with a hand and tried to figure out how to make Neil understand. “We’re partners, right?” Another nod from Neil. “Then let me help you. Let me take care of you, okay?”

Neil hung his head and looked to the ground. Andrew could see the internal struggle, and he knew it so well. Because they were the same, him and Neil. They’d lived their lives paranoid and looking over their shoulders and trusting no one but themselves. Neil took care of his mom more than she took care of him, and Andrew had never had anyone care enough to bother except Cass, and she was too busy trying to protect the image of a perfect family that she completely ignored or missed the fact that her son was a pedophile and a rapist.

“Hey,” Andrew said, and Neil looked up. “Come here.”

So Neil did, and Andrew pulled him down onto his lap. He traced the 'A' tattoo on Neil’s wrist with a finger and said quietly, “Don’t make this harder than it needs to be. Just let me help you if you need it without arguing with me. You make me so god damn stabby.”

Neil laughed and buried his face in Andrew’s neck. “Fine. But that means you have to do the same, okay? And I’m calling Kevin about the Moriyama deal. He’s already been dealing with it and honestly you asking about taxes has me completely fucked. Thanks for that.”

“Anytime,” Andrew said patting Neil’s ass for him to stand. “Let’s go to bed.”

****

Neil’s phone rang in the middle of the night. He felt around the bedside table to find it, and answered without looking at who it was.

“Hello?”

_‘Neil?’_

Neil sat up, confused. It was a woman’s voice he didn’t recognize. He looked over only to see Andrew’s side of the bed being occupied by Sir, curled in a tight ball. He must’ve gotten up a while ago. He checked the time. It was 2AM Denver time.

“Who is this?” he demanded, immediately on alert.

_‘It’s April.’_

Neil was suddenly wide awake.

_‘I’m sorry I know it’s so late, but I just saw all the messages on social media from Robin and I just needed to call you. I’ve been avoiding getting online.”_

“No, no. Don’t apologize. It’s fine. I’ve been wanting to talk to you.’

_‘I know and I’m sorry. I changed my number when I left PSU and just kind of cut everything off. After what happened...I was torn between feeling lucky it didn’t go further than it did and so fucking angry that it all happened in the first place.’_

Neil sighed. He was still so pissed at himself for not reaching out sooner. For not taking care of Jones sooner.

“So, did you hear about Jones?”

_‘Yes, that’s actually why I’m calling. I wasn’t sure if you would’ve heard. They’re expelling him.’_

“No, shit?” Neil said, grin spreading across his face. “Good.”

_‘Yeah. And...they want me to press charges. They have all the posts from the Facebook page before it got shut down, but that’s not enough to make a case and they haven’t been able to get any of his other victims to come forward.’_

“Wow. Are you going to?”

_‘I don’t know. I won’t win. There’s no evidence besides my word. His friends will take his side and his family comes from money. He’ll have a shark of a lawyer. Part of me doesn’t want to let him get away with it and part of me just wants to forget it ever happened. They told me I could come back to PSU, if I want to.’_

“April, that’s fantastic! I know Wymack would give you a spot back on the team. I’ll call him tomorrow and talk to him about it,” Neil was already making plans in his head. He wasn’t sure if he could get her back on the court this year since they were heading to playoffs, but he knew he could guarantee her a spot for next school year.

She laughed, and Neil felt so hopeful for a moment. She hadn’t let this ruin her. _‘No, Neil I don’t want to come back to PSU. I want to go somewhere, I think. But not there. I don’t want to play exy anymore either. Trying to fight aggression with aggression was not working for me.’_

Neil didn’t understand that one bit, but to each their own. “Okay. Well, I hope whatever you do you’re happy. That’s all that really matters.”

_‘Yeah. You too, Captain. Take care, okay? And thank you. I know you had something to do with that Facebook page. You saved a lot of girls on PSU campus with that.’_

“It wasn’t me, but I’ll pass the message to the person responsible,” Neil craned his neck to try and search for Andrew beyond the door.

_‘Thanks. Take care, Neil.’_

“You too, April.”

****

Andrew was sitting on the floor of the living room in front of the coffee table, coloring books and colored pencils spread out in front of him. He’d heard Neil’s phone ring, but couldn’t hear who he was talking to. He was too comfortable where he was to move.

It was late and he was not tired. He’d finally gotten up about an hour ago and pulled the books out. He couldn’t stop thinking about their conversation earlier. Couldn’t stop thinking about their respective pasts and abuses and he was overwhelmed. He wasn’t sure with what. It wasn’t even negative emotion necessarily. It was just...gratefulness he supposed. Bee was helping him name these positive emotions he couldn’t because he’d never felt them before. But grateful was a good word. Because he had no idea how he and Neil found each other. He didn’t think there was anyone else in the world that could understand him and respect him like Neil did, and he didn’t think there was anyone else in the world who could take Neil’s past and current situation like Andrew could.

For once it was not nightmares keeping him awake, so he did not mind. And he colored. He had filled pages and pages and Neil was right. Bee had been right all those years she’d been trying to get Andrew to try it out. It was relaxing.

He heard Neil come in a few minutes later. He stopped a few feet away and Andrew looked over his shoulder to find him only in the boxers he’d gone to bed in, scarred torso on display and looking so warm.

“That was April,” Neil said, still clutching his phone. “The Facebook page worked. They’re expelling Jones. They’ve offered her a spot back at PSU.”

Andrew snorted. Assholes trying to cover their tracks and avoid a lawsuit. Of course they offered her a spot back.

“She shouldn’t take it,” Andrew said, turning back to the mandala he was coloring.

“She’s not going to,” Neil replied, walked closer to Andrew now to see what he was doing. He sat on the ground next to Andrew and kissed his bare shoulder. “Thank you.”

Andrew shrugged and did not move his eyes from the page.

“This is really incredible,” Neil said, inspecting Andrew’s work. “It’s so bright. I thought you hated color?”

“What makes you think I hate color?”

“Gee, I don’t know Johnny Cash,” Neil said, bumping Andrew’s shoulder with his own.

“Do you even know who Johnny Cash is?”

Neil frowned. “No. I do not. But I know Matt calls you Johnny Cash because you dress like you’re going to a funeral.”

“Maybe I am.”

“What?”

“Nothing. I don’t hate color. I don’t see it like the rest of you do, though. Once I came off the meds, everything was duller. It was fantastic to be honest.”

Neil shifted to face Andrew a little more. “Why was it fantastic?”

Andrew sighed and put the pencil down. He still didn’t look at Neil, but he was searching for the words to explain.

“When I was on the pills, everything was so fucking bright. Like, blindingly. Walking into the stadium with all that fucking orange was torture. But the pills made me not care. So I dealt with it. But when I came off the pills, it was such a relief in so many ways. But not seeing everything as so fucking artificially bright was definitely one of the perks.”

Neil considered him for a moment. “Huh,” he said. “Well I’m glad then, that you don’t see color like the rest of us.”

“Except you,” Andrew said, and he knew he was walking into dangerously emotional territory. He had stopped him from telling Neil he was beautiful the other day because it made him feel too vulnerable. But this was the truth. He knew when he got off his meds that it was a problem, but he never looked too closely at why and he’d never admitted it out loud. He was in a mood tonight and apparently that meant embarrassing himself.

“Me?” Neil asked, wary.

“You were just as bright as everything else when you came to PSU. Even when I hated you and suspected you, there was _something_. So I was glad when I came off the meds. I was glad you would be just as dull as the rest of the world and I could ignore you.”

“But I wasn’t?” Neil guessed.

“You weren’t,” Andrew nodded. “When I came back and you had your natural hair and eyes and you were still so god damn bright, I knew it was a problem. You were supposed to be dull and boring and I was supposed to not care because I didn’t care about anything off my meds. But there you were with your red fucking hair and your blue fucking eyes and I _hated_ you so god damn much.”

“I know,” Neil said. He put a hand on Andrew’s face and turned it so they were eye to eye. “ _I know,_ ” he whispered, and leaned in for a kiss.

Andrew deepened it first. He had been so inside his head this visit and keeping Neil at arms length physically. He still didn’t know why. But he knew right now, after what he’d just admitted and the day they’d had, he needed this more than he even wanted it. So he gave in and he tilted Neil’s head and he deepened the kiss until he was swallowing Neil’s moans.

He pushed Neil back until he was leaning against the couch and reached to pull off his boxers. Neil was already hard, and he gave his cock a short stroke, just to hear him moan. He stood then to take his own clothes off, and once he was naked he went to kneel back on the floor, but Neil stopped him with a hand on his calf. He tugged Andrew forward and Andrew came willingly. The sight of Neil moving to get on his knees in front of Andrew nearly ruined this moment altogether.

Andrew nodded in silent permission when his partner looked up a him, and sucked in a breath at the feel of Neil’s lips on his skin. He kissed around Andrew’s cock, making his way to the freckle on Andrew’s hip.

“I love this fucking spot,” Neil said, and the feel of his breath against Andrew’s skin sent him shivering.

When he finally, _finally,_  took Andrew in his mouth, Andrew let out a loud moan. Neil squeezed his thighs in response. He plunged his fingers into Neil’s hair and gave shallow thrusts into his mouth. It felt so good. God, Neil was so good. He pulled out of his partner’s mouth before he came, and pushed him back against the couch on the floor. Andrew stepped over him and lowered himself to straddle Neil’s hips. Their cocks brushed and Neil let out a soft whine before wrapping his arms around Andrew’s shoulders. This was one of their safe spots. One he didn’t need to ask permission for. But Andrew was feeling so good and so warm and so safe. So he took Neil’s hands, and lowered them until they were on his hips. Until they were on his ass.

Neil snapped his head up to look at Andrew. “Andrew, I-”

“It’s a yes until it’s a no,” Andrew said, and put a hand in Neil’s hair, tugging softly. He wrapped his other hand around Neil’s cock.

“Fuck Andrew,” Neil said, because Neil was as mouthy during sex as he was any other time of day. “Fuck, you’re so good.” He turned his head slightly, kissing Andrew’s arm where it was near his mouth. Kissing his scars and rubbing his nose along the ridges, eyes closed. Andrew's breath stuttered and he closed his eyes as well at the tenderness for just a moment. Let himself get lost in it.

They opened their eyes at the same time, and crashed together in a hard kiss. Neil removed one hand from Andrew’s ass and wrapped it around his cock. Andrew bit his lip and moved his hips slightly, rocking into Neil’s hand. They were both breathing hard when they pulled away. The same air, the same breath, the same need and want and give and take. Their hands moved faster, matching each others pace to their racing heartbeats. They were forehead to forehead now and Andrew knew they were both close. Knew they were going to come at the same time.

“ _I love you_ ,” Neil whispered between pants, and that was when Andrew lost it. That was when Andrew’s hips jerked and he came all over Neil’s hand, his own pace stuttering on Neil’s cock. But it didn’t matter. Because Neil was tumbling right over this edge with him, and he came with a moan that Andrew quieted with another hard kiss.

They sat, Andrew still in Neil’s lap and both of them sweaty and sticky. Neil moved his hand from Andrew’s ass as soon as they were done and moved it to the back of Andrew’s neck, kissing him wherever he could reach.

“ _Merry Christmas, Andrew_ ,” Neil whispered.

“Merry Christmas.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!  
> Come say hi to me on [tumblr!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/jtmann182)


	14. Fruition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plan revealed!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO SORRY for the delay on this! If you've been following Red Rabbits, you probably have an idea of how busy we've been with it! It's become bigger than we imagined it would, and as a result I've neglected my poor fic. BUT. It felt so good to get back to these boys just being together. I hope you enjoy the chapter and I'm going to try my hardest to get back to regular updates!

Neil ran. He ran and panted and planned and prayed. They’d played their first championship game and they won. Neil had been approached by a scout from the San Diego Gulls, and had left with a whole proposal to read through. He hadn’t looked at it.

Because he was still planning and praying. To whatever god might exist, to the universe, to himself. If he couldn’t be on Andrew’s team, he still wanted to be close. He would do this long distance for as long as it took. There were a solid 15 years of playing he had left, assuming he was injury free. Fifteen years were nothing in the face of forever. Especially when you never expected to make it past 19 years old.

But still. _Still._

Still he planned and prayed. Because being close to Andrew was leagues better than being far away.

Johnson had not taken the bait - yet. Andrew acted unbothered, but Neil knew better. If nothing came of this, then they were no worse off than they were before. But they would have a chance to be so much better off if something did come of it.

Their next game was this weekend and they were traveling to Texas. Neil assumed there would be more scouts. He knew there was always room for improvement, but he also knew he was a damn good striker. Now that they were in the championships and now that he was in a better headspace, he wasn’t worried about getting recruited. He _was_ worried about signing with someone too soon, before a better offer came along. He _was_ worried about waiting for something better, and in the process missing a good opportunity.

He _was_ worried about Johnson doing them all a favor and just taking the fucking bait already.

But Neil just kept running. Because the running helped distract him and the harshness of his breaths helped center him and he pounding of his feet helped keep him going forward.

****

Andrew was plotting and preparing and not praying. Because that’s not something he believed in. Unless Neil was missing in Baltimore. He did a lot of praying to no one that day.

Johnson had been very well behaved the past few weeks. Since Christmas, since Neil had been here, Johnson was not overly rude to Andrew. He didn’t seek him out, he didn’t talk to him, he didn’t look Andrew’s way. Which, under normal circumstances, Andrew would be pleased about. Andrew would assume he’d gotten his ass handed to him by the coaches and management. But he knew better. Like he’d told Christina all those months ago, Johnson is a starting Striker and the best one they have. No one would care what he said to Andrew.

So, Andrew was steeling himself. Johnson was planning something and he was on his best behavior in the meantime in order to take the heat off of himself when whatever it was came to fruition.

Andrew couldn’t wait. He just wanted it to happen already.

He found himself in Christina’s office after practice and dumped his bag by his usual chair before taking a seat.

“Anything?” he asked Christina, keeping his voice as even as possible.

“Not yet. You know nothing may come of this, right? It was a good plan, but if he does nothing then he does nothing.”

Christina wasn’t looking at him. She was on her computer typing out an email, her bracelets jingling at her wrists. She was wearing a pair of glasses with another pair on top of her head and she had a pencil stuck behind her ear.

“Chris?”

Christina looked up at him with a furrowed brow.

“Did you just call me Chris?”

“Yes.”

She studied him for a moment before looking back at her screen.

“What?”

“We could always just carry out the plan ourselves. Say it was Johnson. It would work just the same,” Andrew tried for nonchalance. He didn’t want Christina to see how impatient he was becoming. He knew Johnson would do something if they gave him enough time, but he needed an answer to this mess now.

“It would not work just the same. This has to come from him and we have to have proof it was him. I’m putting my job on the line here, conspiring with you. I wouldn’t be doing it if I didn’t think this entire team would be better off without Johnson. But we’re going to do this my way, do you understand?”

Andrew stood up and grabbed his bag to walk out of the room. Christina called his name before he got to the door. Andrew stopped and glanced over his shoulder to let her know he was listening.

“He’s going to bite. Just give it time.”

****

Neil impatiently listened to Andrew’s phone ring, willing him to pick up with the power of his mind. It didn’t work. It never did. Unless they were fucking. Because then Andrew seemed to know exactly what Neil was thinking and what he wanted.

Great, now he was thinking about fucking Andrew.

He sighed and threw his phone on the bed when Andrew didn’t answer. He pulled out the proposal he’d gotten and started to flip through it. He didn’t want to go to California. There were too many bad associations, for both he and Andrew.

He wanted to go to Denver.

Kai walked in the room then, and stopped short when he saw Neil sitting on his bunk.

“Oh. Sorry, I didn’t know you were here. I’ll just...go,” he said, and turned to leave the room. He’d been like this since Andrew accosted him in the parking lot.

“He doesn’t have cameras in here you know. He’s in Colorado. This is your room, too for Christ’s sake.”

Kai stopped and turned back around. “I know. I’m not scared of him.”

_Liar._

Neil wanted to say _‘You should be’_ , but he didn’t because he refused to prove Andrew right about him being dramatic.

“Just come in here, Kai. Stop haunting the dorms like a ghost every time you know I’m around. I’m still your captain and we still have finals to win, so stop. I need to be able to communicate with you.”

Kai hesitated, then nodded. He came into the room and threw his backpack on the bed and flopped down on it dramatically, one arm thrown over his face.

Neil rolled his eyes. He’d picked up enough social cues since coming to PSU, having had to spend copious amounts of time with Nicky, to know that this meant Kai wanted him to ask. Neil didn’t want to ask. He really didn’t. But he was the captain, right?

So with a deep breath and a roll of his neck, Neil asked, “What’s wrong, Kai?”

“It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it. It’s really no big deal.”

“Alrig-”

“It’s like this,” Kai began, sitting up on his bed and facing Neil. “I really like this guy, right? And he really likes me. At least, I think he does. Anyway, he really likes me but his parents don’t know he’s bi. So he refuses to like...go out with me. So all we do is fool around, which is great. Don’t get me wrong. He has a hu-”

Neil held up a hand. “I don’t need specifics, Kai.”

“Right, sorry.” Kai shook his head a little as if to get his thoughts back in the right order. “Anyway, it’s been fun, but I’m kind of sick of not being able to be seen in public with him. That’s not cool, right? Like, he’s ashamed of me?”

Neil had been humming and nodding his head every once in a while when he realized Kai had stopped talking and was looking at him expectantly. _Shit._

“Ah.” Neil looked around the room like it might hold the answer. “I’m not really sure what advice I could give you…”

Kai was not deterred. “I mean, you’re gay right? You have a boyfriend? How did you come out? How did he come out? You weren’t ashamed of each other were you?”

Neil was suddenly very annoyed. And then annoyed with himself for being annoyed. Kai was young. Neil didn’t know his story or when he figured out his sexuality, whatever it was, but nothing about his and Andrew’s relationship was ever conventional.

That’s why it worked so well for them. Two very unconventional people in an unconventional relationship.

Neil sighed and tried to think before speaking for once. “First, I’m not gay. I don’t really feel like it’s necessary, but if I had to put a label on what I am, I’m demisexual.” Kai looked confused, which wasn’t surprising. “Listen, there’s a whole spectrum of sexuality out there. Some people feel like they don’t fit anywhere. You should really do some research on it.  Andrew and I work because of who we are and how our pasts shaped us. We didn’t have to deal with things like coming out to parents who may or may not approve. The people we had to ‘come out’ to were surprised, but not disapproving. It was just our Fox family. And you know the foxes have dealt with worse than having a couple of guys on the team being together.”

Kai was listening closely, eyebrows knitted. Neil felt like he was doing this all wrong.

“Listen, all I’m saying is, it sounds like you don’t know a whole lot about this guy. You have no idea what he might be dealing with at home and you have no idea where he’s at on accepting his own sexuality. You have to decide if you’re willing to be patient or not. If you’re not, then that’s fine. You deserve to be happy, Kai, and if that means finding someone who’s out and who you can go on dates with, that’s okay. But you need to stop thinking about this in terms of ‘he’s ashamed of me’. I doubt that’s the case, and the shame probably lies more with himself, if he’s scared to come out. Give him time or don’t. It’s up to you.”

Kai looked down at his hands and nodded. “You’re right, Cap. That’s really good advice. Thanks.”

“Sure,” Neil said, standing. He’d had just about enough of this conversation. “I’m just going to go...out.”

Kai’s head shot up. “Wait! Just...one more thing.” Neil watched a Kai’s face turned red and a feeling of dread welled up inside his chest. No. No, anything but-

“So, about sex…”

_That._

“I just haven’t done it, you know, with a guy. I mean I’ve done other stuff, obviously but not like...anal?”

“Oh my god, Kai,” Neil moaned covering his face with his hands and fighting the urge to run as quickly as possible. “I can’t help you with this.”

He started to walk away when Neil heard a quiet, “I don’t know who else to ask.”

Neil stopped. Closed his eyes. Took a deep breath. He could do this right? He slowly turned around to face Kai again, who was still on the bed looking mortified but determined.

“Okay, listen. Just...always ask for consent okay? Make sure you’re both comfortable. Lots of lube. Lots of prep. Make sure you’re...or they’re ready. Otherwise, it’ll hurt like a bitch and it’s not good for anyone. And wear protection. Every time. That’s it. That’s all I have. I’m definitely leaving now.”

Kai grinned as Neil spun around. “Thanks, Cap!” he called to Neil’s retreating back. Neil hoped Kai would go back to avoiding him.

****

Andrew finally called Neil back that night.

“Finally,” Neil breathed into the phone. “Do you have any idea what I’ve had to endure while waiting for you to decide to grace me with your call? Have you replaced me?”

Andrew huffed a laugh, and Neil’s heart beat double time for a moment.

“How many times do I have to tell you? Training someone else to memorize what ice cream flavor I prefer based on my moods takes time I don’t have. I’m stuck with you.”

Neil tsked. “I hate to break it to you, lover boy. But you will never find someone else to put up with your bullshit. _That’s_ why you’re stuck with me.”

Andrew laughed in earnest this time and Neil smiled into the phone. Andrew could probably 100% find someone else to put up with his bullshit. He was smart and funny and protective and so fucking attractive. Neil just liked to make himself feel better by imagining he was the only one.

“It’s the same for you, you know. This has to be it, forever. Otherwise we’ll both die cold and alone, just like everyone assumed I would.” Andrew’s voice was as even as ever, but Neil could still hear the small smile in it. Could still see it in his mind. Right there at the corner of his mouth where he liked to place kisses when he could.

Neil let out a deep breath. “I miss you,” he said quietly. It had been three weeks since he’d seen Andrew. He had no idea when they’d be together again. He was busy with extra practices and traveling for championships, and Andrew’s management was kicking up the promos Andrew had to do, now that he’d proved his worth to the fans. He was starting more games, and they wanted to see more of him. Neil felt like he had to share Andrew with the entire country, and he didn’t like feeling that way.

“Of course you do,” Andrew replied. “ What was so terrible that you had to endure while waiting with bated breath for my call?”

“Kai,” Neil started. Andrew interrupted.

“This had better go in the right direction, or I’m going to have some very pissed off coaches when I don’t show for practice tomorrow.” Neil wanted to laugh, but he knew Andrew wasn’t joking.

“Calm down, Lancelot. He decided today was the day he wanted to have a sex talk.”

“That...is not helping. Hold on, I’m looking up flights.”

Neil did laugh this time. “No, no. He’s been messing around with some guy who isn’t out yet so he was asking me all these questions about us coming out and if you were ashamed of me.”

“Well obviously, I was very ashamed of you. I’ve just accepted my fate now. No point fighting the inevitable.”

No point fighting the inevitable. That was actually a really fantastic way to put their relationship, and Neil doubted Andrew even realized it.

“God, you’re so in love with me. It’s gross. Can you please give me a little room to breathe?” Neil said, affecting annoyance.

“Never,” Andrew replied immediately. “What does any of that have to do with sex?”

“Right. Okay, so I basically tell him _‘You have no idea what this guy is going through or where he’s at with his sexuality, so either give him time or don’t’,_ right? And then I’m fleeing the room because if I had stayed a minute longer, I would’ve said something probably really stupid and unhelpful.”

“As you do.”

“Right, as I do. So anyway, I’m walking out of the room and he decides to ask me about anal sex, Andrew. _Anal_ . _Sex_.”

“Yes, I’m familiar. Go on.”

“I was like, no. No, Kai. I cannot possibly have this conversation with you. But he said he didn’t have anyone else to ask, so I had to, didn’t I? I mean, I’m his _captain_.” Neil said all of this very fast. The memory making his cheeks heat all over again.

“So, naturally, you decided to play the martyr and have a discussion with him about anal sex. Some things never change.” Neil could hear him moving around. He imagined Andrew crawling into his bed. Pulling the covers up around him.

“Naturally. It was horrifying.”

“So...what’d you tell him? I’m dying to know. Did you tell him how you like it when I fuck you with your hips off the bed? When I get just the right angle? Or did you tell him how you like it when I finger you and blow you at the same time? How quickly I can make you come when-”

“Jesus Christ, Andrew. Stop,” Neil said, adjusting his shorts. “As much as I would love to have phone sex with you right now, I’m in the dorm and someone will definitely walk in at the best part.”

Andrew sighed. “Shame. Continue.”

“I told him to get consent, to use lube, and wear protection. That’s all I could manage before I fled. That’s okay, right? That basically covers all the important stuff?”

“No. No, it does not. Tell him to talk to Bee.” Andrew said, suddenly serious.

“Did I fuck up?” Neil asked, biting his lip. Andrew was the only person he’d ever been with. The only person he’d ever been so honest with physically. He didn’t want to have the conversation with Kai, but he also didn’t want to tell him something that would skew his vision of sex.

“It’s not that. It’s just...neither of us have any idea about how he grew up and what his sexual education looked like. It’s good that you mentioned consent and protection, but I think he probably needs to go a little deeper than that. He could walk off a pier tomorrow and I wouldn’t have two fucks to rub together in his name. I just know what it’s like to have to figure it out on your own and it can really fucking suck depending on the situation.”

“You’re right. I know you’re right,” Neil said, rubbing his forehead. “I’m so bad at this. I’ll tell him to talk to Bee about it. I would rather die than talk to her about sex, but I guess she helped you out?” Neil couldn’t even imagine it, if he was being honest. Asking Bee questions? About...sex? He and Andrew had to figure out a lot of things together along the way. Neil had zero experience under his belt and though Andrew had a lot more, he had still done more with Neil than he had with anyone else. So, when it came time to do the things Neil wasn’t sure about, he asked Andrew, who sometimes only knew the technicalities. And that was bad enough.

“You’re so fucking dramatic. I knew I was gay when I started seeing her. And I didn’t really discuss it with her until we’d been having sessions for awhile. But it was brought up eventually. She thought Roland was a good safe space to experiment, I thought it was nice to get off. But when she found out about us, it shifted.”

Neil decided to ignore the Roland thing. He’d never really been jealous of Roland, and Bee was right. He was glad Andrew had someone who respected his boundaries to experiment with. Didn’t mean he wanted to hear about it.

“Because it was different? With us?” Neil asked, carefully.

Andrew was quiet for a few seconds. “Yes,” he finally said. “It was different with us.”

****

Andrew was the last in the locker room after practice on Friday afternoon. They had a game Saturday in New Mexico, and he was starting goalie again. The coach wanted to go over strategy with him and Bridges beforehand. If it bothered the older goalie that he was starting less, he didn’t show it. He was as agreeable and polite to Andrew as ever.

Andrew would probably never admit it because he was nothing if not an asshole, but Bridges had become a sort of mentor for him. He’d learned a lot about goal keeping since he’d been in Denver, thanks to the years of experience Bridges had. He was a damn good goalie when he got here, and he knew it. But now he felt confident that he was a professional player on par with the others.

So, that’s how he found himself shoving clothes into his bag and making sure his gear was accounted for, for the game the next day. Johnson, who he only had to assume was waiting for him, came in from the lounge and leaned a shoulder against a wall.

“So, starting the game tomorrow again?” he asked, all casual indifference.

“Looks that way. Why? Here to talk strategy?” Of course he wasn’t.

“Of course I’m not. I just wanted to say it’s been great being on a team with you this year. I wish you luck in all your future endeavors.”

Andrew’s hands froze. It was like that, then? Johnson was really going to do it. He wasn’t surprised, not really. The entire reason he and Christina concocted this plan was because he knew Johnson would fall for it. His heart was pounding now, but he kept his mask of bored disinterest firmly in place as he looked up to Johnson.

“Thanks. Same to you. For wherever you end up.” Andrew grabbed his bag and slung it over his shoulder. He left the locker room with a passing glance at Johnson’s face. It was smug and it was assured and Andrew wanted to laugh.

If he only knew.

He pulled out his phone and sent Neil a quick text. He had his game in Texas tonight so he was probably still on the plane.

 _‘I think he took the bait. I’ll let you know if I hear from Christina.’_                                                                                                                                                                                     

He slipped his phone back into his pocket, and whistled a tune on the way to his car.

Before he could even start it, his phone rang. It was Christina.

****

Neil was excited for this game. UT was a good team, and he was ready for a challenge. He assumed more scouts would be at this game. He didn’t know who. No one had contacted Wymack about him beforehand, so he was going in blind.

Then again, maybe no one else wanted him.

He pushed the thought out of his mind and checked his racquets for the third time. The game was a late one. It started at 8PM and PSU arrived early to have plenty of time to get to the stadium and warm up. It was just now 6PM and they didn’t have permission to go on the court until 7PM. So, Neil checked his racquets. Again.

Closer to time, he and Wymack stood and gave the team the usual pep talk. He told Kai to be more aggressive that he was in the last game, and he told Trysten to pay attention to the strikers’ stats and habits. He told himself to win or die trying, and they made their way to the court for warm ups.

Fans were slowly trickling in. They got a few boos when they walked out on court, but none of them paid it any attention. This always happened at away games. He thought he heard someone call his name, but he ignored it. He was used to jabs about his scars and about his father. They couldn’t touch his game, and that’s all that really mattered.

Until he heard Andrew’s name screamed, too.

He looked up then in the direction of the yells.

_‘Hey, Josten! How’s Minyard in the sack?’_

Neil froze. His heart dropped into his stomach and suddenly his entire team was looking in his direction from where they had been stretching. Wide eyed and panicked. He heard a banging on the plexiglass and looked over to see Wymack furiously gesturing to him. He unstuck his sneakers from the court and jogged over.

“What, Coach?” Neil said, probably harsher than he should’ve. He was confused and a little scared, if he was being honest.

“I was going to wait until after the game to tell you this, but I don’t want you to be blindsided by the fans and reporters.”

Neil felt his lips go numb. He felt the blood drain from his face.

“They know,” Neil whispered. He closed his eyes and swallowed hard. He knew what this meant. It was what was always a possibility, but one they both agreed on. One they said would be worth it. He wondered why Andrew hadn’t called him until he realized he’d had his phone off since he got on the plane early this afternoon. “I have to get to my phone, Coach. I need to know what happened.”

“Go,” Wymack said, waving him off. “But you let me know if you can’t play, do you understand? I’m not sending you out there distracted to get an injury that’ll bench you for the rest of the season.”

“I’ll be fine. I just...need to call Andrew.” Neil made his way to the locker room and dug his phone out of his duffel bag. He powered it one and had ten new text messages from Andrew. One of them was an article. ‘ _Caught in the Act: Minyard and Josten - College Sweethearts?_ ’

The picture was of he and Andrew kissing at the Christmas party in Colorado. The one they had staged for this exact purpose.

The plan was simple, really. Andrew wanted to get rid of Johnson, and Neil wouldn’t mind seeing him go either. He was a homophobic asshole. So, they played to his nature. Andrew knew the only way to get him kicked off the team would be a breach of the confidentiality clause of his contact so major, there was no way management could ignore it. So, Andrew did what he did best. He antagonized Johnson and got him riled. Then kissed Neil right in front of his face when he was holding his phone. Boom. Instant asshole trap.

They knew he would take the picture and they knew he would try to put it out. That’s where Christina came in. She was confident she could stop it before it hit the press. She had all her contacts running everything to do with Andrew through her first so she could confirm or deny. She had a good relationship with the press, and he wasn’t above bribing the pictures away if she needed to. But.

_But._

This was always a possibility. Christina made sure they both understood that there was a chance the pictures could get out. There was a chance Christina wouldn’t be able to stop it, and they’d be outed for better or worse. They both agreed. Andrew had faith in Christina, and Neil had faith in Andrew. He’d wanted this early on. He hated having to sneak around when he was in Colorado and he hated hiding. This just seemed easier at time.

But now that it was here, and now that he was faced with it, he didn’t know how to feel.

Neil clicked on the article and read. It didn’t just include the pictures from the Christmas party. There was another picture of him in the stands, standing up in his Minyard jersey and Thunder cap, cheering with the rest of the fans. Neil remembered the woman sitting near him with her phone out at that game, and wondered if she was Johnson’s wife.

The article didn’t say anything interesting. Just speculation on if they had been dating in College and both of their sordid histories. Neil sighed and read Andrew’s texts.

_‘I think he took the bait. I’ll let you know if I hear from Christina.’_

_‘He definitely took the bait. Christina is attempting to stop it.’_

_‘Turn your fucking phone on.’_

_‘The person who has the pictures won’t cooperate.’_

_‘This is going to get out.’_

_‘Turn your phone on turn your phone on turn your phone on’_

_‘It’s out’ (link to article)_

_‘I really need you to turn your goddamn phone on before I show up in Texas and kick your ass’_

_‘I swear to god i will kill you’_

_‘Fuck it. I’m on my way.’_

That was three hours ago. His phone rang right as he was about to pick it up to call Andrew to see if he really had hopped on a plane. He answered it quickly.

“Please don’t tell me you really flew all the way here?”

“Neil. If you don’t learn to turn your fucking phone on I’m going to staple it to your head and force you to listen to it ring for five fucking days, do you understand? You can’t fucking _do that._ ”

Neil sighed. “Yes, okay I get it. Where are you?”

“I’m at the side entrance to the stadium and if you don’t come tell this security guard to let me through, the next big story will be you bailing me out of jail. I can’t go back to prison, Neil. It did things to me. Come get this fucking guard out of my face,” Andrew said through gritted teeth.

“Jesus fuck, Andrew. And you call _me_ dramatic” Neil stood and hurried out of the locker room.  “I’m on my way.” He made his way around to where the team had entered, and found Andrew there with a very surly looking security guard.

“Let him through,” Neil said. “He’s with the team.”

Andrew stepped around the guard who gave him a disgusted look and grabbed Neil by the arm to drag him back to the locker room.

“What’d you say to that guy?” Neil asked.

“A lot of very unsavory things. Get in here and talk to me.”

“The game is going to start soon. I just came to check my phone because Wymack told me-”

“I know he told you. I had to call him when I couldn’t get you because you love to fucking torture me.” They had made it to the locker room by now, and Neil sat on a bench where Andrew had led him.

“Don’t you have a game tomorrow?” Neil asked. He couldn’t imagine his coaches were okay with this.

“Yes and I’ll be there. It’s a short flight from here to New Mexico. I’m staying with you tonight and leaving in the morning. I’ll meet the team there.” Andrew sat down next to Neil and put his elbows on his knees. He bent his head so he could run his fingers through his hair, and Neil was suddenly not as scared. Not as upset. He place a hand gently on Andrew’s neck and rubbed softly.

“Hey,” he said. “We knew this might happen. We planned for it, remember? I don’t care if people know we’re together, Andrew. I hate having to hide anyway. It’s annoying that we can’t even go out to dinner or a movie or something for fear of being caught.”

Andrew took in a deep breath and let it out in a huff. “I know. We just still don’t know what this means for you being drafted. For your endorsements.”

“Stop worrying about me. I’m Neil fucking Josten. I’m fine and I’ll always _be_ fine, as Iong as I’ve got you next to me. I’ve survived way worse than a few bad weeks in the press.” Andrew put arm arm around Neil until he was forced to lean forward, his face landing in Andrew’s neck. He breathed deeply.

“What about you? Did management talk to you about this? Are they pissed?” Neil asked into Andrew’s skin. He felt a shiver go through Andrew and he smiled a little, despite the situation.

“They’re pissed, but not at me. I think they’re afraid I’ll sue since we have on record all the times Johnson was caught harassing me. They’re pissed at Johnson for breaking his contract and they’re pissed at losing their starting striker...but…”

Neil grinned a little. “ _But_ ,” he said.

Andrew kissed the top of his head. “But now they have a shot at the best striker in NCAA exy.”

****

PSU won the game. Even with the jeers and even with Andrew standing on the sidelines with Wymack while people hurled taunts, Neil had a new kind of determination.

Denver had room now. They had a spot for a striker and Neil was going to get that fucking spot, Andrew knew. He was determined. Andrew didn’t know how they’d feel about having them both on a team together when they were in a relationship. They hadn’t mentioned Neil at all. But they’d be insane not to draft him. If they wanted a winning team, they needed Neil.  

So, PSU won. Neil scored five of the seven goals that night and Wymack told him scouts for both Kansas and Arkansas were there and asked if they could speak with him. Wymack told them no, but they could set up a meeting at PSU if they wanted to speak to Neil directly. They both agreed they’d be in touch.

“You here for the night?” Wymack asked, not looking at Andrew and keeping his eyes glued on the game as they both stood on the sidelines watching.

“Yes. I’ll fly to New Mexico in the morning. We have a game.”

Wymack grunted acknowledgement. “I know you do. Nice save against McConville from New York last week, by the way. I thought for sure you were going to miss that one.”

He didn’t look at Andrew. Andrew didn’t look at him. He didn’t know how to feel about the fact that Wymack watched his games. That he knew enough to know he had a game in New Mexico tomorrow night.

“Thanks,” he said.

“Yeah, well. I assume you’re staying here on PSU’s dime and rooming with Josten?”

“Sure am.”

“Great, you can be the one to tell Jack he’s being kicked out of his room.” Wymack turned to switch players out.

“With pleasure.”

****

Jack took the news gracefully, caught in Andrew’s silent glare. He stood behind Neil’s shoulder, a glowering presence, while Neil told him to go find a bed in someone else’s room.

He was surprisingly agreeable.

Once they were shut in the room together and had shed clothes and climbed under blankets, Andrew called Christina and put her on speaker.

“Hi, Christina,” Neil said when she answered.

“Josten. Listen, I’m sorry I couldn’t stop it. I tried. I really thought I’d have a handle on it-”

“Don’t worry about it,” Neil said. She sounded upset. “We knew this was a possibility. It’s here now. We just have to deal with it.”

“Right,” she said, and got down to business. “The response so far has been overwhelmingly positive. The LGBT community is always looking for role models they can point to, and as the first out couple in Exy, you guys are it. There are some negative comments of course. We’ll get a better view of what’s happening tomorrow, but it looks like right now you guys will come out of this okay.”

“How is management taking it? The coaches?” Andrew asked.

“Management is scrambling. They’ve already contacted Johnson and told him his contract would be terminated. They’re giving him the choice of saying he’s retiring early, or them giving him the boot. Either way it’s effective immediately. I wasn’t able to stop the pictures, but the person I dealt with gave up Johnson’s name easy enough.”

“They’re giving him a choice?” Neil asked, incredulous. “That’s bullshit. He should be fired and everyone should know why. He’ll just get picked up by another team this way.”

“No way,” Christina replied. “That’s what management will put out to the press, but there’s no way the public doesn’t put together this outing and Johnson’s departure. It’ll be known in the exy community. He’ll be coaching the local high school team before the year is up.”

That, at least, made Andrew feel better. Because Neil was right. They had led Johnson to the trap, but he had taken the bait. That mixed with all the homophobic bullshit he’d been spewing was more than enough for Andrew to write him off for good.

“What are our odds of getting Neil on the team?” Andrew asked, because he knew Neil wouldn’t. Neil locked eyes with him and they both held their breaths.

“Honestly? I don’t know. I don’t think they’ve gotten that far yet. I think it’ll depend on if this swings in your favor or not. I’ll let you know if I hear anything, but I think right now it’s best just to lay low and not push it.”

“Okay,” Neil said. “Just keep us updated. And thank you. I appreciate everything you’ve done.”

“You’re welcome. I’m just sorry it turned out this way. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Minyard. Josten, do me a favor and teach him some manners while you have him.”

Neil looked at Andrew and grinned. “Not a chance.”

They hung up with Christina and laid in silence facing each other.

“Hi,” Neil whispered, and Andrew thought he might melt right into the mattress. He missed this. The just laying here and being close and knowing there was another human being in the world who got it. Who got _him_.

“Hey,” he said back just as quietly. He watched Neil scoot forward. Watched him lean in slowly. Did not watch as their lips touched, because his eyes closed without him being aware of it and he felt. He felt Neil’s chapped lips and warm breath. Felt the slide of his tongue on Andrew’s lower lip. Felt his mouth open and felt the kiss deepen. Felt Neil grip the front of his shirt in a tight fist in an attempt to pull him closer.

Sometimes, when Andrew was feeling like this, he thought back to those early days.Those days when he was fresh out of East Haven and was so content to feel nothing, until he saw Neil again. Immediately he knew. Immediately he hated Neil all over again. And he thought about how wanting to feel nothing to mask the trauma had morphed into wanting to feel it all to heal the trauma.

He kissed Neil a little harder. And then pulled back.

Neil looked at Andrew and bit his lip. Andrew would swear it was because Neil knew it drove him crazy.

“Do you want to…” Neil trailed off.

“Yes. But not now.” Andrew just wanted to lay here next to Neil. But he wouldn’t say that. Because he was nothing if not an asshole.

“Okay,” Neil said. “My body hurts from the game anyway.”

Neil turned his back to Andrew, and Andrew lifted an arm for Neil to slot himself into place. Andrew dropped the arm and wrapped it around Neil’s middle, pulling him closer. He placed a kiss on the back of Neil’s neck and breathed a sigh of contentment.

That was broken by the incessant pinging coming from Neil’s phone.

Neil picked it up to look. “It’s Matt. And Kevin. And Dan. Why isn’t anyone trying to get a hold of you?”

“Because they know better,” Andrew said, as if this should’ve been obvious.

“I won’t turn it off for fear of being murdered in my sleep, but I’m putting it on the moon.”

Andrew lifted his head, confused. “The moon?”

“You know. The little moon button? You press it and then it silences your notifications.” Neil turned under Andrew’s arm and showed him his phone so he could see what he meant..

“Jesus...you mean ‘do not disturb’? What is wrong with you, honestly? _The moon_ ,” Andrew mocked.

Neil shrugged. “It looks like a moon to me.”

Andrew wrapped a hand around Neil’s neck and pulled him into another kiss. Neil dropped his phone, the moon forgotten.

“You’re an idiot,” Andrew breathed against Neil’s mouth.

“I know.”

****

The next morning after Neil turned the moon off on his phone, he finally checked his texts. Everyone from the team had sent him something, including Aaron and Nicky who had apparently been trying to get a hold of Andrew last night, too.

But the text that stood out, the one that made him pause, was Kevin’s.

_‘I will come out, if it makes it easier for you. Tell me what you need me to do.’_


	15. Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, friends! Another update, can you believe it?
> 
> So, honestly not much action in this chapter, but plenty of angst. I wanted to show Andrew dealing with the aftermath of the pictures. Hope it's not boring! 
> 
> Also, content warning for Andrew thinking about pas abuse and homophobic language.

The weeks following the outing of Andrew Minyard and Neil Josten were harder than either of them expected them to be.

Neil had been so naïve, Andrew couldn’t help thinking. He’d said he wanted this over and over. He’d said he was sick of hiding and sick of not being able to go with Andrew to team events and not being able to go to dinner and not being able to just _be_ together outside of Andrew’s apartment.

But now they were facing the consequences of them being so sure of themselves. So sure Christina would swoop in and save the day like she always did.

She couldn’t this time.

The majority of the fans did not care. Some of them cared too much, bringing signs to the games with their faces covered in a rainbow overlay. Andrew never wanted this. He was not a role model for people to look up to. He was not some gay hero for people to hold on a pedestal. He was broken and wrong and had to come to terms with his sexuality in juvie after years of abuse by men who were supposed to be father figures. Who were supposed to be brother figures.

Then there were the fans who were not okay with it. Who were a minority, but a very loud minority. Who left comments on news articles about fags in the locker room. About the other players having to watch where they change. About how they did not want their children to think that living a ‘homosexual lifestyle’ was healthy or normal. He didn’t know which was worse. Being looked up to or being looked down on for something he couldn’t help and didn’t choose this time. This wasn’t him being a sociopathic monster. This was him being in the first healthy and loving relationship of his life. And yet, this was somehow wrong, too.

The nightmares had started again. He’d woken up every night this week, sweating and looking for a weapon. He always felt shaky and weak and he hated it. Hated remembering how weak he’d been then. How helpless. How small. Nothing was helping them lately.

It comes in waves.

It comes in waves and ebbs and flows, and sometimes Andrew is taken out with the tide. Sometimes he lets his head dip below the surface on purpose, because though darkness can be scary and it can be suffocating and it can be door knobs slowly opening in the middle of the night, it can also be a blanket that soothes. It can be sensory deprivation. It can  be escape.

So sometimes, Andrew doesn’t mind the darkness so much.The problem with the darkness, though, even when it soothed, was that it led down a path Andrew knew he had to walk very carefully.

That path he was on, the one he recognized now and tried to fight against, was filled with thorny bushes of self destruction and unseen traps of apathy. They were the thoughts. All the thoughts and _thinking, thinking, thinking_ about the thoughts and what they mean.

_‘If I had died when I jumped off that roof, none of this would be happening.’_

_‘Neil’s career wouldn’t be in jeopardy.’_

_‘What if he’s murdered by the Moriyamas because of this?’_

_‘Why do I destroy everything I touch?’_

Andrew was laying on the couch in his dark apartment thinking the thoughts and ignoring his ringing phone. It was Neil. He knew without looking it was Neil because Neil always called at this time of night. He was done with school and practice and dinner and homework and he would make his way to the roof, jiggle the handle to get the door open since the school tried replacing the lock after Andrew jumped, and he would call Andrew’s phone.

Andrew did not answer.

He stayed on the couch, looking at the ceiling and wondering if this would be PSU all over again. If it would be the public wondering why Neil was even with him, because he could obviously do so much better. He deserved better. Andrew couldn’t even say they were wrong.

He let out a puff of air when Sir jump on his stomach. He didn’t have the energy to push her off. She sat and looked at him with the kind of judgement only a cat can muster, her tail weaving like a snake behind her.

“What do you want from me?” Andrew asked her. “What does anyone want from me?”

Sir cocked her head to the side, ears perked. She stood then, and made her way closer up Andrew’s body. She stopped and curled up on his chest, over his heart, and purred lowly. Andrew could feel the vibrations through his shirt. He reached up a hand and placed it on Sir’s head and ran it over her body, moving his fingers through her fur. It was something tangible to hold on to while he was here, under the wave.

He closed his eyes and went to sleep. Without changing clothes without eating food without calling Neil. Just his fingers in fur and his arm over his eyes.

****

Neil ground his teeth when he heard Andrew’s generic robotic voicemail pick up, once again. He normally wouldn’t, but he left a message this time.

“Hey, it’s me. Um...I just really want to talk to you. I don’t know what’s going on, but I wish you’d tell me. So...I guess just call me back. Soon.” After hesitating for half a heartbeat he added, “I love you.”

Neil put his phone next to him on the roof where he was sitting and hugged his knees to his chest. Things seemed fine when the story came out. The first week or so wasn’t so bad. But by the time another game rolled around for Andrew, the situation had steadily deteriorated. Neil couldn’t pinpoint exactly what the issue was. He knew Andrew didn’t like the whole ‘gay icon’ thing the press was trying to spin. He didn’t like the negative comments either. But it’d only been a few weeks. It was bound to die down at some point, wasn’t it?

Neil rubbed his face with a hand. He was tired. It had been a whirlwind since the article and pictures came out. He’d taken himself completely off of press duty because of it. He refused to answer any questions about it. It was out and that was fine and he was glad he didn’t have to hide. That didn’t mean he wanted people knowing the details.

Those were for the two of them. No one else.

His phone rang and he jumped to answer it, only to see it was Kevin. Disappointment sunk deep in his belly.

“What Kevin?” Neil had been avoiding more than a text conversation with Kevin since the news broke and Kevin offered to come out to take the heat off of Neil and Andrew. Neil didn’t know how to feel about that.

“I haven’t been able to get a hold of Andrew. What’s going on with him?” Kevin asked, with something close to concern.

“He’s not answering for me either. Just give him space. You won’t be able to annoy him into answering. He’ll block your number before he does.” Neil had not smoked in months. Had not held a cigarette just for the smell. But right now he wished he had one of Andrew’s, just to hold.

“Are you two-”

“We’re fine. What do you want, Kevin? I’m about to leave for the court.” Neil was not about to leave for the court. But he thought it might be the only thing Kevin would understand.

“Okay. I’m not trying to pry, Neil. Honestly, I don’t want to know most of the time. Did you think about what I said? It’ll be easier on you if someone else is there to take the heat off.” Kevin sounded logical. He did not sound desperate or upset or excited. He was just...Kevin. Pragmatic as ever.

“Are you even listening to yourself?” Neil asked. “Kevin _‘It’ll be easier if you stay heterosexual’_ Day? Is willing to come out as bi to spare two other people?”

“I know. I know I said some stupid shit, okay. But you can’t deny it would be easier.”

Neil was all at once angry. All at once every emotion he’d tried to hold back in the face of coming out and watching Andrew slowly deteriorate emotionally over the last few weeks came rushing out of him. Vile and poison.

“Easier for _who_ , Kevin? You think it’s easy to be in a relationship and have to hide it just because of your gender?”

“Jeremy and I-”

“Are _nothing_ . Are nothing compared to what Andrew and I are. I go visit my partner in another fucking state and I can’t even go out with him, Kevin. We can’t go to dinner, we can’t go shopping, we can’t do fucking _anything_ .  I have to wear a hat to every game. I have to keep my hands to myself. We have to be ‘best bros’ if we’re spotted. Do you have any idea what that feels like? When society deems your relationship _other_ , so you have to put the most important person in the world behind you? You have to shield them and hide them to protect _other_ people. Don’t give me that _‘easier to be heterosexual’_ bullshit. That’s only true for heterosexuals.”

The line went quiet and Neil had to check his phone to make sure Kevin was still there.

“Okay. I didn’t mean to insinuate that this was easy for you. I’m just trying to let you know that I’m willing to do this in order to make things...not so focused on you. And maybe for any other players that have been wanting to take this step. That’s all,” Kevin said, speaking slowly and calmly like he was speaking to a feral animal.

“Neither of us want you to do that. If you want to come out because it’s something you want to do, fine. But don’t do it because of us. Everyone should be able to do this in the time and manner that they choose. Not because they’re forced to. I’ve wanted to do this for awhile. I didn’t want a life of hiding. I’ve hidden most of my life and I’m done now. I don’t need you to swoop in and save the day.” Neil took a deep breath, trying to reign in the anger.

“I’ll let you go. Let me know if you change your mind.”

Neil pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed.

“Thank you,” he made himself say. “For the offer. I know it’s not easy and I know what it would mean for you. We’re just...having a hard time adjusting.”

“It’s fine. Call me if you change your mind.” Kevin hung up then, and Neil immediately went to make another call. This one was not to Andrew.

****

Betsy Dobson was in the middle of her nightly routine. Remove makeup, wash face, hand cream, wrinkle cream, smut filled romance book. She was just getting settled to read when her phone rang.

She did not have this number saved in her phone. She answered purely out of curiosity and smiled when she heard who it was.

“Betsey? Uh...it’s Neil. Josten, I mean.” As if it would be any other Neil. “ I’m sorry to call you on your cell phone like this. Andrew gave me the number a while ago. Just - just in case.”

“Neil. It’s nice to hear from you. Don’t worry about the call. What can I help you with? Is Andrew okay?”

She was sure if he wasn’t, this would not be a casual call. But still, she worried. She worried every single day about Andrew. She was confident in his ability to recognize his stressors and in the tools he’d been using to combat his anxiety, but still she worried. More than she probably should, if she were being honest. From the moment Andrew Minyard had walked into her office, she could tell that this was a young man who hurt. Even through his apathy she could see the hurt underneath. The invisible scars that made him recoil at any sort of affection, physical or emotional.

He’d come so far. She knew Neil was in part responsible for that. She was glad for it, but also worried about what would come from a breakup if these two didn’t make it in the long run. Young people changed their minds everyday, and she didn’t want to think about what it would do to Andrew if Neil changed his.

“That’s why I’m calling actually. I think he’s okay, but I can’t get him to answer his phone. I know he’s having a really hard time since the news came out and I don’t know how to reach him right now.”

Neil said all of this very quickly, and Betsy hummed in thought. “Well, I haven’t spoken to him since our session last week, and you know I’m not allowed to tell you anything regarding those sessions.”

“I know, I know. I wouldn’t ask you to. I just...I didn’t know if you had any ideas of how I can get him to talk.”

“I think Andrew will talk when he’s ready to talk, and not a moment sooner. He’s done very well in Colorado, using tools to manage his stress. I think just letting him know you’re there when he’s ready is helpful enough. I know you’re probably feeling frustrated because you want to help him, but Andrew has always only accepted the help he felt he needed.”

Neil blew a puff of air into the phone. “So I do nothing, then? I just sit back and wait?”

“Yes.”

“Fine. If you talk to him just tell him...nevermind. I’ll tell him myself when I talk to him. Thanks for your help.”

“Anytime. And Neil?”

“Yeah?”

“Try not to worry too much. I’ve known Andrew a long time and I’ve seen him in a lot of different places in his recovery. One thing I’m confident in is that he’ll always come back around to you, even when he’s not feeling himself.”

Betsy could hear Neil sigh on the other end of the phone. She knew he didn’t really trust her. He’d never had a real conversation about himself. He’d asked in a roundabout way how to help Andrew. _‘So what helps anxiety? Is there anything out there that can help calm? Something I can buy?’_

“Thanks, Betsy. Talk to you later.”

“Goodbye, Neil.”

Betsy put her phone on the nightstand and stared at it a moment. She was tempted to call Andrew, just to see if he’d answer. In the end she knew it was better for him to come to her. It was better for him to be able to recognize at this point in his recovery that he needed to reach out. So, she didn’t. She worried and she fretted just a bit, but she knew better than to try and mother him, as much as she might want to.

Betsey turned off her light and got under her blankets, suddenly not in the mood to read.

****

Andrew found himself in Christina’s office after practice. He wasn’t even sure why he was here. He never called Neil back last night. Hadn’t talked to him today. But he’d listened to his message six times this morning.

_‘I love you I love you I love you.’_

“You knew this wouldn’t be easy,” Christina was saying. “You knew this could happen and what the fallout would be.”

Andrew slumped down in the chair and leaned his head back. “Yeah, well. Living it is different I guess. What is management saying?”

Christina took her glasses off and set them to the side, rubbing her eyes. Andrew knew she felt guilty for not being able to stop the pictures, but he wasn’t mad at her. He and Neil both agreed if it got out, it got out. They weren’t ashamed of each other or their relationship, but they were both private people by nature and he didn’t think either one of them thought about just how much they were going to be scrutinized.

“Not much. I honestly don’t think they’re that concerned. They come out of this looking great as long as they keep saying how much they support you.”

The day after the pictures were released, management released a statement along the lines of _‘We support all of our players regardless of race/gender/sexual orientation. We do not support the outing of these players without their express consent, and we do not tolerate discrimination of any kind from anyone involved with the Denver Thunder.’_

A load of bullshit, basically. It was in their best interest to keep Andrew and support him, or face the backlash of the LGBTQIA community and decent people everywhere. Andrew had not lost any sponsors - yet. He’d actually had a slew of new requests for photoshoots and interviews and he turned them all down. It was out, there was nothing he could do about that. But he didn’t want to give it any more attention than necessary. He just wanted it to go away.

“Hey,” Christina said, pulling Andrew from his thoughts. “This is nothing compared to what I’ve seen some other athletes come back from. You’ll be fine.”

“And Neil? Will _he_ be fine? He’s not already contracted to a team. He doesn’t already have sponsorships. What does this mean for _his_ career?”

Christina considered him for a moment before standing up and walking around her desk. She sat in the chair next to Andrew’s and leaned towards him.

“I don’t know, _precioso_ . I can’t answer that question. But I think he’ll be fine. He’s a damn good exy player and the teams will see that. They won’t care. He’ll get picked up by _someone_.”

“But not Denver?”

“Probably not Denver. They’d be stupid not to, but I can see them worrying about having two people in a relationship on the team. It can...complicate things.” Christina said, looking at Andrew seriously.

“Have they said anything?” He was afraid of the answer, but he needed to know. They had gotten Johnson off the team and Andrew was glad. But it would seem pointless if they couldn’t also get Neil _on_ the team. That had been phase two of the plan.

“No. This is just me speaking from experience with management. But, I could be wrong. We just have to wait and see. You should really think about doing an interview with Josten. Try and spin this in your favor. College sweethearts in a committed relationship-”

“I’m done now.” Andrew got up from the chair and left the office before Christina could say anything else. He wouldn’t be doing any interviews. He didn’t care how much it would help.

As he made his way home that evening, he thought about that forever they always talked about. It seemed impossibly far away. Andrew didn’t mind waiting. He didn’t think Neil did either, but Neil was always a special kind of stupid. He knew they fit. He knew they existed on a plane above the real world, because they actually knew what the real world was like. But he still couldn’t deny the fact that there were probably a million other _someones_ out there who had a lot less baggage.

Nevertheless, Neil was his. And he belonged to Neil fully. He’d surrendered to it and now there was no going back.

So why was he ignoring the calls of the person he’d surrendered to? His phone buzzed in his pocket as soon as he walked through the door of his apartment. He dropped his bags and simultaneously picked up Sir and pulled his phone from his pocket. It was Kevin. Another call he’d been avoiding. He answered before he could think about it too hard, just to get this conversation over with.

“What?” he answered.

“I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for weeks,” Kevin said, his annoyance clear.

“Well you have me. What do you want?” Andrew hugged Sir to his chest one handed before putting her back on the floor.

“Did Neil tell you what we talked about?”

“He told me you’re an idiot and offered to out yourself to take the heat off of us. Is that what you mean?”

Kevin sighed. “Look, I’m just trying to help here, okay? Take it or don’t. Neil has already shot it down, but I wanted to talk to you, too.”

Andrew rubbed his eyes. “I know what you’re trying to do, Kevin. But I’m not just saying no to be an asshole. I don’t think the ‘son of exy’ coming out right now would help. I think it would make things worse and it would put the people who aren’t ready to come out yet on edge. We’d be facing even _more_ media attention, especially since we were all on the same college team.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. That makes sense, I guess. You should’ve heard the speech Neil gave me,” Kevin said, and Andrew could hear the smile creeping into his voice.

“I’m sure it was colorful.”

“Oh, yeah. Colorful and just so damn sweet, Andrew. _‘You don’t know what it’s like to put the most important person in the world behind you, Kevin. You and Jeremy are nothing compared to me and Andrew, Kevin. I have to hide behind a hat and keep my hands to myself, Kevin.’_ If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that guy has a thing for you. No accounting for taste, I guess.”

Andrew’s stomach dropped uncomfortably. He’d been treating Neil like shit and he still came to his defense like this. “He’s an idiot.”

“That much is clear. Okay, so I won’t come out. Yet. But I’m serious, Andrew. Let me know if you need anything. I know most days you could take me or leave me, but I appreciate what you did for me in college. Both of you. I know I was a coward most of the time and I know I’ve always been frustratingly single minded. But - I don’t know. Things have changed I guess. I’ve been going to therapy and this whole thing with Wymack and the cancer has kind of made me re-evaluate how I look at things, you know?”

“Good luck on your redemption tour. I’m going to bed now.” Andrew hung up the phone and tossed it on the couch. It was later than it normally was when he got home, and after staring at the contents of his fridge for 15 minutes, he decided to fuck it all and go to bed.

It was 10 o’clock before he realized Neil hadn’t tried to call him.

Why would he? Andrew had been ignoring his calls the past couple of day and had only sent a few texts. Is this how they end? Just slowly stopping communication until one day they both realized they hadn’t talked in a month? Or was this just Neil trying to give Andrew space to figure shit out? Andrew threw the blanket off of himself and got out of the bed. He wasn’t going to be able to sleep again tonight. Didn’t _want_ to sleep tonight. Didn’t want to see the faces in his nightmares that he’d been trying to forget. That he would never forget.

He wandered into his living room and found the coloring books and colored pencils Neil had gotten him for Christmas. He sat down on the floor in front of the table and opened one up to a page he hadn’t finished yet. He colored and he colored and he thought about Neil and he colored.

And he thought about Neil.

It was almost midnight at that point, but he picked up his phone anyway.

“Andrew?” Neil answered. His voice was sleep rough and he sounded worried. “Are you okay?”

Andrew took a deep breath and closed his eyes. And then he realized.

He’d been punishing himself. When he let the wave pull him under, when he was on the path of self-destruction and apathy, he punished himself. He did not talk to Neil because somewhere deep down, he didn’t believe he _deserved_ to talk to Neil. He didn’t deserve the life preserver that would help him find the surface, that would help him breathe, that would help him feel the sun on his face again. So, he pushed Neil away.

But he was reaching for it now.

“I’m fine,” he said, lowly. “Were you asleep?”

“No.”

_Liar._

“I was laying in the bed but I hadn’t fallen asleep yet. I’m glad you called.” Andrew could hear him shuffling, could hear the bedroom door closing behind him, could hear Neil settling himself on the couch in the common area.

“What’s going on with you?” Neil asked. Andrew stayed quiet. He didn’t know how to answer. He felt like he owed Neil an explanation but also felt like he wouldn’t need one.

“I can’t sleep,” he settled on, and he heard Neil sigh.

“Have the nightmares started again?”

“Yes. I’m just...I’m shit at dealing with things. This is harder than I thought it would be. Everyone wants us to do interviews and be Andreil or some other stupid celebrity couple name and I can’t be that. And if they don’t want that, they want us to burn in the fiery pits of hell.”

“Andreil?” Neil’s smile through the phone hit him and it was like that sunshine on his face.

“You know what I mean.”

Neil hummed. “Why do you care if they want us to burn in hell? I mean, let’s face it. If there’s really a hell we’re going there for reasons a lot better than fucking guys.”

“I know. Fuck, do I know.” Andrew ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “It’s just annoying, I guess. To be told that we’re wrong when this is the first thing in my life that’s felt right.” Andrew reached out a hand into the space in front of him like he could take it back. Like he could grab it out of the air, take it from the universe.

He meant it. Of course he meant it. But saying things like that out loud still made him feel very small and very afraid. Neil was quiet on the other end of the phone. Andrew resisted the urge to hang up and turn his phone off long enough for Neil to respond.

“And here I was,” he said softly. “Thinking you’d decided you didn’t want me afterall, with the media attention on us.”

“You’ve always been an idiot.” Neil _had_ always been an idiot, and Andrew had always wanted to kiss him. Since he had looked up at him in the locker room of Millport High, clutching his stomach and hiding his eyes and his hair and his scars, something still stirred inside of Andrew. It was what made him so determined to figure Neil out in the beginning. He couldn’t resist, even on the meds.

Now was no different. He still wanted to kiss him and was briefly outraged that he couldn’t right then when he needed to.

“Yes, you’ve always been sure to tell me. Look, this has been hard for me, too. I don’t like this. I don’t like dealing with it. I don’t like people looking at me even closer than they were already looking at me. But you’re worth that, Andrew. Even if I’m not drafted by Denver, we’re no worse off than we were before, and now we don’t have to hide. Don’t you realize what this means?”

“No, tell me.”

“It means you have to take me out to dinner every single night I’m there next time.”

Andrew rolled his eyes and huffed. “You’re dreaming, Josten.”

Neil laughed and that thing that lived inside of Andrew, that thing that spins and coils and radiates warmth, that thing that comes alive when Neil is talking to him - it came alive then, and Andrew felt warm for the first time in weeks.

“How is our daughter, by the way?”

“If you’re talking about the cat, I gave her to a homeless guy who looked really hungry,” Andrew said, running a hand over Sir’s back and watching her arch into it. “I’m sure she’s fine.”

“Mmmhmm sure. You guys are best friends now, aren’t you?”

“Absolutely not,” Andrew replied rubbing his cheek against Sir’s cheek.

“You should go to bed.” Neil stifled a yawn.

I’ll let you go. Just call me tomorrow.”

“No wait,” Neil said, and Andrew paused. “Want me to tell you a bedtime story?”

“A...what?” _Such a fucking idiot_.

“A bedtime story. Come on, it’ll be fun and it’ll help you go to sleep.”

“Because you’re so boring?” Andrew guessed.

“Yes, exactly. Now, once upon a time there was a Prince. He was very handsome and lived in a big castle-”

“Was his name Andrew?”

“What? Of course not. His name was Neil. Stop interrupting.” Andrew smiled and switched the phone to his other ear, getting on the couch and getting comfortable. “His name was Neil and he was the best...sword fighter in all the lands. One day, he met a poor homeless urchin named Andrew.”

“Oh. Excellent, a poor homeless urchin.”

“Hush.”

“Sorry.”

“So there’s a poor homeless urchin named Andrew, and he hated sword fighting. But the Prince knew how good he was and he was also pretty hot-”

“So they decided to...sword fight? Together? With their dicks?”

Neil sighed. “You’ve ruined the story. Yes, they sword fought with their dicks and they fucked all night long and the Prince couldn’t walk the next day. The end.”

“Wow. I wasn’t sure in the beginning but it really ended strong. Ten out of ten, would definitely recommend.”

Neil laughed again, and Andrew _did_ surprisingly feel like he could sleep. Maybe not sleepy exactly, but content. Warm. Better.

“Hey,” Neil said, like Neil always said. “Go get some sleep, okay? I know you have to be at the gym early.”

Andrew sighed and rubbed his eyes. “I’m sorry. That I ignored your calls.”

“Don’t be. I’m never going to be mad at you for trying to deal with shit the best way you know how. As long as you aren’t hurting yourself and as long and you come back around to me. We’ll be okay.”

“I love you,” Andrew said. Because Neil was too good for him, but he knew if it said it out loud, Neil would try to argue. So he said this instead.

“I know. Go to sleep. Call me tomorrow when you break for lunch. I don’t want to wait until tomorrow night.”

“Okay.”

“And I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!  
> Come say hi to me on [tumblr!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/jtmann182)


	16. Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Neil's birthday and stuff. :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY LOOK AN UPDATE! I'm so sorry this took so long. But bless those of you who have been asking for it. You really got my ass in gear to get it done! It's a short one, but I hope you enjoy! We're getting so close to the end! <3
> 
> CW for an explicit scene near the end.
> 
> PS I'm so sorry if this is a mess, I wanted to get it up and could only read through once!

Tomorrow was March 31st. Which meant it was Neil Josten’s birthday.

Neil never really thought much about his birthday. The other Foxes always tried to make a big deal about it, and Neil supposed it was really nice to have lived to see another year. But other than that, he couldn’t be bothered.

Especially this year.

This year Neil’s birthday was on a Saturday and it coincided with one of the last games of the championship. They were playing the Trojans at home, and Neil was fucking terrified.

The Trojans were, hands down, their biggest competition. Losing Jeremy Knox had done nothing to quell their sunny outlooks and polite but deadly playing style. This was the last game before finals. This was going to determine who played in the championship. Might determine what professional teams offered Neil a spot.

So far, the outing of his relationship with Andrew didn’t seem to be hurting his chances for being drafted. He’d had a few offers from teams in California, New York, Texas and Florida. He didn’t want any of them. If he was being completely objective, New York would probably be the team he would choose if he didn’t also have Andrew to consider. But he did have Andrew to consider, and being that far away for however many years it would take was not something Neil wanted to contemplate.

He’d never know if there were teams that did not try to draft him specifically because of his relationship. He suspected though, that it was the reason Denver hadn’t come calling despite being down a striker.

Neil sighed and threw an arm over his eyes from his spot on his bunk. He couldn’t sleep. He hadn’t been able to talk to Andrew all day. The season was over for him. Denver was knocked out of the finals last week, and although for Neil that would mean he was just done with the season, for Andrew it meant a ton of post season press and team meetings. He was in meetings all day today and had an event tomorrow night, so he would probably end up missing Neil’s game. And his birthday.

Not that Neil cared. Nope. Not one bit.

He startled when his phone rang and scrambled to answer it before it stopped. He smiled when he saw who it was.

“Shouldn’t you be in a very important meeting with very important people talking about all the very important money you make the team?” Neil answered, unable to keep the smile from his voice.

_‘Probably. Shouldn’t you be running around a court right now and yelling at Fletcher to stop jerking his dick on the court?’_

Neil frowned. “His - what? Why would he do that on the court? I mean, I know you and I had that one time on the court but I don’t think-”

_‘It was a joke, idiot. Although, that one time on court was a good night. Watching you limp around at practice the next day really put a spring in my step.’_

Neil laughed at that, and felt his face heat, remembering. “Yeah, well. I can give you a play by play, if you want? Remind you of all the super embarrassing things to you said to me when you-”

 _‘I’m good, thanks. I’m outside of the building and this is the wrong masterbatory asthetic.’_ Neil could hear Andrew shuffling around, like he was sitting on the ground.

“Hmmm, okay I’ll stop. But later let’s talk more about your masterbatory asthetic. I’m intrigued. Really, though. How are the meetings going?”

Andrew let out a breath. _‘Fine, I guess. Same bullshit as usual.’_ Andrew was quiet for a minute, and Neil waited. There was more, he could tell. _‘They’re starting to scout for a new striker.’_

Neil flopped back down onto his bed and rubbed his face. “And? Any chance of seeing some Denver scouts tomorrow?”

_‘I don’t know. They won’t tell me anything. Christina won’t even tell me anything. She doesn’t want to get my hopes up, I think.’_

“Doesn’t she know you never hope for anything?” Neil said around a laugh, but it was hollow. Andrew never did hope for anything.

But Neil knew deep down he’d been hoping for this.

 _‘Apparently not,’_ Andrew replied. _‘If they don’t, they don’t. It is what it is. No point crying about it.’_

“Yeah,” Neil said. “No point.” He rubbed his face again and turned to his side, the phone pressed as close to his ear as he could get it.

“So, when will I see you? Do I have to wait until championships are over?” Probably, he knew. But he didn’t want to.

_‘It’ll be less stressful then, when you don’t have practices to worry about. Then we’ll have the summer, at least. Until you go wherever you decide to go. Which will probably be New York.’_

“New York? Why would it be New York?” Andrew knew him too well and he was annoyed by it.

_‘Because I know that’s where you want to go, out of the offers you’ve gotten. You like the team. It’s close to Boyd.’_

“But it’s not close to you. Texas would be closer.”

_‘You’d be miserable in Texas. Don’t make this decision based on me. Don’t you fucking dare. I could get traded next year, and then what? It doesn’t matter where you are, we’ll figure it out. But just...don’t do that. I’ll shove an exy stick down your throat, do you understand?’_

“You could shove something else-”

_‘Don’t make jokes right now. I’m serious.’_

Neil sighed and sat up in the bed. He knew Andrew was serious. Knew Andrew would never want him to make this decision based solely on how close they would be to each other. If Neil were talking to anyone else about this situation, he’d be able to look at this logically. If it was Dan and Matt he’d say, ‘Hey, you guys will be fine. Do what you need to do now. This is a once in a lifetime.’

He was not good at taking his own advice.

“Fine. I won’t consider you at all. Happy?”

_‘Over the moon. I have to go. I’ll try and call tomorrow before your game if I can get out of this event in time.’_

“Okay...bye.”

Andrew hung up the phone and Neil stared at the blank screen for much longer than necessary.

****

Andrew sidled into the meeting room and tried to sneak into the back where he wouldn’t be noticed. No such luck. He thought this would be a meeting with the whole team. It ended up being management and a handful of players

“Minyard. Nice of you to join us. Come sit up here.” It was Allan Sheppard, one of the team managers.

A lot of the team was present, but not all. Andrew made his way to the front and sat at an empty seat next to Maxwell and across from Bridges.

“So, as you know we have a few changes to the line up this year. It was a real kick to lose Johnson,” Sheppard said, shaking his head.

Bridges snorted before Andrew could get to it. “No one is mourning the loss of that asshole Allan. Get on with it.”

Sheppard gave him a stern look before continuing. “We have a few strikers we’re looking to draft. One from Georgia and one from Tennessee. There’s another one-”

“I’m sorry for interrupting, Sheppard,” said Maxwell, leaning his elbows on the table to see him better. “But why aren’t we trying to recruit Josten? He’s the best striker in the NCAA  and I know he’s probably had plenty of other offers by now.”

Andrew looked down at his hands, laced together on the table. He wanted to nod his head smugly, but he didn’t think his input would help Neil’s case. The room had gone quiet and he knew they were looking at him.

“Minyard.”

Andrew looked up and tried to seem as blank as possible.

“You’re not an idiot. You know the reason why we haven’t already tried to recruit Josten is because of your relationship.”

“I know.”

“It would be a disaster for the team if-”

“I said I know,” Andrew said, through his teeth. “I get it. If we fought or broke up it would fuck up team dynamics. But I think you’re making a mistake. And I think you’re underestimating how dedicated Neil is to this game.”

“Are we underestimating your dedication to the game, Minyard?”

“You’re underestimating my dedication to my relationship.”

There was some uncomfortable shifting at that, and Andrew didn’t care. Good. Let them see. This wasn’t a fling. This wasn’t casual. This wasn’t something that was going to end abruptly and fuck up the team.

“You know what?” Andrew started, determined to make them understand. “If something happened between Josten and I, I’d leave the team willingly. How about that? I’ll gladly walk away from my contract without suing you and let you have him.”

Sheppard looked hard at Andrew. “Are you willing to put that in writing?”

“Yes. I’ll sign it right now.”

Bridges was shaking his head and Maxwell was trying very hard to conceal a smile behind his hand.

“We’ll take it into consideration. We can’t deny Josten would be a valuable asset. But we can’t afford to lose our starting goalie.”

Andrew was about to open his mouth to argue before he processed what had just been said.

“Starting...what?” He looked to bridges who was smiling a crooked smile at him.

“Why do you think I’ve been content to let you start so often this season?” he asked, still grinning. “Honestly, I’ve been waiting until we got one that was up to snuff, and you’re the best one we’ve seen since I started on this team.”

“I know,” Andrew said, because there was no point denying it. “But what does this mean? You’re retiring?”

“Yep. My husband and I are ready to just be together. Can’t do that with this schedule.”

Andrew looked back to Sheppard. “Recruit Neil. You’re insane if you don’t. With me in goal and him on your starting line, this team will be unstoppable. Don’t waste this opportunity. He’s had offers from five other teams and championships aren’t even over yet.” He looked each member of management in the eye. “It’ll go down as the worst mistake this team has made, right behind drafting Johnson.”

“We’ll think about it.”

****

Neil was in the locker room at the Foxhole Court, checking the strings on his racquet. He didn’t need to be here yet. The team had practice that morning and they were due at the stadium 45 minutes before the game started for warm up drills.

He was there 2 hours early.

The Trojans hadn’t even arrived yet. Neil imagined they would soon, but for now, he felt like he was the only one in the stadium. He knew there was probably crew somewhere. Janitors maybe. But he still felt alone in that moment.

He set his racquet aside and rubbed his palms on the shorts of his uniform. He was excited. He was nervous. He was terrified. But he put it all aside when his phone rang.

“I was worried you wouldn’t be able to call me.”

 _‘I told you I would try before the game,’_ Andrew said, like Neil was being especially thick.

“I know. I just wasn’t sure.” Neil held the phone between his ear and his shoulder and rubbed the tiny A tattoo on his wrist. He sighed. “I’m nervous.”

_‘Why? Just go play the game. What else is there to do?’_

Neil huffed. “You’re infuriating, you know that? I’m trying to complain and be nervous and you’re just so...so...logical. Can’t you think with your emotions for once like the rest of us peasants?”

Andrew let out a small laugh. _‘Go to the court.’_

“What?”

_‘I know you’re already at the stadium and that no one else is because you’re ridiculous. Go out onto the court. Just humor me.’_

Neil rolled his eyes even though Andrew couldn’t see him. “Fine.”

He got up from his seat and walk out to the court, leaving the doors open behind him. He stood in the middle, right on top of the fox paw.

“Okay, Tony Robbins. What other bits of wisdom do you have for me?”

_‘We’ll come back to that Tony Robbins remark later. Close your eyes.’_

Neil obeyed. “Closed.”

_‘Now, think about exactly what you want to happen this game. Exactly how you want it to go. If you could have anything from this game what would it be?’_

To win, Neil thought. But more than that, he supposed.

“To play the best game I’ve played. To show anyone watching that I deserve to be here. To show people who haven’t tried to draft me for whatever reason that they’re making a mistake. To have you, here. Watching me play.”

“I can help with one of those.”

Neil startled and spun around and before he could even think or process…

He punched Andrew straight in the face.

“What the fuck!?” Andrew yelled.

“WHAT THE FUCK, ANDREW?!

Andrew was clutching his cheek and Neil was flapping his hands around like that was somehow a helpful line of action.

“Why would you sneak up on me like that?! You should know better! If I’d done that to you, you probably would’ve stabbed me!” Neil put a hand on the one clutching Andrew’s face and tried to pull it away.

“Let me see. Stop being a baby, let me see it.”

Andrew dropped his hand and glared at Neil. He gingerly prodded his lip with his tongue and touched a finger to it to make sure it wasn’t bleeding.

“Thankfully you can’t punch worth a damn.”

Neil dropped his hands and crossed his arms. “I wasn’t ready.”

Andrew rolled his eyes and Neil took a step forward. Andrew raised a brow.

“Are you ready this time?”

Neil pulled him closer by the bottom of his shirt. “What the hell are you doing here?” he said quietly. “Don’t you have some sort of function tonight?”

Andrew moved even closer. “Thinking with my emotions. They were there all along. Who knew?”

Neil tipped his head back and laughed, and then finally wrapped his arms around Andrew’s shoulders and buried his face in his neck. “I’m glad you’re here. However you managed it, I’m glad you’re here.”

“Happy birthday.”

****

Andrew stood on the sidelines with Wymack during the game. He could’ve sat in the crowd. Probably could’ve even swung a seat in a box. But he liked being on the side.

It gave him the best view of Neil’s ass in those shorts.

“What’s with the bruise on your face?” Wymack asked him, squinting at his cheek.

Andrew rubbed the spot and dropped his hand when he realized what he was doing. “I got in a fight with a biker. Big guy. He’s in the hospital.”

“Yeah?” Wymack asked. “And here I was thinking Josten punched you for sneaking up behind him.”

Andrew rolled his eyes. “Yeah, well. He punches like a bitch.”

“I don’t know, he did a number on that guy that tried to jump him. Maybe you’re just special.”

Andrew snorted and turned back to the game. They were in the last quarter and PSU was down by a point. Neil was killing himself out there, carrying the game. The rest of the team played well, better than the team played when Neil was a freshman. But this was the trojans and they didn’t feel the need to throw the foxes a bone like they’d done that year.

Andrew watched the last five minutes of the game, almost breathless at Neil’s determination. He was going to do it. He was actually going to pull this off.

Wymack was burning a path into the floor, pacing up and down with clipboard in hand. Andrew wanted to tell him to sit down and be still, but he didn’t feel like getting chewed out in the last minute of the game.

As it was, Neil had the ball. Neil had the ball and he was running to goal and Andrew held his breath. This was it, this was it, he was going to-

He did it. Neil threw the ball as hard as he could and scored the winning goal in the last minute of the game.

He jogged away from the goal and tore off his helmet before being swarmed by teammates. Andrew saw his head turn, saw his eyes searching for him. He stepped closer to the plexiglass and watched Neil’s smile bloom as their eyes locked, watched as he lifted his arm and kissed it right on the A on his wrist. And Andrew couldn’t help it.

He smiled, too.

****

Two hours later, Andrew and Neil and most of the rest of the team were at Eden’s. They’d secured a few tables on the upper level, and Roland had sent them all a round of drinks as a congratulations, which Andrew also enjoyed.

Neil’s success was his success, after all.

It was a good night. Neil was happy. He was laughing and smiling and so Andrew felt okay, too. Felt like he could let his guard down, just a little. He picked up a shot and Neil leaned over so he’d be heard above the music.

“The Denver Thunder is going to be so displeased if their goalie ends up drunk on a dancefloor.” Andrew could feel his breath against his neck and shivered.

“Starting goalie.”

Neil drew back quickly to look Andrew in the face. “What? Are you serious?”

“I’m always serious.”

Neil laughed and threw his arms around Andrew. “I’m so fucking happy right now! That’s amazing!”

Andrew wrapped his arms around Neil’s waist and pulled him closer. “I know. I’m nothing if not amazing.”

Neil laughed again and caught Andrew’s mouth with his. Andrew was surprised for only a moment before he remembered.

It didn’t matter anymore. Everyone knew. Let someone take a picture. It’d been too long since they were in the same room and Andrew didn’t give a damn.

“HEY!” They both pulled apart and looked up. Robyn had joined them at the table. “None of that, okay? Save it for later when those of us who are not getting any don’t have to see it.”

Andrew stood and pulled Neil with him. “I think we’ll take care of it now.”

He dragged Neil through the crowd, caught Roland’s eye and nodded at the wink he gave, before making his way back to the store room that was the scene of a few sessions of getting off with Roland while thinking about Neil.

Andrew pulled Neil in and slammed the door, locking it behind him. He crowded Neil until his back was against the wall and took his mouth again. Neil didn’t hesitate. He picked up a leg and wrapped it around Andrew’s waist, and Andrew dropped a hand to hold it in place, rocking his hips against Neil’s.

Neil let out a breath. “Fuck. I missed you. I missed this. I’m so proud of you. Starting goalie your second year do you even know-”

Andrew cut him off with a kiss. “I’m not talking about exy right now,” he said against Neil’s mouth. Neil laughed.

“Okay. What would you like to talk about then? How about that masterbatory aesthetic? Is this the right setting for you?”

Andrew dropped his leg and fell to his knees in front of Neil. “Yes.”

He quickly got Neil’s jeans down where he needed them, and proceeded to take his partner apart, the best way he knew how. He closed his eyes and listened. The pounding of the club music was gone. The shouts of people outside were gone. The only things he could hear were Neil’s quiet moans and the pounding of his own heart.

“Stop,” Neil said, and Andrew pulled away immediately. “I don’t want to come yet. Come here.” Andrew stood and they were kissing again. Messy and fast and deep and Neil was unbuttoning Andrew’s pants, hesitating just a moment to see if Andrew would stop him.

He didn’t. He couldn’t. These were the times. These were the times when Andrew felt so out of control, so at a loss to explain his own reactions and emotions.

_I want to see you lose control._

This was it, Andrew thought. This was it and he was powerless against it. So he didn’t fight it. He let go. Pushed Neil further into the wall so that they rubbed together, both of them hissing at the contact.

“We need to go,” Andrew said. “We need to go now. I need to be inside you.”

And then he froze. Because those words had left his mouth and he felt like an idiot. But Neil only kissed up his neck. Neil only ran his tongue behind his ear. Neil only whispered with his cheek against Andrew’s.

“Then be inside me. Come home, Andrew.”

Andrew gritted his teeth and squeezed Neil’s hips harder where he was holding on to them, but Neil only turned around. Only put his hands against the wall. Only looked over his shoulder, so Andrew could see his face and the ‘MINYARD’ on the back of the Denver jersey he thought it’d be funny to wear.

It was suddenly very not funny as Andrew grabbed a hold of it, balled it in a fist, and used it to pull Neil’s hips into his.

“Do it, Andrew.”

Andrew was torn. Did he want to fuck right here in this store room? Absolutely. He was sure there was something he may have wanted more in his lifetime, but right now he couldn’t think of it. On the other hand, they were in a storeroom. And Neil wanted Andrew to fuck him right here with all the boxes of liqour and dust and, and….and Andrew couldn’t remember where he was going with this argument.

“We don’t have anything here,” Andrew said, pressing his cock to rub on Neil’s ass and clenching his teeth to keep his moan in.

“In my wallet,” Neil said breathless. “In my wallet there’s a little packet of lube. Get it. Now.”

“Why the fuck-”

“Later. Just get it.”

So, Andrew did. He reached down into Neil’s back pocket which was somewhere around his knees at this point. Andrew opened it up and pulled out a tiny packet of lube that he wasn’t sure would be enough. He liked to be thorough.

He wouldn’t know until he tried.

Andrew ripped the packet open and dropped Neil’s wallet on the floor. He spread some on his fingers and set to work, rubbing Neil’s ass and back with his other hand as he went. As he made sure Neil was taken care of. As he spent a little extra time there, just to be able to hear the sounds coming out of Neil’s mouth.

“I’m ready. Hurry up before someone comes back here,” Neil said, breathless. He pushed back further and arched his back. Andrew had to bite his lip at the sight.

“No one’s coming back here,” he said, using the rest of the lube to get himself ready. “Roland knows where we are.”

“Then what are you wait-aaaaaaaah.”

Andrew smiled and pushed Neil closer to the wall so his chest was flush against it and his back was arched to keep Andrew firmly in place. Andrew started to move, leaning his head down so  that his lips were against Neil’s neck. He found that spot. The one right behind Neil’s ear and gave it a soft kiss.

“I like seeing you in my jersey,” Andrew said against his skin, and pushed a little harder. Neil moaned and tried to clutch the wall harder. “I like knowing you’re mine.” Another kiss, lower this time. “I like having you like this.”

Neil was pushing back now. Their hips moving together, pushing and pulling and slowing. Slowing to a less frantic pace as Andrew ran his hands under Neil’s jersey and rubbed his stomach. Rubbed his chest. Ran his hands over his scars and kissed the place where his neck and shoulder joined together before using one hand to reach in front of Neil. One hand to take Neil where he wanted to go.

Neil moaned louder and Andrew bit his neck. Going just a little faster now, because he could tell Neil was close, and he was close too. One more twist of his wrist and Neil was spilling himself onto the concrete floor.

Andrew was right behind him. He left go of Neil, using one hand to push the jersey up his back and the other to finish himself off. He stood, clutching himself and panting before coming to his senses.

He looked up at Neil. He had one arm pressed against the wall, and his head was resting on it. Out of breath just like Andrew.

Andrew looked around for something to clean up with, and when he couldn’t find anything, he took off the shirt he was wearing, then the tank top he had on underneath and used that to wipe them both off.

Neil stood up straight when he was clean and winced a little. “Thanks,” he said.

“For fucking you in the store room?” Andrew asked, pulling his shirt back on and tossing the tank top into a trash can in the corner.

“For pulling out so I didn’t have to walk around...you know.”

Andrew righted his pants and stepped up to Neil and began to right his as well. “What kind of gentleman would I be if I let you walk around like that?”

Neil leaned forward for a kiss. “Not one at all.”

****

Later that night, in the hotel room Andrew had insisted on getting because he refused to sleep in the dorm with strangers, Neil finally asked.

“So, are you going to tell me how you did it?”

“Are you going to tell me why you had a packet of lube in your wallet?” Andrew replied, eyes closed and one arm behind his head.

Neil shrugged even though Andrew wasn’t looking. “Kai got a hold of a bunch somewhere and I snagged one when we stopped at the dorm so I could change.”

Andrew opened his eyes and looked over at him. “This was your plan all along wasn’t it? Drag me to a dirty storage room and make me fuck you. Wow, Josten. I’m flattered.”

“I like to be prepared. Now tell me how you did it.”

“Did what?”

“Skipped out on the event you had tonight. You seemed pretty sure you couldn’t get out of it.”

Neil was sitting next to where Andrew was laying in the bed, legs crossed and hands in his lap. He was too excited to sleep. Too happy to have Andrew here with him.

“I wanted to deliver your birthday present in person. I convinced them it was in their best interest to let me come.”

Neil furrowed a brow. “I don’t understand.”

Andrew sat up, and faced Neil in the bed. He crossed his legs so they were knee to knee and looked at Neil with a tiny smirk in the corner of his mouth.

“We had a meeting. Where they told me they were making me starting goalie. They also talked about striker recruits.”

Neil’s heart leapt. “Oh?”

“Oh,” Andrew said nodding. “They told me they were concerned about having us on the same team. If we were to break up or whatever, it would fuck the team dynamic up. So they didn’t want to recruit you.”

Neil bit his lip. This couldn’t be it. Obviously, they had assumed as much.

“But…” Neil said hopefully.

“But. I told them they were crazy if they didn’t go after you. I told them I’d sign something saying if our relationship was to affect the team, I’d leave my contract without suing.”

Neil’s stomach dropped. “Are you insane?!”

“Some think so.”

“I’m serious! That could ruin your career! If you have to walk away from a contract the chances of you getting drafted again are slim! You didn’t sign it. Please tell me you didn’t sign it.”

Andrew looked Neil straight in his eyes, daring him to argue. “I signed it this morning. With the stipulation they let me out of the event tonight.”

Neil jumped up from the bed “Oh my god. What is wrong with you? You go on and on about me not making a decision of where to go based on you and then you pull this?!”

Andrew stood too and took Neil by the shoulders to stop him from pacing. “I signed it because I’m not worried about it. Are you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Do you really see this ending? With all that talk of forever starting and being in the same place and cats. Do you really see something happening that could ruin us?”

Neil stopped. “No. But you know as well as I do that sometimes life is shit Andrew. Sometimes life gets in the way and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it.”

“If that happens,” Andrew said, grabbing the back of Neil’s neck and pulling him close so that they were forehead to forehead. “If that happens I don’t want to play exy. I’m only here in this place because of you. I’d walk away anyway, even if we weren’t on the same team.”

Neil audibly swallowed. Some part of him knew, he supposed, that he was the main reason Andrew still played exy. That he would’ve stopped after college if it hadn’t been Neil’s dream.

“Okay?” Andrew asked.

“Okay.”

Andrew let go and took a step back. “Good. Recruiters will be at the final game. Hope you’re ready.”


	17. Moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PSU has their last game of the season, and Neil has a meeting with certain people from Denver.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CAN YOU BELIEVE?! 
> 
> It's finally up. It's here. It's a miracle! 
> 
> So, the next chapter is going to be the last one. I'm going to get it out before we start on part II of Red Rabbits so that I can concentrate on that, so hopefully it's here fairly soon! Thank you to everyone who stuck around through the lags in this fic! I appreciate all of you who read and comment and interact with me on tumblr. It means so much! 
> 
> See you back here soon!

_Breathe in, breathe out._

Neil was in the locker room, elbows braced on knees and hands laced together in front of him. His head was bowed. From an outsider perspective, it may have looked like he was in the middle of praying.

He was not.

He was just trying very, very hard not to lose his shit right before this game.

_Breathe in, breathe out._

The scouts from Denver were already here. They’d talked to Wymack, and Neil had agreed to a meeting after the game. Would they still want him, though? If he choked? If he fucked up and they lost this game? This was the thing he’d been waiting for. This was the reason he hadn’t committed to any other teams.

Andrew was here, too. Somewhere in the stands. He didn’t know if he was sitting with the team management that had come or if he was somewhere else. He wished he was in this locker room, next to him on this bench. A hand on the back of his neck and a word whispered in his ear.

_Breathe in, breathe out._

He’d given the team his pregame pep-talk with Wymack. He’d told them it didn’t matter if they lost this one. They’d played hard all season. They lost a player, Neil was down for the count after the fight, and still.

_Still._

This team was a good one. And Neil felt like he should be more upset that this was their last game, but he was too focused on beating the ass of any Raven player to got in his way tonight.

“Josten!” Neil’s head snapped up, out of the daze he’d been in. He met Wymack’s eyes. “It’s time.”

Neil stood to take his spot at the front of the line, barely hearing the _‘We got this, captin!’_ and _‘Let’s fucking kick their asses’ on_ his way.

He stood in front of the doors, waiting for them to open.

_Breathe in, breathe out._

Was this the first moment of forever?

****

Andrew sat in the stands. He was not in a box. He was not on the sidelines. He was not even with the members of management that had come to watch the game. He was hiding under the orange PSU hoodie with Josten on the back that he’d stolen from Neil when he first moved to Denver. Hood up, hands in pockets, knee impatiently bouncing.

They’d still try to recruit him. Even if the Foxes lost this game, they’d be crazy not to offer Neil a spot. But Andrew knew that things were rarely what they seemed, and that things rarely went the way they were supposed to. So, the knee kept bouncing. The hood stayed on. And Andrew stayed quiet.

The Ravens were still brutal. Even without Riko and without Tetsuji, they were nearly perfect. The synchronicity was something Andrew only saw in the pros. But the problem with Edgar Allen, the one they’d always had, was that they were too cocky. They may have played a better technical game, but the Foxes wanted it more. They were desperate for it.

People can pull off some incredible things, when they want something bad enough.

Andrew watched as the Foxes filed into the PSU stadium from the locker room. Neil leading them in. He looked perfectly calm. Perfectly blank. Which Andrew took to mean he was nervous as fuck.

He met the Ravens captain at mid court and the handshake was uneventful to most. But Andrew did not miss the tiny smirk on the black and red clad captain’s face. Neil did not respond except to raise his brows. Andrew could just hear him thinking.

_‘Oh, you think you’re going to do something here, don’t you? Cute.’_

Andrew put a hand over his mouth to try and contain a smile.

He watched as Neil took his position on court. He didn’t know where Andrew was sitting. His eyes were glued on the opposing team, but even so, Andrew’s breath left him in a huff as he saw Neil kiss that tiny A on his wrist right before the buzzer sounded the start of the game.

It was brutal immediately. One fox and one raven were yellow carded within the first 10 minutes of the game. Neil followed Jack off the court, speaking intensely in what Andrew was sure was a _‘we can’t afford to be down a player, get your shit together’_ speech.

The rest of the first half continued that way. By half time, the PSU players were visibly exhausted. While the other team was able to bring in fresh faces, the foxes were rotating the same players over and over again, and by the time the buzzer sounded to half time, PSU was down by two points.

Andrew wasted no time standing from his spot in the stands and making his way to the locker room.

****

Neil was pacing the hallway outside of the locker room. He was exhausted, but he couldn’t be in there right now. He was too fucking pissed. They were down two goddamn points and he wanted to shake Kai and yell at Trysten and break his fucking stick in half.

But this wasn’t their fault. Not really. Everyone was playing their asses off. Neil ripped the bandana from his head and grabbed handfuls of his sweaty hair to try and center himself.

“Stop that.”

Neil spun around to see Andrew making his way down the hall. Hands in pockets and hood up. He was wearing Neil’s old PSU hoodie. Neil dropped his hands and leaned against the wall. Andrew took up a spot next to him.

“Will they still want me if we don’t win?”

“They’d be fucking insane if they didn’t. Why are you stressing so hard about this? They’re already here, Neil. They’re not going to leave without talking to you.” Andrew ran a finger down Neil’s scarred hand. Neil grabbed it and held onto it.

Neil shook his head and tried to find the words. “I’m just scared this isn’t going to happen. I know if it doesn’t, then it’s not going to change anything. It’s going to really fucking suck, but it doesn’t mean anything changes with us. But just to have it right here, Andrew. To have it within grabbing distance and then to _not_ have it…”

Andrew moved in front of him and looked at him from underneath his hood. His eyes were dark here. In the dimly lit hallway with the shadow of the sweatshirt. The were dark and they were serious. Open.

“Stop thinking. Just fucking do it, Neil.” He put a hand on the back of Neil’s neck and pulled him down. “Just go out there and play the fucking game. Stop analyzing and thinking of the worst outcomes or even the best outcomes. Just _do it_.”

Neil searched his face for a moment. He lifted a hand and slipped it around Andrew’s jaw inside the hood. “Okay,” he said quietly.

Andrew hooked his fingers into the collar of Neil’s jersey and pulled him in for a kiss. Neil melted. The tension leaving his body and-

“Not the time, Josten!” Neil startled back and looked up to see Wymack standing outside of the locker room. “I know you two haven’t seen each other in, oh, what’s it been now? A whole fucking hour? Minyard, give my Captain back his tongue and get back to the stands before I sign you up for a goddamn marathon.”

“You can’t-“

“Try me. Now, go.”

Neil grinned at Andrew’s eye roll and squeezed his hand before he turned to make his way back to the stands. Wymack came closer, watching Andrew leave.

“You do remember you have five other offers on the table, right? Five other teams that have been calling me non-stop since they met with you?” Wymack didn’t look at him. Just continued staring at the place where Andrew had disappeared.

“I remember.”

“Good.” Wymack was quiet for another moment, and Neil wondered if he was allowing him to gather himself or if he was expecting more of a response. He spoke again before Neil could. “I’ve never seen him as good as he is right now. Happy. Settled.”

“I know,” Neil said. Because he did know. He’d been there when Andrew jumped off that roof. He was there when Andrew’s body was lying broken in a clump of bushes in front of Fox Tower. He was there when Andrew was cutting himself to try and redirect the pain.

But he was also there when Andrew had hugged Aaron. When he’d thanked Nicky for everything he’d done for them. When he said I love you to Neil for the first time. Andrew was healing. He would never be perfect and there were tiny parts of him that would always be broken. But so would Neil, and they would be broken together because together was the only time they felt whole.

“If you know, then stop worrying. I know you want Denver, but don’t let that fuck with your head tonight. You got it?”

Neil swallowed hard and nodded. “Good. Now get in there, half time is almost over.

****

The Foxes won. PSU pulled it out in the very last few minutes of the game, and not even Andrew could help himself. He jumped up and clapped with the rest of the stadium, almost sagging with relief. He knew they’d pull it off, he just also knew Neil would beat himself up over it for months if they didn’t win.

He watched as the championship trophy was handed over to Neil. He held it above it head and the smile on his face was the absolute brightest thing in the room. It was big and genuine and so well earned. Andrew snapped a picture and made his way to the locker rooms.

He stood outside the doors and sent a text to Neil to let him know he was there. He was sure Neil was talking to the press (because Wymack still let him talk to the press for some reason) and would need to shower and change, so he made himself comfortable against the wall and started idly going through his phone. Wymack found him there a few minutes later.

“Minyard, come talk to me in my office.”

Andrew raised a brow at him. “First the marathon and now this? You know you’re not my coach anymore, right?”

“I’ll be your coach and until the day of my untimely, no doubt stress induced death. Now get in here so I can run something by you.”

Andrew pushed himself off the wall and followed Wymack to his office. This all felt very familiar. He started to go through his mind to try and think about what it was he’d done to get in trouble, until he remembered he was not a student here and anything he’d done didn’t matter anyway.

Old habits die hard.

Once in the small office where Andrew spent many a post-game withdrawal episode, Wymack shut the door.

“Where’s Neil?” Andrew asked.

“He’s getting showered and changed. The Denver scouts want to meet with him tonight.” Wymack sat down heavily at his desk and looked hard at Andrew. “I told them it’d be better to wait until he was rested in the morning, but they claim they have an early flight and have to leave.”

“They probably want to get a contract signed tonight and announce tomorrow. Bridges is leaving as well so they want to ride the last bit of this season they can.”

Wymack eyed him. “Bridges is leaving? So, does that make you starting goalie?”

“Yes.”

Wymack didn’t say anything for a long moment. Just studying Andrew and eventually looking down at his desk before speaking. “I know you probably don’t care to hear this, but I’m proud of you. I’ve had a lot of kids through here, and a lot leave for one bullshit reason or another. I’m not going to lie, I’ve always worried about you the most. But you’ve made a life and now a career for yourself and…I’m just glad.”

Andrew didn’t know what to say. He did care to hear it, though. That much he knew. But he was also squirming by now at the awkwardness. “Thank,” he muttered. “What did you want to talk about? Is it about Neil?”

Wymack looked back up at him and his tone was suddenly all business. “I know that you more than anyone are looking out for him. I know that you wouldn’t let him get taken advantage of. But you know as well as I do that he’s desperate for that contract and he’ll sign it without second thought and without reading it if it means he’ll be in Colorado with you.”

Andrew clenched his jaw. He didn’t want to hear that. Mostly because he knew it was absolutely true, and he fucking hated it. He wanted it as bad as Neil did, but he didn’t want Neil to sacrifice because of it.

“I don’t know if they’ll let me sit in on the meeting, but I won’t let him sign anything that seems like bullshit. He doesn’t have representation right now, so he doesn’t have someone to tell him whether he’s getting shafted or to help him negotiate. I’ll do it if they let me.”

Wymack nodded. “I’ve already told them I’ll be sitting in on the meeting, too. I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page. He’ll listen to you before he listens to me, for some reason. I can’t imagine why anyone would think that’s a good idea.”

“What can I say, coach? I have a trustworthy face.”

Before Wymack could offer a retort, Neil stuck his head in. His eyes widened a bit when he saw Andrew. “Oh! I wondered where you went.” He looked back to Wymack. “The Denver scouts are waiting impatiently. Let’s do this before I crash from this high.” He was still grinning from the win and Andrew could see that he was practically bouncing on his feet. Wymack waved him inside.

“Shut the door.”

Neil did. “What’s going on?” he asked, looking from Wymack to Andrew. He came to sit in the chair next to Andrew’s, grin slightly faltering.

“Nothing major,” Wymack started. “Just wanted to talk to you before we go in there.”

“Coach here is afraid of the big bads over at the Denver Thunder taking advantage of you. He wants to make sure you don’t take a bad deal just because that’s where you want to be.” Andrew looked hard at Neil and silently begged him not to say something stupid.  

“I mean…” Neil chewed his lip and studied Wymack’s desk. “If they offer me a little less money than the others, I’m willing to take it just for the convenience. Think of the money I’ll be saving on airfare.” He attempted a small laugh, but it didn’t ring genuine. Andrew shook his head.

Wymack pointed a finger at him. “Don’t let them take advantage of you, do you understand? If they don’t offer you at least what the other teams were willing to, then don’t fucking do it. Got it?”

Neil just nodded. “Good. Let’s get this over with.”

****

Neil walked into the room ahead of Wymack and Andrew. It was a small conference room he’d never even been in inside the stadium. Two people Neil didn’t know, and one he did were sitting on one side of the table. Christina gave him a small smile and a wink when he caught her eye.

The other two were men and were introduced to him as Allan Sheppard and Mike Frey, both from management.

He nodded to them as he shook his hand, and took a seat across from them. Andrew and Wymack sat on either side.

“Minyard,” the man named Sheppard started. “I don’t remember inviting you to this meeting.”

“I invited him,” Neil said. “He knows more about this than I do, and I’d like to have him here. Is that a problem?”

Sheppard’s mouth tightened just a bit, and in the back of his head Neil knew it probably wasn’t wise to push these people right now. Still, he didn’t want them to think he was easily taken advantage of.

“I guess it’ll have to be. We’re on a tight schedule.” Sheppard started to pull out papers from a folder and place them in front of Neil. “Frey and I are here to answer any questions you may have about the team. Christina is our PR Agent and can answer any questions you may have about endorsements, events, how we handle crisis situations. For the sake of expediency, we’ve already drawn up a contract for you to review. We had hoped to have it signed tonight so that we can announce our new line up for next season as soon as possible.”

Neil pulled the paper toward him and began to read. It read pretty much the same as all the other contracts he’d gotten.

But the numbers were very, very different.

He glanced up and met Christina’s eyes again. She shook her head very minutely. Neil decided to take that as _‘don’t fucking sign that.’_

Neil lowered his eyes and got through the rest of the contract. There was a morality clause that stipulated if he did anything that went against the moral ethics of the team, he’d be let go with no recompense. There was also a paragraph that stated if any relationships interfered with the integrity of the team, he would step down and forfeit his contract. Neil pushed the paper back toward the men sitting across from him.

“I’m not signing this.”

Wymack grabbed the papers before Sheppard could, and started quickly reading. He looked up at all three people with his lip pulled back.

“Is this a fucking joke? This is half of what you normally sign new players for. Who the fuck do you think you are, coming into my house and treating one of my players this way?”

Neil put a hand on Wymack’s arm. He appreciated the support, but anger wasn’t going to get him what he deserved here. These people were sharks. Their goal was to make as much money as humanly possible while spending the least. Andrew stayed quiet.

“It’s a little less than normal, yes,” Frey said. “But that’s because we assumed it would be worth it to you for the convenience of being with you partner, Mr. Josten. We’re taking a risk here, signing you when-“

“Are you?” Neil asked, cocking his head. “I don’t know what you think this is, but I know you’ve already had Andrew sign something saying he’d drop his contract if anything happened.” Neil grabbed the papers from Wymack and shook them. “This is insulting. I have five other offers that are double this with a guaranteed signing bonus included. Did you expect Andrew to be my bonus? Don’t get me wrong, he’s nice to look at, but he has his own bills to pay and I have mine. I’m not signing this.”

Sheppard shrugged, looking unconcerned. “We could walk away right now.”

“Then do it,” Neil shrugged. “Like I said, I have plenty of other offers that are worth my while.”

“Christina can tell you how damaging to the brand it can be-“

“Actually,” Christian started, speaking up for the first time. She leaned forward and laced her hands together. “This doesn’t have to be damaging at all. They’re out, everyone already knows their relationship status and that they’re apart of the LGBTQ+ community. You’ve already had Minyard sign something saying he won’t kick up a fuss. None of this has to affect the team at all.”

Neil caught Andrew giving her a small smile from across the table.

“That’s another thing,” Neil said, looking back at the contract. “This morality clause…”

“Everyone has to sign that,” Sheppard said, clearly becoming impatient. “Minyard signed it along with every other member of the team.”

“I don’t mind signing it.” Neil shook his head. “I’m just looking at this paragraph here about relationships that affect the team. Is that in everyone’s contract as well?”

He looked up at the two men to see them determinedly keeping their mouths shut. Christina looked ready to laugh.

“No,” she finally said. “That’s not something included in everyone’s contract.”

“Take it out,” Neil shoved the paper back to them. “You’ve already made Andrew sign something. This is superfluous. I’m not going to pretend like I wouldn’t love to play for your team. I would. But I’m not going to be taken advantage of because of my relationship status with one of your players.”

Sheppard grabbed the papers and shoved them back in the folder before standing. “We’ll be in touch.”

He left the room followed by Frey. Christina held back for just a second, pretending to fiddle with her purse. Once they were out of earshot, she spoke quietly.

“Don’t worry. They’ll come back with another offer. I told them that contract was bullshit when they put it together, but they assumed you’d just be happy to be in the same place as Minyard.”

“He’s alright I guess, but I’m just with him for his money. It’d be nice to have some of my own.” Andrew scoffed, and Christina laughed.

“Hold on tight, _precioso_ ,” she said to Andrew. “They’ll be dicks to you for a few weeks.”

Andrew shrugged. “I’ve had worse, I assure you.”

Christina winked at them both before leaving the room. Neil stood and Wymack followed, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“You did good.”

Neil just nodded and followed Andrew out of the room. His legs felt like jelly.

****

“What if they don’t offer me another contract?” Neil whispered. It was late, and the two of them were holed up in their usual hotel near campus. They were laying in the bed facing each other, hands laced together and faces close. It was the kind of dark and quiet that Andrew liked being with Neil in.

No one to see or hear or judge. Just the two of them.

“They will.”

“But what if they don’t?”

Neil had put up a very good front in that conference room. Andrew kept his mouth shut because he was one thousand percent sure he’d make it worse if he opened it. But, he didn’t need to worry. Neil handled it beautifully. It would set the tone for his entire career with the Thunder.

“Then they don’t. You have other offers, remember?”

Neil sighed, and Andrew felt his breath on his lips. He leaned in for a short kiss.

“I wish I could be as _whatever_ about this as you are,” Neil said. Andrew gave a short laugh and looked at Neil like he was insane. Because he was.

“You think I’m _‘whatever’_ about this? I thought you knew me better than that. You’re more of an idiot than I thought if you really believe I’d be totally fine if you ended up across the country. I’d be fucking pissed. But I’m not going to get worked up about it until we know. Christina said they’d send you another contract. I trust her. You should, too.”

Neil didn’t say anything. He just looked at Andrew with those big blue eyes, auburn hair falling onto his forehead and freckles standing out brighter somehow in the dim light. Andrew reached a hand up and pushed it back from his head.

“Nothing can ever be easy for us, can it?” Neil said.

“No. I don’t think it can.”

It would not be. Even if Neil got an amazing new contract and even if they had the house and the cats and the forever, it would not be easy. They both had too much trauma. They both had too many demons.

“Do you think normal people are so bored by how easy they have it?” Neil asked, a smile on his lips.

“They must be. Can you imagine? You mean you _don’t_ sometimes have debilitating depression related to childhood trauma? Wow, your life must be insanely mundane.”

Neil laughed, and Andrew tugged him closer, so their bodies were flush against each other. Andrew kissed his hair and breathed him in for a moment. He didn’t care how far apart they were. This was too good for anything less than fighting tooth and nail to keep.

****

Neil woke the next morning to the sound of his cell phone ringing on the table next to the bed. He opened his eyes slowly, confused by who could possibly be calling him so early. He attempted to untangle himself from bedsheets and blankets and a naked Andrew and realized after looking at the clock on the table that it was already after eleven. He picked up his phone and saw that it was Wymack.

He answered groggily. “Hello?” He cleared his throat.

_‘Are you still sleeping? Jesus half the day is gone.’_

Neil rubbed his face and got out of the bed, moving Andrew’s arm from his waist as he went. Andrew rolled over grumbling. Neil knew there was no way he was still asleep after the phone ringing. He was too light a sleeper for that.

He moved to tug on a pair of shorts before speaking again. “Yeah, I was. What is it? I won championships for you coach, isn’t that enough?” Neil could practically hear him rolling his eyes through the phone.

_‘Just thought you might be interested in this email I just got from one Allan Sheppard. It appears to have a new contract attached to it.’_

Neil stood straight up, shorts unbuttoned and forgotten. “A new contract?”

Andrew’s head shot up and looked over to Neil.

“Is it better than the last one?”

_‘I don’t know, I haven’t opened it. I figured you should be the one to read it, not me. I’m in my office at the stadium.’_

Neil’s heart was pounding. “We’re on our way.”

Andrew sat all the way up. “That was quick,” he said, rubbing sleepy eyes and running a hand through tousled hair. He looked to Neil and did not miss the way his eyes snagged on his chest and made their way down to the unbuttoned top of Neil’s shorts. He debated taking an extra few minutes but shook his head.

“There’s no time. Get dressed, we’re meeting Wymack at his office.”

Andrew flopped back down onto the bed, grumbling to himself. Neil smiled. “I suppose we _could_ save time if we showered together…”

Andrew beat him to the bathroom.

****

An hour later, they were in Wymack’s office sitting in front of his desk. Wymack opened up the email without saying anything and stood to let Neil take his seat. Andrew watched him stand up and take a deep breath, walking around the desk to the large chair Wymack usually occupied. Andrew followed him.

Neil opened the contract, Andrew on one side of him and Wymack on the other and began to read. Andrew was reading over his shoulder and had just gotten to the part about salary and bonuses when Neil let out a relieved laugh.

It was the same amount they’d given Andrew. The normal starting salary for a player, plus signing bonus.

Wymack clapped him on the shoulder. “Good sticking to your guns, kid. Don’t let those assholes push you around. You’re a damn good player and they’re lucky to have you, not the other way around.” Neil just nodded and kept scrolling, reading and then stopping once he got to the morality clause.

“They took out the thing about relationships affecting the team,” he said. “So, this is it. This is what I wanted. Let’s get it signed and sent back to them so I can get whatever info I need as soon as I can.”

Wymack scrolled down and showed Neil where he could sign electronically. It was signed and emailed back to management in just a few minutes, and Neil looked up to Andrew with a broad grin.

“We need a bigger place.”

Andrew rolled his eyes, and decided not to mention to Neil yet that he’d already gotten one.

 


	18. Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end! Andrew and Neil finally in the same place and getting settled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE EEEND! I can't believe it's finally here. This is a shortish chapter, but I just wanted to have something light and fluffy to show them settling in. Thank you all so much for sticking with me! You all helped keep me motivated! I hope you enjoy the ending and who knows, maybe one day there will be a part three! :D

“So, you’re just not going to tell me where we’re going?”

“Nope.”

“I can’t even drop my shit off? Say hi to Sir?” 

“Nope.”

Neil huffed and crossed his arms, slumping further into the seat of the Maserati. Andrew had picked him up from the airport, somehow managed to squeeze all of his shit in the back, and it hadn’t been long before Neil realized they weren’t headed to the apartment. 

Neil rolled down his window and let the Colorado air blow through his hair. He couldn’t believe they were finally here. Neil had everything from Palmetto and was bringing it to put next to Andrew’s things in Colorado and they were finally in the same place. 

Packing had been surreal. The dorms at PSU had been his first real home. He’d been slowly sending stuff to Andrew’s apartment, things he didn’t need to have while he was still in South Carolina. It wasn’t much, but Neil was surprised how many things he’d accumulated in the five years he’d been there. 

When he put the last shirt in his bag and zipped it up, he stood and slung it over his shoulder. Andrew was there, sitting on the bottom bunk where Neil slept. Where they’d learned about each other in the dark some nights. Whispered words and tentative hands. This space had been the beginning of their story. Neil was more sad to leave it than he thought he would be. 

Andrew had to go back to Colorado as soon as the graduation ceremony was over, and even though Neil was desperate to go with him, he wanted to make sure he had time to say goodbye to everyone. 

He’d found Wymack on the court the afternoon before he was supposed to leave. They stood together in the middle. Looking and memorizing. Until Wymack had placed a hand on Neil’s shoulder and squeezed. He didn’t say anything. Neil didn’t either. They didn’t really need to. 

So now Neil was next to Andrew in the car that also held a history rich enough for Neil to smile at the thought, wind in his hair and eyes closed, until he felt the car slow and heard the window roll down. 

Neil looked over, confused. “What are you doing?” Andrew was punching a number into a keypad at a gate. Neil looked around and realized they were pulling into a neighborhood with large houses spaced a fair distance apart. 

He looked at Andrew again and raised a brow, waiting for an explanation. He didn’t know whose house they were about to pull up to, but Neil was annoyed they couldn’t have just gone to the apartment and spent some time together alone first. 

Andrew pulled into the long driveway of one, and pulled up to the side of the house. It was wooded, with trees practically hiding the front and ringing the perimeter of the house. The house itself was simple. It looked almost like a cabin, with wood on the outside and a wrap around porch. There were chairs set up on the front, but as far as Neil could tell no one was home. 

“I don’t think anyone’s here,” Neil said, peering at the dark windows and drive empty of cars except their own. Andrew didn’t say anything, and when Neil looked over at him, he was looking down at the keys he’d pulled from the ignition. 

“We’re here,” he said quietly. 

Neil’s eyes went wide. He looked at the house and back at Andrew, back at the house and then slowly back at Andrew. 

“What did you do?” 

Andrew just shrugged. “You wanted a cabin. This was the closest thing I could find that wasn’t ridiculously far from the stadium.”

Neil had to think back, but remembered going to the cabin at Thanksgiving and offhandedly mentioned how he wanted to live in the mountains. 

_“_ _Let’s live in the mountains one day,” Neil said from his perch at the passenger window, his face practically smashed against it._

_“Sure, if you want to be the one to shovel the drive everyday,” Andrew responded, wholly unimpressed._

_“Shovel-what? We would obviously have a heated driveway. No one is shoveling anything. We’ll live in a cabin in the mountains where people have to be buzzed in if they want to see us and our house will not be huge because who needs all that space? But it’ll have three bedrooms.”_

_“Three? What do we need three bedrooms for?”_

_“One for us with a giant california king-”_

_“Neil? We’re tiny. Why do we need a california king bed?” Andrew asked, and Neil smiled at him calling himself tiny. He was just the right size, Neil thought._

_“Let me finish. One for us with a california king, one extra in case one of us has a bad night and needs to sleep somewhere else, and one for the cats. Which is also why we need a california king. They’ll like to sleep with us when it’s cold.”_

_Yes, Neil thought. That would do nicely. They would also have a heated pool and a flat top stove with a griddle so Andrew could cook him breakfast every day._

_Andrew shook his head, “Whatever you say.”_

Neil’s momentary shock led way to something that felt almost hysterical trying to climb it’s way out of his chest. “You bought me a house?” he asked quietly. Andrew looked over and rolled his eyes like Neil was being unnecessarily dramatic. 

“I bought _us_ a house. I’m not living in that tiny apartment with you and all your shit.” He got out of the car, and Neil hurried to follow. 

Neil was practically bouncing on the balls of his feet as Andrew unlocked the door. “Wait!” he said as Andrew stepped in. “Aren’t you supposed to carry me over the threshold? Or here...I’ll carry you.”

Neil started to reach out before Andrew put a hand on his chest and pushed him back. “How about I knock you unconscious and drag you in by the legs. Does that work?”

Neil laughed and stepped in behind Andrew. The house opened into a large living room and Neil looked around. 

It was perfect. 

There was no furniture yet, but the floors were a shiny, dark colored wood that led all the way into the kitchen. It was an open floor plan, so they’d be able to see and talk to each other from either room. The countertops were a black granite, and the appliances were stainless steel. Neil could see it. Andrew in the kitchen cooking with Sir weaving around his legs. 

It was three bedrooms, just like Neil wanted. The smallers ones were empty, but in the master…

“A California king,” Neil said, turning to face Andrew who was behind him. They just looked at each other for a few seconds before Andrew huffed impatiently. 

“I love it,” Neil said quietly. “It’s fucking perfect.” He walked over to the french doors across from the bed and opened them up to the porch at the back of the house. There was a long wooden bench swing there, and Neil sat on it. Andrew joined him a minute later, and Neil laced their fingers together. 

“Thank you.” He laid his head on Andrew’s shoulder. “You’ll have to give me all the financial info. I talked to Kevin and he said the Moriyamas would have the accountant for all this mess call me soon to set everything up. He said they want to know where else my money is going.”

Andrew stiffened. “Why the fuck does it matter where else it’s going if they’re still getting their cut?”

Neil shrugged. “I don’t know. Does it matter?”

Andrew didn’t reply, but he squeezed Neil’s hand a little harder. 

“Is everything here already?” Neil asked. 

“Mostly. Just a couple of things at the apartment and Sir. I didn’t want to bring her here yet when they were delivering the bed and everything yesterday.”

Neil sat up straight suddenly, remembering. 

“I have to make a quick phone call…” 

He went into the other room before Andrew could ask. 

****

They stayed in the apartment that night. One last night, sitting on the balcony and laying on the couch and ordering chinese food. Neil didn’t think he’d miss it. Andrew said he wouldn’t either. 

The next day, before they could go shopping for furniture, Neil had to do a photo-op with management of him signing the contract he’d already signed. 

“So I have to sign a fake contract? For a picture?”

Andrew tugged him into the stadium by the hand to try and make him go a little quicker. He wanted to get this over with so they could get all the shit done that they needed to. 

“Welcome to the pros, Josten.”

He led the way upstairs to the administrative offices and into the conference room he assumed they’d be set up in. Christina was the first to greet them. 

“Josten! Thank god you’re on time, these assholes won’t shut up about whatever golf game they’re playing this afternoon.”

Neil laughed, “Hi, Christina. Let’s get this over with, we have a golf game this afternoon, too.”

She winked at him before leading them over to the table that was set up in the middle of the room. Someone shoved a Denver Thunder jersey and hat in his arms, and Neil put them both on. He was already wearing a plain white t-shirt, so he put the jersey on over that. 

He sat down at the table where someone he didn’t know indicated, and the members of management who would be in the picture made their way over. 

“Can you take off those armbands?” the photographer asked. Andrew almost answered for him, but stopped himself just in time. 

“No,” Neil answered, adjusting them at the elbow and then lacing his hands in front of him, waiting. Andrew couldn’t help the twitch of his mouth. 

“It’ll look much better for the pictures if you don’t have them on. They clash with the jersey and it’ll draw the eye away from your face.”

“Perfect,” Neil said. “My face is just as fucked up as my arms so people don’t really need to see that either, do they?”

The photographer stuttered and Andrew just shook his head. Neil caught his eye and shrugged. 

It took ten minutes of Neil fake signing a piece of paper over and over again and fake handshakes and fake smiles (which Neil did not do very well, but much better than Andrew had) before they could make their escape. They were aided by Christina who distracted everyone sufficiently by rapidly naming the places she wanted these pictures sent ASAP. 

They hurried out of the stadium and into the car, making their getaway before anyone could stop them and laughing about it once they had. Andrew looked over to find Neil still grinnig, and he couldn’t help but reach over and rub the back of his neck just once. 

Ten minutes later they pulled up in front of a furniture store and made their way inside. They avoided pushy salesmen and Andrew watched as Neil made his way through the store, running fingers over different pieces and furniture and rubbing his chin as he stared at it all, like he was trying to picture it in the house. 

“What do you think of this table?” 

Andrew walked over and looked down at it. “It’s a table.”

“Yes, captain obvious, thank you. I know it’s a table. Do you like it?”

Andrew shrugged again. “It’s a table.”

Neil rolled his eyes and sighed. “You’re going to make me do this by myself, aren’t you?”

Andrew just raised a brow at him. He liked watching Neil in this store, making these choices. He’d chosen the house without consulting Neil. He’d been confident in his choice and he’d wanted to surprise his partner, but now he felt like he wanted Neil to take the reins on this. 

So he watched silently, telling Neil whatever he picked was fine, but not offering any suggestions beyond that. It was a couple of hours into this when Neil had just settled on a large leather sectional that he checked the time on his phone and cursed. 

“Somewhere to be?” Andrew asked. 

“No...I just need to make a phone call. Will you wrap this up for me? I think that’s everything we need. Here.” He dug out his credit card from his wallet and handed it to Andrew. He took it with no intention of using it. 

He wasn’t the one losing 80% of his income to the yakuza. 

He watched Neil walk outside the store and furrowed his brows. This was the second time he’d walked away from Andrew to make a phone call, and he was starting to get annoyed. Especially when Neil walked in a few minutes later, a grin on his face and a skip in his step. 

Andrew handed Neil back his card as they walked to the car. “What’d your boyfriend have to say?”

Neil laughed. “He’s excited to see the new place next time you’re out of the house.”

Andrew huffed and got behind the wheel. “I paid extra to have them deliver everything tomorrow. So no furniture until then.”

“We’re still staying in the house tonight though, right? Is that where we’re going now?”

Andrew was confused by his enthusiasm. “That eager to sit in an empty house? We still need to go get all the other little shit. You know. Food. Water. Things essential to survival?”

Neil nodded. “Yes, all those things. But let’s go there first so we can look around and make a list.”

Andrew shook his head but drove the direction of the house anyway. He could feel Neil practically vibrating in the seat next to him. 

“What the fuck is your problem?”

“Nothing, jesus. I’m just excited about the home you bought me, loverboy.”

Andrew scoffed. “First of fucking all, what is going to take to get you to quit calling me that? Second of all, you’re a liar and I know it. You’re twitchy.”

Neil just smiled and shrugged and Andrew shook his head and kept driving. The closer they got to the neighborhood the more anxious Neil became, knee bouncing and steadily looking out of the window instead of at Andrew. 

When they finally made it to the neighborhood and started up the long drive. He finally cracked. 

“I got you something.”

Andrew raised a brow. “Is that why you look like Nicky when he’s watching Showgirls but refuses to get up to go pee during any of it?”

“Yes.” He was grinning ear to ear. Andrew looked back to the drive and after coming around the curve, saw what Neil was talking about. He slammed on the brakes. 

“Is...are you...what the fuck is wrong with you?” Neil laughed and clapped his hands. He got out of the car and ran around to the side and opened Andrew’s door. 

“Come on! Come look! Turn the car of first though, I don’t want it to roll back down the driveway.” 

Andrew couldn’t move. His foot was still on the brake, his hands gripping the wheel. There in the driveway, parked next to the house was a 1961 Jaguar E-Type Convertible. It was the car he’d seen all those months ago in the antique car museum when they were at the beach house. He’d sat in it and drooled over it and now, somehow, it was in their driveway. 

He was vaguely aware of Neil tugging on his arm. 

“Come ooooon! I’ve been dying for it to get here, you have to come look. We’ll argue about which cars get to go in the garage whenever the Prius gets here.”

Andrew put the car in park and took the keys out of the ignition. He got out and shut the door behind him, and let Neil pull him up the drive. 

“How?” It was all he could manage. 

“My signing bonus,” Neil said, still smiling ear to ear. “The Moriyamas didn’t take a cut of that, so I got to keep the whole thing. Honestly, I still have some left after this. I don’t need that much money.” He stepped in front of Andrew so the car was blocked from his line of vision. “Also, I wanted something special to give you. I know you hate gifts and big gestures but I’m just really fucking proud of you. Look how far we’ve both come from this time last year. Look what we’ve had to figure out and navigate and learn together. You’ve taken your recovery seriously, and I’ve never seen you in such a healthy spot mentally. You deserve this.”

Andrew tore his eyes away from the car which he was looking at over Neil’s shoulder, and finally met Neil’s eyes. They were so clear and so blue and so excited. Andrew didn’t have words. He placed his hands on either side of Neil’s face and kissed him soundly. It was the only thing he could think to do. Neil grabbed on to both of Andrew’s wrist and kissed him back, making one of those noises in the back of his throat that made Andrew want to pull him a little closer and kiss him a little harder. He pulled back instead and looked at him again. 

“You’re an idiot,” he said quietly, touching his forehead to Neil’s. 

“I know.”

“And I just...really want to fuck you on the hood of that car.”

Neil laughed and stepped out of Andrew’s grasp. “Maybe later. Right now you have to take me for a drive.”

****

Neil woke up in their bed on the third day of living in the new house, and stretched. He sighed a little at the soreness in his body that was leftover from last night. He looked over to his partner and rolled to his side to face him. 

Andrew’s hair had gotten long. It fell in a blond sheet over his eyes now, a few strands on the side caught in the stubble on his cheeks. Neil didn’t want to wake him, but his fingers itched towards him anyway. He pushed the hair out of Andrew’s face, and kept his hand on his cheek, feeling the 3 days of not shaving and running a thumb over his lips. 

Neil felt something he didn’t think he wasn’t sure he could put a name to right now. They both did, he knew. And neither of them really knew how to articulate it. They’d done the best they could last night. 

Sometimes, when they were together, it was frantic. Sometimes it was all they could do to get their clothes off before falling into each other and falling apart. It was desperate, because there was a tiny piece in each of them, one of those broken bits they kept close, that didn’t really believe forever was going to come. Something would remind them or send them back to the time when Andrew wanted to die and Neil just wanted to live with him forever. Those times were hard and fast and so, so good. 

But last night was not that. Last night was the two of them in their new house. The one they shared together that they’d decorated together that they’d made together. It was in their giant california king bed, the one Andrew bought because Neil said he wanted one months ago. It was slow and a different kind of desperate. Not the all consuming fire that raged, intent on burning everything in its path, intent on leaving a mark. This was the kind of desperation that said _‘We’re here now. I’ve found you. I don’t ever want to let this go.’_

Andrew took his time, kissing every one of Neil’s scars. Of kissing into his mouth deeply, hands running through hair and bodies pressed tight against each other. He’d let his fingers roam over every inch of Neil’s body gently, then let his mouth follow suit. 

It was a wonderful thing, not to have to worry about neighbors or roommates nearby. Neil’s throat was still sore. Andrew had fucked him until they were both calling out to the empty house, and Neil felt branded this morning. 

He watched as Andrew’s eyes slowly opened and Neil couldn’t help a small smile. 

“You know, there was a time I would’ve punched you in the face for this,” Andrew said, voice sleep rough and eyes squinting. 

“I remember. I like to think you’d still punch anyone else.”

“I would,” Andrew agreed. 

“Good,” Neil said, leaning in for a quick kiss before throwing the blankets off himself and getting out of bed. “I’m going to make breakfast. We’re supposed to set up the spare room today.”

Andrew groaned. “Why do we need to set it up? That just encourages people to visit. We can have two offices instead.”

There were two extra rooms. One they’d set up a desk in. Neil was 90% sure they’d never use it, but it was an excuse to put a giant cat tree there and essentially make it Sir’s room. The other room was going to be a bedroom. Neil had picked out furniture for it and everything.

“Listen, it’s not a guest room. It’s a _spare_ room. For those nights when I can’t stand your face, okay? This doesn’t mean people will be staying here.”

Neil thought it likely to happen at some point, but he didn’t need to tell Andrew that just yet. The real reason was because he knew they both had bad nights sometimes, and he knew there were times when Andrew didn’t like having another body in the bed. 

“The first time you tell Nicky he can stay here, I’m getting a hotel room.”

Neil pulled the pillow from under his head and threw it on top of him. “No you’re not. I’m making eggs, get up.”

Andrew grumbled, but did not make a move to get up or to remove the pillow from his head. 

Despite his protestations, they did set up the spare room. They listened to music while they did it, getting distracted by each other in the process. They ordered pizza for lunch and ate it on the floor in the middle of the empty bed frame.

It took much longer than strictly necessary to finish, and by the time they emerged, it was close to dinner. Andrew made pasta while Neil played with Sir, and when it was done, they decided to eat on the back porch. 

They were sitting shoulder to shoulder, plates set to the side and staring out at the large backyard. 

“We should get another cat,” Neil said. Andrew scoffed. 

“Why? We already have one that’s an asshole. She’s made it her mission to to fuck up at least on thing in every room in this house before the week is out. So far, she’s succeeding.”

“Yes, but maybe if she had a friend, she wouldn’t be as bored?”

“Cats don’t have friends.”

“Not if you don’t give them the chance.”

Andrew huffed and Neil laughed. He laid his head on Andrew’s shoulder and listened to the night. It was cooler in Denver. Quieter in this neighborhood than anywhere he’d been before. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, feeling safe and happy and content. 

“This is it, isn’t it?” he asked. 

“This is what?” Andrew replied.

“Forever.”

Andrew didn’t respond at first. He took Neil’s hand where it was resting on his thigh, and Neil only opened his eyes when he felt something smooth and cool being slid onto his finger.

“It can be,” Andrew said. Neil looked up at him, and down at the ring that was now settled comfortably on his finger. His mind was completely blank. He didn’t know what to do, what to think, what to say. The only coherent thought he could muster was _I love him, I love him, I love him._

Andrew was looking at him with an expression so open, and so honest, Neil had to swallow against a lump in his throat. He only just now noticed that Andrew’s hands were shaking slightly. _He’s nervous._ “Yes or no, Neil?”

“It’s always yes with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, comments and kudos are appreciated! Come visit me on tumblr at jeni182!


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